Chapter 33: Miserable

Nothing to share;

why should I

care if you're near me.

Give up all of my plans,

but who needs them

when you mean everything.

Sean

I slumped over the side of the crib and continued to stroke Brayden's soft little head, hoping he'd get the hint and fall sleep. All it seemed to do, though, was make me even more tired. "Come on, buddy," I whispered as he kicked his little legs and blew spit bubbles. "Daddy's gotta sleep."

I sighed and rested my head on the crib railing. If Brayden doesn't go to bed soon, I don't know what I'll do. It's been like this all week- both of us not sleeping. I've barely been able to get my homework done, clean the house, go to work, and make it to school every day. At this rate, I'll be dead before I'm twenty.

Ellie's been staying at her parents's house this week- some new therapy technique where she only sees Brayden in small doses. I can't tell if it's working or not. After all, I barely get to see her either. She's always rushing around in school- too busy being the old, hard-working Ellie Nash to even stop and talk to me in the hallways. Not that I have any time to stop and talk either. I'm too busy cramming in a few minutes of studying before my history and vocabulary quizzes.

"Good boy," I whispered as Brayden's eyelids started to droop. His breathing became more regular and pretty soon his long eyelashes were brushing against his cheeks. "I love you, kiddo." I planted a soft kiss on his forehead and dimmed the lights in the room before heading out, baby radio in hand.

Maybe I could catch a few z's on the couch myself. I turned the TV on low and settled down on the couch, looking forward to a small nap. As soon as I started to feel myself drift off, the telephone started ringing.

"No, no, no, no, NO!" I jumped off the couch and dashed for the phone before it rang again. One more ring could be just enough to wake Brayden up.

Too late. Brayden's cries filled the room, and I held the phone receiver up to my ear as I started towards the nursery. "'Lo?"

"Hey," Ellie's soft voice rang out over the phone.

"Hey," I muttered.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. The phone just woke up Brayden. That's all. No big deal..." Yeah, right. No big deal? It was a huge deal!

"Oh. Sorry. It's not like I knew he was sleeping or something."

"Well, maybe if you were here like you should be, you'd know."

"Call me back when you grow up."

"You're the one who needs to grow up and start taking responsibility!" I snapped right before she hung up. Good, I got the last word. But who knew I'd ever be saying those words? Not me. That's for sure. I never imagined I'd be doing this. I never saw myself as a teenaged parent.

Life kind of finds a way to kick you in the balls at the worst possible moments.

I picked Brayden up and bounced him in my arms, hoping the motion would make him tired again. "Come on, bud. You gotta sleep sometime. And daddy's gotta sleep, too."

His cries just came even louder. I looked in the small mirror that hung over his changing table. The dark bags under my eyes were starting to take over my whole face. I've already lost six pounds. And I can barely find a minute to shave my face.

"Your life sucks," I muttered to my reflection. I have to find a way to stop this. I can't keep doing this anymore.

It's not what I want.

Ellie

I don't know what to do about Sean. Every time I try to talk to him he's way too busy to even say "hello" to me. It sucks. It really does. He won't talk to me at school, he won't talk to me at home, and every time I suggest that I come over for the night it's not a good time. It's never a good time for him. Go figure.

What really pisses me off is that he promised he'd be here for me. He promised that he's help me through therapy and he'd understand that it was going to take me awhile. But what does he do the first chance he gets? He goes back on that promise and makes me feel like I'm a horrible person. I've tried being the bigger person- it's not working. He just wants nothing to do with me.

And I can't let that happen. I can't let him just discard me as if I'm a piece of trash. I'm a human being, and I deserve more than he's been giving me. So he needs to understand that he's going to have to try even harder. I won't let him just give up on me.

I closed my journal and threw it across the room. Screw journals. All Dr. Brahm is going

to do anyway is read it and tell me I'm making progress. As if that's helpful. I picked my knitting up from beside me and started to furiously crochet- another project of mine. I'm crocheting Brayden a little hat. It's supposed to bring me closer to him and make me excited again. I guess you can say it's working. I've been working on it nonstop since I bought the yarn and hooks and Dr. Brahm taught me how to crochet. I'm excited about getting it finished- so that's a step, right?

My cell phone rang, and I scrambled to pick it up- hoping it'd be Sean.

"Hey!"

"Hey, Ash."

"What's up?"

"Crocheting."

"Aw, Martha Stewart. How cute."

"Ha. Very funny."

"Yeah, well, Mom and Jeff really want to see Brayden. You should bring him over tomorrow night and have dinner with us. It'd be fun."

"I don't know..." Was I ready for that? It's a really big step, you know? I immediately thought of all the things that could go wrong if I took him. What if I got in a wreck on the way to the Kerwin's? Or what if he got a cold? What if-... But maybe I could have his hat finished by tomorrow... and he could wear it. I looked at the tiny navy blue hat in my lap and smiled. And he could wear his little navy and grey outfit. He'd look completely precious.

All of a sudden, I felt a little flicker of excitement grow in my stomach.

"Come on, El. You have to do this sometime."

"Well... maybe..."

"Ellie... I really think you're ready for this. I'll help you."

A smile tugged at my lips, and I was immediately thankful for a friend like Ashley. So she's not a perfect friend, but lately she's really been here for me.

"Okay," I agreed. "Brayden and I will come over for dinner."

"Bring Sean, too!"

"Yeah... Yeah, he'll like that. I'll call him right now!"

"Okay, bye!"

"Bye." I ended the call and immediately dialed Sean's number.

"'Lo?"

"Hey," I greeted softly.

"Hey," he muttered.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. The phone just woke up Brayden. That's all. No big deal..."

I frowned at his attitude. "Oh. Sorry. It's not like I knew he was sleeping or something." Seriously, am I supposed to be psychic or something?

"Well, maybe if you were here like you should be, you'd know."

"Call me back when you grow up." I've had enough of his remarks.

"You're the one who needs to grow up and start taking responsibility!"

I hung up the phone and threw it down on the bed. "UGH!" I groaned out loud. Why does he have to be so impossible? Seriously, is it that difficult to just be nice to me for once? Whatever happened to the patient, caring Sean who said he'd help me through this? Either I hallucinated his kindness and devotion to me or he has multiple personalities.

I slumped against the headboard of my bed and crossed my arms. Talking to Sean can really put a damper on my mood. And to think, I was almost starting to feel good about myself...

A soft knock sounded on my door before it slowly crept open. I turned my head and stared at the doorway, surprised to see my dad actually standing in it.

"Dad!" I sat up quickly. "Aren't you supposed to be in Hong Kong?"

"I wrapped things up early, Elle-bear." He sat on the edge of my bed and put a hand on my shoulder. "How do you feel?"

I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. "I'm fine, daddy," I lied. Yeah, I'm fine except for the fact that my boyfriend and the father of my baby is a huge jerk.

"That's my girl." He grabbed one of my pigtails and tugged on it gently. I looked up at him and smiled sadly. I didn't have to bother saying anything else. My father and I are alike in many ways, but mostly we're alike in the fact that we both hide when we're hurt or scared. And we know not to push each other past that facade of happiness and content.

"Your mom's putting dinner on the table right now. Are you going to come down and eat with us?"

I hesitated before shaking my head. "I'm not really hungry right now." I ducked my head and inspected the shape of my fingernails, feeling incredibly Paige-like at the moment. I felt my dad's hand on the back of my head, running gently over my hair. I bit down hard on my lip, determined not to show my dad just how scared I am.

He sighed and stood up. "Well, if you change your mind..."

I followed him with my eyes as we walked out of my room. To everyone else my dad would look bored and unaffected, but to me he looked defeated. I pushed myself off of my bed and tugged on the neckline of my hoodie. Why did I have to feel like it was choking me? My reflection in my vanity mirror caught my attention, and I sat down in front of it.

I can't do this anymore. Overcoming this obstacle in my life won't be easy, but I'm going to do it. But it's not just for me and Brayden now. It's for Sean and Ashley and Marco and my parents. I can't handle hurting them like this anymore. I may not be where I want to be right now, but I'm on my way.

Marco

I jogged up to the tiny redhead a few feet ahead of me and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "And how's my bestest best friend doing today?"

Ellie rolled her eyes and tugged the bottom of her lacy black top down over the strip of stomach above the loose waist of her skirt. "Shoot me before you ever use language like that again, okay?"

I laughed and tugged her closer to me. "Sure. So... black, lace, and killer boots? Someone's in a good mood today," I egged her on.

"What?" she turned her face to look at me as she quickened her pace. "Am I supposed to wear Mom jeans now or something? Should I invest in elastic waistbands?"

I squeezed her shoulder and laughed. "I can't even imagine a pair of Mom jeans on you... That image is beyond creepy," I shuddered.

"Speaking of beyond creepy..." Ellie muttered as Paige strolled up to us.

"Hi, Marco!" she chirped. She fixed Ellie with an icy glare and flicked a strand of blonde hair behind her shoulder. "Hello, Vampira."

"Paige, grow up."

"Ellie, shut up."

"Bitch, please-..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I held up my hands and stepped in between the girls. "Both of you, stop it. Seriously. This feud has to stop sometime."

"As long as Paige stays out of my business, it will."

"As long as Ellie stays out of my air space, I'll be fine. So, run along, Morticia. Nobody wants you here."

"Paige," I warned. She huffed and crossed her arms, avoiding my eyes. I wrapped my free arm around her shoulder and led the girls down the hallway to our homeroom. "So, Paige, I'm liking the new haircut."

She ran a hair through her new shoulder-length haircut. "Thanks, Marco. It's so chic, isn't it?"

"Um, it's called a haircut that half the world possesses..." Ellie jumped in.

"Be nice!" I chuckled into her ear, but I couldn't keep the smile from my face as Paige let out an indignant snort.

"Coming from the girl who doesn't even know what style is... Listen, I don't have time for this. Marco, save me a seat at lunch."

"Well, I promised Ellie that-..." but she was already heading off down the hallway.

"Forget it. So, Marco, are you coming tonight to Ashley's little dinner?"

"Brayden's coming out party? Of course, I'll be there."

She wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled herself closer to me. "I"m just scared that something's going to go wrong, you know?"

"What could go wrong?"

"Well, Brayden could-..."

"On second thought, don't answer that. Listen, everything's going to be fine tonight. I just can't wait to see you and Sean and Brayden as a little family."

"Mmmm, minus Sean plus my parents."

"Whoa, whoa!" I couldn't believe my ears. "Sean's not coming?"

Ellie shrugged. "I called to invite him, but he just tore my ear off. It's like everything I do isn't good enough for him. It's like he's my fucking parents or something!" she revealed in a low voice.

I held her away by the shoulders and looked her in the eye. "Don't. Don't let this ruin what you guys have."

"This meaning my craziness?"

"No!"

"No, Marco, it's true. I'm crazy. And it's all my fault."

"It's not your fault."

"Tell Sean that. He keeps acting as if it is."

"He's stressed. He's taking care of a baby; you're not there; it isn't what he imagined it would be; and he misses you."

"You think he does? 'Cause the way he's acting is like he doesn't ever want to talk to me again."

"He does. Believe me. So all you have to do is ask him again."

She sighed and gave a little smile. "You're right. I'm not going to give up."

"Good! So how about you go find him right now and ask him?"

She hesitated and put her hands on her hips, looking up at the ceiling. "Shouldn't he be apologizing to me?"

I snorted and looked at her in disbelief. "Since when does Ellie Nash think like that?"

"Fine. Fine! I'll go find him."

"Tell me all about it in homeroom!" I called out after her.

Ellie

I quickly made my way down the hallway towards the Grapevine office- the complete opposite direction of Sean's normal stomping grounds. So I told Marco I'd ask him again, and I will. Just... not right now. Right now, I have to work on my story for the next edition of the school newspaper.

"Ellie, how are you feeling?" Liberty van Zandt looked up from behind her desk in the office. I took a seat behind my own and quickly organized the mess of papers on my desk.

"Fine," I replied, not really wanting to get into any of the gritty details about my sucky life thus far. I pulled out my planner and checked my deadline. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw that I still had a few more days to work on my piece.

"Do you think you'll have your story in on time? You can have a few more days if you'd like."

Since when was Liberty so lax about a deadline? Especially when it comes to me? I'm the only person keeping her from being the full-blown editor of this paper. She's never cut me any slack before.

"I'll have it in on time. You don't need to do me any favors."

"Just trying to be nice..."

I looked up from my computer and gave her a small smile. "I know. Thanks."

She pursed her lips and turned back to her notebook. I went back to typing up my article.

"Woah! Miss Nash is back in business! What's your latest?" Mr. Simpson stumbled into the office, arms full of papers, a briefcase, and a coffee mug.

I smiled and pushed my chair back on it's wheels. "Nothing too captivating. Just putting out into the open a few of the gender roles put into affect by the school. What do you think?"

"Sounds wonderful. What do you have so far?"

"Oh, just a few things... Like girls have to have special permission to take shop. Or the vice versa for boys and home economics. Or how about the fact that the morning announcements never cover any of the girls' sports? Or what about-..."

Mr. Simpson held up his hands and nodded. "I get it. I can't wait to read it. I agree that there are lousy stereotypes put upon the boys and girls in this school. In every school. A lot of it is in the comments given by the teachers, too. Have you ever noticed how a lot of the teachers will tell boys to try harder, but to girls they just say good try? We push boys so much more than girls. It's ridiculous. I've even caught myself doing it sometimes."

"Can I quote you on that?"

"Yeah. You can."

"Thanks." I pushed my long hair behind my shoulder and quickly copied down what Mr. Simpson had just said. Now all I had to do was get a few more quotes, talk to Alex about the procedure she had to go through to get into shop, and ask Spinner about getting into home economics.

"So, Ellie... how you been holding up?"

I had to force myself not to flinch at his worried tone. Why was everyone so damn worried about me? I can take care of myself. I always have. I stood up and gathered my book bag. "I really have to get going. Homeroom starts in a few minutes."

"I can write you a pass."

"Thanks, but... just... no thanks."

"Ellie, I really want to talk to you."

"Mr. Simpson, I'm fine. Believe me." Seriously, why did he have to be so annoying all of a sudden?

And why the hell is he actually following me out into the hallway. I took a deep breath as I started to push through the throngs of students that milled around the hallway. "Excuse me. Get out of my way," I muttered under my breath as I stepped around a group of giggling girls applying enough hair spray to destroy the ozone layer in five seconds. Not to mention my lungs.

"Ellie, I just think you're avoiding what's going on. You need to talk to someone."

I blushed furiously. Thank God everybody was so loud or else everyone would hear about me and my problems. Why does Mr. Simpson have to be so nosy? He's a nice guy and everything, but definitely nosy. And what does he know anyway? Has he ever dealt with this? I don't think so. I quickened my pace to lose him and let out a sigh of relief when I saw the hallway that led to my home room. Now all I had to do was turn at the corner and take a few more steps.

I turned at the corner. Too bad I ran straight into Sean.

Sean

I held onto her arms as she stepped away from me. "You okay?" I asked.

She nodded and ran a hand over her tired face.

"Where you headed?"

"Anywhere far away from Mr. Simpson," she grumbled.

"Huh?"

"Home room."

"Oh. I was looking for you."

"You were?"

"Yeah... Um... Sorry about..."

She put a hand on my elbow and squeezed. "Forget it. Really. You're stressed and tired, and so am I. We're just jumping at each other's-..."

"Throats. Yeah. It's really not-..."

"Helping. I know. So, let's start over."

We can't start over. If we started over we wouldn't be where we are now. We wouldn't have a baby. We wouldn't be living together. We wouldn't be going through this whole thing. God, I wish we could start over. Too bad it's fucking impossible.

"Listen, Ashley's parents are making a big dinner tonight. They want us to-..."

"Come over. Ashley told me. So did Marco. They kind of yelled at me."

"Sorry."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, well, how about from now one we keep our personal things, uh, personal."

"Wow. Um. I think everybody knows by now that we have a baby. It was pretty obvious that I was pregnant."

"I'm not talking about that baby. I'm talking about us."

"That baby has a name. And Brayden is a part of us now."

"Glad to see you're finally realizing that."

We stood in the hallway, bodies inches apart. Right now, all I wanted to do was just snap and let her see how stressed out this was making me. I wanted to scream at her to come home and take care of her son and let me sleep for once. I wanted to make her feel guilty for not being there for me. How long am I supposed to go without her? I want her to be there with me when I eat dinner and when I do my homework and when I go to bed. And she's not. And she doesn't care that I need her too.

"So, are you coming tonight?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, I'll see you."

"Do you want me to pick you up?"

"Not necessary. My parents are coming."

Fuck. No.

I pulled on the collar button-up shirt and let out a huge breath. My stomach was in knots, and I was getting a splitting headache from listening to Ellie's mom talk about pearls. Seriously. Who gives a shit?

Ellie nudged me with her foot under the table, and I looked furiously at her. If she was even telling me to pay attention to her stupid mom then- Never mind. She smiled sweetly at me. I smiled back and started to relax. I placed a hand on her knee underneath the table. Hey, maybe this night wouldn't be so bad after all.

Brayden started to make fussing noises, and everyone looked over at him. Cue the collective Oohs and Aws. I rolled my eyes as Ellie's mom started making some ridiculous cooing noises to him. For once she shows some sort or emotion other than contempt, and she's probably scaring the poor kid half to death.

"He's so adorable, Ellie. I can't believe he's yours!" Kate clasped her hands and made a funny face at Brayden. Brayden smiled and kicked his little legs.

"I love him so much."

"I bet you can't bear to leave him, huh? I could hardly stand leaving Ashley when she was a baby." Kate smiled over at Ashley.

I had to stop myself from snorting. I don't think Ellie thinks a second thought about leaving Brayden behind sometimes.

"It's true. I hate leaving him. I have to drag myself away sometimes. It's so hard especially when all I want to do is just hold him and play with him and give him baths and take naps with him..."

Huh? Has Ellie suffered from amnesia recently? I believe I'm the one who does all that stuff with him.

"Just last night, I was giving him his bath, and he was just making the cutest faces."

I shot Ellie a look, but she didn't bother noticing me. She just went on to tell Kate and Jeff about all the fun things her and Brayden have done together. Funny, I haven't heard my name once in any of the stories yet. Ashley toyed with her food nervously. Marco looked sick to his stomach. And Ellie's parents just smiled as if their daughter wasn't lying through her teeth. Was the Nash family seriously nuts? I couldn't help but look at Ellie as if she was a total psycho right now. All of these stories she's spitting out are lies, and she looks so calm as she's telling them.

"It sounds like you're a wonderful mother, Ellie," Jeff responded.

Yeah, let's all applaud Wonder-Mom over here. What about me? I'm freaking Super-Dad. Here Ellie is taking credit for all the things I do, and I'm getting ignored. It's like I'm just some random sperm donor or something.

"She is. It's going to be so hard for her to let go when she goes off to college..."

"What?" I was seriously confused. What did Ellie's mom mean by that?

"Sean, you really shouldn't interrupt people. It's rude."

"Don't tell me about rude, Elisabeth," I sneered.

"Sean," Ellie reprimanded under her breath.

"What does she mean by 'let go'? Huh?"

Mrs. Nash let out an exasperated breath and leaned forward. "Sean, you really don't expect Ellie to just give up college, do you?"

"No, I'm just really confused here."

"Sure you are, honey. College is a foreign concept to you, isn't it?"

"Mom!"

I gripped the handle of my fork. It was the only thing from keeping me from lunging across the stupid dinner table and choking Ellie's mom by her neck. "Ellie, why don't you just tell me what's going on?" I snapped.

"It's just... My mom... She... Uh... She-..."

"When Ellie goes off to college, I will be taking Brayden and raising him."

I jumped up so fast my chair fell backwards and the dishes on the table rattled. "Like hell you will!" I bellowed.

"Sean," Ellie pleaded, tugging on my arm.

"Let go of me. How could you? You grew up with her. You know what she's like. And you want her to raise our son? You want Brayden to watch her drink every night? Do you want him to have to take care of her drunk ass? She's so fucking weak. She'll just poison his mind. How dare you make that decision when you know what it's like to live with her? She abused you, Ellie. Emotionally. Mentally. You want Brayden to grow up thinking he's never good enough, just like you do? Fuck. Why don't you just take a blade to his arm right now?"

I felt a stinging sensation as Ellie smacked me across the face. Everyone sat in quiet shock as Ellie glared at me. For a split second, I thought of begging her for her forgiveness. I wanted to get on my knees and just beg her to not be mad at me.

"You apologize to my daughter right now!" Mr. Nash warned. Ellie looked at me expectantly.

But I didn't.

"I'm not apologizing to you. I'm not sorry for anything I just said. In fact, there's a whole lot more I want to say to you." I glanced around the table at our audience. "But I'll do it in private. But don't think for once second that I'm going to take back anything I just said. Your mom is a witch. She is a life-ruiner. And I can't believe you want Brayden to go through that."

Mrs. Nash let out a strangled cry and rushed out of the kitchen. Her husband followed close behind to comfort her. Ellie glanced at the doorway her parents ran out of and her lip trembled as she looked back at me.

"That's not going to work. I've given you time to get better. You're not trying. And I'm sick of having to apologize for what I feel. So from now on, I'm not. I'm not walking on tip-toes around you anymore. I'm not letting you guilt me into feeling sorry for you. I'm saying what I want to say, and I don't care if you like it or not."

There. Now let's see what she has to say about that.

"Take me home right now," she seethed, staring at me dead-on.

The car ride was silent. I pulled the car alongside the road and turned it off. Ellie pushed the door open and angrily stomped up to the apartment, her red hair streaming behind her. I let out a sigh and followed. As soon as I put Brayden down in his crib and closed his door, Ellie opened her mouth.

"How could you say those things? In front of Ashley and Marco? In front of Ashley's parents?"

"I don't care."

"Well, I do. I don't care if you say those things to me. Fine. But why does every argument have to be public?"

"You make it that way. If we fight in private you just tell everybody about it, so why bother hiding it anymore? Face it, Ellie, we're screwed!"

"Fine. You can shit about me. Okay? I don't care what you say about me anymore because I've heard it all before! Damnit, Sean, but why did you have to say that stuff about my mom?"

"Because it's true! And you know it! You're mom is evil."

"My mom tries."

"How can you stand there and defend that woman after everything she's done to you?"

"Because it hasn't always been this bad, okay? There's been good times. My mom had me when she was fourteen. You think she had to have me? No, she could have gotten rid of me. But she chose to have. She wanted me. And she taught me how to tie my shoelaces, and she bought me my Madonna 'Lucky Star' record, and she taught me how to braid hair, and-..."

"She made you cut."

Ellie shook her head forcefully. "That's me. It's so easy to just make my mom a target, isn't it? She contributes to it, but there are other things."

"How can you leave Brayden behind? Don't you love him?"

"Of course, I do! But what good am I going to be to him if I can't even get a job? My mom's offering to watch him while I'm at class. She's offering to buy us a house when you come to college."

"I don't need her charity." I was bitter. I paced around the room, trying to make sense of anything Ellie was saying. But all I could see was red.

"Next you're going to tell me that Brayden will be attending some ritzy private school where he'll grow up hooked on drugs and turn into some yuppie bastard!"

"So what if he does go to private school? What? You jealous that he'll get things you never had?"

"Jealous? No way. I'm just scared he's going to end up like you!"

"How dare you?"

"It's true. You're sitting there telling Ashley's parents about what a wonderful mom you are and how special you are, and it's all in your head. You're crazy to make up stories like that."

"Who cares? They're just stories!"

"They're fantasies. And they're never coming true."

"You asshole."

"What? Are you going to cry now? Go ahead and try. I'm not letting you push me around anymore. I'm sick of always being the wrong guy. I'm always wrong, you're always right. It's a fucking dictatorship between us, and I can't stand it anymore. And if you can't let me be who I am and say what I want then we're ov-..."

Ellie's lips crushed mine as she threw herself against me in a forceful kiss. I was too shocked to return it but she didn't seem to mind. She pulled away breathless and running her hands over my chest.

"What?" I was so confused. One minute we were fighting, screaming at each other, and the next minute Ellie's kissing me?

"Shut up," she ordered. I watched in amazement as she leaned towards me again and pulled my head down to hers, tugging at my hair to the point where it hurt, but felt so damn good at the same time. She hungrily kissed me, but I still didn't give in. If she thinks this is going to make up for all the times she's bullied me into being a wimp and apologizing to her, she has another thing coming.

She whimpered slightly as she frantically kissed my lips, my cheek, my cheek, my neck, my collarbone... My knees buckled as she pressed her hips against me and ripped my shirt open, popping off a few buttons in the process.

"My shirt..." I complained lamely.

She looked at me in disbelief as she worked on my belt. "You're worried about your shirt?" she gasped through her ragged breathing. She pulled me over to the kitchen counter by the belt, not taking a break from kissing me for even a second. I watched as she jumped up onto the counter and spread her legs, pulling me towards her by the ripped shirt that was still hanging off of me. She tore it off all the way and threw it over her head.

I stood still. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to do.

"Sean, stop acting like a prude."

"We-we were just fighting and-..."

Ellie looked up from unbuttoning her top. "And it turned me on. I know."

"Wha- I'm so-..."

"What don't you get, Sean? I want you. You talking back to me like that really... it did it for me." She wrapped her legs around my waist and tangled her fingers into my hair again. "Fuck me."

"What!"

"Screw me. Make love to me. Just touch me."

She didn't have to beg me anymore. I helped her get her shirt off of the rest of the way and pulled her tank top over her head before landing my lips on her neck. She moaned and pulled at my hair as I made me way down her collarbone to the exposed area of her breasts. I pulled back slightly and rested my forehead against hers as I shakily slipped her bra straps down her arms, running my hands over her smooth shoulders. Our breaths were short and desperate, and I realized just how much I had missed being with her.

"We are so messed up," I whispered.

"So?" She kissed me hard, sucking on my lower lip till it was puffy and swollen. I tangled my tongue up in hers and relished in how good her nails felt as they trailed up and down my back, switching from hard to barely there.

I helped her take off her skirt as she unbuckled my pants and let them fall to the ground. I stepped out of them and leaned her back slowly so I could kiss her abdomen. She wrapped her legs around me again and sighed as I kissed the spot in between her breasts.

"I need you now," she whispered into my ear.

I smiled and teased her a little more by making her wait. She let out a sound of frustration and pushed me away slightly. "You may think you're some tough guy from now on, and that's fine with me, but both know who dominates in this area."

She pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow at me. I chuckled and pushed my lips against hers. "I think I'm fine with that," I murmured into her lips.

Later that night, we lay in bed, sweaty and out-of-breath from our late-night activities. Ellie rolled over on top of me and started to suck on my neck.

"Again?" I complained half-heartedly. I was exhausted. I'm not sure that I'm even man enough to satisfy Ellie's libido.

"Nah," she whispered, collapsing against my body. "Just felt like kissing you."

"Mmm," I moaned, closing my eyes.

She ran a hand up and down the arm I had hooked behind my head. I grazed her back with my fingertips, and she shivered.

"I'm sorry."

"Sean, don't apologize. You said you weren't going to apologize."

"You make it so fucking hard. I feel guilty if I say anything remotely mean to you."

"Don't. I'm a big girl."

"You're sensitive."

"Shh. You're not supposed to know that." She raised her head and looked at me through heavy eyelids. I leaned forward and kissed her softly.

"Fine. I'm not sorry. Cause I meant it."

"I know you did."

"So what are we going to do about it?"

"I don't know. Promise me, though, that you'll hear my side. And then I'll hear your side. And then we can make this decision together."

"And you promise you will look at my side?" I asked her.

"I promise."

I smiled and nodded my head. "But let's not talk about that tonight. Let's forget all about dinner tonight. Let's just remember dessert."

"You're so cheesy."

"And I'm so turned on right now."

"I so can feel it."

"So..." I lifted my eyebrows.

"So..." Ellie lifted her right eyebrow.

I pinned her underneath me and trailed little kisses down her neck, making sure to go as slow as possible.

"Damnit, Sean. I love you."

"I love you, too."

extra long chapter because i've been such a bad author! i didn't have the internet for a LONG time so hopefully now that I have it back I can update more regularly. So I hope you guys like this chapter. I enjoyed writing it.

Next chapter:

- Ellie and Sean discuss Brayden's future

- and... ? I don't know yet. Ideas, anyone?

Reviews/Suggestions always welcome! Thanks for sticking with the story!