Disclaimer: you know the drill... i own nothing and blah blah blah...

the italics are actuallyfrom my own journal, adjusted to fit the story, except the last two. i was flipping through my notebook to see if anything could help me write this and i thought this was perfect to convey the mood of this chapter.

CONFESSIONS OF A DYING EMBER

'I fell forever through a gaping hole of the purest sorrow. There was no one with me except the bitter companionship of Lonliness. The infernal grotto was ravenous, eager to extinguish any spark left in my being and consume me. No one heard my frantic cry for salvation. I was paying the price for the deadliest sin of all. I had committed the sin of Love and I was being punished. I had held my arms out to the world, giving it a chance. My embrace was partly in vain. With my arms out, my heart was vulnerable, a clear target for ice to imbrue. It was devoured, and a stone block took the place of my heart. It was burdensome; invisible ropes had wrapped around me, suffocating me. I reminisced about the moment when I foolishly attempted to trust this cruel world. But I was not rueful.

The winter raged on as the proverbial rain cloud over my head emitted snow. The icy flakes drifted down like igniting embers, and the pulsating memory of a fire of many hues struck my mind. In my trance-like state, I flared once, almost giving life to a fully-fledged flame. It was drowned out at once. As always, misery was a part of me. I was dying a slow, cold death. I continued to drown in the preternatural disc of space, and I knew I would never, not in this life nor the next, fell warmth wash over me again.'

It was a bit early for Alucard to be awake, but he was restless. He was able to catch the final glimpses of the sun's rays reflecting off of each granule of snow. Winter was well underway in London, though it was just barely the middle of December. Alucard had taken to wandering around the pallid streets hunched over. It was on these walks that Alucard found himself looking for Seras. Not in the places she used to be, but instead, he would look for her somehwere over the snowy horizon, expecting her to come over it at any moment. Or he would stare intentlyat the children throwing snowballs at each other, thinking one of them was going to pelt him the way Seras had. Then he would come to his senses again and raise his gaze heavenward. He would briskly walk back in the direction he had come from. As soon as he was out of the city, he just let himself fall back into the ground, until he could bring himself to get up again. By then, he woud retreat back to the Hellsing manor to see if Integra had a mission, any mission, for him.

Yet, she never did. She had ceased to have any contact with him. They were growing evermore distant. Alucard had, more than once, begun to open his mouth, but found that no sound would come out. He wanted to speak of Seras, to confront the fact that she was gone. But he was still searching for her...

So he would sit in Integra's office , staring fixedly at a particular spot in the outer grounds, knowing what was buried beneath. When the tension felt tangible, he simply sank throught eh ground into the basement. He stood in front of Seras's door; somehow it didn't feel right to just walk through his own wall into her room. His gloved hand turned the knob, a soft click freeing the door from its frame, only wide enough for him to slip through. It was dark, but he saw the luminous green of Seras's journal standing out in the gloom. He recalled the timehe had read that single entry that had been written to relive those fearsome dreams.

Alucard parted the pages, treating the notebook as if it were some ancient artifact. Turning to a random page, he read-

'I am walking on my toes, down a hallway that stretches far enough so that I cannot see the end. The doors on both sides of me are closed and I must look behind them. Each door is a different path: some of dangers, some of peace, states of insecurity. Others hide mosters called anger, at times envy, a parsie named hate, and a few times, the obsessive feeling of love. Some doors open into misty graveyeards , while others reveal a paradise on earth. Each door is a mystery that remains unsolved until one curious being peeks in. As one world fights to control me, I flee and slam the door firmly shut, moving on, taking care to avoid those that are foreboding. Even so, I still end up getting tossed in a few storms, but I find a way out into the corridor again. The hallway itself is mysterious. The farther I press on, he more serious the passion and pain. So I follow the trail of doors, entering and exiting. I feel that I am walking for decades, and just when I feel about to faint, I am standing in front of the final door.

It is rather odd. Unlike he other doors, it is facing me. It is decorated in all the experiences I've been through. I've stood motionless long enough. I open it and stept inside. Suddenly, the doors sweeps shut behind me on its own accord. In a fit of panic, I tremble as I fumble with the knob. It is wedged shut. the ground falls from beneath me, and I realize Death is a one way trip. This hallway had been life.'

He paused at the end of it, marked off by a single darkened line. He had thought Seras had changed into someone more profound; she had been the same all along. It was Alucard that had opened his eyes and saw more in her. He continued to pore over the journal-

'My lids are shut, and the sun lovingly strokes my skin as I lay in the comfort of the soft, white sand. The windplays through my hair, touseling it. The ocean vibrates with energy, the waves rising and sinking to its own rhythmic beat. A light spray flecks across my warmed cheeks, and I waketosee what it is. The spray transforms into fat, unwanted droplets.Now I see that I never left the grayed skies and crying heavens after all. My misery has no remedy as of yet. The prefection and flawlessness had just been a figment of my imagination.'

Alucard had to stop once again. He had always known Seras had been upset; he just didn't think that it was that high up the sorrow scale. He kept reading, knowing that in a while he was going to start from the beginning. These random entries had piqued his interest.

'Over the months, the dark has become appealing to me. My thoughts float in the nothingness, whirling in the nothingness. They belong there and no one can see them. They are undisturbed, for the most part anyway. They erase, but they're still there. Because they are mine, they are visible to me. It's perfect that way. Secrecy is meant to be hidden. The sanctuary of my mind is more than enough; the darkness has already wrapped itself around it.'

Once more, Alucard closed the notebook. He sat in a comfortable position, preparing for a long read. Flipping the cover open again, he began-

'I cannot remember anything. I've been told the amnesia is temporary, but I'm not sure I want to remember. I can recall being hurt, but that's it for feeling. And I saw a tall figure in red. i think I passed out after that...

He was nearing the end and he knewSeras had kept something from him, thinking it was irrelevent.

'I must say, tonight's mission has been the most unique of all, to say the least. I met a woman who told me to call her Sade. I thought it was Sir Integra at first from her hair, but she turned around and I saw her face. Her porcelain features showed no signs of malice, but there was something behind her jade eyes that made me cringe inside. She simply told me, 'You have the Light,' and took my hands. She coaxed me to relax and I felt woozy, hardly noticing that she had cut the tips of my fingers and her own.Once our fingers were alligned and our blood exchanged, my skin healed on its own. I looked up at her for an explanation, but she was gone. For the past few hours, I've been feeling strange...

Alucard didn't leave his spot or put down the journal, even long after he had finished reading.

excuse any mistakes because i really did not feel like proofreading. anyway, plz review and maybe you'll stick around to see where this goes, though i'm not sure myself...

and this story is out of season, but bear with me. i am in a very wintry mood. maybe it's cuz i'm a winter born... but winter had nothing to do with the plot, at least i don't think...

and oh yeah, sade means "ray of light" in finnish