Chapter 13: MASTERING the Kimono

Saturday, June 14th, 2005

It seems that I've gone back on my pledge to stay quiet. "LET ME OUT OF HERE! LET ME OUT! I AM NOT GOING TO GO SLEEP, YOU GODDAMN BITCHY FREAK! LET ME OUT WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE CHANCE! ALL RIGHT, I'VE BEEN NICE! I'M GOING TO TEAR THIS DOOR DOWN RIGHT NOW! AND THEN YOU'LL ALL PAY! I WILL DEFEAT YOU ALL REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT I'M WEARING A DRESS! I KNOW YOU ALL DON'T THINK I CAN, BUT I AM MUCH MORE THAN WHAT I APPEAR TO BE RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT! SOMEONE HELP ME OUT OF THIS THING! I HATE WEARING 6 SEPARATE ROBES! IT'S NOT FAIR TO ME TO MAKE ME WEAR THIS! IT'S—NOT—FAIR! ALL RIGHT, FINE. THE DOOR IS GOING DOWN! IF THIS IS THE WAY IT IS, THAT'S WHAT GOING TO—"

"You know, I really don't care whether or not you like the kimono." A girl's voice sounds through the door. "God, Katrina, I didn't really leave you…this is just my revenge. Let me savor it."

"REVENGE! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU'RE GETTING REVENGE BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO WEAR A STUPID GOWN? WHAT A PETTY, CRUEL WAY TO DO IT!"

I wait and she says nothing, which makes me even madder.

"YOU ARE A FREAKING BLOWFISH! YOU LOOK SO CUTE AND SWEET AND ROUND AND THEN YOU JUST BLOW UP AND SHOOT PINS EVERYWHERE! IT'S SO RUDE!"

"My definition of rude is blowing up and then accusing someone else of being a bitch."

I hammer on the door some more. "OPEN THIS DOOR OR I'LL BREAK IT DOWN!"

"You've said that several times now, and it seems to be holding rather well."

"LET ME OUT OF HERE! OPEN UP! THIS IS NOT FAIR! NOT FAIR! GODDAMN BLOWFISH!"

The door creak open, and Keiko peers in at me. I stop hammering and just pant at her, glaring daggers.

"All right. This goldfish—"

"BLOWFISH!" I scream in her face, blowing back her bangs.

She doesn't even flinch. "This blowfish is so incredibly scared of your door-breaking ability that she's decided to let you out before you hurt yourself."

"As it should be!" I sniff at her. "I was waiting for you to arrive at that conclusion. Wait a minute…" She snorts, hiding a laugh. I glare at her in return, and begin to walk past her with my nose in the air, to make a dramatic exit. But I guess I forgot I was in a kimono. I don't take even a half step before I trip over the hem and almost fall. I reflexively grab Keiko's shoulder and manage not to make a complete fool of myself.

I push myself off her and steady myself, and look at my feet as though inspecting for hem damage. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her smirking.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"WHAT? You think it's funny?"

"Now that you mention it, yes."

"Well, it's not! I just need a little practice."

"A few months at least. Katrina, I can't believe you're missing the real reason you're in a kimono. You're so slow. And you were so cool before…"

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, part of its purpose is to prevent Hiei from seeing the wound, like I said. But a very big part of it is so that you can't run away."

My mouth falls open. "Why…why didn't I think of that? That's why I couldn't wear a sweatshirt or jeans…because I could move in them…and you only decided on the kimono after I said I was going to run…"

I lunge for her and trip again, hitting my forehead on the wall and remaining at a 45 degree angle to the floor. "Ow…"

"And you can't take it off, either." She smiles. "This will simplify things, won't it? You won't be inclined to hurt anyone or get outside, and you'll attract so many guys in that thing. It's the perfect trade-off."

"Who do you think you are, doing this to me?"

"I'm me."

I stare at her in shock, not sure what to say.

"Look, it's only temporary. Like Botan said, it's a trial. Now, you're completely helpless, wouldn't you say?"

"…"

"I thought so. So, now you can see how we really feel about you. If we wanted to hurt you, I could kill you right now."

"…"

"SHE'S RIGHT!" A voice screams in an all-too-familiar perky way. Botan rushes up out of nowhere on her paddle, and whams Keiko with the flat end out of the way. She pushes me with the round end backwards and I scream, unable to keep balance in this thing. I end up with my torso falling onto the bed behind me and Botan zooming in. She makes her paddle disappear over the next bed over and she flumps down happily. The door slams shut behind her with a bang. I hear someone stomping down the hall. Man, Keiko is getting shoved a lot today, isn't she?

Botan moves her had really, really close to mine. "HIEI STATS!" She yells. I blink and wipe spit from my cheek, and she giggles as though it's funny.

"Why don't you go crawl under a rock?"

"THAT WOULDN'T BE FUN! I'M YOUR TOUR GUIDE, REMEMBER? I TELL YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYONE!"

"Too bad you don't come with a volume control…"

"SOLD SEPARATELY!" She screams, and laughs at her own joke. She sighs. "Okay, okay, I'll be quieter. But remember how we said that you've aroused Hiei's suspicion and he's going to do anything in his power to find out what's different about you?"

"No, but okay…"

"Well, here it is, the stuff to let you know how to answer—"

"WAIT. No, seriously. Why don't we just tell Hiei? That way you can…go be perky…in a ditch somewhere…"

"Oh, hush! Heheheh. What you need to know is that Hiei is your unofficial boyfriend. You two met each other and t'was love at first—"

"AND?"

"Hahahahaha! Sorry. Well, Hiei is a fire demon and his secondary gift is also speed."

"Wait, what? What about demons again?"

"I thought I explained this, Kat! There is a human world, a spirit world, and a demon world…I am a spirit, Kurama, Hiei, and Yukina are demons, Koenma is the son of Enma, aka God, and you are a human slash—never mind, never mind. Do you understand?"

"Who could possibly understand that?"

"Oh, it doesn't even matter. Repeat: Hiei is a fire demon."

"Hiei is a fire demon."

"Good. And he harbors a hatred towards humans like yourself, he's often very heartless, he likes to kill things, he's overly suspicious of everyone, and he never smiles."

"WELL, that just embodies everything I look for in a boyfriend!"

"Haha, well, you changed him a little bit, and as soon as you left, he reverted back to his usual cranky self. He's been killing a lot more too."

"…So this guy likes murder and he hates humans like me. Do I see an issue in this relationship?"

She ignores me totally, blathering on. "Hiei is simply an unstoppable force of nature. He's nearly 17, he's completely hooked on strawberry ice cream, and—"

"He wants me dead and he likes ice cream."

"He doesn't want you dead! He's only bothering you because he wonders why you don't like being bothered by him anymore."

(Funny look).

"Hiei is pretty clever, Katrina. He's suspicious and is going to try to get out your secret. He's so nosy, that boy. But he's cute." She claps me on the shoulder. "Good going!"

"So, in other words, because he's cute, I should be perfectly okay with this."

"…Uh huh! That's a good way of putting it!"

"Oh my god, I'm going to go nuts…"

"Oh, come on, keep the secret. Listen, Hiei wouldn't understand why you needed to forget. The poor thing has so many bad memories of his own he won't understand why you needed to forget yours. Hiei is sort of a lost cause already. So, we're sparing him the trouble of it all."

"I still don't understand how lying will help…" I sigh, and look at my hands. "What else haven't you told me?"

Botan sighs, the happy light gone from her eyes. "Look, bonehead, I already told you, I'll tell you what you need to know."

"I need to know this."

"No, you really don't. You won't understand because you don't remember what he's like."

"Just tell me. Otherwise, I have no reason to go along with this."

She seems to restrain herself. "Last I checked, you didn't have a choice. Just act like you know him. It's for the good of you and us."

"But—?"

"NO! NOOOOOOOOOO! NO MORE DAMN QUESTIONS! I'VE TOLD YOU SO MUCH MORE THAN I'M PERMITTED TO TELL YOU ALREADY AND IT'S YOUR FIRST DAY HERE! OH, WHY CAN'T I KEEP A SECRET?"

I inch away from her slowly. "Botan?"

"Yes?"

"Just shut up."

"Okay!"

I try to get off the bed to leave, and end up rolling right off in the kimono. Regaining her normal manner, Botan laughs, flies over top of me, and looks down, pointing her finger and laughing some more. I glare at her as I sit up. I use the comforter to pull myself up the whole way, and I sway even when I'm perfectly upright. Botan continues to laugh. I grab the lamp to throw at her head, and then I think of a better idea. I jump onto the bed and drag my body across, giving up on trying to move the regular way. I propel myself across like a bullet and just manage to grab the end of her kimono. I yank on it, and she shrieks and darts away, but my grip is so strong that she drags me with her. When I do let go, the built up strength makes her ram backwards into the white wall behind her.

I couldn't have planned it better. The paddle slams into the wall, making her entire head ram backwards into it. I hear a thud as she slides down the wall.

I smirk and crawl over to her, across the beds. I peer my head just over at her half-hidden form.

"Would this be a bad time to tell you that you left two huge dents in the wall?"

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" She shrieks, managing to get up with ease. God, I hoped she'd at least be hurt a little. "WHAT?"

"Don't laugh like that at me!"

She sends me a penetrating stare. "But it was funny. You looked like some kind of purple package."

"All right, I get it."

"A great, straight, jelly-doughnut."

"I said I get it."

"Or maybe just a roll of useless fabric…"

"YOU'RE RIGHT! I'M JUST TALENTED! LET ME SHOW YOU AGAIN!"

"What? Oh no, no, don't you—AGH!" She screams as I roll off the bed and land on top of her legs and she goes falling over, hitting her head in the wall again.

"A CLEAN HIT!" I yell at her.

"GET OFF, FREAK!"

"SHUT UP!"

"GET OFF!"

"TEACH ME HOW TO WALK IN A KIMONO AND I WILL!"

"NO!"

"SUFFOCATION OR A SIMPLE LESSON! BUT, IF YOU INSIST…"

"FINE!"

I roll off her, and she, less successfully this time, gets up. I use the bed to climb to my feet again.

She glares at me, her blue hair a great frazzled mess, with fire in her eyes like none I've never seen there before. Then she sighs, and her bad mood starts ebbing away just like that. "I shouldn't have laughed. But wasn't that a bit violent?"

"As a matter of fact—"

She huffs at me. "Well, here we go…ow…" She rubs the back of her head gingerly. "Ow…well, to walk in a kimono, you must take very tiny baby steps. Like so." She lifts the hem of her kimono and demonstrates before my eyes how little these baby steps must be. I stare.

"But you cover about an inch every three minutes with those."

"I guess Keiko told you that was the purpose." She smirks.

"You know, that was a horrible thing to do."

"I know. If you try to take big steps, you risk smashing your nose clear off your face."

I give up right then and there. "But I had already decided to stay! I could have run and instead went for breakfast! It took me a whole 20 minutes to get through that battle, and now it's fucking already been decided for me."

She looks at me in a sympathetic way, and then grins. "Well, we've reinforced your decision, then! Come on, follow me out the door."

"Out the door?"

"It's the best way to learn, being thrown into the deep end. Come on, follow me. Let's see if you can make it to the dining hall. I simply must show you off to them. Let's go, then. To walk, you must take the end of your kimono—no, the other side—yes, that's it. That's how you don't trip over it. NO, don't let it drag! There, there, that's good form right there—"

"Why can't I have a paddle like you?"

"Because you aren't a spirit guide."

"What do I have to do for the job?"

"Become a spirit, which you aren't and can never be. So shut up. Now, do it just like you were doing it—no—no—yes, like that, very good. Now, take dainty little steps, now…"

Trying very much to act like a cement statue on wheels, I travel after her with little tiny steps like she instructed. And…I'm moving! Well, because of the baby steps, I'm moving as though walking on a tightrope, straight-backed and even, but I'm moving nonetheless. "Botan, it's working!"

"It sure is!"

And then, naturally, the Katrina-Clumsiness returns. Just when my self-esteem can go no higher, I trip and just manage to catch myself on the way out the door, with my nose an inch away from the door frame. I steady myself again and hastily follow her out.

"And don't cheat. Don't hang onto the wall. You're going to have to learn to walk fine on your own, like I do."

As if to prove a point, she trips and in a second is spread-eagled on the ground in front of me. I totter towards her.

"Wow, you're an awesome sempai. You've inspired me." I pretend to fall on her.

"DON'T!" She yells.

I giggle at her in the really annoying way she laughed at me when I rolled off the bed. "Sweet vengeance."

"I said I was sorry!" She says, brushing herself off.

"And it wasn't enough. Go on."

She huffs, with a little more anger than usual, and walks behind me for the rest of the trek, and punishes me thoroughly.

"NO! No I told you no hanging onto the wall! And don't imitate me like that! This is for your own good! NO! I keep telling you, hold the LEFT hem up, not the RIGHT, the left. THE LEFT! God, no one ever had much trouble as you do in a kimono! Even I'm not that clumsy! Come on, pick yourself up. Oh my goodness, is that a scrape? Oh, no, good. Well, continue onward! FORWARD MARCH! HUP 2 3 4 HUP 2 3 4 HUP 2 3 4 HUP 2 3 4! Let's get it moving! Go on, go on! Let's get this started!"

Imagine 20 minutes straight of this. I don't think I have to go any further.

Finally, I can see the rainbow door to the kitchen on my left! Yes! Oh, thank you God, I knew you wouldn't fail me…

"NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! Really, now! I know you can do better than this! I remember you with Genkai, and most people can master walking much faster than 12 types of martial arts! Work for it, figure it out, I'm not going to say this again!"

"I bet." I mutter.

"What was that? Such sass! STOP FALLING! GET UP! You want to learn? Well, you're learning from the greatest sensei in kimono wearing here, that always –WHUMP– ow…that always carries herself in the proper traditional way! You should too! WOOT! GO KATRINA! YOU'RE FINALLY GETTING IT, LITTLE BY LITTLE—DAMN IT, THE LEFT HEM, NOT THE RIGHT!"

I swivel on my wooden shoes to the left and push open the bright doors. I am once again greeted by bright light, and when my eyes get used to it…

Yes, there's Hiei, Kurama, Botan, Keiko, and Yukina, all arranged there in the way that they were when I left. (Although Keiko has reclaimed her seat from Hiei). They see me in the doorway, Botan right behind me.

My eyes travel at once to Hiei, who's looking pretty surprised. Kurama looks like he's about to laugh, Keiko looks indifferent, Yukina looks interested, and Koenma…well, I can't read the expression of a baby.

I smile at them all nervously, giving an extra big one to Hiei, take one step into the room, and what do you know, I hold the hem on the right side. The ground rushes up to meet me, and when I hit, my brain yells at me and shuts down in retaliation. If you can't fucking stand up then you're not going to be conscious! Hah!

Wow. My own brain is conspiring against me. What else could possibly go wrong? Oh no, I jinxed it! I have to knock on wood now! Oh, there…there's wood right there on the floor…haha…

5555555555555555

Author's Note: Bad place to cut it off, but I got some complaints that it was too long, so I've decided to keep all my chapters within a 5-page limit. And since this is her first day here, Saturday the 14th, it's going to spawn many chapters, okay?