Chapter 35: Can't Help Falling In Love

Like a river flows surely to the sea

Darling so it goes

Some things are meant to be

Take my hand, take my whole life, too

Ellie

I pulled my hair back into a loose ponytail and pushed up the sleeves of my shirt, revealing a few faint scars that still had not healed- remainders of harder times. I pushed my hands down into the warm, soapy water and pulled the washcloth to the surface. Taking a dirty plate in my other hand, I wiped at it with circular motions.

"Alert the press, Ellie Nash is doing manual labor?"

I raised an eyebrow at Sean. "Don't push it."

He chuckled and zipped his hoodie up. "You sure you'll be okay?"

"I'll be fine. My mom said if I need help I can call her."

"Yay..." he muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" I warned.

"Nothing. Are you sure?"

I let out an exasperated sigh and held up the wet washcloth threateningly. "Leave now or be damp."

"Okay, okay... I'm going."

I watched as he closed the door softly behind him, careful not to wake Brayden from his nap. I turned my head to look over at the sleeping baby and smiled softly. This would be my first night alone with him. So far, so good.

I groaned out loud as I looked at the pile of dirty dishes in the sink. Of course the dishwasher had to choose to break down this morning. I hummed a little as I continued to scrub the dishes, getting lost in my own little fantasy where I was reincarnated as Cinderella.

"Hey..."

And there's my Prince Charming.

"What now?"

Sean stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked at me sheepishly. "Are you sure you'll be okay? I don't have to go. I can stay with you. We can do this together."

"Do you not trust me to be alone with Brayden?" I gave him an accusing look.

He shook his head forcefully. "No. It's just... I don't want to overwhelm you."

I threw the washcloth in the sink and took a hesitant step towards him. "I'm doing better now."

"I know. I'm just worried that maybe this is going too fast..."

"My mom is waiting by the phone. And anyway... I can do this, okay?" My eyes pleaded with Sean's to just have faith in me. Sure, I may have messed up from the start. I may have had my issues, but I was dealing with them now. And I needed this chance to prove myself to him. To everybody. And to myself.

Sean framed my face with his hands and lightly kissed me in a rare show of unguarded emotion. He pulled away, slightly embarrassed, and stuffed his hands back in his pockets, turning his head slightly. "Anyway... yeah, you can do it. I believe in you."

I decided to not to push him any further by gushing about the tender way he had just held my face or the impossible amount of passion he had just put into that barely there embrace. Instead I let it go for fear of embarrassing him. "Go play poker. Drink a few beers. Have fun. You deserve it."

He held up his hands in surrender. "Okay, okay. I'm going. I'll see you later."

"Don't drive drunk."

"I won't!"

He kissed me on the cheek before tearing out of the apartment. I watched from the window in amusement as he hopped into the car, looking excited to finally be getting out of the house and away from the demanding role of adult.

The phone rang, and I ran to pick it up before it disturbed Brayden. "Hello?"

"You okay?"

"Mom, I'm fine!"

"Are you sure? I can come over now, if you want. I can help you clean up that messy apartment. I can watch Brayden as you take a shower. I can-..."

"Mom, I'm fine. I don't need help."

"Okay, I was just offering."

"I'll talk to you later. Bye."

I set the phone down and sighed. Why does everybody think I'm so incapable of doing anything by myself? I can handle this.

It took me an hour to finally get all the dishes clean and the apartment straightened up. Brayden slept the entire time. As I was organizing the DVDs, however, he awoke with a piercing scream.

"Shh! It's okay, Brayden!" I tried to calm him down as I lifted him out of his baby swing. "Shh! SHH!"

I paced back and forth, slightly bouncing him up and down, hoping that he would stop crying soon. Ten minutes later, he was still screaming, and I was at my wit's end. My forehead had broken out into a sweat, my blood pressure was rising, my heart was practically crashing through my chest, and my hands were shaking.

"Please, just stop crying!" Tears formed in my eyes as I looked at how much pain he seemed to be in as his tiny fists flailed in the air. "It'll be okay if you just stop crying. Please!"

I set him back down in his swing and stepped away slowly. I buried my face in my hands and let out a shuddering sob. What the hell? Why wouldn't he stop crying? Was something wrong? Forget about how much I knew about babies before... that's all gone out the window at this moment. I can't even think straight right now. I can barely remember my own name at this point.

Brayden let out another piercing shriek, and I immediately reached for the phone and dialed the number.

"Mom?" I choked out.

"What's wrong?"

"Please. You have to come over. Please, help me."

"Is it Brayden? Is it you?"

"It's Brayden. Just please come help me."

"I'm heading towards the car now. Stay calm, sweetie."

I hung the phone up and ran a shaky hand through my hair. I tried to think of a logical reason why Brayden would be crying, but the only thing I could think about was the sound of his cries. How desperate they sounded. Why couldn't I just help him?

Sean

"Batman or Superman?"

I gazed at my beer intently. "Batman. Definitely."

"Why?"

"He's got all those cool gadgets! I mean, he has the car."

"True. True." Jay nodded his head in agreement and took a swig of his beer. "Craig?"

"Superman. He's simple. He doesn't need gadgets."

"Whatever, dude. Batman could kick Superman's ass any day."

Jay interfered. "Okay, ladies, shut the hell up. Anyway, I prefer Cat woman. Meow!"

Craig and I took one look at each other and burst out laughing. "You would!"

"Hell, sometimes Lexi will even dress up as Cat woman. It's frickin' hot."

Craig and I got lost in the thought of Alex wearing leather and carrying a whip. Yeah, that was kind of hot.

"Can Ashley borrow her costume?" Craig joked.

"Yeah, Ashley, Queen of the Prudes."

"Watch it, Jay."

"Sorry. I forgot you were, like, completely devoted to her."

We were silent for awhile, enjoying the fact that for one night we had nothing better to do than just sit around and get wasted. Funny to think that this is the first night I've been able to hang out with my friends since Brayden was born.

"So, how did you get away from the screaming brat for the night?" Jay addressed the question to me.

"Ellie's watching him."

"I wasn't talking about Brayden."

I glared at him as he let out a deep laugh. "Man, I love ripping on you guys!"

"I've noticed."

"Lighten up. It was a joke."

Craig's curly mop swayed as he shook his head. "Jay, you think you're hilarious, don't you?"

"I am. Right? Am I right? I'm totally right. Anybody need another refill?"

I lifted a finger in reply and sat back in the couch as Jay went into the kitchen. We were hanging out at Craig's while Joey was out for the night. It'd been awhile since I was last at Craig's. I can't really remember exactly when I stopped coming over. I guess it was pretty much as soon as I fell into Jay's group. I kind of abandoned a lot of people at that point. But that was back in the day when I had my own problems, and I was selfish. Funny how people can change so drastically.

And funny how meeting that one special person can make you change for the better.

Ellie

"Is he okay?" I wrung my hands as my mom picked Brayden up and placed her cheek against his.

"He doesn't have a fever. Did you burp him?"

I shook my head silently. How could I be so stupid? Burping would seem like naturally the first thing to do. Why didn't I think of it?

"Well, he burped but I guess that wasn't it. Maybe it's gas."

"Gas?"

"Sometimes it takes awhile to pass."

"I wish he'd stop crying. He's scaring me." I bit my lip, trying to stop the tears from falling down my face. It's so hard, though, to see him like this.

"You did check his diaper, didn't you?"

"Diaper?" I repeated lamely.

"Ellie! He probably wants his diaper changed."

I flinched at her tone of voice. As if I was stupid for not thinking of that first. Which, to be honest, is probably true. How could I not even think that maybe he needed to be changed? Isn't that the first response, usually? I silently followed my mom into the nursery and watched as she placed Brayden down on his changing table.

She talked to him in a hushed voice as she unbuttoned his outfit and pulled it up to reveal his diaper. "Do you want a new diaper? A fresh one? You poor thing..."

I bit my lip hard and blinked quickly. Did she have to use that tone of voice? That tone that says she knows everything, and I'm just an idiot? The same tone of voice she's used on me since I became a teenager?

"Ellie, can you hand me a diaper, please?"

Suddenly I was back to the mind-numbing scared-as-hell phase. Did I even trust myself enough to hand my mom a diaper? What if something happened to Brayden in the middle of our interaction. What if he rolled off the table? What if he-...

"Ellie!"

I snapped back to reality and faced my mom. "Sorry?"

"Ellie, I want you to change his diaper."

Change his diaper? Change his diaper? What if he did roll off the table? Do I even remember how to change a diaper? I felt my mom's hands on my shoulders, pushing me towards the table.

"You're going to do fine. I'm right here. I'll help you. I'm right here, sweetie."

She kept a hand on my back as I reached forward to start taking off Brayden's current- most likely dirty- diaper. My fingers trembled slightly, but I was starting to breathe easier. My mom murmured words of encouragement along the way, making me feel a million times better.

"Oh, pee-uw! Brayden!" I quickly threw away the diaper.

"Now take some wipes and clean him up. Yes, just like that. Rub a little baby powder on your hands... yes, just like that. Good! Now just put a new diaper on him. Oops, that's backwards! That's better. Okay, great! You changed your first diaper!"

I stepped back, slightly exhilarated at the big step I had just taken. I just changed my first diaper! Brayden kicked his legs a little and blew spit bubbles.

"See, he stopped crying. Now how about you pick him up and we can take him back in the living room. Grandma wants to visit with her grandson!"

I cradled Brayden against my chest, making sure to pay special attention to supporting his head. He gurgled and made noises as he tugged on my hair with his tiny fists. "I can't believe I froze like that. I should have known it was his diaper."

"Don't beat yourself up over it. You're new at this. Pretty soon, you're going to know what every single cry of his means."

"Really?"

"Yep. Now, when's the last time he's had a bottle?"

I glanced at the clock. "It's been a few hours."

My mom stood up from the couch and headed towards the kitchen. "I'll get him a bottle. You relax."

I was grateful for my mom's company. I don't know what I would have done without her tonight. I guess I actually do need her guidance more than I want to let on. I watched silently as she" expertly prepared a bottle for Brayden. Was it this easy for her when she had me?

"You make it look so easy," I commented as she handed me the bottle.

"Well," she gave me a knowing look. "I've had practice."

"Yeah... was it hard?" For the first time in years, I was feeling the urge to know my mother better.

She let out a peal of laughter, startling Brayden, and slightly tugged at the pearl earring in her ear- her usual nervous gesture. "What's with all the questions?"

"Just... I was just wondering."

"It was hard. I was young, too. I didn't have all the answers."

"How'd you get them?"

"Your grandmother. Practice. Mistakes. There's not a book out there that tells you how to be the perfect mother. It's just something you have to experience and learn from. It's a never ending job."

"I think I'm starting to see that. I just wish I could have been the mother Brayden deserves from the very beginning."

I slightly flinched as my mom's fingers caressed my bangs off of my forehead affectionately. "That doesn't matter, sweetie. What matters is now. Look at how much he loves you."

I glanced down at the sleeping baby nestled in my arms, the bottle abandoned in my lap. His tiny fingers were curled into fists and his lips were slightly pursed. His breathing was soft and even, and his chest rose gently. Everything about him was so... graceful. Fragile. Perfect.

"You think he knows me?"

"Of course. You're his mommy. That bond is stronger than anything."

A smile slowly crept across my face at the thought of Brayden knowing that I, Ellie Nash, am his mommy. That when he cries he knows that I will be the one to comfort him. That I am the one who will teach him how to play the piano or to draw. And that every smile he gives is essentially made for my sake.

Sean

I slammed my cards down on the table. "Full house, bitches."

"You're fucking kidding me!" Jay laid his head on the table and groaned. "That's like the fifth hand you've won. Are you stacking the deck somehow?"

"Nah, I got skills."

Craig spewed his beer everywhere and laughed. "Yeah, skills, alright..."

"Whatever. What time is it, man?"

"Why? Is it almost time for Seany's bedtime?" Jay teased.

"Maybe. What's it to you?" I finished off my beer and stretched my arms above my head. "Yeah, I'm definitely finished here."

"Dude, you finally get a free night, and you're packing it in early."

"Yeah, seriously, Sean. Take advantage of this," Craig jumped in.

"Hey, I have a family to go home to. That's kind of a big deal," I explained.

"Oh, boo fucking hoo. She'salready got her leash back on you. Face it, you're whipped."

"I'm not whipped. I'm responsible. There's a difference."

"Sean Cameron. Responsible. Ha!"

"Man, give him a break. He's right. He's got a little family," Craig stood up for my sake.

I threw him a grateful look. Jay just doesn't understand. He's still convinced that I can just party whenever I want to without having to think about my son. And it seems that no matter how many times I tell him different, he doesn't listen.

"Cameron, I still don't understand how you got here."

"Here?"

Jay shrugged in his drunken state. "Strapped with a kid. Here."

I laughed. "Well, let's see. There's this little thing called sex. And sometimes it can go very wrong. And then there are consequences." I was aware that my words were coming out slurred, but I didn't have the patience to concentrate harder on what I was saying.

"If I were you, I would have denied having any part in making that kid."

And he really would have if he were me. But that's where Jay and I are different. He still has growing up to do. He still has to discover his morals and values.

"Are you fucking serious?" Craig was surprised by this proclamation. "Do you have any idea how wrong that is?"

"Dude, it was hypocritical."

"The word you're looking for is hypothetical." Craig was the most sober out of all of us. I think he was intentionally taking it easy tonight.

"Hypothetical. Whatever. The point is no girl is ever going to strap me down."

"Oh really? Not even Lexi?" I couldn't stop myself from getting that dig in. If anybody's whipped, it's Jay. Alex practically controls his every thought and move.

"Lexi? Whatever. She has no hold on me."

Craig and I shared a glance.

"Well, I seriously have to get going."

"Fine. Fine. Alex'll pick me up."

"Cool."

I struggled slightly to get up out of my chair. The room swayed a little, but not enough to really affect me.

"You okay?" Craig looked at me. "How about I drive you home?"

"I should be fine."

"No, I really want to drive you home."

I was about to protest again, but I remembered Ellie's request that I didn't drive drunk. "Okay."

Five minutes later, Craig was at the wheel as I slumped down in my seat. I blinked my eyes a few times to focus on the road ahead of me but wasn't having too much luck.

"Sometimes I don't understand Jay." Craig broke the silence.

"He's just scared that he'll fuck up some kid the same way his father fucked him up."

"Yeah, well, I didn't grow up with the best dad either, but I still don't act the way he does." His grip tightened on the steering wheel. "I really admire you, you know?"

I didn't know what to say. Was that the beer talking? Was Craig just getting overly emotional on me because of the alcohol level in his system?

"I'm jealous of you, actually."

No, he wasn't drunk. He looked over at me at a stop light.

"Seriously. You've got Ellie and a kid. You guys are doing alright. Do you realize that my own kid would have been almost one by now?"

I didn't know exactly what to say. What do you say to something like that? Sorry your ex-girlfriend aborted your kid? Somehow that didn't sound like the best response. Instead, I opted not to say anything.

"Awkward. Sorry. It's just I look at you and Ellie and I wonder if that's how I could have been. I wonder what type of father I could have been if I'd been given the chance."

Suddenly I was aware that this was probably the first time Craig had ever told anyone how he felt about the whole situation. But I guess that's the kind of friendship we used to have. We told each other things that we couldn't tell anybody else.

"I wish she would have just given me the fucking chance to have something of my own, you know? How come Ellie was able to do it? She didn't go and get an abortion. How come Manny couldn't? Goddammit, would it have been that hard for her to not be selfish for one second?"

"Man, you're pissed, but don't pin it all down on Manny. She was fourteen!" I finally found my voice. Too bad Craig wasn't going to like what I had to say. "I mean, you weren't in her position. And I honestly don't know how Ellie did it. She's amazing. But Manny's situation was different."

He didn't say anything for awhile. Finally he shook his head and laughed bitterly. "You're right. Here I am bitching and moaning about how Manny got rid of my kid, but she's the one who has to live with that decision, you know? I wonder... I wonder if she ever regrets it? I mean, I wonder if she was scared. And if it hurt. And if she ever thinks about our kid. Is that weird?"

"Nah," I yawned and burped loudly in the car, relieving some of the tension. We both laughed. "Two points for that one."

Craig pulled alongside the street and stopped the car in front of my apartment building. "You really are lucky, though. You know?"

"I guess."

"No, you are. I mean... Ellie's great. And I can tell that you're really happy with her."

"I am."

"Have you ever thought about ten years from now? Will you still be with her?"

I hesitated. Had I? No. I mean... Had I really thought about it? I guess I had considered it vaguely. I guess I always thought that it would be cool if we were still together. But, realistically speaking... what are the chances?

"Um, I don't know," I answered.

Craig nodded. "Sorry. Drinking makes me... deep. Or something like that."

"Yeah... Well... I'll see you later. Thanks for the ride."

"No problem."

I stumbled a little as I walked up the stairs to our door. I could hear the TV softly through the door, and I smiled at the thought of Ellie waiting up for me. She usually does. I let myself in and locked the door behind me quietly.

I stopped when I entered the living room and just stared. The sight of Ellie and Brayden sleeping in a chair together was the most welcoming image I had ever seen. I immediately felt like I was home. And not in a physical sense, but in a more mental and emotional way.

I gently pulled Brayden from her arms and carried him into the nursery. I made my way back into the living room and ran a finger down the side of Ellie's left cheek. Her eyelids fluttered a little before opening up slowly. A lazy smile stretched across her face. "Hey," she murmured.

"Hey," I whispered back. "Ready for bed?"

"Mmmm... yeah."

"Good."

I helped her up and wrapped an arm around her as we walked into the bedroom. She turned to look at me as she started to undress. "Did you have fun?"

I only nodded in response.

"Are you drunk?"

"Buzzing."

"Who drove?"

"Craig."

"Okay."

I stepped into the bathroom and performed my nightly routine. I took two aspirin as she brushed her teeth. I grinned as she looked up at me, toothpaste in the corner of her mouth. We both looked like we had just survived a rough night.

I turned on my side in the bed and kissed the base of her neck softly, taking in the scent of her. Home. She ran her fingers lazily through my hair and pressed her lips to my ear. "Make love to me," she whispered, almost inaudible.

She didn't have to ask twice.

And as I held her in my arms later on, studying the way the moonlight reflected on her hair, the thought of us ten years from now didn't seem to unrealistic as it once did. In fact, it seemed the only right thing to do. It's the only thing that makes sense.

there you go! sorry it's been taking so long, but hopefully the length makes up? tell me what you think of this chapter.

next chapter... i think sean and ellie are going to struggle with the seriousness of their feelings for eachother. i think they're going to step back and just observe each other doing simple everyday things... i think it'll turn out to be a good chapter

tell me what you think please! thanks for the lovely reviews!