Final Fantasy's Final Fantasies Presents:

Final Fantasy VI: Ultros' Ordeal - in 5 Acts

ACT I:

Celes was still having trouble trying to figure out the relationship between Terra and Locke. Yes, they had met first, and he saved her and everything, but she wasn't even completely human, for heaven's sake! And her hair was green, too. And what was with that "I can't fight anymore" episode? Terra was weak, she was sure of that, and the thought of Locke spending the rest of his days with that half-esper freak made her very sick indeed.

She knew she herself had some issues, too. She had worked for the Empire, the evil side, and she was probably only General because she had been infused with magic, she hadn't been born with it the way Terra had. Anyway, Celes had spent much more time with Locke. He had saved her, too, after she'd been imprisoned and beaten to a bloody pulp. Didn't that mean anything? She supposed not. She had hoped, long ago, that Locke seeing her in that opera dress might make him swoon, but she hadn't noticed anything. And then Ultros had appeared...again...and everything went downhill from there.

Celes blinked to clear her mind, and stood up in one swift move. That was it! Ultros! Ultros always came through for her...

ACT II:

Relm was swinging her legs as she drew. She was trying to remember all the parts of Ultros she had drawn long ago. She considered Ultros a friend of hers, especially after she tried to draw Kefka that one time and...well, she preferred not to think about that.

Locke was counting the money he had stolen, along with the ruby and the three sapphires. There was something wrong with his eyes- they had a strange gleam to them, Relm thought. But then she reminded herself Locke was a thief and that it was probably natural.

Locke sighed. "Ah, money! Riches! I love my life!"

Relm set down her notebook and brush. "It's annoying to live with a thief! Can't you ever talk about anything besides money?"

Locke cringed. "It's 'treasure hunter', thank you! And no, I can't."

"What about Terra and Celes?"

"What about them?"

"Well, Rachel kicked the bucket ages ago. You don't want to be a bachelor, do you?"

Locke just stared at her.

Relm stood up and headed to the door of the inn. "Well, if you don't choose, pretty soon I'll be grown up, and then you'll end up with me."

As Relm walked out the door, Locke shivered and sank onto the bed. Me and Relm? I would rather fight Kefka a hundred times in a row! ...Terra, hm...

ACT III:

Terra was humming intensely to herself and pacing the airship. Setzer, Edgar, and Cyan were seated, each holding some sort of alcoholic beverage, and watching her. Generally, they were afraid to try and talk to her, because who knew if she would "transform" in a blind rage and esperize all their asses.

In about Terra's 1,000th pace, something shook the airship. Terra stopped moving and shifted her eyes from side to side.

Setzer and the other men stood up, gripping their weapons at their sides.

Another rumble came, and then suddenly the airship's main room was flooded with a burst of water.

Slowly, eerily, a large purple octopus rose from the water, grinning.

"Don't tease the octopus, kids!" the monster laughed.

"Ultros!" everyone cried except for Terra.

Terra put her hand to her mouth and bit her thumbnail. That damn Celes was up to something, she knew.

"Just stay back, all you folks!" Ultros cried. "I am only here to see Terra."

Everyone looked about uncertainly, but Terra stood her ground and glared. "That Chere woman put you up to this. What's she thinking?"

Ultros laughed and waved his tentacles around. "That's strictly between her and myself!" He shot one tentacle out and smacked Terra upside the head.

Terra, once she regained her composure, stepped back and then cast regen, a wall, and a barrier around herself, but they didn't really help. Ultros smacked her around good, and soon she was on the floor of the airship, heaving.

"Well, Terra, this looks like the end for you!" Ultros laughed.

But Ultros' octopus laugh was overpowered by a new, higher, much more maniacal laugh.

Kefka had suddenly appeared!

"Well, well, well! I have found your airship at last, you fools! Mweeheeheeheehee!"

Ultros growled at Kefka. "Go away. Can't you see I'm busy?"

Kefka kept laughing. "I will kill you all, one by one! I...er...where's Locke? And that other girl? And- ahh!" Kefka cried and put his hands to head as something hit it.

Everyone turned and saw Locke, standing on the stair rail, holding a handful of ninja stars and some sharp rocks.

"You!" Kefka roared.

Locke threw a rock at him. "Go away! I'm having some personal issues, all right? I don't have time to waste with you right now!"

Kefka was cowering. "Hah! I will just poison the world again!"

"That didn't work the first time, and it won't work now," Terra snapped.

"We'll just see about that!" Kefka laughed once more, and then disappeared.

ACT IV:

Locke remembered what he had thought about after Relm had threatened to be his girl when she grew up, about how he would rather fight Kefka one hundred times. And, oh, he meant it. But when Kefka had appeared, he hadn't been able to concentrate enough. He had to talk with Terra and Celes both.

Suddenly, Ultros appeared behind him.

"Problems?" the octopus asked.

Locke sighed. "Relm gave me a nightmare. I don't want to end up with her. I would rather die, I think."

Ultros nodded. "That's fine. I like Relm, anyway. But we're not talking about me, are we? I have a problem, Locke. Celes wants me to kill Terra."

Locke's brows rose. "Why?"

"She doesn't want you to end up with Terra. Celes...she's in love with you."

Locke rolled his eyes. "So that's why you came."

Ultros looked down sadly. "Yes, but...I don't really want to kill her. Not that I care about Terra, but it would make Relm sad."

"Relm is a child, and a human," Locke pointed out. "But anyway, I can see your predicament."

"Well," Ultros went on, "Terra has green hair, and I have always been partial to that color on a woman."

"Ultros, stop weirding me out. And don't worry, we'll figure out a way to defeat Kefka and make everybody happy." Locke smiled broadly. "Are you with me?"

Locke and Ultros high-fived/tentacled each other.

ACT V:

Terra ran forward and jump-kicked Celes in the chest, knocking her to the floor.

Celes spat and struggled to her feet. "When did you learn that? I'm the one that knows how to fight!"

"Ultros taught me," Terra said smugly.

Celes glowered.

"And that kick was for you trying to kill me!"

Celes gasped. "I never! Ultros was the one who tried to kill you, not me."

"I'm not a complete idiot, Chere." Terra stood firm. "Why do you want to kill me?"

"Tch! I didn't necessarily tell Ultros to kill you... It was more of a 'put her out of commission for a good long while' sort of situation."

Terra raised her arms to begin a silent incantation. "I want to know why!"

Celes drew her sword and got into a fighting stance. "My magic is just as strong as yours...and I am a master of the blade. Just try and stop me- just try! Ahahaha!" She leaped forward and swung, but Terra lit the sword on fire for a minute and Celes ended up dropping it in surprise.

"You...! It's you, Terra!" Celes snarled, picking up her sword. "You can't be with Locke, I won't let you!"

Terra stared back and then sighed, putting her arms down. "Good grief. The great Celes Chere, fighting over a man..."

"Not just a 'man'! Locke, I tell you! He's-"

But Celes and Terra were interrupted by a burst of water which carried them from one end of the airship to the other.

Locke and Ultros were standing on the steps that led to the bridge, arms and tentacles folded.

"See here, ladies," Locke said. "I was doing fine until I got a good kick of reality in the gizzard the other day. I was threatened by Relm, for god's sake! Relm! I told myself I would rather fight Kefka one hundred times in a row than end up with her, and I meant it. But since nobody can seem to get along, I think it's best if I just go after Kefka alone, and you two can duke it out. But Ultros here will referee. Toodle-pip!" In a flash, Locke was gone.

In the end, Locke tracked down Kefka, fought him off and on about sixty-four times over the course of two years, and finally managed to defeat him. With that out of the way, Locke returned to Narshe where his companions had been staying, only to find Ultros had given up and killed everyone.

Except Relm.

So Locke ran away again, never to be heard from in that generation. But he still lives in Legend. And one day, in the middle of the night when a full moon is high, in a pumpkin patch somewhere, He will Rise Again...

The End

A few points:

1. Ultros and Relm do become friends in the game, but I do not necessarily condone child-octopus relationships.