All right, I understand that the last chapter was a little short. So, my loyal readers (all three or four of you), this one will be extra long! With more of that slapstick humor you either love or are getting really sick of!
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"Guys, I want you to be completely honest with me," said Ribbon. She and the others were all sitting in the plaza outside the pool. "When you got me the weekend here, did you do it for me, or yourselves?"
"Ourselves," Adeleine replied without missing a beat.
Ribbon sighed and rested her head in her hand. "What I meant was, be honest, but be tactful about it."
"Uh. . . I don't know what tactful means," Adeleine confessed.
"Yeah, it shows."
"But Ribbon, you gotta understand we were thinking of you too," Kirby cut in. "Well, a little bit, anyway. I mean, you work so hard, day in and day out. Just this once, you should stop thinking about Crystal Shards and start focusing on having fun a little."
Ribbon just shook her head. "Kirby, I can't do that. With everything we know that's going on with Dark Matter and Ripple Star, I can't just stay here."
"Yeah, we know. That's why we tethered you to Dedede."
"This is what I get for losing a bet," the king muttered, tugging halfheartedly at the cord that was tied to his wrist at on end and Ribbon's on the other.
"Kirby, this is cutting off my circulation," Ribbon whined.
"And so it shall until we prove to you that it's okay to take a weekend off once in a while," Kirby declared.
"Seriously, my hand's turning purple."
"Okay, then, let's get started!"
-----
And so Kirby and the others began leading Ribbon around the hotel, trying to find something that she would enjoy.
"Look, Ribbon, there's a video arcade over there," said Kirby. "Wanna go play some games?"
"No."
"Wanna get some lunch at the restaurant?" said Waddle Dee.
"No."
"Wanna go throw eggs at those rich people?" said Adeleine.
"No!"
"Geez, Ribbon, did you have any friends on Ripple Star?" Kirby asked. "Well, we're all hungry. We'll just be over grabbing a sandwich or something. Feel free to join us when you're ready to stop being a loser."
"Hey! Take me with you!" King Dedede pleaded, pulling desperately at the tether, but Ribbon would not be moved, and the others had already left.
"Pull harder! I want out of this getup too!" Ribbon snapped.
Dedede looked like he wanted to, but then stopped. "Wait a minute. . . no way! This thing's not coming off!"
"Why not?"
"'Cause then you'll just leave, and I'll never hear the end of it."
"Come on, do it. I won't tell Kirby."
"Well, he'll kind of figure it out when he notices we're not tied to each other anymore!"
"Ooh, yeah, good point." Ribbon thought for a moment. "Well, I guess we'd better go after them. If I don't see you guys for over fifteen seconds, it usually means you're getting in trouble."
"Come on, Ribbon, what could have happened in fifteen seconds?"
-----
"What do you mean WADDLE DEE ENTERED A DRINKING CONTEST?"
"Ribbon, relax, he's underage," said Kirby. "This is root beer."
They were in the restaurant, and Waddle Dee was sitting at a table across from a particularly nasty-looking Bronto Burt. Both of them had several frothy mugs of root beer in front of them and were glaring fiercely at each other. There was a very large crowd of people gathered around them, most of them chatting excitedly or cheering for one competitor or the other..
"I'm betting on the pink guy. That little brown dude looks like a wimp," said Adeleine.
"Ad, you're talking about Waddle Dee! And you're supposed to be supporting him!" Kirby said sharply.
"Well, I want to cover my bases."
"On your marks. . . get set. . . GO!" shouted the bartender.
The crowd erupted into excited roars as the two competitors snatched up their first mug, each downing it instantaneously, throwing it aside, and grabbing another one. The bartender scrambled to fill up mug after mug and slam it on the table, only to have it gulped down within seconds. Dozens upon dozens of mugs were emptied and discarded. Finally, after at least five full minutes, the Bronto Burt started looking queasy. He tried to finish the root beer in front of him, but by now he was barely able to sit up. Finally he just tipped over off the chair and fell onto the floor, groaning rather loudly.
"Uh oh," said Kirby, getting up on a chair to get a better look. "Looks like he got non-alcoholic alcohol poisoning."
"YAY! I WON!" Waddle Dee cheered, leaping up onto the table and waving his fists over his head. Kirby, Adeleine, King Dedede, and half of the crowd all whistled and cheered right along with him, whereas Ribbon looked like she would have rather been anywhere else at that moment.
"Congratulations. That'll be two hundred and eighteen dollars," said the bartender, handing the bill to Waddle Dee.
"Uh. . . yeah. . . that goes to my totally rich friend King Dedede."
"Who totally left all his money back on Pop Star," Dedede reminded him.
"Sorry! Can't hear you! Gotta go pee!" Waddle Dee called over his shoulder as he ran off toward the nearest restroom.
"I can't believe him!" Ribbon exclaimed as the crowd began to disperse. "I thought Waddle Dee of all people was smarter than that! Doesn't he know how dangerous drinking contests are?"
"Hey, he won, didn't he?" Kirby said good-naturedly. "Oh yeah, you owe me twenty bucks, Ad."
"Dammit! I thought for sure he was going down after that thirtieth one!" Adeleine said angrily, reluctantly handing Kirby a bill.
"You were betting on him? You're all as bad as he is!" Ribbon cried, making such an angry gesticulation as she did so that she yanked on the tether and caused King Dedede to slap himself in the face.
"Hey, that was funny! Do that again, Ribbon!" Kirby laughed.
"No way. I don't care what you guys want, I'm getting out of here now, and – "
"Ribbon? Hey!" came a voice from behind them. "Are those your friends you were talking about?"
Ribbon and the others turned around as the Bouncy came. . . well. . . bouncing. . . up to meet them.
"Oh, yeah," said Ribbon. "Guys, this is Celia."
"Hey," said Kirby.
"Yo," said Adeleine.
"Pleasure," said Dedede.
"Nice to meet you guys. Wow, Ribbon, I've been looking all over for you. There's some big news going around, and. . . uh. . . why are you tied to that penguin?"
"I'd reeeeeally rather not go into it," Ribbon muttered.
"Well, anyway, everybody's getting excited. It turns out that the owner of this place is paying a visit this weekend, and he just arrived."
"The owner?" Kirby repeated.
"Yeah, didn't you know? This is a privately owned and operated hotel," said Celia. "If it belonged to a big chain, I'm sure they wouldn't get away with nearly as many health code violations."
Everybody (except Ribbon, of course) snickered at that.
"I'm not joking! You know, there are rumors floating around that this place has. . . ."
She didn't get to finish, because at that very moment, the various people standing around suddenly exploded into astonished and excited muttering. The crowd started parting to make way for someone.
"That's him!" Celia exclaimed.
"Hello, hello, everyone," came a voice from in the crowd. "Just thought I'd drop by for the weekend. Don't mind me, I'm just visiting – HEY! What are you doing? I just had that dry-cleaned!"
Out of the crowd staggered a middle-aged man of short stature and indeterminate species. He looked like he could have been human, but anyone looking at him would have agreed that Adeleine did a much better job of pulling off the look. He was extremely pale, balding, and wasn't exactly skinny, either.
"Wow! You need to work out, man!" Adeleine remarked upon seeing him. "And get a tan! And incidentally, I saw this really nice toupee place on the way here – "
"Hey! Show a little respect!" Celia snapped at her. "Ribbon, I don't have arms. Smack her for me."
"With pleasure."
The man chuckled. "No, no, it's fine. I don't mind. No need to smack anybody."
"Good! If I get smacked any more today, I'm going to get brain damage!"
"Like you don't have that already," Ribbon muttered.
"Ribbon, and friends of Ribbon," Celia said cordially, "This is Horatio Q. Browning, the owner. He's famous around here. A stunning entrepreneur."
"I hope you're all enjoying yourselves," said Browning. "I worked hard on this place, after all, and I want to make sure that everyone has fun."
"Ribbon's not," Kirby said accusingly. "She's been doing nothing but complain since we got here."
"Would you shut up?" Ribbon hissed, making to smack Kirby, but in the process yanking on the tether and making Dedede slap himself again.
"Ribbon, cut that out," he pleaded.
"You can't make me! I'm in charge here!" Ribbon snapped at him, making him slap himself several more times out of spite.
"Excuse me, miss," Browning cut in, "but sado-masochism is strictly forbidden here."
"THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS!" Ribbon and Dedede shouted together.
"I know, I know. Denial is a natural thing," said Browning. "Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to be off. I've got the whole place to inspect, and frankly, you people are freaking me out."
"We do have that effect on people," Kirby agreed as the owner left.
"Well, that went fabulously," Ribbon said hotly. "Now he thinks we're freaks!"
"But Ribbon, we are freaks," Adeleine reminded her. "You tell us that every ten minutes."
"But other people don't have to know!"
"Hey, Celia," Kirby said quickly, trying to prevent another argument fom breaking out, "what were you saying before he showed up? Some kind of health code violation?"
"Oh, yeah! Well, I don't know this for a fact, but rumor has it that this place has. . . ."
Everyone drew in expectantly.
"A rodent problem."
"A rodent problem?" Adeleine repeated. "Is that it? The way you were talking I thought it was something cool, like a meth lab!"
"What kind of rodents?" Kirby asked.
"I don't know. Nobody's ever seen them, but we hear scuffling inside the walls and things. I suppose it could be rats."
"Aw, there are no rats around here," said Dedede.
At that very moment, Waddle Dee happened to walk out of the bathroom.
"Hey guys! What'd I miss?"
Celia took one look at him and freaked out.
"AAAAAH! GIANT TALKING RAT!" she screamed. "IT WAS RATS! I KNEW IT! QUICK, EVERYBODY, KILL IT! KILL IT!"
Before Ribbon and the others could do anything, everyone else within a hundred-foot radius starting roaring angrily, grabbed the nearest blunt object they could find, ran at Waddle Dee, and started savagely beating him up.
"Waddle Dee!" Adeleine cried, running toward him but unable to get close due to the large number of people surrounding him. She turned back to the others. "Somebody help him!"
"Don't worry! I've got an idea!" Kirby shouted back. He grabbed a chair from the nearest table, climbed on top of it, took a deep breath, and at the top of his lungs, shouted:
"FREE COFFEE!"
Instantaneously, everyone in the crowd started cheering loudly, forgot all about the talking rat, threw their beating objects away, and scrambled into the restaurant. Kirby leapt of the chair just in time to avoid being swallowed up by the crowd and dashed forward to where the others were all gathered around Waddle Dee.
"Are you okay, Waddle Dee?" Adeleine asked worriedly.
"Oh yeah, I'm fine," Waddle Dee replied, albeit weakly. "Just give me a sec until the feeling comes back in my body."
"Kirby, that was an awesome distraction!" Dedede exclaimed. "How'd you know that would work?"
Kirby shrugged and smiled. "That's how all adults are. Didn't you know?"