Chapter 11: Tapes, Talk & Rhyming Slang

"Hello, anyone home?" Marcus' mum Liz spoke as he appeared from around the kitchen corner.

"Mum! You're back!" Marcus replied; giving his mother a huge welcoming hug with both arms. "Glad you're back. How'd the trip go!"

"Oh you know; the usual. How was the trip to Colorado!"

"Brilliant; couldn't have gone any better. It was great to be in a different country for a change where the environment was different."

"So…errrrr……are the boys here?" Liz asked in a slightly deeper tone of voice.

"Yeh, they're just outside in the pool."

"And they haven't found out anything about the mission correct?"

"No Mum, they haven't found out anything about the mission." Marcus embarrassingly and slightly sarcastically replied.

"I'm sorry I'm asking you a lot about this Marcus, but I just don't want you to suffer and get pressurized by all this, you're my son. Please don't think I'm trying to annoy you about it all."

Marcus smiled back at his mum. "Yeh I know, I understand. It's just…….well……sometimes…I keep having these…visions and feelings that something might go wrong."

"And that's what a pessimistic person thinks. And you're not pessimistic are you son?" Liz spoke in a kind but motherly fashion

"No mum, I'm not. Anyway, tea's nearly ready. You were right bang on time in getting here."

Marcus walked out of the kitchen and into the garden.

"OY, GUYS!" Marcus shouted as e watched Cartman ridiculously slip off the diving board and into the water. "It's nearly ready so why don't yer' go and grab a towel and get yourselves dried off and changed."

He walked back inside and into the dining room where his mum had already started to set the table.

"I suppose he's not going to be back tonight right?" Marcus spoke; leaning against the dining table with his arms firmly crossed.

"Who?" His mother quickly asked.

"You know who?"

"Oh you mean your dad."

"STEP….dad more like."

"Yes, he's going to be away for at least another week. You know his business; always coming and going."

"Y'know, I'm starting to think he cares more about his bloody job rather than you, if not both of us."

"What are you talking about Marcus? He bought you that £20,000 music studio you have in the basement. You were over the moon at the sight of that."

"Yeh, but he only bought that coz' he knows that would have been the biggest distraction away from what I really want; for him to be just like dad. Why can't he just put me first and act like a proper dad to me?" A tear appeared in Marcus' eye.

"Oh Marcus, I know all this is hard for you. But I swear things WILL get better."

Marcus took a deep breath. "It's just……it's just every time I look at those four boys, I'm constantly reminded of all the lies and all the secrets I have to bottle up inside. Why couldn't I just live a normal life like they do? Why couldn't I just be Marcus Kane-Bridge; a normal and happy guy who just lives his life day in day out?"

Liz came up to Marcus and placed her arms around him to comfort him; just like she always did when he was younger. "Oh Marcus, y'know I wouldn't let anything bad happen to you. I understand it's hard for you; what with MI6 on your back and all this lying. But like I said, things will get better, OK?"

"Uh-huh." Marcus softly replied with his face leaned against his mum's shoulder.

"Now come on, let's eat and you can introduce me to the boys and tell me what you got up to in South Park."

Another hour passed. Everyone had nearly finished their meal; whilst in the middle of a deep conversation that had begun almost from the start from the meal.

"The boys were saying to me earlier today that they were quite surprised at how big this house actually is." Marcus spoke.

"Errrr yeh Mrs. Kane-Bridge." Kyle began. "We never knew you and Marcus lived in such a big place. This house is so cool!"

"Well thank you Kyle. Yes, me and Marcus' dad……"

"Step-dad" Marcus mumbled under his voice.

"….both have really big jobs so we were able to afford a place like this. But anyway back on topic, what is like in South Park, I've never been to Colorado before?"

"South Park's cool I guess." Stan spoke; swallowing a large piece of meat he had in his mouth. "We've had some pretty cool adventures up in South Park. Some wierd and some just really, really strange."

"OH GOD DAM, what is this!" Cartman spoke; struggling to eat his meal and expressing signs of disgust.

"Shepherd's Pie, Mince & Mashed Potato; one of my favourite meals." Marcus smiled.

"Oh……right." Cartman replied showing ridiculously stupid faces whilst attempting to eat at least a few more pieces of vegetables and potato.

Everyone except Cartman had already finished their meal and had already made their way to the kitchen to put their plates and cups next to the sink.

The three other boys walked past Cartman who had his eyes closed and was not enjoying the fact that he was eating meat and vegetables. The taste of carrots and potato was too much for Cartman to handle. Stan and Kyle watched in confusion.

"Cartman……what the hell are you doing?" Kyle spoke.

Cartman opened his eyes to realise the level of embarrassment he had just put himself in. He stared in complete blankness.

"Shut the f--- up Kyle you stupid f---ing Jew!" Cartman shouted; trying to get back his lost dignity.

"Cartman, me and Kyle have decided that we're sleeping in the basement. So you're gunna have to sleep in the upstairs room with Kenny."

"Screw that, I'm not sharing a room with Kenny; he's f---ing poor!"

Stan, looking slightly annoyed at Cartman began to shout to Marcus.

"Marcus! Will you tell fat ass here he's gunna have to share sleeping in the upstairs room with Kenny."

"Yep……………………oh right, yes, you are!" Marcus replied.

"GOD DAM IT!" Cartman shouted.

"Anyway, Marcus told us to give you this……and this……and this." Stan handed Cartman three things; a tape, a tape player and some headphones.

"What the hell are these for!"

"We have to listen to these tapes whilst we're asleep. Marcus said it'll help us in speaking more like British people speak."

"Oh………right whatever."

A few more hours passed and Stan and Kyle picked up their bags and made their way down into the basement room.

"Where the hell's the light switch in here!" Stan spoke; seeing nothing but complete darkness as they walked into the darker parts of the fairly large room. "Oh wait, here it is." Stan pulled down on a switch chord. The lights flickered on to reveal an almost den-like style to the room. There were two identical-looking beds, a TV, two mirrors, two wardrobes, two cupboards, a large writing table, two bed-side table cupboards and even a window at the far upper corner of the room that was the only thing that was letting natural light into the room. But of course the window was level with the actual outside ground. The room itself was covered in red carpet and was covered in thick insulation material; making the room both warm and cool at the same time.

Having already packed their bags, placed some clothes and belongings in their chosen wardrobes and cupboards, Stan and Kyle got changed into their usual pyjamas and made their way into their own beds.

"Due, how the hell do we use these things?" Kyle spoke looking at the tape he had held of in his hand.

"I don't know; let's just read the instructions on the tape." Stan read the instructions out loud. "HOW TO SPEAK BRITISH; the lazy man's way whilst asleep. (Made In China) Simply play and listen to this tape in your usual tape player whilst you're asleep. This tape has been tested on North Korean people and 9 out of 10 Koreans have been found successful in speaking like modern day Brits; even without having guns pointed at their heads."

Stan and Kyle looked at one another and took the tapes out of their boxes; placing them inside the tape players and putting on the attached headphones. Turning off the light, both Stan and Kyle easily feel asleep whilst the tape had already begun to play.

"Hello mate! And welcome to 'How To Speak British'; the lazy man's way. My name's Tom and I'll be teaching you the unique ways and fashion of our jolly good British language. So, let's get started with some basics………"

Of course, this was saying the same thing in all four tapes that Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny had playing whilst they were asleep.

Meanwhile, Marcus was sat up in his double bed; reading all the e-mail messages that he had received on his laptop in his usual navy blue shirt and shorts he wore whilst in bed. Marcus already had a very powerful computer PC in his room, but he had gotten used to using his laptop since travelling over to America. Along with it, Marcus' room was dark blue in colour, with furniture and electronic devices (both big and small) scattered all over the room. Having done what he had needed to do on his laptop, Marcus closed it down and placed it on his bedside table and quickly went to sleep; not knowing what the next day was going to bring.

Friday Morning came quickly and with it, brought a bright morning of sunshine and warm weather to London. The sun was shining with a very mystical whiteish yellow tone and there was hardly a cloud in the sky. The birds had been tweeting so loud that they had finally woke Marcus up who in his terms was late in waking up; even though it was only about just gone 9 o clock.

Having finally fully opened his eyes, Marcus scratched his messed up hair and made his way out of his room and downstairs into the kitchen to have some breakfast.

The four boys were already sitting by the kitchen table having something to eat while Liz Kane-Bridge was washing up by the sink.

"Morning mum, morning guys." Marcus spoke as he walked into the kitchen.

"MORNING MATE." Stan spoke in a very peculiar voice. Marcus froze in confusion and turned round.

"Wh….what did you just say."

"I said morning! What's tha' ma'er Marcus? You look like yer' just seen a butter toast."

Marcus walked over to the fridge to get out some milk. He suddenly realised that Stan was talking in his usual American accent anymore. Instead, the tapes had actually worked; Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny had learned how to speak just like Brits. But what Marcus found even more surprising was that the boys also knew 'cockney rhyming slang'. Marcus understood it well and had got slightly shocked by the fact that Stan was using it so well; saying 'butter toast' instead of 'a ghost'. Marcus picked up one of the tape's cases and flipped it over. There it read: 'Featuring over two and a half hours of cockney rhyming slang'. But as long as Marcus' idea worked, he was happy with the results.

"Ere, have you read the Linen Draper (Newspaper) this morning?" Kyle spoke; introducing his new British accent. "It says that more teenagers in this area are messin' up the city and causing violence on the streets. I think they've all gone completely loopy."

"Yeh…" Stan replied. "And to think the government in this country don't even give a toss about it all. What a bunch of lifeless gits eh?"

"Ere guys, I had a weird dream last night as well relatin' to tha'." Cartman spoke.

"Really, what 'bout?"

"Well, I was in this weird place right, and I kept climbing up this weird bunch of Apples and Pares (Stairs); it was all sixes and sevens at the time. And suddenly all these Bin Lids (Kids) appeared from nowhere and started nicking all ma' stuff including ma' old red Billy Goat! (Coat)"

"Woah, that's weird mate."

"Completely! I guess that's what bloody society does to yer'." Kenny replied. Without his new scarf over his mouth, the others could clearly hear the tone and style of his new British accent.

Marcus sat down next to the four boys to eat his breakfast.

"Ere Marcus, I need t' ask yer' a favour." Kyle spoke.

"Sure Kyle, what?" Marcus replied; looking at Kyle whilst still eating his cereal.

"Is it alright if I use yer' Dog & Bone (Phone) later today? It's jus' I promised ma' mum and dad I'd ring 'em to let them know I was alright and I don't want to get into Barney Rubble (Trouble) for not doin' it."

"Dog & Bone?" Marcus thought to himself. "Oh right; PHONE, yeh of course ya' can Kyle."

"Teh, wouldn't have expected anything less than a worried Jew." Cartman spoke.

"Shut the hell up Cartman yer' fat git!" Kyle shouted; like he always does at Cartman.

"Oy, don't call me a fat git you bloody Jew! I'll knock yer' f---ing block off if you call me that again."

"WOAH WOAH WOAH! Let's not fight guys. Now listen, I have to go to my old secondary school to talk to all the students there about college life…" Marcus sighed. "……So, I'm gunna let you guys go off and take a tour of London if you want."

"Really! Oh wow, that's mint cool mate!" Stan shouted in utter delight; as the three boys did the same thing.

"But, just so that you don't get lost or you don't talk to the wrong people, I'll give yer' this map of London and a list of all the types of people you should avoid."

Marcus opened a nearby cupboard and passed the boys two different leaflets. One having a huge map of London on it and loads of details regarding London, the other having a huge list of all the people the four boys shouldn't talk to. These included, chavs, scruffs, asylum seekers, gypsies, market people, blonds, twats and Sir Alan Coffee.

"Right, got'cha Marcus." Cartman spoke; addressing his understanding of what both leaflets were showing.

"OK guys, we should each decide what we wanna do and then write em' down in a list. That way, we'll know where to go and it'll be easy peasy for us to get around London."

"Good thinkin' Stan. Alright guys, let's get thinking." The four boys each took a pen and started thinking. Marcus and his mum; having finished eating their breakfast left the kitchen to go and get properly dressed upstairs.

"Looks like your little idea of making them look and sound British worked son." Liz spoke while the two were walking up the stairs.

"Yeh, I'm glad it all turned out. Now all I have to do is watch over them and make sure nothing happens to them. I just hope those twats at MI6 don't get in the way."

"Oh now Marcus, they're only trying to help. They want this mission to succeed just as much as you do."

"Well they could at least let me do this mission my way instead of bossing me about."

"But remember Marcus. They were the ones who trained you when you were still young. Everything you know; self defence, computer hacking, yer' acrobatic abilities, espionage training, they all gave you that. They knew the pain and suffering you were going through at the time; what with you trying to get over your dad's death, moving to a new city you've never been to and all that, they chose you because they knew you'd become the sort of handsome, clever and calm guy that you are now."

Marcus smiled and looked at his mum. "Yeh, you're right. I just…I just don't want anything bad to happen to those four boys. They're the only friends I've ever had. I don't want to lose them; especially under this situation."

"Oh Marcus, you were just like me when I was young; always putting others first and never giving up on the task at hand."

About thirty minutes later, Liz had already made her way out of the door and off to her own job. Marcus and the four boys were about to also go their separate ways for the day; having got dressed. The four boys were wearing their new British clothes just as Marcus had intended.

"OK guys, the time now's just gone 9.45. I'm there for the whole of the school day, so how about I meet you guys in Trafalgar Square at about………5 o clock."

"Sure, that sounds fine to us." Stan spoke; still in his British. "However there's just one tiny problem."

"What?"

"Where the bloody hell's Trafalgar Square?"

"Oh…………well it should be on the map of London I gave you from before, so you shouldn't find it hard searching for it on there." Marcus changed the subject "Errrr, listen guys, I need to ask yer' something."

"Sure what?"

"Well, it's just……are you permanently stuck in talking in a British accent?"

The four boys looked at one another and lightly laughed. Marcus was slightly confused by this.

"No of course not Marcus. What do yer' think we are; tosspots!" Stan spoke.

"No, we can change back to using our old American accents just by clicking our fingers." Kyle replied; at which point all four boys clicked their fingers. "See dude, we can change back and forth like this whenever we want. We just click our fingers; it's all cool." Kyle continued now back in his original American accent.

The four boys clicked their fingers again; returning back to having British accents. At which point, the five lads made their way out the front door. Marcus locked the door with his house key and finally went off in a different direction to that of the four boys.

"Well lads, where to first?" Cartman spoke.

"Cartman, bloody hell, have you just turned cupid, (stupid) we have to actually get into the main city area of London first."

"Oh right, god I am an idiot."

"Hey lads, let's take the bus. That way it'll be quicker and we'll save time." Kenny spoke; having his new scarf back over the bottom half of his face and making his voice muffled again.

"Brill idea Kenny, come on lads, let's go!" Kyle spoke; at which point the four boys made their way in the opposite direction towards the nearest bus stop.