1Cinderpelt limped out of ThunderClan territory, her suitcase dragging along behind her. She sat down on Snakerocks to rest for a few minutes. Something hissed softly behind her. The former ThunderClan medicine cat turned around to see an adder. "Oh great StarClan I'm going to die!" she wailed.
"Hardly!" the adder scoffed, "I'll spare you if you bring me a masochist."
"A masochist?" Cinderpelt mewed, not at all disturbed by the fact that she was talking to a snake, "What the heck is that?"
The adder pulled out a dictionary from the hole in the rocks where it had been hiding. It flipped a few pages then read, "Masochist: noun. Person characterized by masochism."
"Meaning?"
The adder pointed with its tail a little further up on the page. "Masochism: noun. 1. The getting of sexual pleasure from being dominated, mistreated, or hurt physically or otherwise by one's partner."
"Ew," Cinderpelt mewed, "I'm a medicine cat. I can't get laid."
"There's a second definition," the snake replied, "Masochism is also 'the getting of pleasure from being dominated, mistreated, or hurt in some way.' Know anyone like that?"
Cinderpelt thought for a moment. "Well, no one like the first part, but the second one sounds a lot like Firestar. He hurts himself all the time. Is he a masochist?"
"Does he seem to enjoy it?" the adder asked.
"He does it all the time."
"Good enough." The adder slammed the dictionary shut on his tail. "EEOWOOCH!"
"Here, let me look at that," Cinderpelt meowed gently, pulling the adder's bruised tail from the heavy book. "What year dictionary is that, anyways?"
"Er...It's...a 1983 Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary," the adder replied as Cinderpelt started to work on healing its tail, "Why?"
"I've got one of those in my den...I think. Yellowfang used to look up dirty words in it."
The adder nodded. It gazed deep into Cinderpelt's eyes. "Now bring me a masochist!" it demanded. The former medicine cat rushed off to obey.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Firestar gazed proudly at the mice and rabbits scattered about his den. He slit another rabbit's throat with his claws and painted a mural on his den walls. "This is an expression of my feline angst," he meowed. He was absorbed in his work when suddenly Cinderpelt burst into the den.
"Hey...Firestar..." she panted, "Wanna...go...kill...some...more...animals...?"
"I dunno," Firestar replied, "I have more than enough here to finish my art. Besides, if we kill them all today, there won't be any left for the next day, or when I need to freshen up the mural I'm painting."
"Well...how...about...hunting...a...WindClan...patrol...and...roughing...them...up...a...bit?" Cinderpelt asked breathlessly.
Firestar paused, cut open another rabbit, and continued painting. "Let me finish this depiction of Graystripe with a machete wreaking havoc on the other Clans, okay? See? There's you with an AK-47 about to destroy Tigerstar, and there's me...being me."
Cinderpelt remembered that she had left her suitcase in the adder's den and grew nervous. What if that snake gets at my rubber mousie? That's my favorite toy in the world! "Come on, Firestar!" she mewed.
"All right, I'm done!" Firestar licked the blood from his claws. "Let's get that WindClan patrol!"
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"Cinderpelt, I thought we were going to get a WindClan patrol."
"Yes, Firestar, we are."
"But we're not headed for their territory at all! We're going for Snake–"
"I know. Uh...WindClan has invaded our territory as far as Sankerocks! We have to hurry!"
"Those assholes! I'll kill them all!" Firestar paused, then added, "And then I'll paint on the walls with their blood. Nice."
The adder was waiting with his dictionary. Firestar sniffed the air. "I don't smell WindClan..." he murmured.
"Oh, Adder," Cinderpelt meowed, "I have brought you a masochist like you ordered. May I go in peace now?"
"Yes," the adder replied, "And take your bags with you. Come forwards, young masochist!"
Firestar stepped forward. "What do you want of me?" he asked.
"Come into my lair," the adder called, "Come!"
Firestar shrugged and padded into the hole in the rocks. The adder lit a candle for him. Firestar looked around and saw that the den was full of female adders, all of whom were looking hungrily at him. "What's going on?"
"Our leader has arrived!" one adder cried, "Come, great Leader of the Adders!"
"I'm the Leader of Cats, thanks."
"Our bites hurt like the dickens!" one called out to Firestar as the ginger tomcat turned to leave. Firestar zipped back.
"Do tell."
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"CINDERPELT! HELP! THEY'RE GONNA KILL ME! AAAAAAAAH!" Firestar yowled as Cinderpelt padded away.
"Forget it. I'm tired of you and your emo ways, Firestar. No, goodbye. I'm going to be a kittypet with a nice Twoleg family now. You and Cloudtail were right, it is going to be a much easier life."