The pain of loving you Chapter 22: You and me, an escaflowne fanfic

At last, chapter 22, I think, I can't remember. For now on, we are entering the last chapters, though you still have some left. Well, I'm sorry for the late update. I didn't thought it would take so long to write this chapter. Oh, and a big thanks to my editor who deals with all of my mistakes and to all my reviewers. Really, if it wasn't for you, I don't know of I would be still writing this. It certainly is the largest story I've ever written. The song in this story is Deliver me by Sarah Brightman and Enya.

And now…enjoy this.

The pain of loving you

You and me

Van closed his eyes and walked towards the water. He wanted to calm himself. He needed to straighten his ideas. He was desperate for a solution to his problems. He couldn't let her die. There had to be a way to save her. His hands formed into fists. His nails pierced his flesh. He didn't care. The pain was bearable. Knowing that she could die and he wouldn't be able to do anything about it wasn't. If it was any other situation, he was sure he would be able to protect her. He would fight a whole army for her. He would defy Dornkirk and Zaibach for her. He would even ally with Schezar if that kept her safe. But he simply couldn't protect her from the Heart, and he sure as hell couldn't protect her from herself. He could try. He would try, but he didn't think it would work. She always got what she wanted. No amount of words or actions could force her to not do something she thought was necessary. They had found the Heart, and it would probably save Gaea. They would go against Zaibach. He would protect her until the last drop of blood left his body, until he had no more energy left in him, until his strength weakened, and until his last breath was taken. He would protect her until his mind stopped thinking about her, and his heart stopped feeling for her. He would be there for her until the end. And then…Then she would choose to die to save everyone else, and all his protection would go to waste. His eyes watered, and he fought the tears with all he had. No matter what, he wouldn't cry. He had to be strong…for her. It all revolved around her. It was all about her. His life had changed because of her. She had made him a different, a better person. He smiled a sad smile, and then concentrated hard. The sound of a shirt tearing up echoed in the halls. Feathers covered Van and his wings spread around him.

White as snow.

Soft as cotton.

Angel wings for a demon.

Angel wings for him.

He had lost his family and kingdom. He had watched his brother's murder. His childhood had ended when he was barely five. He had had to learn to fight and survive. His last friend had left him. Dornkirk had trained him to become a mercenary. He had killed, massacred, and destroyed. He had been betrayed by the only person he had trusted. He had suffered to the pint of desperation, and then…she came to save him. She made him feel things he thought he would never be able to feel again. She had given him the hope he had lost years ago. She had made him want to live. She had warmed him. And he…

He wouldn't change anything about his past. He would go through all of it again if it took him to her. He would endure any obstacle to be with her. He would take all the pain of the world if he was able to gaze just once into her green pools.

Hitomi Kansaki, queen of the Kansaki kingdom, mistress of the Heart of the Dragon, and owner of a warrior's heart, his heart, to be precise.

He opened his eyes and looked at his reflection on the water. It seemed to be mocking him, telling him that he could never have her. He wasn't a gentleman like Schezar. He wasn't rich or a king of a powerful and glorious kingdom like him. He wasn't the charming prince every girl dreamed of. He was just Van Fanel, king of Fanelia, ex mercenary of Zaibach, and guardian of the Heart and its mistress.

Nothing more. Nothing for her.

And it pained him because he knew that their time in this world was limited, but all these things still mattered. They mattered so much…because she was already in love with another, and she wanted a live with another. And even if they had centuries in front of them, she would still want the other one. He didn't have anything to make her fall in love with him and spend their last days, weeks, months, whatever time they had left, together. He couldn't change the way she felt. He wasn't Allen Schezar. He wasn't Hitomi's perfect man. It was so frustrating! He knew that all the things Schezar had weren't important if they were going to die. But he didn't want Hitomi to die. There was only one small possibility of saving her.

Maybe, if…the idea had formed slowly in his head. Maybe if he used the Heart instead of Hitomi, he would be able to save her. He would surely die. There was no doubt of that. He was not meant to ever use the Heart. But his mother had said that Dornkirk could use it, and if Dornkirk could, so did he. In that way, Hitomi would live and have all the things she wanted. She would be able to live the rest of her days next of the man she loved. And he... His heart would break into a thousand pieces, but it didn't matter. Nothing did if she was okay. Besides, he would be dead, and that meant he wouldn't be there to see her next to him. That was definitely a bonus. He looked towards the sky. Dark and cloudy like his heart. The weather seemed to be in the same mood that he was in. His smiled widen a little. Now he was getting mushy and soft. Just what he needed. He was not only hopelessly in love with Hitomi. He was also becoming a romantic. That certainly wasn't good. Warriors were never soft. They never cried. They never let their emotions interfere with their duties. They definitely never, ever, begged. Still, he felt like doing so.

The once emotionless Van Fanel felt like begging.

He wanted to go to his knees in front of her and beg her to give him one chance to be next to her. He wanted to beg for an opportunity to be loved by her. He would do anything for that one chance. He would do everything if he could just feel her lips against his own one more time.

Flashback

"I will not let you leave me." She told him softly, putting her forehead against his. "Please, don't go…"

"I am a mercenary."

He knew he was going back to his previous self, but he couldn't do anything about it. He wanted to go. He wanted to be free of all the emotions that were building up inside of him. He wanted to feel nothing because that was safer. He was surprised when she leaned towards him. She stopped inches before him. One of her hands caressed his cheek. The world seemed to stop.

"You will not go."

And she pressed her lips to his, kissing him as if her life depended on it. Kissing him with all the desperation she felt. And he kissed her back, and felt his skin melt with her touch, and his breath catch in his throat. Her touch made him feel alive, and nothing mattered but the two of them. He forgot everything but the beauty that was kissing him with all the passion that she had in her body. He kissed her harder, wanting to savor her, to be one with her. He expressed all the desperation he felt, all his want. He kissed her until lack of oxygen forced him to part. And after that, he held her in his arms, wanting to never part. She opened her eyes and for once he didn't hide his emotions from her. All his love was exposed in his eyes. She smiled and buried her head into his chest as he caressed her head.

End Flashback

His smile turned into bitter one. That would never happen again, and there was no use in thinking about it anymore. Why torment his self with things that could never be?

"Whatever you are thinking about, stop."

The voice reached his ears, a melodic sound that made his skin curl. He kept his eyes in the sky. His mother had told him that anything was possible here. He didn't want his hopes to rise again. Small hands slowly undid his fists. He didn't dare look at her expression. He knew he had hurt his hands with his nails. She had to be repulsed by him. She probably thought he was some lunatic, hurting himself. To his surprise, she brought the palm of his hands to her lips.

"Don't hurt yourself. Don't you know you hurt me too?"

His heart skipped a bit.

She ran through the streets of Atlantis, searching for him. It seemed like she was always running to get to him. She was always searching for his warmth. She wanted to forever be lost in his eyes. She needed to know that he cared for her the same way she did for him. She kept running and running, searching for him with her eyes and her heart. Her mind wouldn't stop bombarding her with all the things that could go wrong if she told him her secret. Their mission would definitely be put in danger if she did. The future of Gaea would hang by a loosen rope. Dornkirk could get away with his plans or get the Heart. Her beautiful Kansaki could fall in the hands of Zaibach. She would hurt Allen's feelings. The peace between the magical and unmagical kingdoms could be altered. Alliances could be broken. They did not need that right now. Not with a war they couldn't win. So many things could go wrong! To tell Van that she loved him was a mistake. To top it all, she was scared. So scared, she couldn't even think straight.

Scared of rejection.

Van had not shown signs of liking her as anything but a friend. There had been times when she had thought she had seen something in his eyes. Once in a while, he would say or do something that would set her hopes high, but then they would crash back again and she would be left with nothing. If she told him, he could laugh at her, or worse, he could pity her because he would never be able to feel love for someone like her. He would give her a sad smile and tell her that he only thought of her as a friend, or worse, a little sister. Whatever he said would surely break her heart, leaving her alone and broken.

She did not want that.

She didn't want to risk getting hurt, but then…

According to what the Queen of Atlantis had said, she was going to die. She could choose not to use the Heart, but then Dornkirk would win. She would never allow Gaea to fall in the hands of Zaibach. She had no choice but to sacrifice herself. Besides, Van would die if she didn't use the Heart. Then again, he could die if she used it, too. The way she saw it, they were going to die anyways. She ran faster, trying to get away from her thoughts, from her destiny. She didn't want to die. She had always thought she would grow up and marry the perfect man and have lots of kids. Her father would die of age, and then she would take Kansaki's thrown. She would have a peaceful life, probably at Allen's side. With time, she would end up loving him, and she would live with a comfortable happiness. Now everything was different, and even if she had a chance of surviving this war, she would not be able to settle down with Allen and live happily. Not after all that had happened. Not after meeting Van. She loved him with a passion she hadn't known existed inside of her. The times she had been able to be with him and forget everything else, she had been utterly and completely happy. To marry Allen would be torture, but it was something safe. To go to Van and tell him how she felt wasn't.

Telling her feelings to Van would be a mistake.

She did not want to make a mistake, and yet…if she didn't tell him, she would forever be a coward. Hitomi Kansaki was no coward. And about risking her heart…if she couldn't risk it now that she knew that there was no tomorrow, then she would never be able to do it. She was giving the inhabitants of Gaea her life. She only wanted to be with Van for the time she had left. She wanted to give her heart to him. It was not much to ask. It was actually very reasonable. She only had to find the courage to tell him.

'You have traveled with a mercenary, became friends with him, trusted him with your life and fallen blindly in love with him.'

Oh the joy! The voice in her head had returned to add more trouble to her life.

'I didn't get hurt in any of it. In fact, it did me good.'

'Oh, really? You didn't get hurt when he was mean to you? You didn't get hurt when you refused to answer Dilandu's questions about him?'

'He was just confused. He had found out that all he believed in was a lie! And Dilandu's thing wasn't his fault.'

'You are defending him. He had no right to hurt you. You were protecting him when Dilandu tortured you. Can't you see?'

'See what?'

'See that you have been risking your heart and self ever since the first time you saw him. You didn't yell for him when he was trying to hurt you. You let yourself fall for him even when you knew who she was. You tried to hate him, but deep down you always loved him. Why not risk yourself now? You have done so much for him, it can't hurt that much.'

'It will.'

'Why?'

'It hurts to love him and not have him. Still, I can still hope because he hasn't told me that he doesn't love me. The moment I tell him the way I feel, my hopes will be crushed.'

'Maybe they won't.'

'He doesn't love me.'

'He hasn't said so.'

'He said I was just a friend.'

'It could be a lie.'

'No, Van would never lie to me about that.' Would he not?

'You have lied to him about your feelings. Why wouldn't he? You both have the same responsibilities. You both have a lot to lose.'

'He doesn't have friends to disappoint. He is not responsible for a whole kingdom.'

'He has a kingdom and a family to avenge. He has to solve his issues with Dornkirk. Over all, he has to prove to you and all who know who he is that he has changed. That he is not the man he used to be. He has to prove himself, and he promised to rebuild Fanelia. He has a lot to lose.'

'But…'

'What are you worried about? What could possibly go worse? You are not even sure you are going to live to regret your decision.'

'I…'

'Time to make up your mind.'

Deliver me, out of my sadness.
Deliver me, from all of the madness.
Deliver me, courage to guide me.
Deliver me, strength from inside me.

She looked up and gasped. She had not expected to find him like this. He looked so…perfect, angelical, untouchable, gorgeous, and so far from her. He was unreal. She had never seen anyone look as handsome as he did. His tan chest was illuminated by the moonlight. His muscles shined under it, looking so strong. His head was turned towards the sky, his eyes closed. His hands were formed into fists, and she could see that he was putting all the force in his body in that one move.

All of my life I've been in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.

And then she noticed what she hadn't before.

His wings.

His beautiful white wings.

The wings of an angel.

Her angel.

Her Van Fanel.

Her draconian.

Her everything.

Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.

They were huge. The one time she had seen them, she hadn't noticed how large or breathtaking they were. He hadn't worn them as he did now. That time in the court he had done it to prove that he was Van Fanel, a draconian. She didn't know why he had taken them out now. She really didn't care. The wings made him look like something divine, something that wasn't made for the human eye. He was something that wasn't made for a mere mortal like her. He should fall in love with someone that was as great as him, someone that understood him more that her, someone from his world.

Deliver me, loving and caring.
Deliver me, giving and sharing.
Deliver me, the cross that I'm bearing.

Still, she couldn't help but want him for herself. She had never met someone that looked so angelical and was the contrary. She had never met someone that drove her insane and at the same time was necessary for her. She had never stumbled into someone that could make her whole body melt and her heart scream in joy. She had never met someone like Van. She hadn't lived until her eyes had laid on him.

All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.

All of a sudden, she couldn't let him go. She couldn't just walk away from him and not tell him how she felt. She had to take the risk, just like she had done back in that small town, when she had first trusted him completely. This was the same. She just had to decide if she would jump or not.

Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.

Slowly, she put one foot in the water. It was cold around her, but she didn't care. She walked. Each step took her closer to him. The water was a little under her waist. She kept walking. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw his face. From the place she had watched him, he hadn't look that…sad. A small, sad smile adorned his face, making him look melancholic. Hitomi felt like crying for him.

'Don't waste your tears.' She wanted to tell him. 'I'll do it for you.'

His sad smile turned into a bitter one and he opened his eyes.

'Don't think disturbing thoughts.' She thought. 'I'll do it for you if you only smile for joy, just once.'

She finally reached him. He hadn't noticed her presence.

"Whatever you are thinking about, stop."

Her voice was soft but determined. She wanted him to look at her, but he just wouldn't look down. He kept his eyes towards the sky. She wanted his hazel eyes to see her. She wanted to be the only thing he saw. She was envious of the stars. They seemed to deserve his attention, unlike her. Hitomi wondered if this was such a great idea. Maybe she had chosen the wrong decision. She could still turn back…her body betrayed her, and her hands went towards his fists. Carefully, she undid them. His hands were rough against her soft ones. She wanted to feel his hands on her skin. His hands were bleeding a little. The fool, could he not behave when she wasn't around? She brought his palms towards her lips. She kissed them softly.

"Don't hurt yourself. Don't you know you hurt me too?"

He looked down.

Her moment of turning away ended. She would never be able to draw herself from his eyes. They bore into her with such an intensity Hitomi felt like she would fall. Her knees were sure to melt above her.

Silence.

Hitomi was too wrapped in his eyes to form a coherent word, let alone a sentence. Van couldn't believe what was happening.

"What?" He finally asked her. His eyes were full of confusion, of fear, of hurt, and of something else. Hitomi wanted to find the secret that he hid in those eyes. The thing he didn't let her see.

All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.

"Don't hurt yourself. You hurt me too." She repeated. Her voice trembled a little. She had messed up. She had done it this time.

"What?"

Hitomi would have laughed if she hadn't been so scared. It seemed like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. It was normal. She couldn't believe what she was about to say.

"I don't want you to hurt. I don't want you to suffer anymore. I want you to enjoy life. I want all your problems to fade away, all of your concerns to disappear. Van…"

She couldn't do it. She was a coward. She couldn't tell him she loved him. Rejection would be too much for her already bleeding heart. There was only so much she could take, and she couldn't take this. Not when he looked so vulnerable. Not when her eyes were locked on his.

"Yes?" His eyes were pleading her to continue. She couldn't say no to his look.

Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.

"I want you to be happy…with me"

She found her strength in her words and looked into his beautiful brown eyes. She wanted him to tell her something, anything. She needed to know how he felt, but he didn't say a thing.

She waited.

And waited.

He didn't speak.

She couldn't take it.

She knew it. He didn't want to be with her. She felt her eyes water and tears fall from her eyes. His silence had been all she needed to convince herself. He didn't love her. He didn't want her. She was just a friend, and she couldn't stay by his side anymore, not like this. She turned and was about to flee when he caught her wrist.

"You are not going anywhere until you explain yourself to me."

He pulled her roughly towards him. There was no gentleness in his touch. There was no warmth in his eyes. Her tears kept falling. She didn't try to hold them. She didn't have the strength anymore. Everything was so wrong!

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I always hoped, even if it was a small hope, that you would love me.

He was angry at her. Perhaps he wouldn't want to be her friend anymore. She had lost him completely thanks to her big mouth. She should have never listened to her heart. It had only gotten her in trouble.

You are forever, completely, totally lost to me.

"Hitomi, explain what you just said."

She turned her eyes from his. She couldn't stand that emotionless expression. She wanted to disappear and never be seen again.

"What is there to explain? It is obvious you did not like what you heard."

"Explain."

The word was spoken roughly, meant to be an order. Suddenly, Hitomi's sadness turned to anger. How dare he break her heart and still have the guts to order her? He just couldn't come into her life and turn it upside down and then throw her emotions away and still order her. She wouldn't have any of it.

"You bastard!" She yelled at him, her hands going into fists, punching him as hard as she could. He didn't do anything to stop her. "You idiot, moron, how dare you? How dare you order me? How dare you break my heart? I open my self to you, and you just throw my feelings back at me!"

"What are you saying?"

"Stop playing games with me!"

"Hitomi…"

But she didn't want to hear him anymore. It was just too much. She had had enough. She needed to tell him how she felt and get this over with. She couldn't hold it inside of her anymore.

"I was satisfied. I had a great fiancé. My whole life was dedicated to my people. I didn't want anything for me. And then you came. You ruined everything! I tried to hate you, I really did, but each day I was with you, it became harder. I started caring about you. You made me feel safe, and you understood me. You didn't judge me like the rest. I could be just me around you. And then I needed you. Somehow, without me noticing, I started to crave for your touch, and I wanted to feel your lips on mine. I wanted you to look at me with love and warmth!" Hitomi had been yelling all this time, but now she looked into his eyes, and slowly whispered. "Don't you understand? I fell for you. You are the only thing I truly want, only you…" She brought her hand to his cheek. He moved his head towards it and closed his eyes.

"I wanted you to love me."

Deliver me

Oh deliver me

Won't you deliver me

And then she felt his lips over hers, and her world got blurry and all that existed was him,

Van…

"I want you to be happy…with me"

Van couldn't believe what he was hearing. It had to be a trick of his mind; Hitomi could not possibly have said what she just had. Maybe she had hit her head or something. He looked disbelievingly at her. He couldn't utter a word. He was petrified, afraid to believe what he most wanted to. His moment of surprise was broken when she turned to run away from him. He suddenly got angry at her.

"You are not going anywhere until you explain yourself to me."

She just couldn't tell him all that stuff and then go away. He would not let her do it. Without any gentleness, he grabbed her wrist and brought her close to him. His eyes locked with hers. He saw her shiver and suddenly felt guilty. He hadn't meant to scare her. He didn't want to hurt her. He loved her, damn it! That is why he kept a cold expression. That is why he didn't show any emotion to her. If this was the product of Atlanti's magic, then he didn't want any of it. He wanted her to love him truly and not because of magic.

"Hitomi, explain what you just meant."

She turned her eyes from him. She didn't want to look at him. He knew it. Hitomi was just confused, and now that she knew what she had said, she regretted it.

"What is there to explain? It is obvious you did not like what you heard."

He got confused. Not like her beautiful words? Not like what he had been waiting for for a long time?

"Explain."

He had to know what she meant. He hadn't meant for the word to sound so cold, but all his emotions were building up inside him, and he didn't want to do something stupid.

Like confess his emotions for her.

Became vulnerable, leaving his heart unguarded to her.

Like it had been in a long time.

She could do whatever she wanted with him.

"You bastard!" She yelled at him, her hands going into fists, punching him as hard as she could. He was to surprise by her outburst to stop her. "You idiot, moron, how dare you? How dare you order me? How dare you break my heart? I open my self to you, and you just throw my feelings back at me!"

"What are you saying?"

"Stop playing games with me!"

"Hitomi…"

He did not understand a thing of what was happening. She had gotten angry without reason and started to hit him, not like it hurt, really. And then she had said that he had broken her heart…

Her heart?

Could it be?

"I wanted you to love me."

Suddenly, Van didn't care if the magic was doing this or if she had hit her head or if it was truly her the one that was talking. It didn't matter. She wanted him to love her. That meant she loved him. That was all he needed. Rapidly, without any warning, he brought her to him, bringing his lips to hers…

He kissed her, softly at first, tastefully, giving her the chance to move away. She didn't. He put one arm on his waits, the other going to her hair. He brought her closer to him, wrapping her with his arms. She was so soft and delicate and small. She fitted right into him; as if they were meant for each other, as if this was right…

She brought her hands to his hair, playing with it. She pulled him closer to her. He deepened the kiss, wanting to have all of her…he felt her smile against his lips, allowing him to do whatever he wanted with her. He brought bought hands towards her waist, tightening the embrace, if it was even possible. They kissed for a long time, until he finally pulled away.

"Van, god, please stay with me. I will do whatever you want. I'll be stronger. I'll be wiser. I'll do anything if you just…"

He kissed her tenderly, shutting her up. He laughed softly.

"Silly Hitomi, always so naïve. I wouldn't change anything about you. You are perfect just the way you are. I…"

He looked into her eyes. They were shinning, waiting, hoping for him to say what she wanted to her.

"I love you, Hitomi"

Hitomi smiled. Her eyes were full of love and warm, and it was all for him. He kissed her again. She didn't object to his wishes.

Heaven, he had found heaven in her lips.

Peace, the peace he wanted had always been with her in his arms.

Love, it had always been in front of him, in one of the countries he used to hate, in her…

He covered her with his wings, kissing her again and again and again.

'I could get use to this.'

Yep, they finally did it. They have confessed their feeling for each other. Now, what could possibly go wrong? Thanks to me, I can assure you a lot of things. But don't think about that now. I hope you have enjoyed this chapter. It certainly was hard for me to write, but I think I did ok. Anyway, I'm sorry for the long wait, but don't worry. I'm already working on the next chapter. It will be…kind of different because they are now happily together, but don't worry, more dark chapters are to come. Actually, if everything goes according to plan, the next chapter will be the last happy chapter, so do enjoy this one. So…review, review, review, and tell me what you think. And all those who have never reviewed better do it now. I wan everyone who reads this story to review and tell me what you think of this chapter. So, please do.