The pain of loving you Chapter 12: Beautiful world, an escaflowne fanfic

Long chapter full of anguish. You'll kill me after you finish reading it, but I know you love me and want to know the end of it,

so you can't. Jajajaja. Trust me, it is all for the best. Though I should warn you, Hitomi and Van are going to face a lot more

before finally been together, if they are ever together. I might decide to be cruel and tear them apart. Oh, and the song Stop

crying your heart out doesn't belong to m, it belongs to Oasis, or at least is played by them.

Now, go read this chapter, and stop reading my nonsense.

The pain of loving you

Beautiful world

He was drowning into those pools of green. His only thoughts were her eyes. They were emerald like and held the innocence of the whole world. In front of him was the most beautiful thing that had ever walked on Gaea. She was so good and naïve and it suddenly didn't feel right for him to have her. He was corrupted by evil and dead. His only thought till now had been revenge and war. She only wanted peace and happiness fro everyone. She got closer to him, wanting him to kiss her, and it suddenly hit Van that she was to marry another. He couldn't help himself from asking the bloody question. He didn't know why, but he had to know.

"Do you love Allen Schezar?"

She didn't answer immediately, and that gave him hope, but then she had to open her mouth.

"Yes"

It was just one simple, short word, but it made him hurt to the bone. He didn't know why, but knowing that she loved another put him in more pain than anything before had. He pushed her away from him as if she was on fire, and quickly got to his feet, his bangs falling on his eyes, hiding what he really felt from her. He heard her get up and put a doubtful hand on his arm, but he shook it off. He didn't want her touching him. He suddenly didn't want anything to do with her.

She loved another…

He could not understand what bothered him so much about this. She was nothing to him but a friend. The fact that she had been the only person he had cared about since his family's dead didn't change the fact that she meant nothing to him. She couldn't be anything to him but a friend. He couldn't allow himself to feel anything else towards her. He was a bloody mercenary, and it was time for him to behave as one. The only reason for him to be helping her was because she served his purpose. She was only a tool that would help him get his revenge. She had to be a tool. He closed his eyes hard, and his hands tightened into fists. He knew he was only telling himself lies. He suddenly felt the urge to hate her. If he had never met her, he would not be suffering so much. If he had never met her, he would have been able to continue his life the way it was. It was her fault that he now cared about others. She had made him soft and weal by just been near him. Killing and terrifying others wasn't in his mind any more. It didn't give him the satisfaction it used to give him. Thought of revenge didn't please him any more. He only thought about her. He wanted to protect her and be by her side, but Schezar was the only thing that was in her mind. He was the one that had her heart. He was the one that she wanted, not him. He lowered his head. He shouldn't care. He only wanted to have friendship between them, nothing more.

'You know that's not true' His fists tightened.

'It is true, and I will not have it any other way' His mind decided it wasn't time to have a discussion with his heart.

"Van?"

Her voice reached his ears, reminding him of what he could not have.

"What do you want, Kansaki?" His voice was cold, and didn't reveal the turmoil that was taking place inside of him. He felt her hurt at his sudden change of attitude and mentally kicked himself for hurting her.

"I… Van… I don't know…I'm sorry"

He felt his anger rise at hearing her words. Why was she apologizing for? That just didn't erase the fact that she loved another. It didn't make her love him.

'Wait, love?' The thought paralyzed him and made him forget his predicament for a moment. Why the hell would he want her to love him? He was more than sure that he didn't love her, so her love meant nothing to him.

"What are you sorry about? It's not like there's anything between us. You and I are only together because of the task set upon us and nothing else. If I could have my way, I would be as far away from you as I could. Besides, you can love whoever you want. I don't love Kansaki, so don't get any wrong ideas on that hard head of yours, and if I chose to love anyone, it wouldn't be a snobby, clumsy, stupid, naïve girl like you"

He turned to look at her. His eyes were cold and vacant of any feeling, just like the first time she had looked into the.

"I would never be able to love you" he told her and immediately regret it as her eyes showed the hurt he had inflicted upon her. The emotion rapidly changed to one of anger.

"That is the reason why I love Allen. He is a warm, kind, sophisticated person who has the ability to feel something other that hate. He is the man that you will never be able to be. He is everything I want, and you are everything I despise. You are just a hollow person who has no future and a horrible past, and that doesn't care about anybody, and even if I didn't love Allen. I would never think of giving you my most precious feeling. I don't waste it on mercenaries"

Her words crabbed into his heart. His eyes became harder. So he wasn't good enough for her? Fine, then she wasn't good enough for him.

"Since I'm not good enough for you, then I guess our supposedly friendship never existed. If that is the case, then let's finish this stupid task soon, so we can go back to our lives"

"I think that's what we should do, Fanel"

Hearing her refer to him with his last name sore him. He knew he had gone too far, but the damage was done, and he would not go back on his words. Without giving her a second glance, he walked back to their camp. He would erase all feelings he had for her. He would go back to what he used to be. He ignored his heart, which was begging him to go apologize to her, and locked his emotions in the deepest part of his soul.

Hitomi was left feeling numb. The nerve of him to call her unworthy of his affection, as if he was worthy of hers. A feeling of sadness invaded her whole being as she remembered his eyes. He had gone back to his old self, and she couldn't feel but feel frustrated by this. She had worked so hard on making him open up to her, and now they were worse than at the beginning. Still, she had done the right thing, right? She did love Allen. She was to marry him, so she obviously loved him, right? She had to love him. She was spending the rest of his days with him. She hadn't lied to Van.

'Then why did it feel so wrong when I told him that I loved Allen?'

The words just hadn't seemed right, and Allen and love just didn't seem to belong in the same sentence. She knew that she was only denying the horrible truth. She would never be able to love Allen. It was something she was simply incapable of doing. He was great and a beautiful specimen, but he didn't make her feel the way Van did. There was no electricity when they touched, and she just couldn't get lost into his eyes. Wait, Van? Hitomi slap herself and tried to bring some sense back into her mind. Van and she didn't share any kind of feelings. There was nothing between the two of them. He didn't make her heart rice or her body tremble every time he slightly touched her. He was just an ex friend who always angered her and crept into her thoughts. She was sure he was nothing more to her. He simply couldn't be anything more to her. He was a stupid mercenary who would never be able to make her happy. He was king of a death kingdom, member of a slaughtered family. He had even helped Dornkirk with his stupid plans and mischief's. He had massacre towns and villages without carrying. He had killed and laughed about it. He had rejoiced at others misfortunes. He was simply not the man for her. She had never seen him smile or laugh or admire the beauty around him. She had never met anyone that was so cold and distant. Still, even after all the good reasons for not getting close to him, something about him drawn her towards him. She couldn't help but hurt at the thought of losing him as a friend. He had saved her life more than once and liked her for who she was, and not for what she had. Hitomi felt tears starting to form in her eyes as she remembered all the things he had said to her.

She truly was all the things he had said. She was just a stupid, snobby, naïve girl that had always been inside a bubble. She got angrier at him for making him feel so useless and worthless. How dare he? She had always done everything she could to make others happy. All her life had been devoted to others. She was marrying Allen for the sake of others. She was going to achieve the peace he was incapable of even dreaming off. She was so much more than him. While he closed himself inside his selfishness she had managed to become selfless. She had never done anything for herself. He just couldn't tell her she was snobby when he didn't even know how much she had suffered. She had never giving herself a thought, had never even dreamed of doing something for herself. She was here, with him, because she had to save the whole world, not because she wanted to. The fact that she had gotten used to his presence, his scent, the way he looked at her, and the way he made her feel did nothing to help her situation.

"I would never be able to love you"

He would never lay his eyes on someone like her. He would never think of her as anything but a tool. He would never care for her. She couldn't stop the tears she had been holding, and they started to fall from her eyes. She tried to suppress her sobs, but it was impossible. She curled her body and cried herself to sleep.

-Asturia-

Dryden stood in front of his army. He had waked up with a bad feeling. Somehow, he just knew something dreadful would happen to him. He had said goodbye to his beloved wife knowing that he would probably never see her again. Asturia was losing against Zaiback, and if he didn't do something incredible, the city would be lost to them. He knew there was only one way of winning. He had to do it for Millerna. Of he couldn't have a future; at least he could give her one. He hoped with all his heart for her to forgive him.

"I know this war has taken every will inside of you" he said, a little too loud so every single soldier could hear him "I know you are tired and feel hopeless. I know all of you have at least lost some one to this war, but I also know that you are brave men. We have to win this war or everything we love and hold close to our heart will die with us. We cannot let Dornkirk take over what is ours. As you face these men in your guymelefs, think not of death but of what you are saving. Your lives will not be wasted. Walk towards your destiny with your head raised high." Dryden's voice suddenly lowered "Giving up is not a choice we have. In the future, we will be remembered as the ones who fought for what was right. We will be remembered through our years as the great heroes that fought till the end. No one will be able to stop us. We will not give up till all our blood has been drained out and our soul have been torn apart, and even then, our spirits will regain, giving strength to the ones that we leave behind. Today we make our destinies and write our fate. Today we fight for everyone that depends on us. Look at the man besides you. Do not forget his face, for he is your brother, and he will be there when you need him. Fight, fight with all you've got. Let's show death that we laugh at it. Let us show those Zaiback rats that we mock at their weak troops"

Yells of approval rose everywhere, and Dryden saw their faces fill with new strength and resolve. He turned his back to them and rode his guymelef. Everyone followed his example. He knew what he had to do, and he would do it. Without second thoughts he charged against his final destination.

'Forgive me, Millerna'

Allen didn't know how to break the news to her. He knew it would tear her soul apart and break her heart, but he couldn't hold the truth from her. He slowly made his way towards her. She was waiting anxiously for him, and immediately went by his side.

"Where is Dryden?" she demanded him. Allen stood quite for a minute. He couldn't find the right words to tell her.

Hold up
Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone

"Allen, please tell me. I know something is wrong. I can feel it. Please don't let me suffer any more"

Her eyes were pleading him to tell her all he knew, but what he had to say wouldn't please her one bit. The news he brought were far from happy.

"Millerna…" His voice broke down. How was he supposed to tell her that…?

"What is it, Allen, tell me" She was at the brick of desperation. Why didn't anyone tell her what was going on? She looked at him and felt her heart tightened in fear. The look in his face was devastating, and it did nothing to soothe down her nerves.

"He did it to safe us all. It was the only way for us to win the battle. Now we have an advantage before Zaiback, and it's all thanks to him"

"What did he do?"

May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Don't be scared (don't be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm

"He… he crashed against Zaibach's main troops and...he…he self detonated his guymelef. I…he destroyed half of their troops and most of their leaders, but…I'm sorry, Millerna, he didn't survive."

'Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them someday
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Millerna couldn't, wouldn't believe what she had just heard. It was a lie. His Dryden couldn't be dead. It had to be a mistake. It couldn't be true. He wouldn't just leave her all alone. He had promised to be by her side forever. He would not back up on his word.

"You are lying" she told Allen firmly "He would never leave me"

She looked into his eyes and gasped at what she saw in them. His shine was gone, and he looked so old and tired. His face only showed pain, same as his eyes.

"It can't be true" she said, her voice unsteady. He couldn't be dead. She wouldn't allow him to be dead. She couldn't go on without him.

Get up (get up)
Come on (come on)
Why're you scared (I'm not scared)
You'll never change what's been and gone

"He…" she fell to her knees. The anguish she was feeling was driving her nuts. She would never see him again. She would never kiss him again. She would never hear him say that he loved her. She would never be able to tell him that she loved him. She would never be wrapped by his strong arms. He would never, ever, be there for her again. He was dead. She suddenly got angry at Allen. She didn't know why, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

"Why didn't you save him? You knew he wasn't a warrior. He was a bloody intellectual that knew nothing about war. You should have protected him. I trusted you with his life" She started to punch him as hard as she could, while repeating to him that it was his entire fault. Allen closed his eyes and let her free her frustration with him. It was the least he could do for her. She suddenly stopped hitting him and simply sat on the floor. Her eyes were dull, and he knew she had lost all her hope. He couldn't let that happen. For his friend's memory, he wouldn't let her get lost in her misery. He couldn't let her fade away.

"Millerna, snap out of it. I know you are hurting, but you have to get yourself back together. Life doesn't stop just because he is dead. The sun won't stop shining. Life will not wait for you to stop mourning so it can go on. We are in the middle of a war. Your husband sacrificed himself for you, so you could live. Don't throw his life away"

"I don't know how to live without him" she simply told him.

"I know it seems impossible right now, but you are strong, and you will make it through. Go to your room, tomorrow everything will look better"

Millerna did as he told him, moving as if she were on a dream. She went to her bed and lay on it. She started to cry harder as she looked at the spot that belonged to Dryden. The loneliness she felt was too much for her. It suddenly hit her that he was truly dead, and that she had lost the love of her life.

We're all of us stars
We're fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see us someday
Just take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out

Hitomi was having a very weird dream. It was like she was inside of someone else. She saw through his eyes and spoke through his lips. She could hear his thoughts as if they were her own.

"I know you are tired and feel hopeless. I know all of you have at least lost some one to this war, but I also know that you are brave men. We have to win this war or everything we love and hold close to our heart will die with us. We cannot let Dornkirk take over what is ours. As you face these men in your guymelefs, think not of death but of what you are saving. Your lives will not be wasted. Walk towards your destiny with your head raised high."

She followed the body she was trapped in as it got on his guymelef. She could feel what he felt, and it was not good. She knew the only way to save Asturia was by sacrificing herself/himself. She launched herself at Zaibach's main troops and without thinking of anything punched the bottom of self-destruction. She heard Allen yell something, but ignored it.

'Forgive me, Millerna'

That was the last thought before the guymelef exploded, and her life ended.

Hitomi woke up wet with sweat and screaming for all she was worthy.

Sad, sad chapter. Van and Hitomi are angry, and I just killed Dryden and made Millerna suffer, but I had to do it. It will

serve for a goop purpose. Well, now that everything is wrong, and you probably fill like killing me, I think is a good time to

go. Review if you want to know what happens next. This story is getting interesting. You know, I had it all planned out by

chapters, but it took a life of its own. Now, I can only do as the story tell me.