Chapter 8: Forgotten
Friday, June 13th, 2005
I throw open the door.
I charge outside.
I feel the rain…the goddamn rain…hate it…hate myself…hate the monster…
I scream, a horrible roar, piercing the black air around me, feeling raindrops enter my cavern of a mouth. I hear some birds take off from the perches. I scream again, and again, and again, letting out all of my agony, letting out all the confusion, letting out all the knowledge of my act.
Panther tears mix with the rain falling on my face. My breathing grows heavy and ragged. I turn around towards my house. I can see the living room from the front window half-hidden by that huge pachysandra patch out front.
The couch in that room has a huge hole through the back of it. And the remnant halves of the big desk lay slightly apart inches from it. The gap between them looks like a mouth. A mouth that's laughing at me. It's laughing at my pain.
Did I really do all that?
Did I really…try to kill my mother? Have I really lost control of the demon? But how?
I sob harder, and turn around without a backward glance and just start to run across the lawn, not knowing where I'm going other than away. My mother is still lying bleeding in her room. Who knows if she's dead already?
I can feel my will disappearing. The urge to finish it…
I scream again and become more and more conscious of the bloodthirsty panther, that wicked, wicked being living inside my soul, living within my hatred. When have my demon and human bloods ever been in this much strife between each other? The pain and chaos of my soul is the only thing keeping away the panther from my human side…the panther has never been stronger…it's actually beaten my human side…gotta get away before I lose the last of my will…
I just run on foot. I charge out onto Tenth Street, the road in front of my little house and just run.
I have to run away. I am a monster. I'm a monster.
I thought I was a good person. But now, I know the truth.
I'm a monster.
I slip in a puddle and my leg gives out beneath me. I go down and just manage to avoid going headfirst into a puddle of murky water. I scream, out of pain this time, and try to pick myself up, but my twisted ankle doesn't listen to me.
I try to transform back and I can't. I can't. I really have lost all control over it. No…I can't live like this…why did I have to be a half-demon? Why?
But who cares anymore? I'm a killer. What else matters? I thought I knew who I was. But it was all just a front…a weak vision of who I thought I still was. I'm…evil. I deserve a huge punishment…
I gladly find I can run on three of the most able legs in the animal world, and I just run down the middle of the street, a silent phantom beast streaking the empty rural roads, passing the cramped apartments lining the sidewalks. There are no lights lit in the houses; everyone is on vacation. The vacation like the recent one where I went with Mom to meet Margaret. Is anyone else meeting a deranged chiropractor somewhere? Is anyone going to kill their parent after hearing her curse?
Death…kill the first person you see…your duty…to kill…you're a killer…I shake myself mentally and keep running along the road. A right, a left, a right, a left, I need to shake off these thoughts. I need to just leave them behind. I need to know who I am again. I need to know that my purpose is more than just killing. I want that so badly. I hate to wait for the unsolvable answers.
My mother always wanted to know what was wrong. How could I tell her? I don't know what's wrong myself. The unsolvable puzzle is inside, so deep I can't even find it…
After only ten minutes of random zigzagging, I leave Sacramento. I charge out along a fully-fledged highway, along the shoulder, so that none of the few cars can see me. A black beast, I run, and run, and run. I'm not sure why. I've faced so many horrors over my life. Why am I so scared tonight?
Does it really surprise me as to what I've become? Given what I've faced…wasn't I destined to become one of those awful killers? To join them?
I enter into a state of emotional deadness. It all happened. It doesn't matter why or how I felt. It happened. It happened…
Finally, I feel a searing pain in my heart after, I don't know, a full hour more of blind running. My front legs are the first to give out, and I crumble down, hitting my chin hard. My back legs drop down behind me. I just lay on my stomach in the rain that never stops, hiding myself in tears that no longer fall, heart pounding in my ears like a drum, beating out the pattern of my life, my worthless life.
I look around me at the passing cars, seeing through blurry night vision their headlights flashing through the night. Their engines roar past me, always missing me. They are the only light that glows. Not even the stars or the moon will shine at me.
I've made a horrible mistake.
I don't know where I am. I don't know who I am.
And something inside me is…dying. The human half of me is simply evaporating. The demon half is…is fine, whispering words to save me. But I can't be saved.
Is this what dying is for a half-demon? Is it that only the human dies, leaving the demon to roam?
I sigh. How I hope it is. I don't want to live anymore. I've just killed the person dearest to me. I'm lost, tired, hungry, sad…and so very alone.
Please die. Please, please, please die. I don't want to suffer any longer.
I lay for an entire hour, just waiting for something to happen to kill me. I'm dying slowly, but I want it to be quick. The demon keeps whispering about death, and pain, and killing…no. I won't kill! I won't kill anymore! I'LL BE KILLED!
I WANT TO DIE. SOMEONE HEAR ME! I WANT TO DIE!
Finally, a little burst of air comes extremely close to me as a car almost runs me over. What is he doing all the way in the right lane? Was he looking at me? Why couldn't it have hit me and ended this? Goddamn driver.
"Kat?" Asks a voice I kind of recognize from in front of me. He definitely wasn't in front of me before. Did he just teleport? Was that was the wind was?
I don't do anything. I'm so weak. I don't care anymore…God, I hope he has a gun. Shoot me…
"Kat?" The voice is closer, as though the person is bending down. "Are you a bear or a Kat?"
I put my massive paw over the top of my head to cover my ears. He's as loud as the cars going by. And he doesn't even have an engine. My ears are still oversensitive.
Then, whoever-he-is touches me. Just on the paw with a finger or two, as if checking my texture. I snarl and draw back my hand to slash at him, when all of a sudden with my paw drawn back, my demon power vanishes. Just like that. I'm…me again.
Kill him…kill him…kill him…I feel a blanket being thrown on top of me as soon as that happens. I huddle under it, seeking protection from the rain.
The cloak smells like…spices. They smell good.
Focusing on the aroma, I refuse to look up at the person. I'll have to kill him if I see him.
"Well, at least I know it's you." He says. "What happened? Did you have a fight?"
"…Go…away…" My god, I want to die.
"What?" Hm. He's speaking in Japanese.
I quickly convert my tongue. "Stay away from me. I'm a monster. A MONSTER!"
"We all knew that." Where have I heard that voice before? "Why don't you look at me?"
"Kurama…why are you here…?" That was his name. It just came to me all of a sudden.
"I can tell you later. Did you fight with a demon?"
"I…am…the demon…I AM A FUCKING DEMON!" I scream at the top of my lungs.
"What? Speak up." Oh, sarcasm. "I'm not going to take off that cloak myself. It's your only clothing. Look at me instead."
I shake my head, but at the same time, peel away the cloak from my face and look up at him anyway. With the passing headlights, I can see his profile…long mangy hair and long legs as well as tight clothes. It's Kurama, all right.
"Good girl." His shadowed eyes suddenly glow a brilliant green, illuminating his whole face, and I discover that I can't look away. I try with every fiber of my being but in the end I simply have no strength to fight it. "Enma, I'm calling you." He whispers, into something he's holding in his hand, and two seconds later, the shadowy highway is no more.
Kill him…KILL HIM!In a second, I painfully realize exactly what's happened. We're being transported. We're going through some sort of wormhole, during which my mass gets stretched about twenty different ways all at once. I scream, "AGH!" and the sound is lost down the giant twisting brilliantly green tunnel. My eyes are still locked on Kurama's, unable to look elsewhere. What's happening? What's happened? "AGH!" Still, I can imagine in my mind the scream, but it is swallowed up in time itself.
Finally, almost before I'm ready, we're ejected headfirst onto a cold stone floor. I breathe for a second, and then, I hear the wicked voice in my head louder than ever…
KILL…KILL…KILL…KILL…KILL!My human dies, right there. My human gives up. And the demon lives.
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I blink my eyes slowly, but my eyes can't see. I can only feel that I'm laying on a bed. But I was just conscious two minutes ago, right? Right? So, why am I in a strange bed? Surely I would know if I was conscious before, right? So, what's the deal here? I was NOT on a bed before, right? No, I landed on the floor…right? Then why am I here? I mean, I was just awake, right? Right? Why don't I know? Did I black out? Am I okay? Am I dead? Did something happen to make me die? Is that why I'm so confused now? Is that the reason that I'm so offbeat?
SHUT UP. I stop the stream of half-formed ideas. Focus on opening the eyes. Now, how do I open my eyes again? How indeed…
I slowly pass my mind to all parts of my body. Hm…okay there…okay there…hey, I feel something on my back. Ten little spots of cold lining my spine…no, they're in a circle…two circles…fingertips, maybe? Hm…this must be investigated further…
"She's okay now, master." Says a small voice. "She should be calm again…"
"So it was a success?" Says a fruity voice. I don't know how else to describe it other than fruity.
The pinpricks of cold point circles leave my back, and I twitch my body a little bit, testing everything out. I can't find any spots of pain…but my head feels very funny. I move my hands around like I'm doing an Egyptian dance, and then I push my eyelids open with my fingers. Wow, my hands are really cold.
"Good to see you, Katrina!" A baby clothed in blue says to me.
I gasp at this horrible freak of nature. A BABY IS TALKING TO ME. HOW VERY ODD. "…AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I scream, and writhe violently on the bed. "AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I can't shut my eyes. Too much is different.
'It' jumps backwards and steps on someone's foot. A very tall someone. He has very long red hair. Interesting. I…think he's a guy. Or is he? I mean, he's wearing a pink suit…who is that? I am having some serious de-ja-vu…
"She is okay!" A hand is extended down to me and I ignore it, pushing myself up on my own into a sitting position on the comfy white bed. Then I find the strength to stand up, just a little wobbly. I almost let go of a black cloak I have tightly pinched around my body.
Oh my god, I have no clothes. Did they undress me?
Was I slipped a designer drug? Have I been raped?
I look around me. In this blue room with pandas adorning the walls and a large roll-top desk (I've been here before, right?), there stand 4 people. I try to avoid their eyes as I study them. One, a pretty girl with dark eyes and aqua hair dressed a purple old-fashioned kimono, flinches when I look at her (she has a pretty big slash on her kimono), while a brown-haired Japanese regards me kindly from the front. She wears an orange and red uniform, kind of like a sailor suit, which seems familiar for some reason. In the back, the red-haired man smiles at me. And…I can't bring myself to even look at the baby. He's just sucking his pacifier, looking perfectly at peace. Does he not realize the aura of scariness that surrounds his infantile form?
Hm…probably not here to rape me. In a room with panda wallpaper, that sort of thing just doesn't fly. I'm almost sure. But who undressed me? No…wait…didn't I have this cloak before? It smells like herbs and foreign spices, like what happens when you walk in a Chinese restaurant. That kind of very good, comforting scent. Yes…yes, I had this before…
I turn my attention back to The People. They seem so familiar…but I can't be sure. I suddenly flip out. I can either cry or flip out, and I think I'll go with the dignified approach. "Get away from me!" I squeak. So much for flipping out. I'm too scared. Too save what's left of my face, I compromise. I start sobbing while screaming. "WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHO ARE YOU?…Let me go…let me go let me go let me go…"
The baby seems unaware of what to say, so…what was that redhead's name? I've seen him before, I just know it! Anyway, what's-his-name picks up the slack. "Don't be afraid. We are not here to harm you. We come in peace, and only want to help you. I am Kurama. The kid in front of you is our leader, Koenma. Yukina is the healer. Keiko is your best friend."
I blink. Slowly, information trickles into my head. Yes…I remember these people…no, no I don't. I don't. No…the sakura tree…talking to Keiko…and the baby…giving me an order, feeling sick to my stomach about that order…is this a dream?
"Feeling better?" Kurama asks kindly.
I stare at each of them in turn. "Why…why do I feel so funny?" Why don't I…remember you?
"Oh, well, that's hardly a greeting, is it? I would have thought you'd be happy to see us." Kurama says.
I look at the floor, slightly dizzy. "Why do I feel funny?" I repeat. "Who are you?"
"Let's not jump right into things." 'Koenma' says quickly. Kurama turns me back around. I glare at them all, and I pinch the cloak tighter around my body. "Just…just think about…what you can remember. Because, depending on what you can recall, will change the way we deal with you."
What? Not knowing what they're expecting me to remember, I study the room some more instead. Wait a minute. It was mine for a while, wasn't it? Yes, YES! It still has the three beds in it for this Keiko girl and I. There's also another bed that doesn't ring any bells at all. Unlike the other memories, this one is completely gone. The room has a large roll top desk, and the panda design on the walls. "This was my room!" I say, shocked. "But why am I here again? What happened?"
Koenma suddenly takes my hand and while Kurama pushes, Koenma pulls, and together they heave me back onto the bed. I jump and spring right back up only to get shoved back down again. Still reeling from a mental shock and a feeling that something is missing in my mind, I say, "What happened? Why do I have to stay on the bed? Tell me! I have to know! Why am I here? What's wrong with me? Am I sick? Do I have some horrible disease that's going to make my brain melt and my spleen explode? Am I going to be okay?"
Kurama blinks, looking a bit surprised. "Do you really want to know this so fast? I was thinking that maybe—"
"YES I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT THIS FAST! OH MY GOD, IT'S TRUE! I HAD NO IDEA I WAS GOING TO MELT! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?…THIS IS A HOSPITAL, ISN'T IT? THAT THING ON THE GROUND IS A FETUS YOU BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE AND KURAMA IS A DOCTOR AND YUKINA IS A NURSE!"
Kurama sighs, but Koenma interrupts him before he starts. "Sit down first. Then we'll tell you all about this illness."
Wait, why am I getting so worked up again? What is wrong with my head? My emotions…they're detached…
Keiko, although looking a bit hesitant, sits beside me. I ignore her, and stare down at the thing called Koenma, who withers under my penetrating gaze.
"Why am I here? Why am I having a brain seizure?"
"Well…"
"Get on with it." I've never felt so urgent in my life. "I want to live! I don't want to die! I WANT TO LIVE!"
For some reason, Keiko smiles really broadly when I say I want to live. Whatever. Koenma sighs. "Okay. I am God, Yukina heals us, Kurama leads us, and Keiko is your best friend."
"…Huh?"
"You're here because you are officially part of a team. See, you were an orphan and we got you off the streets of Sacramento, California, and we decided that we could really use your help. So, now, you're stuck here with us. We're going to train you to work for us and we'll be the home you never had. Kapeesh?"
"…IT IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT KAPEESH! LET ME OUT OF HERE!"
"Darling, you're home. You don't have a choice. This is as kapeesh as it's getting."
Random Narrator: And with that, Yukina pulled out a shot and, in a flash, tranquilized the poor girl.
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Koenma POV:
"So, it really was successful, Yukina?" Keiko asks worriedly.
"When we get further down the hall." I warn her. "We don't want her to overhear. Anyway, I want you to stay with her. Make sure she stays sleeping."
Keiko sighs and turns around. "This is not going to be fun."
I ignore her as she leaves and I float down the hall next to Yukina and Kurama. After about 5 minutes of hallways and staircases, we turn into an empty room and just stand in the center of it. I shut the door behind us and then ask, "Well? Everything okay with Kat now?"
Yukina nods. "I think I overdid it a little, though."
"I could see that." Kurama states flatly. "She doesn't remember anything. Nothing about us at all."
"Well, I prefer the Kat we have right now to the one of two minutes ago. She was screaming so loudly I couldn't figure out what she was trying to say, could you? Something about her dying, or someone dying, or—"
"I'm sure it's nothing big." Kurama says. "I mean, she's freaked out before when she was under a lot of stress. She's spastic by nature."
"Never…never like that though. I've never in my life seen anyone that mad, other than Yusuke, maybe, on his bad days. It was…" Yukina rubs her arm where Katrina slashed her. I sigh, and put my hand to the cut. I let out my power, healing the small scrape in seconds. She nods at me in thanks. "…Horrifying…"
"When are we going to tell Hiei and Yusuke and Kuwabara and even Katrina?" Kurama asks. "In all honesty, I think they ought to know."
"Katrina, if she ever warms up to us, we'll let her know why she can't remember anything about her past, although Botan will probably tell her all about it anyway and kill her with the shock. Hiei, definitely not. That's an order. None of you tell him. Kuwabara and Yusuke don't have very much direct involvement in this case. Besides, Kuwabara's such a bonehead he'd probably remind her of all the things we just erased because he's a bonehead. Yusuke will probably have the same issue. I don't think there's any point in telling them. They're going to be in the human world awhile anyway."
"So, no one? Other than Botan?"
"Definitely Botan. The greatest expert on memory suppression we know."
"Let's find her now, then. I can see we're going to have just as many problems with Katrina, if not more, than when we first met her."
"Why's that? If anything, she'll be easier—"
"Kurama, how would you like it if some random people stuck a needle into your left buttock?"
"Ah…"
"New rule. Anyone that lets her know we stuck her with a shot dies."
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Author's Note: All right, well, this is officially the end of angst. Next chap will be better.