Chapter 32: True Colors

Show me a smile then.

Don't be unhappy; can't remember

when I last saw you laughing.

If this world makes you crazy,

and you've taken all you can bear,

you call me up.

Because you know I'll be there.

Sean

"Does it taste fine?"

Ellie smiled over the top of her mug and nodded. "It tastes great. Thanks," she commented softly.

I put a comforting hand on her knee and squeezed. She laid a hand on top of mine and I reveled in her touch. Her attitude's done a complete turn around since this morning. I remember how defeated and frustrated she had looked this morning as I tried to convince her that everything was going to be okay. She hadn't wanted to hear any of it. And I guess I can't exactly blame her. I mean, I don't exactly know what she's going through, do I?

But now? Now we're sitting here on the couch talking. Actually talking. And even though we're not discussing her problem, it's nice to just talk about trivial things like school and our friends. We haven't talked like this in a long time.

She sighed and set her mug down. "So Ashley told Ms. Sauve about me?"

I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer to me. "Yeah, she did. Are you pissed?"

She thought it over for a second. "No," she finally answered. "I guess I'm-... okay with it. You know?"

"She just wants to help."

"Yeah, I think I'm realizing that."

"Good. You're going to need your friends." I ran a hand over her soft hair and breathed in her scent. This is what it feels like to care for somebody, to love somebody, unconditionally. The way Ellie's been treating me these past few weeks doesn't matter anymore. I'm not angry or bitter. I don't want revenge. I just want her to be the old Ellie. I want her to be happy.

Ellie yawned and sat up. "I think I'm going to go to bed. I'm tired."

I kissed her softly on the forehead, cupping her face in my hands. "That's a good idea. Do you want me to stay home and go with you tomorrow?"

She hesitated.

"I don't have to go in with you. I can just wait. Be there." I brushed a few strands of red hair away from her eyes, tucking them behind her small ears.

She nodded, her eyes big. "Would you? Otherwise, I might not go."

I smiled. "Of course. Good night." I leaned in to kiss her.

She pulled away.

I watched from the couch as she jumped up and fidgeted a little before heading towards the bedroom. I sighed and leaned back against the pillows. What was that about? I thought we were heading towards normalcy.

I guess not.

I picked up the car keys from the table and glanced at the bedroom door. "You ready?" I called out to Ellie.

She emerged from the bedroom, a loose pair of black pants and a red and pink t-shirt hanging from her tiny frame. She ran a hand through her long hair, trying to appear calm and collected. The quivering of her hand gave her true feelings away, though. "As ready as I'll ever be," she admitted.

I reached for her hand, but she pulled away. "Listen, Sean..." she began.

Uh oh. This wasn't good. Anything that starts with "listen" is never good...

"What's wrong?" I asked, hating the whiney edge to my voice.

"I know you're just trying to help, but I was thinking last night and, well, maybe this is something I have to figure out on my own."

I blinked slowly. What? Figure out on her own? No. No way. I don't think so. "No," I replied firmly.

"What?" she snapped.

"I'm not letting you off that easy. I'm not letting you go through this by yourself. You're looking for a way out of this, and I'm not letting you do that."

She huffed and tapped her foot impatiently. "I'm not looking for a way out. I want to get better!"

I stepped forward and placed my hands on my shoulders. "The only way you're going to get better is if I help. I wanna help you. Please don't do this. Don't push me away again."

She hesitated for a moment before reaching her hands up and placing them on my cheeks. "Fine. But this is hard for me, okay? I'm not used to getting help."

"I know. But we have to do this. For Brayden," I pointed out. She nodded solemnly and looked towards the nursery. I saw the worry flash in her eyes. "Don't worry about him. Your mom has him and he's fine."

"I know, it's just... I just can't wait til I'm better."

"Yeah, me too."

"Thanks," she whispered. "For everything." She stepped forward and through her arms around me in a tight hug. I followed suit and held her as close to me as I could. I never wanted to let her go.

Ellie

I took one last look at Sean before walking into Dr. Brahm's office. She looked up from her desk with a smile on her face.

"You showed up!" she exclaimed.

I stopped myself from rolling my eyes. "Yeah, I did."

She glanced at her watch and stood up. "I was beginning to think you wouldn't. Okay, let's take a seat and talk."

"How long do you think this'll take? I just want to give Sean an idea."

"Well, I figured we'd take an hour. We don't have to talk the entire time. We can hang out for awhile or just chat about normal, everyday things if you want."

"Oh," I grimaced. An hour? Seriously? I know I'm agreeing to this, and I want to do it, but an hour. Of talking about my problems? Damn. "Well, let me just tell him real quick..."

"You know, Ellie... if you want Sean to sit in here with you, he can. It's all up to you."

My mouth felt like it was full of sand. Sean? Sit in here? With me? As I talk about my problems? I almost laughed at the idea. As if he would ever want to do something like that. As if I would want him in here.

"Okay," I heard myself say. What the hell? Sean is not sitting in on this session. Somehow my thoughts were connecting with my mouth. It was as if I could see myself from the outside. I saw myself open the door and stick my head out. I saw myself motion to Sean. I saw myself grab his hand and beg him to sit with me. And I saw him smile and wrap an arm around me as we walked back into the office.

Why am I doing this? Why am I allowing him to see me so... vulnerable and scared and real? This isn't what I normally do. Not at all.

"Sean, it's nice to meet you. My name's Katherine Brahm, but you can call me Kay."

"Thanks... Kay..." I could hear the nervousness in Sean's voice.

"Don't worry. I won't be psychoanalyzing you. We're just going to sit down and talk to each other. Understand what's going on."

We took a seat on the small couch and she sat down in an armchair opposite us. I crossed my legs and bounced my foot around anxiously. What was she going to say? Was she going to ask me questions? Why does Sean have to be in here? And why can't I just ask him to leave?

I felt pressure on my hand and looked down. Sean had taken a hold of my left hand and was caressing it softly with his thumb. I smiled at the warmth his touch brought me and immediately felt a little more at ease.

"Ellie, I'd like for you to describe to me, in your own words, the birth of your son."

My gaze shifted up to Dr. Brahm and I shrugged. "I dunno," I muttered.

"Ellie, it's okay. I just want to hear the story from your point of view."

I sighed and furrowed my eyebrows, trying to remember exactly what happened. "I was just sitting in the apartment, watching TV, and when I got up, I felt pain. I knew something was wrong right away because I'd never felt pain like that before... And then... and then..." My voice faltered. I didn't want to relive the past anymore. I never wanted to relive it.

Sean squeezed my hand, but Dr. Brahm continued to stare at me expectantly. "And...?"

"I can't do this."

"Yes, you can. You have to."

Sean came to my defense. "If it's too hard on her I don't think she should."

Dr. Brahm just stood up and poured herself a cup of coffee. "With all due respect, Sean... I'm the psychologist here. I invited you to sit in because I wanted you to also understand what Ellie's going through. After all, it directly affects you. But I'm not asking your opinion on my therapy techniques. Ellie, go on."

"Well, excuse me, but I think if it's going to upset her this much that it's a good idea. She's already going through a hard time enough as it is. What's the point of making her think about it all over again?"

"Sean," I started, putting a hand on his knee. I could see the vein throbbing in his forehead and he looked ready to blow. I knew what he was getting ready to do, and I also knew it'd be a bad idea.

"No, Ellie. I don't appreciate how she's pushing you into doing something that you don't want to do!" His face started to turn red.

"Sean! It's fine. I'm the one who called her, remember? I wanted to come and get better."

I didn't wait for him to respond. Instead, I just jumped right into the story again. It was difficult trying to remember every detail that happened- and replaying it over in my head- but I managed to choke out the entire ordeal to Dr. Brahm. I told her how painful the experience was. I told her how beautiful Brayden had been when I saw him for the first time. And about how upset I'd been when the nurses had taken him away from me. And how incompetent I had felt not being able to give him what he needed.

She shook her head in agreement. "That's perfectly normal, Ellie. As women we have a need to take care of things- of people... It's natural. We want to make everything better, and it hurts to realize that there are some things we can't make better. We can't control everything."

I nodded pulling my feet up to my side on the couch. I nervously picked at my arm warmers. "I never understood why I felt that way. I always wanted to take care of everybody- my friends, my parents, especially my mom...It's like I put everything I have to give into... everything. And it's just never enough. I just want to make things right."

"Of course you do. You're a very caring person, Ellie."

"But it just never seems like it works out."

She gave me a comforting smile and leaned across the space between us to rest a hand on my knee. "In the end, everything works out."

I gave her a small smile, a flicker of hope going through me. Maybe she's right. Maybe everything will work out in the end.

"Now, I'd like to talk a little about-..."

Sean

"Did I act like a complete idiot in there?" I shot Ellie a sheepish look.

She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and shrugged. "Not anymore than usual..." she joked softly.

I wrapped an arm around her narrow shoulders and pulled her closer as we started on our walk home. The sun was shining, and although it was still a little chilly outside, the weather was really starting to warm up. And any day now, Ellie and I will be taking Brayden to the park and to the zoo and to the circus- to all those places I never got to go to when I was younger.

"It's just that I'm protective of you. I didn't like how she was bullying you."

"Sometimes I need to be pushed. You know that.."

"I just like to stick up for you. You know that." I gave her a little squeeze and she looked up at me with a smile.

"I'm starting to see it. So how long do you think it'll take me before I'm better?" She looked forward, a look of uneasiness on her face.

I shrugged and played with the end of her ponytail. "It'll take time. But you will get better."

"I'm just worried that it's going to take a long time."

"I don't think it will. You're the most determined person I know. It's all gonna work out. I know."

"Look at him!" I laughed when Brayden smiled big. He was clearly enjoying the rap music Jay had just turned on.

Jay rubbed Brayden's little bald head and turned the music up a little more. "Dude, we gotta get him a hat like mine."

"And we'll teach him everything to know about cars. He'll even know what an intake manifold is." I couldn't help but get a little excited at the idea of me and my son working on cars later on in life... together.

"Well, how about he first learns how to crawl and walk, huh?" Alex put in sarcastically. She walked over to the couch where Ellie was sitting and draped an arm casually around her shoulders. "Whatcha doing?"

Ellie looked up from the small journal she was writing in and closed it quickly. "It's a therapy technique."

"Therapy?"

I realized then that Jay hadn't told Alex about the little ordeal that was going on. That's weird. Usually Jay can't keep his mouth shut. I sent him a thankful look.

"For, um, just... stuff."

"Ellie... It's me- Alex. You're friend. Right?"

"Right," Ellie gave a reassuring smile. "Listen, I think I'm going to go for a walk or something."

My ears perked up. "A walk? Are you sure? By yourself?"

She grabbed her coat and pulled it on. "Yeah, just for a little bit. I just need some... fresh air."

I watched as she opened the front door and stepped out, closing it softly behind her. My shoulders sagged, and I let out a sigh I hadn't even known I'd been holding in. Brayden's eyes were starting to look heavy, and I picked it up, holding him to me.

"I guess I'll put Brayden in his crib."

"She's going to be fine, man."

"What's going on?" Alex looked even more confused.

I decided to just lay all the cards out on the table. "Ellie's not herself right now. She has postpartum depression."

"Are you serious?" Alex looked shocked. She took a seat on the couch and ran her hands through her hair slowly. "Wow. That explains a lot..."

"Yeah, it does."

"So, I thought that therapy was supposed to help her. So why is she still acting like she's gone apeshit?"

As always, Jay was being sensitive. I shot him a look and started to retreat towards the nursery. "It's gonna take time. We can't just snap our fingers and make her better."

"Well how much are you supposed to put up with from her?"

"However much it takes until she's fine," I answered without skipping a beat.

"But what if she never-..."

"She's going to be fine!" I burst out angrily. At the sound of my voice yelling, Brayden woke up crying. "Damnit, Jay," I growled.

"I was just say-..."

"Jay, stop being so insensitive," Alex interjected, putting a hand on his arm. I sent her a silent thank you when Jay's mouth closed and he leaned back in his seat.

"Whatever," he muttered, glaring at me.

I just glared right on back. What's his problem anyway? Since when has he had such a vicious agenda against Ellie anyway? I turned the light on in the nursery and carefully placed Brayden in his crib, his lips sucking and his eyes little fists waving around.

"Sorry, bud. It's time for you to take a little nap."

I stayed with him until his eyes closed and his breathing became steady. What Jay was saying had no truth to it, right? It's not fair to expect Ellie to be completely cured by now. I know that's logical. I know this. But why am I still worried about what he's saying? I mean, what if she never gets better?

Ellie

I sat down on the park bench and sighed. It felt nice to be out of the apartment. I just needed to get away from there and collect my thoughts. I'm supposed to be keeping a journal for therapy. I've never kept a journal before so this is kind of strange to me. Dr. Brahm told me I should just write about my day and what I'm feeling, but also to write about little things Brayden is doing. My assignment tonight was to watch Brayden for a half hour and just write down what he did.

I glanced down at my entry:

Sean just carried Brayden into the living room. I'm sitting in my usual spot on the couch under a blanket. Sean offers me Brayden, but I decline. I don't think I'm quite ready for that just yet. Plus, it's nice to see Sean interact with him. The boys. Sean is such a good father, and I can't help but feel jealous of him. It comes so easy to him. Who knew?

Brayden is laying on his stomach on a blanket Sean spread across the floor. He's reaching for his toys that are scattered around him. He touches a stuffed bear and closes his little fist around the bear's paw. I can't help but smile at this. He takes his time touching each toy and exploring it.

Jay and Alex, two of our friends, are here right now. Jay keeps putting his hat on Brayden's head and laughing at how big it is. Alex can't get over how much he's grown since he was in the hospital. He is growing up fast. Maybe too fast.

And that's where I had stopped. Wow, my journal is so insightful. Not. I closed the notebook and threw it back in my bag. Whatever. It was a stupid assignment anyway. Suddenly I was aware of just how alone I felt. At this moment I feel very insignificant in the world. It's not a feeling I like.

Ashley

"I got it!" I bounded down the stairs and raced Toby to the door. God, step-brothers can be so annoying. "What don't you understand by 'I got it'?"

He shoved me to the side. "Ash, it's probably JT."

"No, JT just walks on in like he owns the place. Move it, twerp."

I bumped him aside with my hip and opened the door, expecting to see Craig or Paige.

But, instead, I saw Ellie.

And it was a pleasant surprise. "Ellie!" I exclaimed.

She fiddled with the bracelets on her arm and gave me a smile. "Hey," she greeted, almost shyly.

I opened the door wider. "Come on in. Toby, close your mouth," I advised after seeing the way he was staring at my friend. Little boys and their crushes can be so weird.

"Yeah, Tobes. Stop slobbering," Ellie sniffed and gave him a haughty look.

It only fueled his desire for her even more.

"Come on, El. Let's go up to my room. Away from Toby."

We laughed when we got to my room and shut the door behind us.

"He is so weird!" Ellie giggled.

I agreed. "Try living with him 24/7. He's always talking about some new anime movie or some top secret CIA crap. He's exactly like his dad."

Ellie sat down on my bed and pulled my stuffed bear to her chest before laying back against the pillows. "So... what are you doing?"

"I was just playing around on the piano. Craig and I want to write a song together."

"Cute."

"Yeah, sort of. So... how you feeling?"

"I'm... fine... I went and- Listen, Ash, I'm really sorry for how I've been acting. Especially for the way I've been treating you."

I brushed it off as if it were no big deal. "Please, I've seen worse."

"Yeah, but there's no excuse. I was being a bitch."

I lightly ran my hands over the ivory keys of my keyboard and stole a quick glance at Ellie. She was staring right back at me. I adverted my eyes and pressed down on a key. "So..."

"So..."

"Is Brayden good?"

"Yeah, he is. Sean, Jay, and Alex were all playing with him before. He wouldn't stop smiling."

I grinned. "Babies are so cute."

"Yeah... they are... How'd you do it?"

"Do what?" I gave Ellie a confused look. What was she talking about? And why did she looks so upset?

Her voice cracked, "Get better. After Craig. How'd you do it?"

I stood up slowly. "I guess I just had to deal with the fact that I'm not the only girl who's ever been cheated on. I realized I had to get on with my life. I couldn't let him win."

"I know I need to change, but... It is just so damn hard. It's really hard."

I sat down next to her and placed a hand around her shoulders. "I know it is. But you can get through it."

"I really need you. I do. I need my friends."

I looked at her in surprise. Did she... Did she really just admit that she needs me? A slow smile spread across my face and I pulled her in for a spontaneous hug. To my surprise, she didn't pull away. Instead she threw her arms around me and held on tight.

"It's okay," I murmured. " It's going to be okay. I'm here for you. We all are."

I am not satisfied with this chapter at all. But, whatever. I just wanted to get it out there. I was starting to get stuck, and I promise my next chapter will be good to make up for this one. Next chapter: another session with Dr. Brahm; Sean starts to buckle under the pressure; Ellie and Sean disagree on the future of Brayden

Thanks for the awesome reviews! They make my day! Any suggestions/comments are always welcome. I'm experiencing some major writer's blockage.