Chapter 36: Vindicated

I am selfish

I am wrong

I am right

I swear I'm right

swear I knew it all along

and I am flawed

but I am cleaning up so well

I am seeing in me now

the things you swore you saw yourself

Sean

"Pears or peaches?"

I adjusted Brayden in my arms and glanced up at Ellie as she held up two jars of baby food.

"Peaches. He likes them better. Right, buddy?" I tickled his stomach with my hands and laughed as he kicked his feet and blew spit bubbles.

Ellie knelt in front of me and ran her hand softly over his head. "He loves when you do that," she murmured softly. Our eyes met and we shared a smile with each other.

"Do you want to feed him?" I offered.

She chewed on her lower lip for a moment before breaking into an even bigger smile. "Sure," she replied. "Why not?"

We walked over to the couch and took a seat next to each other. I transferred Brayden over to her, helping her place her hands behind his head for support. She took a moment to get settled in before giving a brisk nod.

"I'll hold the jar for you. Here's the spoon." I handed her the baby spoon and held the jar so she could easily reach it.

"Is this too much?"

"No. Just right."

"Really?" She seemed pleased with herself.

I kissed her on the cheek softly. "Really," I murmured in her ear.

She gave me a sly look before going back to feeding Brayden. "So what did you and the boys talk about last night?"

"You really are lucky, though. You know?"

"I guess."

"No, you are. I mean... Ellie's great. And I can tell that you're really happy with her."

"I am."

"Have you ever thought about ten years from now? Will you still be with her?"

My eyes turned to my feet and I gave a little grunt. "I dunno..."

Ellie gave me a suspicious look as she fed Brayden another spoonful of baby food. She didn't say anything, but I could feel her eyes burning into the side of my face. My cheeks flushed, and I took a deep breath to try and stop myself from reacting like this. Seriously, what's the big deal? So Craig mentioned the future. Like I never thought about it... Okay, well, I never really thought about it.

I mean, is this it? Is this my life? Waking up in the middle of the night to check on a baby, sleeping with Ellie every night, going to school, picking Brayden up from Ellie's mom, working, doing homework... Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Will I even be able to get into college with all this pressure on me now? If I can't even get into college, I'm not going to be able to go to medical school. And then I can't be a doctor, and I'll just end up one more Cameron kid who made nothing of himself.

"Sean? Are you okay?" Ellie's concerned voice brought me back to the here and now. Forget about the future... I have too much shit to worry about now.

I looked over at her and just took her in. The way her unwashed red hair framed her face in soft waves... the slight wrinkle in her forehead as she looked at me... the way her lips parted slightly... the smudged eyeliner under her left eye...

I shook my head forcefully and forced out a laugh. "I'm just spacing out. Tired. You know."

"Okay," her tone told me that she didn't believe me. But she was going to let it go.

"So what were and the guys talking about again?" she asked nonchalantly.

I took a sleeping Brayden out of her arms for her and placed him in his little playpen in the living room. He didn't even open his eyes once. I stood over the playpen and look inside at his sleeping form. "Craig brought up the abortion," I told her.

"Really?" Ellie tucked her legs underneath her and leaned against the back of the couch.

I looked back at her and nodded. "Really," I confirmed.

"Wow... What'd he say?"

I took a seat back on the couch and turned my body so I was facing her. "Just that he wished he'd had the chance to be a dad. That sort of stuff."

"He sounds bitter."

"He is. I don't think he realized how much it hurt him until we had Brayden."

"That makes sense."

"That makes sense..."

"You're the first person who's ever said that."

I smiled at the memory of us in detention. Who knew? I never thought that I would have found her that day. I mean, yeah, I saw her in the hallways before, usually hanging out with gay Marco or gothic Ashley, and Emma hadn't been too fond of her during the GM foods protest, but I never thought I'd be able to connect with her like this. We have our problems like any other couple, but with her I'm willing to actually talk instead of just walk away.

I've never talked about my problems before with anyone. I just wanted the world to leave me the hell alone and let me get through school and end up just like the rest of my family. And the world refused. Emma refused, Mr. Simpson refused, Mr. Ehl refused, Ellie refused... And I've always wondered why. Why? Why do they care about me and my future? But I guess it's just something people do. We care about other people. And we butt into their lives even when they don't want us there.

I was given every opportunity to just leave Ellie. I could have turned my back on her. Shit, I almost did. I could have put Brayden up for adoption, I could have skipped town, and I could have never looked back. I'll admit- I thought about it. I chalked it up to lack of sleep, but I know I seriously considered it. It would have been so much easier that way. I could be a kid again.

But then I would always wonder if my son was out there. Was he alive or dead? Was he in school or was he taking after his dad? Does he like cars? Does he like rap music?

And I would spend me entire life worrying about Ellie. Was she alive? I can't even count how many nightmares I've had about Ellie committing... I don't even want to think about it. Would she be strong enough without me?

And that's so wrong to think. As if I'm her life or something. As if I'm the only thing keeping her hanging on. Because that's not true. She has so much to live for. I'm just another guy in her life. But if I had left, I would have been just another guy who had left her. I couldn't do that. I couldn't be that guy. I couldn't spend my life wondering what she was doing at that exact moment and if she was married and if she still had her long hair or if she still wore the same perfume...

She's flipping through a magazine now, chewing on her lip. And I'm just sitting here staring at her. She had choices, too. She didn't have to have Brayden. She didn't have to keep him. She didn't have to stay with me.

"Did you ever think about abortion?" I asked, out of the blue.

She stopped reading and her eyes looked up, staring at the wall opposite us. She looked back at her magazine. "Would you hate me if I said yes?"

I thought about it. The answer was obvious. "No." I took the magazine from her hands and threw it back on the coffee table.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you think about it? Why didn't you do it? I dunno... just why?"

Ellie crossed her arms uncomfortably and shrugged. "I felt like I was too young. But I- I just couldn't. I was walking to the clinic. And I just... I just walked right past it. So, I thought about it. I just couldn't do it," she confessed.

Where would I be now if she had walked into that clinic like Manny had? Would I be bitter like Craig? Would I be happier? Would I be out partying at the ravine with Jay right now? Would Ellie and I even be together still?

I wouldn't be bitter, and I wouldn't be happier. Because I never would have known. I'm sure of that. Ellie wouldn't have told me. That's just how she is. She would have lived with it forever without telling anybody. The thought of her carrying around a secret like that made my head hurt. I know what happens when Ellie carries around something...

"You want some coffee? I definitely want some coffee!" Ellie jumped off of the couch and started to head towards the kitchen, but I grabbed her hand, pulling her back into my lap.

"I'm glad." I kissed her hand softly and looked into her eyes. "It would've been wrong."

She rolled her eyes and took her hand away. "You know how I feel about this issue. I didn't not do it to make some sort of political statement, Sean..."

I focused on kissing her neck instead. "I wasn't talking about you making some sort of political statement, Ellie..."

She looked at me, confused. I kissed her neck again slowly. "I meant it would have been wrong because it wouldn't be like this. We'd just be us. We wouldn't be us. You know?"

She smiled. "I think I do."

"I like this. How we are now. A family."

"A family," she repeated.

"I never felt like I had a family. My parents shipped me off and my brother was too busy."

"My parents were always gone."

I wanted to tell her more. I wanted to tell her just how much she meant to me, but I couldn't. I'm not some loser who talks about his deep feelings like this. I don't write poetry or songs to my girlfriends. If I did that? My reputation would be completely ruined. I wouldn't be hard-ass Sean anymore. I'd be- I'd be... Craig.

"You look awful deep right now."

I shook the image of writing love songs and singing them in the gym out of my head and focused my attention back to the feisty redhead on my lap. "Me? Deep? Nah."

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking," she joked, laughing a little.

"Hey!" I threw her down on the couch and straddled her, digging my fingers into her most ticklish spots.

"Stop! Sean! Stop!" She giggled, wheezing as she tried to push me off of her. "You're going to wake up Brayden!"

I widened my eyes and fell lightly on top of her. "I wouldn't want to do that," I whispered against her cheek. She shivered a little and ran a hand through my hair. I nipped at her neck and kissed her on her nose.

"Confession?" She asked quietly, running her hands up my sides.

"Mmm?" I responded, half paying attention, half pre-occupied with her soft ears.

"I'm really happy."

I pulled my face up from her neck and looked at her. She met my eyes before quickly averting them. I framed her face with my hands and forced her to look at me. "Hey... look at me. I'm happy, too."

She smiled and pulled me down for a kiss. I kissed her back deeply and held her closer to me. She crept her hands underneath my shirt and dug her nails lightly into my back and chest, crushing her lips against mine. We both knew where this was leading.

"Do you- do you want to go into the bedroom?" I moaned against her lips. Hey, I was taking full advantage of this moment.

"Uh-huh," she answered. "Come on."

I led her into the bedroom, kissing her neck and picking her up off of the floor. "You know what I'm going to do to you?"

She giggled and wrapped her arms around my neck tighter. "What?"

"You'll see..."

She smirked and kicked the bedroom door shut with her foot as we entered. I placed her on the bed and knelt in front of it, burying my head into her stomach. I slid my hands up her sides, slipping off her henley shirt over her head. I trailed kisses up her stomach as I worked on the drawstring to her pajama pants.

"Sean?"

"Hmm?" I kissed her along her ribcage.

"The baby."

"Huh?" I continued to kiss her, not really hearing what she was saying.

"The baby. He's crying."

"What?" I groaned, getting to my feet.

Sure enough, Brayden's cries were piercing the ear. Ellie leaned back on her elbows and grinned at me from the bed, half naked. I shuffled my feet over to the door and opened it up, looking back at Ellie one more time. She shook her head in amusement and fell completely on her back, giving me a look.

"Just wait until tonight when he's asleep."

"Can't wait."

I rolled my eyes and headed over to the playpen. Brayden looked up at me, a smile on his face. His cheeks were still a little damp, but other than that, there was no sign of his crying. I gave him a mock glare and picked him up. "Did you ruin my moment with mommy on purpose?"

He kicked his feet in response.

"Yeah... that's what I thought..."

I glanced up at the clock and threw my magazine on the floor. "It's bath time."

Ellie glanced at me over her laptop and raised an eyebrow. "Are you implying something...?"

I laughed and ruffled her hair. "You have a dirty mind."

"I prefer kinky," she grinned wickedly.

"Anyway," I wrapped an arm around her waist and buried my head into her shoulder. "I was talking about Brayden. It's almost his bedtime. He needs a bath. Wanna help?"

She didn't respond for awhile, instead continuing to play that stupid Snoods game she's always playing online. Finally, she exited the game and set her laptop back on the coffee table. She looked down at me and shrugged my head off of her shoulder before getting up. "Well, are we going to do this or not?"

I stood up and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Yeah, let's do it."

"So this won't hurt his eyes, right?"

"Nope. He'll be fine."

"Okay, good."

"Well, don't try and get it in his eyes..."

"Har har," Ellie laughed sarcastically. Her right hand shook a little as she poured the cup of water over Brayden's head, blocking off his eyes with her other hand.

"Good. Now here's his washcloth. I'll hold him while you wash him off."

"This doesn't irritate his skin, does it? Because I noticed a rash last night..."

"Ellie, it's fine. Don't worry."

"Okay. Sorry."

I stopped myself from chuckling as she took extra care washing Brayden. She's so worried she's doing everything wrong, but she's doing everything right. I held the towel out as she picked him up, dripping wet, and placed him in the towel. I wrapped him up and handed him back to her to hold. I've given Brayden plenty of baths before... this time it's Ellie's moment. She made cooing noises at him as he squirmed a little before settling down.

"He always puts up a fight at first. He'll be getting tired soon so we can put him in bed."

"You're a good father, you know that?"

I didn't bother hiding my surprise. She returned my look with complete seriousness.

I blushed and shuffled my feet a little. "Well, yeah, I know that."

"Do you really know that?"

I thought about all the nights I had watched Brayden in the NICU, bathed him, fed him, put him down for his naps... "Of course I know that."

She didn't say anything else about it.

"Do you, like, read him a bedtime story or anything first?"

"I don't think he understands bedtime stories yet. He likes his mobile."

Ellie whipped her head to look back at me as we walked to the nursery and smirked at me. "I told you he'd like the mobile. Tchaikovsky is music for all ages."

"Yeah, whatever. You were right, as always. Just don't blame me when Brayden grows up to be gay..." All of a sudden, that comment didn't sound as funny as I thought. "Wait... Brayden's not gonna turn out gay is he? I mean, is he going to be a fa-..."

"Sean!" Ellie turned around sharply and raised an eyebrow. "Listening to Tchaikovsky is not going to turn Brayden gay."

"How do we know Marco didn't listen to classical music as a baby?"

"Plenty of mothers let their babies listen to classical music."

"Yeah, and they're kids probably all turn out to be gay."

"Music can't turn someone gay, Sean."

"How do you know?"

"Because I know all things, remember?"

I slumped against the nursery wall, exhausted, and gave her a weary look as she placed Brayden in the crib. "I forgot about that." Suddenly, I was the worried parent.

She laughed when she saw my face and held it in her hands. "Look at you. Sean, Brayden will be fine. I promise."

"He's starting football as soon as he's old enough."

Ellie took my hand and led me out of the room. "You know, sometimes football players have to take ballet."

I shook the disgusting image out of my head. "Fine, basketball."

"But then he might want to do cheerleading instead after seeing just how much fun it looks."

I blanched and tightened my hold on her hand. "Wrestling. Definitely wrestling."

"Oh, yeah. Marco loves to look at the wrestlers in their tight uniforms. Shows everything in all the right places..."

I released her hand and pushed her gently against a wall. "Are you trying to make me sick?"

She wrapped her arms around my neck coyly. "Is it working?"

I took in the feeling of her arms around my neck and the look in her eyes. "Mm," I bent my head down and rubbed my face into her neck. "Not anymore."

"So... what did you say you were going to do with me now?"

"You'll see..." I picked her up and ran carrying her into the bedroom. She laughed and urged me to put her down. I tossed her onto the bed and jumped on top of her, covering her face and neck with sloppy kisses. She returned the kisses eagerly and pulled me closer to her.

Suddenly, the best idea hit me.

"Hockey!"

She pulled away, her eyes droopy. "What?"

"Hockey. Brayden will play hockey. It's a manly sport."

"That's good..." she pulled me down for another kiss. "Except..."

"What? Throw it at me. There's nothing gay with hockey..."

"Dylan plays hockey."

I collapsed onto the bed next to her and stared at the ceiling. "I give up."

She rolled over and straddled me, pinning my arms above my head. "Well... I don't."

I rolled over and pressed my face into the pillow. Light from the sun was creeping into the room through the room and it was blinding. I groaned as the covers were pulled off of me and a hand came down on my bare butt.

"Ow," I groaned into the pillow.

"Wake up! I made you breakfast."

I let out another groan.

"Get up, funny man. Look!"

I rolled over and stretched my arms above my head and squinted at Ellie. Her hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail and something white and powdery spotted her forehead and cheek. In other words, she looked beautiful.

I pulled the covers up over me and sat up in bed. She placed the tray on my lap and sat next to me expectantly. I glanced over the tray and smiled. It actually looked pretty decent. Pancakes and scrambled eggs. "How long did it take you to make this?"

"Oh, not too long," she blew it off.

"How long?"

"An hour."

I smiled and picked up my fork. "Well, it looks great." I leaned over and kissed her tenderly on the nose.

"Seriously?" She looked proud of herself. The thought of her feeling that proud of herself for the first time in a long time widened my smile.

"Yeah. See?" I shoved a fork full of eggs in my mouth to emphasize my point. Big mistake. Big. I fought back the urge to spew everywhere as I chewed on the watery, salty mess. "Mmmm... How much salt did you put on these?"

She shrugged and played with the ends of her ponytail. "I don't know. A few shakes."

Sure. I felt like I was guzzling down saltwater. I managed to swallow the eggs and sighed. Maybe the pancakes would be better. They looked good- a nice golden brown with a few blueberries. I tore off a bite with my fork and carefully brought it to my mouth. I forced a smile on my face as I chewed on the not-quite-done pancake. The taste of batter filled my mouth as I kept chewing. There was no way I could pretend for an entire plate. I set my fork down and cleared my throat.

"Truth?" I asked.

Ellie looked up and shrugged. "Truth."

"Your breakfast sucks."

I could tell she wasn't prepared for that. Her eyes widened and her mouth formed a perfect "o". The sight of her brought back memories of my first pet when I was a child- a goldfish named Henry. Her mouth quivered, and I braced myself for it. Either she was going to burst into tears or she was going to scream at me for being so inconsiderate.

Instead, she burst into a fit of giggles. "Is- is it that bad?" She choked out in between laughs.

I sighed and gave her a look. "It's that bad."

She fell over onto the bed laughing. "At least your honest. Oh well. I tried. It looked good."

"Yeah, it looked good, but it tasted like shit. Here, try some."

She squealed and pushed away my hand that held out a fork. "No way!"

"You should definitely try some."

"Get it away from me! Get it- Sean! Get it away!" She kicked at me, and I threw the fork back on the tray, sliding out from underneath the covers to roll on top of her. The tray fell off the bed in the process, crashing onto the floor. I expected her to freak out- to jump off the bed and clean it up. Because that's what she would have done before.

I paused and looked at her, my eyebrows raised. She raised her eyebrows in response. "What are you looking at?"

"Are you going to clean that up?"

She tossed her hair out of her face and sighed. "It can wait."

I brought my lips down to her ear. "We have about twenty minute before Brayden wakes up. What do you want to do?" I pulled away from her slightly.

She smirked up at me and snaked an arm around my neck, drawing me back down to her. "Come here..." she whispered.

"Homework?"

I looked up from my notebook and nodded sullenly. "Homework," I repeated dully.

She grabbed the notebook from me and looked over it. "I hate math," she commented. "You're doing this right, though."

"I am? I thought I was doing it wrong. It's taking me forever."

She tossed the notebook back in front of me and wrapped her arms around me from behind. "Nope," she kissed me on the cheek. "You're doing fine, smarty pants."

"Ha!"

She threw herself on the couch and picked up the remote control. "It's true, you know," she said after ten minutes.

"Huh?"

"It's true. You're smart." Her eyes pierced mine.

"You're funny." I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair as I turned my attention back to my homework.

"I'm being serious. You're smart, Sean. You know that, right?"

I thought about it for a second. Ellie was always telling me I was smarter than I gave myself credit for. I never really believed her, though. Sure, I know about cars, and I can even figure out biology, but what else am I really good at? Well... I guess I do know a lot about World War II. I mean, I aced that test just last week. And even my spanish is improving. English is still a sore spot, but Ms. Kwan seemed impressed with my book choice for my next paper. She said it's "quite challenging, but definitely doable". That's a compliment, right?

"Yeah," I answered. I smiled at her. "I guess I do know that."

Do you guys hate me? Sorry it took forever to write. Next chapter will be in Ellie's POV only. Nothing much happened in this chapter but it's going to play a big part in later chapters.

Honestly, there are probably only a few more chapters left to this story. I have a lot of other ideas for stories running around in my head so I'm excited to get started on those, too. Desperado is probably going to take longer to finish up just because there's a lot of unanswered business going on. But I'm making sure that all the chapters in that story from now on have significant things happening in them so it's not drawn out anymore.

Next chapter: Sean teaches Ellie how to cook (or tries to!), Ellie and Sean will probably face the woes of having to take your child with you somewhere simple like the grocery store (and what a hassle it can be...), and... other stuff.

I'm hoping I'll be able to get the new chapter up by the weekend. Cross your fingers!
thanks for the reviews! keep them coming!