My hands tremble but I force myself to tighten my grip on my wand. Taking a deep breath and trying desperately to calm myself down I cast the spell again. Bright golden light. Pregnant.
Pregnant at 19. Pregnant just when the war is finally over. Pregnant without so much as a boyfriend, if my parents could see me now.
Unable to even hold myself up let alone my wand I watch it clatter to the floor, watch it roll across the stones as I sink down the wall bringing my knees to my chest. Before I know what's happening the tears are rolling down my cheeks and the sobs are coming hard and fast, wracking my insides and making me feel like I can't breathe.
Pregnant...with Draco Malfoy's baby.
That's how Harry finds me, sobbing uncontrollably at the utter unfairness of it all and yet unable to blame anyone but myself. He'd curled his body protectively around mine and pulled me into his side, letting my tears dry, just holding me like I so desperately needed.
Only when the light has started to fade from the sky, when the floor has finally become so uncomfortable I'm sure both of us are numb does he finally speaks.
'I'm here and whatever it is we'll deal with it together.' he squeezes my exhausted body and just when I think I've finally waved goodbye to them the tears return, forcibly escaping from between my swollen red eyes.
It's always been me and Harry, no matter what just the two of us and now it'll never be just the two of us again.
My voice doesn't work on the first try it's so rough from my sobs, 'I'm pregnant.' I croak out the words eventually, feeling his whole body freeze beside mine upon hearing them.
'But you've only…' he doesn't even need to say the words, the man in question will be the opposite of thrilled at the news, 'Oh love' another squeeze that makes my tears return as he shushes me offering words of comfort and reassurance, telling me that he'll be there no matter what.
I cling to him as fear grips my insides, sharing his strength as the monumental knowledge washes over me. I have no idea how to be a Mother, how to make sure a child feels loved and protected always.
Harry eventually ushers me into bed, climbing on top of the covers next to me and just holding me until I fall into an exhausted sleep.
….
The next morning Harry isn't next to me but I expected that, Ginny would have become concerned if he hadn't eventually returned to tell her where he'd been. She wouldn't be angry for him taking the time to comfort me though, more like the opposite, she understood the unbreakable bond between us.
I drag myself out of bed with great effort, catching sight of myself in the mirror and almost bursting into tears all over again, I look a state. My hair is uncontrollable, frizzy and huge from Harry's petting, my eyes are bright red and swollen and my nose is sore and chapped. I abandon all ideas of going to get a cup of tea redirecting to the shower with determination.
Yesterday I needed to break, but today i'm determined to be strong.
Thirty minutes and two glamour charms later I look almost back to normal, my hair is in controlled curls falling silkily down my back, my eyes are bright and back to their usual shine and my nose is feeling deliciously pain-free, I feel ready to face the day.
After pulling on some leggings and a soft jumper I head downstairs, Harry and Ginny are sitting at the large table clearly waiting for me. A fresh pot of tea sits in the middle and a plate of toast on the opposite bench, an invitation if ever i've seen one. Harry had invited me to stay at Grimmauld Place after the war, Krecher had been hard at work to get everything clean and comfortable again and with Dobby's help they'd made the house a piece of art. With my parents obliviated beyond return it had seemed like the smart thing to do.
'Are you feeling better, Harry said you were quite upset?' Ginny pours me a cup as I seat myself, nothing but concern in her pretty brown eyes. Typical generous Harry Potter, giving me the chance to tell her myself.
'I'm feeling much more like myself, I do have some news though.' nervously i cradle my cup in my hands, let the warmth seep into my bones as i take a moment to ponder what her reaction will be.
She gives me a tender look putting down her own slice of toast, i realise i only needed a moment.
'I'm pregnant.' the words still feel foreign on my tongue, as if it couldn't possibly be me saying them, i take a sip to distract myself from my mounting panic, perfectly sweetened tea, is there anything better?
To Ginny's credit she doesn't immediately react, her eyes lighting in recognition of the 'flu' i just hadn't been able to shake recently, fury lighting her eyes as keeping a harsh check on her temper she asks the most important question, 'Who?'
I take a fortifying breath, I'm not ashamed of my choice even if some people might not agree with it, 'Draco Malfoy.'
Her eyes widen slightly before they shoot to Harry for confirmation, he gives a single nod and she whips back to me in a tangle of strawberry blond hair, curiosity, disbelief and about a hundred other things burning in those eyes as she takes things in at a million miles an hour, typical Ginny, she grabs one of Harry's hands in hers settling in.
'Tell me everything'
….
Three months ago just before victory.
Malfoy entered the safe house looking decidedly worse for wear, his mask gone and three long gashes spread out across his cheek, the blood on them not quite dry enough to have clotted yet.
Rushing to my feet before I can process that my help might not be wanted, I all but force him to sit in one of the chairs left dotted around the empty kitchen, unable to stand the sight of him once again worn and injured.
'You shouldn't have apparated if you were injured.' I can't help but admonish him as I summon some essence of dittany from my bag, dotting it on some spare cotton pads and wiping it over the cuts as gently as I can manage, hearing him hiss his displeasure at the slight sting of my care.
'How else would I have told you that the dark lord is going to be attacking Hogwarts tomorrow? We're in the middle of a war Granger, I don't have the luxury of getting to sit around until i feel better' it's the same arrogant drawling voice that he's always had but the words are ones i'd never have imagined would come from his mouth, he sits back and lets me scourgify the dried blood away from his face and suddenly he's once again the Draco Malfoy i've always known, if slightly worse for wear.
'Why Hogwarts?' I let myself scoot back so that I can rest against the table behind me biting my tongue to stop myself from shouting that I know what it means to be in a war, I know exactly what it means to be without such basic luxuries - thank you very much!
Instead I watch him stretch and shake himself to assess the damage as he contemplates my question. I wish I could say I hadn't seen him do the same thing before, wish I could say i'd never seen him covered in blood before limping his way to our meetings. Alas such wishes were things the war couldn't afford to me, luxurious as peace is in a time of utter devastation.
'He wants something hidden there, he's been mumbling about finding something for safekeeping, before you ask i don't know what.' a wince followed by a grimance before he waves his wand at his abdomen, a practised healing spell falling from his lips, the lines around his eyes lessening as it takes hold.
I nod, mind churning as I begin to consider the possibilities, we'd expected as much, the three of us had spent many a night around the fire considering just how best to approach the castle, Harry had been insistent that the last of the horcruxes had been hidden there, and now it seems Malfoy has given us the last shred of evidence to justify the insanity of trying to break into one of the most magically protected buildings in England.
'Keeping secrets Granger?' he raises one of those elegant blond eyebrows when i don't seem surprised by the news, tilting his face with a look of superiority i haven't seen in a while, unknowingly causing my gaze to snag on the bag he'd unceremoniously placed by the door on his way in.
Once he'd discovered that the reason Harry and i looked so emaciated was because we were living off mushrooms and whatever i could grow off the forest floor his grey eyes had flashed with something so bizarrely out of place i couldn't help but remember it, he'd studied my wan cheeks with something i'd almost call rage, I'd dismissed it as a trick of the light, until the next time he'd arrived.
After giving us what information he'd had he'd unceremoniously pulled out a bag before hastily making his exit, inside we'd found it stuffed with food, things that wouldn't spoil and rare treats like chocolate and fresh fruit. Ever since he'd brought a similar bag with him, wordlessly increasing the size of the bag when he'd discovered that Ron had rejoined us, ironically it seemed to be the thing that finally convinced the stubborn ginger man to see he was on our side.
'He wouldn't bother feeding us if this was all a trap.' The ginger haired giant of a man had laughed before digging into his berties every flavour beans with gusto, leaving me and Harry to share amused chuckles over our bowls of stew.
No he wouldn't.
The scraping of his chair as he pushes it back jolts me into the present, and I take the time to just look at him, to see the rapidly healing bruises marring his perfect skin, the dark circles under his eyes and the storm building in his eyes, i wonder where he gets his unending pool of arrogance from. At this point it must be hereditary, something passed down in his genes surely.
He raises an eyebrow pointedly and I realised I've been staring.
'I've always wondered why you did it, why you still do it?' I'm almost whispering the question and it's quiet, even for a room that's silent it's quiet. Of course it's Malfoy so he doesn't give me any answer I could predict. He's been rather unpredictable as a rule lately but to my shock his eyes narrow teasingly, sparkling just slightly.
Unperturbed, I lean forward, suddenly it seems critical that I understand, why he'd helped us escape Malfoy Manor, why he'd turned spy and kept us updated with the movements of the other side, let us avoid ambushes and snatchers and even brought us food and potions supplies to keep us healthy. I raise my head and he smirks just the tiniest bit.
'You're Hermione Granger, shouldn't you know?' he tilts his head and a teasing grin i don't think i've ever seen directed my way before appears, one that exposes his perfectly white teeth and the sharp edge of his cheekbones - bruised as they are.
He's quite beautiful when he smiles an absent part of my brain remarks, in an objective way there's something rather spectacular about the way his particular cells are arranged.
'Humour me Malfoy?' i manage to tease him back tilting my head with the barest of grins, surprising myself with how good it feels, actually it feels bloody brilliant to be able to tease someone, anyone at all when everything is so miserable.
'Who could keep up with me if the Dark Lord won Granger, I'd have no one left to call me a prat or make fun of my what did you call it-' he taps his chin as if struggling to remember '-my poncy aristocratic nonsense?' another of those grins that turns the harshness of his mercurial eyes beautiful, stunning even, 'I've never received criticism quite so colourfully.'
'You turned against everything you've ever been taught, everything you know, just so that i could insult you? Careful Malfoy, it's starting to sound like you actually like me.' I smile at the idea of it sure that he'll scowl in disgust at the thought, but something dangerous sparkles in his eyes instead as he stands up and edges towards me, something serious.
'Someone once asked me what i believed in and at the time i couldn't give an answer that was mine-' his eyes go unfocused and i'm so surprised by the honesty i don't even realise how close we're standing, he leans in '-it wasn't until i saw you fighting and winning against a witch known for her cruelty that i had my answer, that i finally had words to give that were my own' he steps back as if he's apologising for so much honesty, you can almost see the shutters falling in those spellbinding eyes of his, locking that part of himself away as he prepares to fall back into the role he's playing, the person he's pretending to be.
Before I realise what i've done i've stepped towards him, taking back the space that he'd tried to recreate, mesmerised by the flash of raw emotion and desperate for it not to leave. For something to be raw and real in my reality, anything.
'What were your words?' my throat is horse although I can't think of why, can't understand why my heart feels like it's going to explode with some emotion or other - wishing that he'd raise his eyes to mine, that he'd show me that flash again. I feel possessive suddenly, as if I'm owed such candor from him, it seems incredibly important that I understand, that finally I get inside that well fortified mind of his.
He gives a bitter laugh but he doesn't look at me again and I can feel the resentment well in my chest, all of a sudden I hate the fact that he's taken his eyes away, that he's punishing me for something but I can't possibly think of what. Running on instinct, emboldened by the fact he's made no move to put more space between us I reach out and cup his cheek.
My hands shake slightly and through the dim light I can just about make out that they're slightly dirty and just a little cold against his soft warm cheek.
He flinches obviously not expecting the touch and I feel myself colour mortified.
'I'm so -' I go to draw my hand away in embarrassment but his comes up to cover it, his palm so large it dwarfs mine as he holds it to his skin, his eyes closing on a heavy exhale.
Finally, finally he looks at me and the vulnerability in his gaze is startling. It makes the resentment melt away, he wasn't punishing me he was hiding, punishing himself more than anything. I sink into the loneliness in his look as if I could get lost in the silver pools forever without even remembering that I wanted to get out. Like calling to like, emotion to emotion.
He lowers his voice and it's so soft and tender it's intimate, precious, he leans into my hand letting his own fall away as if relishing the simple touch 'I told him i believe in Hermione Granger.'
The words fall like bombs, shattering the world and making it anew again in seconds, in the new hopeful world the next thing I know I've leaned up and kissed him, the hand on his cheek sliding around to pull his head closer to mine, fingers lacing through his white blond locks. He hesitates for a bare second, eyes flashing in disbelief before he's kissing me back, his tongue sliding into my mouth and his big hands falling down to the waistband of my jeans to pull me closer.
Suddenly i don't know how i lived without this, the world seems so cold outside of our embrace, as if the only thing that matters is his warmth on mine, skin touching skin and lips touching lips.
It's passionate and frenzied and everything i'd ever heard it was supposed to be, all tongue and teeth, rough caresses and joyous whimpers, if i hadn't seen with my own eyes that it was Malfoy behaving with such unrestrained desire i'd have never believed it in the telling. All ideas of propriety rapidly shed as his hands fall down to the backs of my thighs and he lifts, pushing me onto the table I'd been resting against and situating himself between my legs. Not that I have any complaints about his ungentlemanly behaviour of course, I'm too busy desperately trying to push off his robes, clawing at his neck and twisting my hands through his hair so that he can't create so much as an inch of distance between us.
Soon enough helping each other we've managed to pull off his shirt and he's yanked off my jumper. His mouth traces the scar that Dolohov gave me licking and kissing it tenderly before he reaches my breasts, with a subtle bit of wandless magic my bra is on the floor next to me and his mouth and hands are everywhere, and they're so hot, everything is so hot it feels like everywhere he touches me my skin is burning. It feels like i'm on fire and he's only making it hotter, pain reshaped and turned into pleasure.
I use my grip on his hair to pull him off just slightly, letting his groan flow over me like ambrosia as I kiss my way over the scars on his chest, licking them with the same level of adoration he'd given me, biting the tendons of his neck and scratching to pull him closer. Merlin he's a beautiful wizard.
I trail my hand down to undo the button on his pants and suddenly his hand is there stopping me.
'I've never…' he leaves the sentence open ended but he doesn't look sheepish or embarrassed, the desire in his eyes tells me that he wants this with me, that he wants me.
'Neither have i.' I can admit it because i'm almost sure he won't make me stop, my blood feels like lava and i'm scared that stopping will have me burning up from the inside out. All of these feelings are so new they'd be overwhelming without his body pressing into mine, his hand tangled in my curls and his thighs pinning me down and saving me from floating his hand away I refocus on my task.
I don't care that we've never done this before, I don't care that he used to bully and insult me, that we know nothing about each other apart from silly rivalries, or about the fact that we're fighting a bloody war and we're on opposite sides! Right now the only thing I care about is that he believes in me, he believes in me and damn it I believe in him, and for now nothing else matters!
Our pants come off and there's lots of rubbing and touching and groaning before finally, finally he comes inside me, making me feel whole in such a way that i wasn't before, not that i was less then just that i'm suddenly more physical pain is so minor I barely feel it with the way my chest feels like it's cracking open, emotion flooding into my cells like i've just taken a drug and it's finally hit my bloodstream. My magic feels foriegn in my veins, like ambrosia swirling and crackling through me. Like we're one person instead of two, as if I can see into his heart and he can see into mine and they're mirrors of each other, like this whole time we've been reflections but only just realised it. Suddenly he changes the angle tilting me slightly so that he can thrust deeper and it changes everything, digging my nails into his back i clasp him to me claiming his mouth as my own as i try to wiggle even closer, before I know it I'm gasping his name and he's moaning mine, both of us almost shouting in our desperation.
His eyes have never looked so vibrant, so deep and complex and just plain beautiful. With his hair hanging softly over his forehead and his cheeks pink with exertion one thing I've never been so sure about is that Draco Malfoy is beautiful.
He grips my head with one hand tugging and forcing his mouth back on mine as if he can't help himself, I put up no resistance, see no need to pain myself trying, melting into him as he reaches down with his other hand to rub just where I need it most, it's painful It feels so good, so right. I shatter screaming a sob and biting his lip with a harsh jerk as I break around him, he follows me and I drink down his moan like it's nectar relishing in the feeling of being so real and alive, my blood honey at the thought of how much he wanted me, how honest his desire is.
We're both still panting as he collects himself, almost abruptly casting a quick scourgify and tucking himself away, looking at the table in shock and then refusing to meet my eye. He looks around clearly panicking until he finds my underwear, softly dragging them up my legs and lifting me like I'm a feather to resituate them.
'It's cold' he wraps his cloak around me tightly, casting a wandless warming charm before searching the room for the rest of our clothes. He dresses me first ignoring the chill in the air or his own semi-naked state, going so far as to fasten my bra and tie my shoes before he searches out his shirt, shrugging it on and then finding his own shoes, still not looking at me.
I belatedly realise that he's avoiding eye contact and I slip off the table feeling unsure but determined, determined to feel no regret, no shame or guilt about something that was so utterly perfect. With hesitant steps I approach his bent figure taking off the cloak and wrapping it around his cold shoulders.
When he stands i realise his lip is bleeding and i use my thumb to rub it away, wincing slightly at the gash i've caused and ignoring the way his eyes are darting around anywhere but at me.
'I can heal that, it might scar otherwise' I don't apologise because I don't regret it, any of it, instead I pull my wand out to fix the hurt, startling slightly as he grabs my hand before I can so much as wave my wand.
Finally, finally he looks at me 'Don't'
I slip my wand back into my pocket and kiss him, kiss him with everything I'm feeling and everything I want, all my hopes and desires and fears and nightmares all pushed into one nerve frying kiss. My passion and my relief, my feeling of utter contentment that it happened like this, that it happened with him.
When I pull back I realise I forgot to tell him something 'I believe in you too Draco Malfoy' i give him a watery smile, so overwhelmed with everything I'm feeling that i want to cry at the sheer unfairness of it all, at the sheer magic of it all.
For a moment he looks utterly and completely lost, like he has no idea what to do with all the information he's been given, no idea how to process what he's feeling. It's such a beautiful moment i almost wish i had a camera to capture it, to save the last fleeting glance of his innocence for myself, just for a moment.
'Promise me you'll kiss me like that again when this is all over, just once' his voice is rusty from our previous activity, his face is completely blank but his eyes are pools of energy, they're all but grinning at me, emotion shining out from them like a lighthouse in the dark.
I step back to get ready to apparate back to the boys, back to the tent and the war and the misery, the death and the enemies 'I promise.'
End of Flashback.