Chapter 37: She's Got A Way

She's got a way about her

I don't know what it is

But I know that I can't live without her

She's got a way of pleasing

I don't know what it is

But there doesn't have to be a reason

anyway

Ellie

"You look good."

I tucked my hair behind my ear and glanced up at Marco from my spot on the front steps of Degrassi. The sun shone in my eyes, and I shielded them with my hand. "Thanks," I replied.

He smiled and sat down next to me, placing his messenger bag in his lap. "Seriously. You look... happy. I'm proud of you."

My cheeks turned red, and I looked at my feet. "Marco..."

"Don't say anything. I just wanted to tell you that. How's Brayden?"

I looked up and nodded my head. "Good."

He ran a hand over the top of my head and kissed my forehead affectionately.

"Del Rossi, I thought you were gay?"

We both looked up at Jay and Sean as they smirked back at us. The smile didn't fade from Marco's face. "You sure are interested in my sexuality, Jason. Anything we need to know?"

Jay's face flushed and he puffed up his chest. "Whatever," he muttered and adjusted the sunglasses on top of his hat. "You ready, Nash?"

I stood and brushed off the back of my shirt. "Sure. Marco, we're going to the Dot. Wanna come?"

He hooked his arm around my neck and pulled me close. "Delighted."

Jay grimaced but unlocked the doors to his car anyway. "Fags sit bitch," he announced.

Alex flicked his head from the passenger seat. "Who's driving then?"

We all laughed at her remark except for Jay, who only mumbled something under his breath before revving his engine. The ride only lasted three minutes, and I started to wonder why we didn't just walk anyway. My thigh was pressed up against Sean's, and I smiled at the warmth he generated. Feeling suddenly self-conscious at the goofy grin spread across my face, I wiped it from my face and stared out the window, my chin in my hand.

"Are you going to get out or what?"

I looked up in surprise as Jay held the front seat down for me, waiting for me to exit the vehicle. Everyone else was already outside and talking about today's school gossip as they headed into the small restaurant. I unbuckled my seatbelt and leaned forward to step out of the car, careful not to bump my head.

Jay locked the car up, and we walked towards the Dot together. He cleared his throat, and I looked up at him, expecting him to say something.

"What?" he snapped irritably.

"Nothing," I shrugged, slightly annoyed at his tone. He'd been acting weird towards me ever since I'd given birth.

"So, uh..."

"I thought you didn't have anything to say?" I mused.

"Shut up, Nash, or I'm not saying it."

I held my hands up in mock surrender. "Fine, fine. Go ahead."

"Well, uh, about that day... You wanted to watch your stupid move, and I changed the station. Maybe... I mean, then you freaked out like you usually do, but you- you know..."

He looked away sheepishly, his sunglasses hiding the look in his eyes, and I could only imagine how much he was kicking himself inside. I ducked my own head and shrugged, playing off the whole speech with nonchalance. "Well, yeah... I know."

"Just- maybe I shouldn't have changed the station."

I wanted to roll my eyes at how stupid he sounded, as if him changing the station really caused me to go into premature labor, but I could tell it was taking a lot out of him to even talk about it. Still, I didn't want him to beat himself up over this. "Jay, you know, you really didn't do-..."

"Nash, just shut up. Can't you just be happy that I actually apo- whatever."

Sean was waiting by the door to the Dot. "You girls coming or what?"

I smiled as Jay reached an arm around his neck and pulled him down for a quick noogie, resulting in Sean pulling a quick wrestling move and mock glaring as he straightened out his hair.

"Man, come on. I'm starving."

Jay stormed through the doorway, yelling above the noise for Alex to get him some nachos and a hamburger. I smirked as Alex blatantly ignored him and went on to listen to Marco's story about his encounter with Mr. Radditch.

"What were you guys talking about?" Sean's arm snaked around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him. I welcomed the action and snuggled into his side as we strolled to the booth.

"Um... Nothing. We weren't talking about anything," I smiled sweetly as he lifted an eyebrow and gave a small laugh.

"Sure..." Sean mused, letting me know he didn't believe me as he tightened the arm around my neck and pulled me close for a quick show of public affection.

"Kwan's on my ass about some stupid book report I never turned in. I told her I don't read. The bitch doesn't get it!" Jay complained as Sean and I sat down.

Alex rolled her eyes. "My boyfriend, the charmer," she drawled. I hid a smile behind my hand as Sean snorted.

"It's dumb anyway. She says I won't pass if I don't do it. Whatever. We'll see."

"Jay, you're not going to get held back again are you?"

"Not all of us have Ellie to help us, Cameron. I don't think Alex has ever read a book in her life."

"Hey! That's not true. I read Hop on Pop!"

"You can hop on this pop if you want..." Jay murmured under his breath, throwing her a sly look. She threw a french fry at him but laughed anyway.

I stirred the ice in my water thoughtfully. "Why don't you just do it? I'll help you if you need it."

"You don't get it, Nash. I'm trying to prove a point."

"And what point is that exactly?"

"That reading is stupid, and Kwan can't make me do anything I don't want to. Get it?"

I wrinkled my nose. "Not really... What- it's, like, a five-page report? No big deal."

"Right, so what's the point of doing it? Right, right?" He looked around the table for consensus.

"I'm with Ellie," Marco admitted.

"If Jay doesn't want to do the stupid paper than he doesn't have to," Sean shrugged.

I threw him an angry look. "Watch it..." I warned.

He sighed. "Fine, Ellie is right. She is always right," he said in a slow, robotic voice. Everyone laughed as he pretended to be brainwashed. Everyone but me. I crossed my arms and glared at the table but stopped myself from getting nasty for everyone's sake. It's so hard though when I'm constantly being labeled as annoying for caring about other people. This is what I get when I actually reach out to someone. Grief.

I felt pressure on my thigh and looked down at Sean's hand gently squeezing my leg. I smiled secretly at his touch and decided to just forget about Jay and his problems with Ms. Kwan. Instead, I leaned my chin on a fist and informed everyone of my plans for the evening. "So, do you guys know what I'm doing tonight?"

"Ooh! What? Tell us! Tell us!" Jay joked with fake excitement.

"Knock it off," Marco shook his head and gave his attention to me. "Whatcha doing tonight?"

"Grocery shopping. Oh, and Sean's teaching me how to cook."

I heard Sean groan loudly as Alex and Jay spewed Coke all over the table. Even Marco looked a little perplexed by this announcement and squelched the small smirk off his face. I looked around innocently. "What's so funny?"

"Little Seany's going to teach you how to cook? I didn't realize Sean was such a gourmet chef," Jay chuckled, wiping the tears from his eyes. "Do you wear a hat and apron?"

"Whatever. We have to go, right Ellie?" Sean's eyes pleaded with me to leave the restaurant.

I nodded, grabbing my school bag. "Yeah, we have to pick up Brayden. Marco, call me?"

"Sure, sweets. I'll talk to you later."

We walked in silence for a block before Sean spoke up. "You didn't eat much. You didn't eat anything at all. Did you really have to go and do that?"

"Do what? Not eat or something else?" I snapped, a little angry that he had to go and bring up my eating habits without giving me any warning.

"Mention the whole cooking thing? I mean, how embarrassing. I have my pride, you know."

"Oh God. Are you seriously strung up about that? So what if you're teaching me how to cook?"

"The point is you made me look like a complete girl back there. I'm a guy. I'm not supposed to know how to cook and do laundry and everything."

I sighed, "And I'm totally emasculating you, aren't I? You know, Jay and Alex are your friends. I really don't think they care. And who cares if you know how to do that stuff? Someone had to do it back in Wasaga when your parents were too drunk to function."

He didn't say anything. We were a block from the apartment when he stuffed his hands in his pockets awkwardly and turned to me. "I think you're the only person who really understands what it was like for me back then."

I brushed the strands of hair the wind whipped forward out of my face and looked at him. "Jay and Alex understand, too."

"No," he shook his head. "They really don't. They think it's some huge party to have parents who don't give a shit. They think it's fun for me to be on my own. You understand. Only you."

I cleared my throat and looked away, uncomfortable.

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Turn yourself off. You're doing it. You're putting up a wall, and we can't do that anymore. Why won't you let me tell you how much I love you?"

I laughed shortly. "All my life I just wanted to feel loved, wanted, needed. I wanted to just feel something from somebody, and for awhile I thought I'd never feel anything again. I was determined to never feel again. Look what you've done to me." I looked back up at him, tears shining in my eyes as I smiled. "You've turned me into the biggest moron in the world."

His lips crashed into mine, almost knocking me over on the sidewalk. I leaned forward into the kiss and gripped small handfuls of his shirt, determined to show him all the things that I never could find enough words to say.

"Should we take the carrier in?"

"Sure."

"Well, what if I just carry him myself? Should we just do that? I mean, otherwise we have to put the carrier in the cart, and I don't know if I really trust that because someone could just hit our cart accidentally and hurt him."

"Or you could accidentally trip and drop Brayden..."

"Right, so I should bring in the carrier. It's probably safer. I should have brought a stroller. Why didn't we bring a stroller? That would be a lot easier, you know?"

"Sure. Can we just go in?"

"We should get you one of those pouches so you can carry Brayden on your chest. What are they called?"

"I am not wearing a baby. I might teach you how to cook but I will never wear a baby on my chest, got it?"

"All the dads are doing it."

"Well, I'm a cool one. That sounds like something Marco would do. Can we just grab him and go. Seriously."

I pulled Brayden's carrier out of the seat and threw an exasperated look at Sean. "I'm coming, I'm coming."

"You shouldn't worry about this stuff so much. You're going to stress yourself out."

"Don't you think I know that? I can't really help it."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah... Look at Bray- he's even laughing at you."

I stopped walking and pursed my lips. "You know, you could be a little more sensitive to the fact that I have anxiety problems."

Sean kissed me on the side of the head and smirked. "I am. I find it a little adorable... in an annoying way."

"Not funny. Okay, grab a cart." I lifted the baby carrier and set it gently in the cart, careful not to disturb Brayden too much. On second thought... "I think I will just carry him."

Sean grabbed the cart from me and shot me a menacing look. "Listen, Nash, we're going to make this easy. No drama, okay? Brayden's staying in the cart, and you're keeping your hands where I can see them. Unless you, uh, want to put them-..."

"Sean," I interrupted. "So not in the mood for sexual banter. Not in the mood for sexual anything today."

His face fell, but he trudged along anyway as we made our way through the aisles, occasionally asking me if I was for real. Yes, Sean, I was for real.

"So, wait, what am I learning to make again?"

"Lasagna. Salad. Bread. Chocolate pudding."

"Chocolate pudding?" I wrinkled my nose. "I don't remember you mentioning that last night."

He glanced at me sideways. "Well, yeah, cause I just got the craving," he explained as he reached forward and grabbed a small box of instant pudding and placed it in the cart. I laughed and ran my fingernails through his hair affectionately.

"Okay, we can have pudding."

"So, we need some lasagna noodles, ricotta cheese, mozzarella cheese, spinach, red peppers, mushrooms, garlic, tomatoes, onion, and basil..." he muttered under his breath, going down the small list he had scratched out during class, as he searched through the shelves.

"Can we put some broccoli in it?"

"Yeah, sure." He walked off towards another aisle, leaving me with the cart.

"Okay, well, I'll just grab the veggies real quick, okay?" I started to walk off, too, just reaching the broccoli before my name rang out in the store.

"Ellie!"

I spun around, my eyebrows furrowed. "What?"

He gestured towards the cart I had left alone... with a sleeping Brayden inside.

My hand covered my mouth, and I felt like throwing up in the middle of the store. I rushed back to the cart and Sean. "Ohmigod... Ohmigod... I can't believe I just left him..." I whispered, looking around to see if anyone had been witness to my lack of good maternal skills, or whatever.

Sean laughed, "Smooth. Real smooth, Nash."

"It's really not funny," I murmured, thinking about what could have happened if Sean hadn't turned around and seen me walking away from the cart. "He could have been kidnapped or hurt or-..."

"He's fine. Don't worry about this, okay?" Sean took hold of one of my hands and caressed it lightly, comforting me. I sniffled and fought back the tears. He was right, nothing bad happened. I made a mistake.

"Come on, let's just hurry and get out of here." I took hold of the cart and wheeled it over to the vegetable section. "Hand me some broccoli," I ordered as I snapped open a plastic bag.

"Broccoli."

"Spinach."

"Spinach."

"'Shrooms."

"'Shroo-..." Sean gave me a weird look as he handed me a few mushrooms.

"What?"

"Nothing," he shrugged, but I saw him smile as he turned back towards the vegetables.

"What?" I pleaded, wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my cheek against his back. "Tell me."

"Hey, didn't I say watch those hands?" His voice was low and husky.

I giggled softly and unraveled my arms from around him. "Come on, what else do we need."

"Hold on, hold on. I still have to get..." He grabbed a few peppers, some cloves of garlic, and an onion. "There. Now we need... cheese. We need cheese."

I yawned and rubbed my eye sleepily. "I need a nap..."

"Oh no. You're not putting this off. You're learning tonight."

"Why can't we just get that lasagna that goes in the oven?" I whined as we headed towards the dairy department.

"Because this is way better than that stuff. And it's my favorite. So you can make it for me from now on," Sean explained nonchalantly.

"From now on? What's that mean?"

"Just- in the future, you know?"

I bent my head and focused on my nails. "Oh," I replied. "In the future." As if it were the most casual statement in the world. As if it didn't imply that we would be together, that we wanted to be together, for a lot longer than just right now. Sean was making future plans for us. I kind of liked that.

I dried my hands off on the dishtowel, placed them on my hips, and investigated the scene. "What now?"

Sean looked over at me and rolled his eyes. "You just stand there and watch me do all the work. Come over here."

I slowly made my way over to the counter and leaned against it, hoping he really would just let me off the hook. He handed me a knife and a red pepper.

"Chop. Watch your fingers."

I chopped the pepper up into small cubes and placed them in a bowl like Sean instructed me to. Slowly we made our way through preparing the ingredients, making small talk about our days. I told him about my latest art project, and he told me about auto project. He admitted he had an exam coming up, and I admitted I had a session with Dr. Brahm the next day.

"I can come with you if you want."

I shook my head. "It's okay. We'll probably just talk about..." My voice trailed off as I inspected the nutritional facts for the pasta, trying to figure out exactly how many calories I'd be consuming in this one meal.

Sean grabbed the package out of my hands and opened it. He didn't say anything but I knew he was thinking about me and my progress. I took a seat on one of the bar stools and cradles my face in my hands.

"I'm fine, you know," I pointed out.

He glanced back at me. "You sound almost convinced."

"Pardon me?" My voice rising and the walls already starting to rise again.

"You don't just go to a few counseling sessions and magically cure yourself. It takes awhile. You're still looking at food as if it's a calorie number instead of actual food. Until you stop doing that, I'm going to be worried."

I didn't know what to say to him. True, I had made amazing progress, and funny enough my pregnancy had helped me more than I expected, but I was still recovering. I was still looking at myself a little too long in the mirror, still worrying about how many calories and grams of fat were in everything...

"Where did you learn to cook?" I asked, curious as to Sean's sudden hobby.

He shrugged, his face turning a little red. "I don't know. My parents were too busy... someone had to do it."

"It's just weird that you never cooked for me before when we first started dating. It was a constant pizza party."

"Yeah, well, I guess I just picked it up again... You know, learning to cook your own meals is good for someone with an eating disorder. You learn to trust the food because you're the one making it instead of some stranger. You can always take a cooking class or watch one of those shows on TV..."

I got up from my seat and stood next to Sean, leaning against the counter and staring at him as he furiously stirred the mixed vegetables in some olive oil. A small smile came to my mouth as his face started to turn an interesting shade of red. He was embarrassed. I looked at the bowl he was mixing the ingredients in and lifted a shoulder, trying to appear nonchalant. "So, you just picked cooking up again..."

"Well, someone had to teach you..." he responded, his voice rough.

"And now I can cook for myself now that you've taught me?"

He wouldn't meet my eyes. "Something like that."

"I love you."

He stopped stirring and grinned at me.

I pushed him aside. "Now, are you going to teach me how to cook or what?"

"Fine," he laughed, standing behind me and leaning a little against my back as he instructed the process into my ear.

"Mmm. I just love the way you say ricotta," I teased.

"Brayden finally calmed down," I announced as I crawled into bed. Sean lifted his head off the pillow and grunted.

"'Bout time. I'm exhausted."

"From what? Cooking? Watching TV? What exactly tired you out?" I joked as I opened my Harry Potter book and started to read.

"All of the above. You're exhausting."

I glared at him sideways. "Nice."

He wiggled closer to me and rested his head on my lap. "I meant that in a good way."

"Uh-huh, right..."

"Go back to reading your witch book."

I rolled my eyes. "For your information, Harry Potter is a-..."

Sean shot up and grabbed the book from my hands, holding it out of my reach. "Okay, okay, just please don't go into one of your long lectures on the importance of literature or whatever you're ready to whine about now."

"I do not lecture. I teach others about what I know from-..."

He silenced me with a rough kiss on the mouth, his lips crushing mine as he pressed all of his weight in it. Just as I was deepening the kiss, he pulled away.

"What- what was that for?" I asked, my head a little foggy.

"To shut you up. Sometimes you don't know when to stop."

I folded my arms across my chest and arched an eyebrow. "Oh?"

He mimicked my movements. "Oh?"

I screwed my mouth up, trying not to laugh at his impression of me, but I couldn't help it. I let out a peal of laughter and pulled him closer to me. "Come here,"I beckoned, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

He nestled next to my side as I found my place in my book again and started to read.

"Who's your favorite?" Sean whispered, his eyes still closed.

I looked towards the ceiling and shook my head in amusement. "Hermione," I whispered back.

"Figures you'd like the brainy, moralizing, know-it-all."

"Wow, someone sure knows a lot about Harry Potter..." I responded drily.

He rested an arm across my stomach and kissed me through my tank top. "Jay had to take his little sister to the movie. I kept him company."

"Aw, a date. Who's your favorite?"

"Those one, uh, red-head twins or triplets or whatever..."

"Yeah, like you don't know their names," I muttered, my eyes sliding across the page and taking in the story.

"Well, are you going to read that thing out loud or what?"

I glanced over the top of the book and looked down at Sean's head resting on my stomach. His eyes were closed and eyebrows raised in expectance. I turned the page back to the beginning of the chapter and started to read it out loud. Minutes later, Sean's soft snores could be heard, and I smiled at the comfort the sound provided me in our little apartment.

Sean

I groaned as the alarm clock rang in my ear and swiped my hand out to reach it, only to grab

a handful of hair.

"Ow!"

My eyes opened, and Ellie's peered back at me. The alarm clock was in her grasp and held right next to my ear. No wonder it was giving me a splitting headache. "Why you-..." I hissed and knocked the clock out of her hand, causing the batteries to fall out of it.

"Chill, Sean. I was just trying to make sure you woke up," she explained innocently.

I buried my head deeper into my pillow and grunted. She lifted the bed sheets and gave me a quick swat on the butt before rushing out of the room. "Come on, Sean! I want to show you something."

"Come back and do that again," I called after her, a little turned on by her slightly aggressive behavior.

"Come here!"

I rolled my eyes and made a big deal of getting out of bed, muttering under my breath about the fifteen extra minutes of sleep I could be having. Tired, I stumbled into the living room and kitchen area and laughed at the site that I was met with. Two bowls of Cheerios with strawberries and bananas sat on the coffee table, a lit candle in between them- one I recognized from the outdoor picnic I had given Ellie one night. Two plates of toast were placed next to the cereal bowls. I noticed one had completely burnt toast while the other was a golden brown. I smiled at the thought of how many pieces of burnt toast were probably discarded in the trash can.

The best surprise, though, was Brayden, already up and dressed, sitting in his bouncy chair. I gave him an affectionate pat on the head, touching the few light brown hairs he possessed. I turned my head to look at Ellie, taking a seat next to the coffee table and taking a delicate sip from her juice glass.

"You really did all this?"

She gave me a look. "All this? It's just a bowl of cereal and some bread."

"Well, and Brayden's all ready to go to your parents' house, and you did it all by yourself."

She smiled and bounced a little in her seat. "I guess I did."

I sat across from her and dug into my cereal. "It's good."

"Yeah, Post or General Mills or whatever is a miracle worker. I know it's not Belgian waffles or pancakes or anything-..."

"And thank God for that."

"But I tried. Look how perfectly cut those strawberries are! And the toast, can you see how golden brown it is?"

I took a bite. "I see! And how many pieces of bread did you go through to get it this perfect?"

"Oh... a few. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that-..."

"Can I say something?"

She blinked, a little surprised by my interruption. "Sure. What's up?"

"Did you put any sugar on the cereal?"

"Uh, no. Is that- is that what you wanted to say?"

"Well, yeah." The disappointment in her tone made me uncomfortable. "Why? What did you think I was going to say?"

She took a small bite of her burnt toast and washed it down with juice, a disgusted look on her face. "Nothing. Ugh. Burnt toast..."

I scarfed down the rest of my breakfast and slowly started to stand up. "That was great. Well, um, I'm just going to... go... get... a shower!" I made a run for the bathroom as Ellie slammed down her juice glass and started to her feet.

"Oh no! You are not getting in there before me!" She shouted. I laughed as I ran behind the couch, five feet away from the bathroom door. Just as I was turning, a foot came sliding in front of mine, causing me to collapse onto my stomach. Ellie fell next to me, her arm crashing into my back as she landed with a soft thud and an "oof!"

We looked at each other in surprise, our faces turning red before we burst into laughter. We lay there, our bodies shaking, and our laughter turning silent at our own childish behavior.

"What the hell were you trying to do?" I sputtered, tears running down my cheeks.

"You always take the hot water!" She sat up in her oversized hoodie and too long pajama pants. Her hair was carelessly thrown into a topknot on the crown of her head and pieces were coming loose. She was unshowered, undressed, and decaffeinated with dark smudges of leftover mascara and eyeliner under her eyes, but to me she was beautiful and, most importantly, real.

I sighed and lifted myself up from the ground. "You can have the shower first."

"No, you can. It's okay."

"No, really, you can."

"Sean, take your damn shower. You need it."

I threw her a look. "You're the one who needs a shower. Look at you." The word beautiful was repeating itself over and over in my mind.

She tossed her head and gave me a haughty look. "Pssht. Whatever. I'm so sexy you can hardly stand it."

"Mmhmm," I murmured as I landed a kiss on her pursed lips. "I won't take long."

She threw me a "yeah, right" look and started towards the coffee table to clear our breakfast dishes. I took one last look at her from the bathroom doorway. Her bun flopping around on top of her head, her tiny frame that was drowning in my old clothes, and the sound of her voice as she hummed the same song she'd been humming for the past week and a half. Everyone had always told me that love was a thing that hit you- it was something huge and powerful and worthy of a moment right out of a movie. Everyone lied. The movies lied. The stories lied. The songs lied. I've learned that it's not about the big moments like everyone assumes. It's about these moments- the ones so small you hardly recognize them. It's the way Ellie wakes me up every morning, the way we fight over who gets the first shower, the way her hand fits perfectly in mine...

Lame. Lame. Lame. Sean Cameron, you are completely lame.

I let my head fall against the shower wall in defeat.

And completely in love.

okay, not very eventful and not sure i'm completely happy with it but i really just wanted to get the chapter out. there's only a few chapters (2-3) left in this story. Next chapter: Sean and Jay and Marco and Ellie talk about their futures.

The ending I originally had for this story just seems so overdone and stupid now... it's been done too many times so now I have to rework some fo the ideas I had for the story without losing too much steam. I'm really excited about starting my new story but I still want to give this story a great and worthy ending.

As always, I appreciate all the comments and comments/gripes/suggestions are always welcome!