Resident Evil G1
(Disclaimer: I don't own the Resident Evil movie, or anything from capcom, or anything else associated with the official Resident Evil names. I also don't own any thing or idea Crystarr's. He just happens to be the person who gave me an inspiration to work this off of. :) )
This is my first try at a humorus fan fiction. It will probably suck balls, but oh well. I'm gonna try it anyhow, but don't expect stuff too detailed. This is not after a game, but actually after the movie. There lacks a catagory for the movie though, so what can I do? Please read and review.
Chapter 1
"At the beginning of the twenty-first century, the Umbrella Corporation had become the largest commercial enterprise in the United States. 9 out of 10 homes contain its products. Its political and financial influence is felt everywhere. In the public, it is the world's leading supplier o-"
"Oh do shut the hell up please?"
But I'm just giving them the introduc-
"I'm pretty sure that everyone knows the stupid story. It's a famous movie you stupid ass."
Actually you're in a fan fiction.
"What? Fan fiction? Aw shit."
Yes! I am god! Obey me!
"Fuck you."
Suddenly the guy speaking from the hazmat suit that we all know isn't Spencer Parks is now wearing a bakini and a sombrero.
"Okay, that's bullshit. You gotboth of thosefrom that LoK fan fiction from that Crystarr dude."
Hey, it worked didn't it?
"Whatever, just change me back so I can steal the damn virus already and get this story on the way. Hey! By the way, can you not make me die in this one?"
Whistling casually
"Aw you ass. That's not fair.
Get into the damn story before I get a pineapple and stick it up your ass sideways.
He quickly turns around and is back in his hazmat suit, and the man starts working with the mechanical arms to put the T-virus and the anti-virus in the small metal briefcase. After putting all of them in but one, which is stuck in a malfunctioning arm.
"Son of a bitch. Now I gotta pry it out."
He opens the panel, and pulls at the vial. The robot arm pulls on it back.
"Hey! Give it to me asshole!"
The man who isn't Spence Parks swings his free left hand and hits the robotic arm. The robot in turn swings it's other arm and smashes him on the head, knocking him on his ass.
"Aw dammit!" the man that isn't Spence gets up and pulls with both hands, both robotic arms hold on tight to it, whenhazman points to the back of the container, "Hey look! There's C-3PO stealing your wife!"
The robotic arms turn and look towards the back, dropping the virus down. Spence quickly dives and catches it, then he pulls both it and the suitcase out of the small containment area.
"Muwahahaha! I am victorious!"
He then sets the spare vial of the virus on the table nearby, and checks to make sure the suitcase is in tact. Unfortunately, in his inspection he forgot about the one he set on the table. So when he stood up and turned with the suitcase in his hand, it swung backward and smashed the vial onto the floor in the far corner.
"Oh FUCK! I didn't do it!"
The man, now magically out of his hazmat suit (instant dissolving clothes I guess), runs and pulls at the door, slamming it shut behind him. Meanwhile the small computerized camera in the room looked at the broken vial, and Red Queen started thinking of ideas.
"Hmm...lemme see. There's about two choices. A: I can stop Spencer now, seal him off in the labs, call the Umbrella squad to arrest him, and finally shut off the air conditioning to the lab area so the virus won't escape. Or B: I can let it escape, and then I can kill everyone down here and seal the hive off, which will make an Umbrella squad come to shut me down, which will result in all creatures being released and eventually the destruction of Raccoon city will come. Yea, Option B sounds fun."
Red Queen at that time sounded the fire alarm to make everyone think it's calm for a fire drill and all, then she sealed off some glass doors and stopped some elevators and more stuff that I don't care to type...
In the halls, the man in the tie who doesn't really isn't important enough to name in this fan fiction walked towards the elevator with his open cup of coffee, when suddenly a man who is unidentified and not Spencer Parks smashes into him, and walks right buy. The man in the mean time with the coffee cup is now covered in his drink.
"AHH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! IT-"
He's then doused by a gatorade bucket, and some football players set it down.
"Whoops. You're not the coach. Hey! Where's the game?"
They run off and tackle arandom scientist down the hall, but the man with the coffee pays no attention to it. At least he's cooled off now. He steps up the to the elevator and waits next to the woman.
"Some people eh?"
"Yeah."
"What? Oh sorry, I was talking on my cell phone."
She puts the cell phone away, (how she used it in the hive is beyond me), and looks to him.
"Hm, the author seems to really like thieving things from Crystarr. It's only because he sucks at humor himself."
Time freezes and the man is hovering over a pit of zombies with a disembodied hand holding him up.
What was that now?
"Uhh, I said, your story is good."
That's better.
Time turns back to normal and the guy is where he was before.
"Hi. Anyhow, yeah, lets go in this elevator now that is completely safe."
They walked into the elevator and stood with a bunch of random people for awhile until a fire alarm sounded.
"Oh god! Russia's attacking us! We're gonna fucking die!" says panicy-wuss man.
"It's the fire alarm..."
"Oh. I knew that."
They waited some more...and some more...and some more.
"Hey, when are the fucking doors gonna open?" said the panicy man, "I'm missing Oprah. It's a new episode, where they're talking about powerful corporations who are willing to sacrifice a city and their own employees for money."
"The doors should take us to the nearest floor. Hey? You hear that?"
Everyone put their ears up to the wall of the elevator and listened.
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WOOHOOOOO- crash!
"Oh shit," said panic man, "I hate roller coasters."
Right about then the elevator brakes let lose and the elevator plummeted a ways down with the screaming people inside, until it came to a stop magically about a quarter way up from an elevator door.
"Uhh? What happened?" asked the woman, "Hey! What is that smell."
The panicy man stood up from the corner and away from his puke puddle.
"Sorry. Roller Coasters scare me."
"That's fucking gross. Now, would you mind helping me with this door so we don't plummet and die?"
The man and woman and a couple others pulled at the elevator doors with sudden muscle man strength, and looked down through the opening to see a sealed room with a bunch of dead people in it.
"Aw damn," said the panic man, "I was gonna get laid with that woman tonight."
"Hey! Move over," said the woman,"I'm gonna try to squeeze through this hole that's only about the size of a fourth of my body."
The woman started to climb through the hole when the rattling sound was heard.
"Hey! Who's banging on the metal in there?"
"No one. That's only the sound of the breaks about to give away," said some random guy.
"Oh okay."
She continued to attempt to climb out, but then the brakes gave out and the elevator plummeted, stopping right before her head was smashed off.
"Dammit! My beautiful face was almost smashed in. Fucking Red Queen bitch."
"Oh a bitch am I?" said Red Queen in her creepy British accent.
The elevator shot upward and smashed into the lady's head, which oddly enough did not decapitate her, but acted as a barrier to keep the elevator from going up more.
"Ow! That fucking hurt you whore!" She said, holding her head.
Red Queen brought the elevator down and continued bashing it until her head came off, and instead of blood spraying everywhere there are electrical wires sparking from her neck.
"Bitch! Now look what the fuck you've done! It's gonna take weeks to get this fixed!"
Red Queen then shot out of her little camera thingy, somehow gaining a physical form, and picked up the head.
"And she goes for the kickoff!" she yelled as she punted the her back into the elevator shaft, and listening as it tumbled down.
"SLUUUUUUUUTTTTTT!"
"BITCH!" Red Queen yelled back before jumping in her camera and reminding herself to kill anymore competative cyborgs around first.
At another part of the Hive, everyone was sealed in a glass room that was some type of office area. One woman walked up to the doors and looked at them.
"Hey! They're locked. Aren't they supposed to like, open or something?"
"Naw, I think we're just trapped in her. Hey! Anyone want to play a game of Resident Evil while we wait to die?" said another random man.
"How do you know we're gonna die?"
"Just a guess."
Right about then the room started to fill with smoke, and the people inside started stumbling around and giving each other hugs and kisses.
"I love you man!"
"Whoo! That's some good shit!"
"I can hear the ocean!"
"singing Sweet home Alabama!"
Red Queen checked the gas containers and realized that she had released marijuana smoke instead. Moaning a bit in annoyance, she sucked all that back up, and released the oxygen depriving gas and killed everybody.
In the lab where the hazmat man was, there were three people now when the sprinklers went off.
"Hey! There's no fire here! What the hell's going on?" said the woman.
She didn't get a response though, because both of the men in the room were staring at her wet T-shirt now. Her eyes narrowed, and she jumped up and gave them both a spinning kick to the head, knocking them down.
"Get your head outta your asses. One of you open the god damn door."
They both climbed up and the man with hair went to the door.
"Oh shit! The door won't open! We're gonna fucking drown in here."
"What? You forgot it didn't you?"
"I put it somewhere where I should know," he said, ignoring the writing on the piece of paper behind him on the panel that said 'the code is 321'
"Oh fuck the doors!" said the bald man.
Bald man then pulled out an axe from a nearby fire box, and he charged the large glass window, and upon contact the axe bounced backwards out of the bald man's hands and lobbed of the head of the other guy near the door.
"Hmm, no wonder he wasn't seen in here later in the movie as a zombie."
The guy then reaches in a chest and pulls out an M16 assault rifle, pulling the trigger and letting the gun go on full auto. There is a click, and the guy throws down the gun and looks at the glass, seeing that it looks like it was polished and brand new, the guns not doing anything. The guy pulled out a shotgun next and got up to the glass, firing all rounds at it, and still the glass was shiny. He then pulled out a rocket launcher and fired it off, which exploded a chip of glass shoot out in the other hallway.
"Hmm, that bites," said the woman, "Oh well. Yes! I get to bite Spencer! WOOHOO!"
Then thetwo drowned and died, and everyone in the hive was dead, including the cute little doggies and their keeper. Red Queen, being successful with this, opened up a web browser and started playing chess online.
"Aw you mother fucker! You took my queen!...Ha! I take your rook bitch!"
Go fuck an egg whore.
"Hey! You can't play! You're not even supposed to be in this fan fiction! You're the writer!"
Must I make an example of you like I did the-
"Wait wait! Umm...just take your damn turn already."
...Checkmate!
"Bastard."