CULLEN

It was growing more and more difficult to trust that I was truly in Skyhold and not still stuck in the magical cage of Kinloch Hold each time I woke from my nightmares. As time stretched on, I began avoiding sleep at all cost. As with most mornings as of late, I sat at my desk, working through the piles of paperwork, missives, and orders that had sat upon it from dusk until dawn.
A knock sounded upon the door, Sela coming in with a breakfast tray. I did not miss the look of concern that flit across her face before she regained her composure. Too many mornings she found me here, just where she'd left me the night before as we'd gone through our daily debriefings. She sat the tray upon the small table where Meira and I had enjoyed our meals together before coming to stand at attention.

"Yes?"

"Ser Barris and Ser Amell returned with the battalion roughly an hour ago, Commander," she informed me, "Sister Nightingale and Ambassador Montilyet have called a meeting and request your presence."

"When is it?"

"In an half hour, ser."

"Thank you, Sela," I handed her a stack of the completed orders. "See these to the quartermaster, if you would."

"Aye, ser," she nodded as she took them. She turned to leave, but I heard her footsteps pause before she reached the door. "Ser?"

I raised my gaze to find that concerned look on her face once more. "Yes?"

She shifted uncomfortably before returning to the desk. "Ser…I've been hesitant to say anything as the mistakes before have been minor and I've taken it upon myself to correct them as Sister Nightingale and the Ambassador instructed me to do. This, however, ser…"

Raising a brow, I took the outstretch parchment. I read back over the order and then realized. I had signed off on a request that was nearly triple what was needed. It would have cost us a substantial amount of gold. Either someone was trying to make extra coin unnoticed or it had been a mistake on the requester's part, but either way the fault would have laid with me. How could I have overlooked this? My ears burned with shame as Sela's words sunk in: this had not been the first time such a mistake had been made on my part. "I see."

"We all make mistakes, Commander," she offered. Silence sat between us for a moment before she spoke again. "Is…everything okay, ser?"

I rose, putting my back to her as I knew I could no longer answer that question without lying. "Just…much on my mind. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will ensure such mistakes do not occur in the future."

"A-Aye, ser." I kept my back to her until I heard the door open and close.

My eyes went to the little box on my bookshelf. Was my mind slipping away bit by bit? Was it doing so and I didn't even notice? Lyrium would eventually burn it all away, but for the now? My mind would be clearer, sharper and free of old nightmares. How many mistakes would I allow myself to make before putting my duty before my desires?
This mistake would have cost only gold, what about the next time? Would it be lives? How many lives would I expend before submitting to my duty? Yes, I'd decided to request a replacement, but how soon could one be found? How many mistakes would I make before then?
I walked towards the bookshelf, hand outstretched. Something caused me to pause and I noticed my hand shaking. Curling it into a fist, I tore away from the box and out the door.

Standing within the War Room, I had to fight to keep my mind on the current task. My thoughts kept turning to the past, the pain from withdrawal nearing the unbearable. Barris and Solana were recounting all that had occurred since their departure and return, asking what the battalion could do to serve while Meira was away and with all of us being required at the Winter Palace in a few weeks.
The Inquisitor had sent ahead instructions-approved by Meira-for the battalion to be sent after the Red Templars and Venatori once solid intel had been received in regards to their locations. This solid intel would be gained via Elizabeth and Fenris. Fenris had sent a coded message to Leliana informing her of his success in locating the Venatori. He would return to Skyhold to lead groups of the battalion back to take them out.
Elizabeth was given permission to reestablish where the Red Templars were located, but only after Dagna had fashioned a way to track her. The dwarf stood before us and I only half listened as she explained the device she had created: a ring Elizabeth would not be able to remove once placed and corresponding marker that would move of its own volition on our map. Crafted of lyrium, Dagna's own genius and enchantment, it was truly something to behold. With that in place, Elizabeth would depart the following morning and I had to admit a sense of relief that we would finally be making progress in tracking down Samson. I'd had a lingering feeling of unease for weeks.

"A letter for you, Commander," Josephine stated from behind me as I'd begun to leave the room, the meeting concluded.

Turning, she held out a folded piece of parchment. "Why are you giving it to me directly?"

Her full mouth twitched with a smile. "The King of Fereldan is…peculiar for a noble."

Quirking a brow, I took the letter and read over it:

You know, I thought I said to dispense with this whole "king" nonsense. I understand there's certain protocol and other ridiculous pomp I suppose one must follow when their overly valued hindquarters warm a throne, but really Rutherford you can write me a letter yourself. Last I checked that isn't a crime—and I should know as I am the chief lawmaker. Of course your request is granted, though I'll add one better and station some of my own soldiers in the area to help ease the burden placed upon your Inquisition.

Alistair

"Not peculiar, Lady Ambassador, just humble," I snorted.

"In some ways it is refreshing," she chuckled before pausing for a moment. "I…noticed you were a bit distracted. You hardly reacted when Leliana mentioned that Alistair believes there are Venatori within his castle walls. A belief that has been verified by Hawke's other contact."

"Leliana seems to have the situation well in hand," I offered.

Josephine's dark eyes flicked over me. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine," I assured.

"I do hope your Talitha returns soon. Along with the Inquisitor. Skyhold is a bit empty without them."

"Indeed," I nodded. "If you would excuse me."

"Of course."

Needing a distraction—anything—I worked my way out of the main castle to the outer grounds. From the stairs, I spotted a large carriage coming in through the main gate. Puzzled for a moment, I vaguely recalled Leliana mentioning that Elizabeth's family was due to arrive. Not wanting to deal with any nobility beyond the letter from Alistair, I hurried my way to the now completed tower for the templars to ensure that Ser Barris was satisfied with the arrangements. As I approached the door to the tower, my stomach dropped.

"Wilhelm! Wilhelm stop!" Barris shouted.

"Wilhelm!" Trevelyan's voice urged.

"I need it!" Wilhelm's maddened voice retorted.

I heard a commotion on the other side, grunts and noises of protest. Shouldering my way in, I froze. Lyrium was all over the floor, philters broken and scattered about, but many—too many—were empty. Wilhelm was like an animal, snarling at the two men as he lapped at the lyrium upon the floor and in his hands.
Blood was mingled with the lyrium dripping from his chin, cuts in his lips from the cracked glass of the philter. It was as if my nightmares had come to life, all those times of watching my addiction take on a bestial form.
For a moment, I felt my grip on reality slip completely and I no longer knew if any of this were real or it was simply a complex illusion made by the demon—that I was still stuck in that magical cage. I stood, frozen, and watched as Barris and Trevelyan wrestled with Wilhelm to keep him away from what remained of the fresh supply of philters. I heard quick steps on the stones behind me, felt as someone rushed past to see Bethany's raven hair.

"By the Maker," she breathed, "I was caught up with another patient, only a few minutes late for my daily check-in with him."

"What do you mean 'daily check-in'?" Henry Trevelyan demanded. "Do you know why he's acting like this?"

Though I still stood frozen, doubting everything, I spoke: "He wanted to walk away. From the Order…from lyrium. He was addicted and knew…he wanted to stop before he could not."

"And you agreed to this, Commander?" Barris growled. "Look at the man!"

Shame, regret and the overwhelming feeling that this would be my end as well, I did look upon Wilhelm. The younger man was crazed. It was easy enough to tell he had taken too much.
The weeks of successful withdrawal had drained what had been within his veins, but the thirst…the thirst had grown insatiable. Just as I knew mine would be. If I start taking it again…will this be me? Bethany touched Wilhelm's forehead causing him to go unconscious. I prayed he would not wake up to feel the painful death that awaited him.

"I no longer take it," I murmured over the pathetic whimpers Wilhelm released before completely succumbing to the lack of consciousness.

The two men looked at me, eyebrows raised. Henry spoke first. "How long?"

"It's been nearly a year now. I stopped when I joined the Inquisition."

"And you…haven't gone mad?"

"As far as I can tell."

"This is lunacy," Barris snarled. "No one has ever successfully ended their lyrium use! You may have chosen that path for yourself, but why in the Maker's name would you ask another to follow your path?"

"I didn't ask," I shook my head. "He chose."

"And he fully understood what could happen?"

"Yes. He attacked a mage in a frantic search for more than his ration. Ashamed, he wanted a way out. I told him it was possible, but not easy." I looked to Wilhelm upon the floor: bloody and broken. "I tried to give him hope."

"He needed more than hope," Barris murmured. "He needed a purpose."

Silence fell for a moment. Bethany's brown eyes looked up to us. "What's going to happen now? He's taken more than—"

"—More than any man can handle," Barris finished for her. "Unless the Maker's will be in this, he will die." His green eyes burned into mine. "And it will be agony."

Ignoring the man's obvious rage, I stooped to pick Wilhelm up. He'd lost so much weight. "I will carry him back to his quarters, Bethany. Do what you can to make him comfortable. I will stay with him…until the end."

Leaving the room, feeling their eyes upon me and guilt resting heavily upon my shoulders, I carried him to his room. Bethany did what she could for him before leaving. I ignored all attempts of her trying to comfort me until she gave up. I sat upon a stool, staring at nothing waiting for Wilhelm's breathing to cease.
Was this a cruel joke from the demon? From the Maker? I'd already been made to endure the death of another Wilhelm I'd come to value as a friend, lost to a demon of a different kind. When I'd spoken with him candidly about it all, I'd been so assured as he'd seemed resolute. I looked over his thin frame, sunken eyes and bloodied lips. My stomach flipped with guilt.

"Oh, Maker," I prayed, not knowing what else to say as tears streamed down my face of their own accord.

I heard the door creak open behind me, but I did not turn. A gentle hand rested on my shoulder, but I turned away. "You've nothing to be ashamed of, Cullen. Nor to feel guilty about. I spoke with the boy many times. I assure you, in his lucid moments, there was nothing he wanted more than to be free of this." It was Mother Giselle's gentle voice. "I fear…he had much to face."

"How can I not feel guilt?" I breathed. "Did I not lead him down this path?"

"Perhaps you were the instrument the Maker used, but this was the path he was meant to walk. Just as you are meant to walk yours."

"And if I feel the Maker is telling me to take it again? What of that?" I growled.

"Is it the Maker? Or you?"

I looked to Wilhelm once more. "I hardly know."

"The Maker would not leave you in doubt."

"And If I chose this for selfish reasons and continue to do so? That it was never the Maker, but my own desire? That I must take it again to fulfill my duties here?"

"Did you?"

My gaze burned. "I…perhaps I convinced myself it was for noble reasons. Righteous reasons. I've deluded myself before."

"And when you look at Wilhelm? The other templars? Do you see no merit in it?"

I was silent for a time. "But what if there is no freedom from it?"

"But what if there is?"

I was overwhelmed with thoughts of a future. Beyond the Order, beyond the Inquisition, beyond the now. A future free and bright and colorful. Untainted, unknown. A future all my own to be shaped and molded and filled with Meira at my side. What future would we make?
There would be nothing with lyrium. Ash on a wind, nothing more. I would free her from me, I would owe her that much. Anger, hot and powerful, burned in my gut. Was there nothing lyrium would not take from me? I looked to Wilhelm, thought of my own struggle. What of this is good? What of this does not stink of corruption? Of control?
Blessed are they who stand before the corrupt and the wicked and do not falter. Blessed are the peacekeepers, the champions of the just.
 That prayer, that verse no longer held the same meaning it once had. The corrupt and the wicked were no longer mages, but the Chantry and its wielding of lyrium. Alongside them, the true evils of this world. The peacekeepers no longer the Order, but the Inquisition. Perhaps at its core, stopping lyrium had been for selfish reasons, but could not the Maker use my mistake to his will?
Giselle's eyes were heavy upon me as I thought through it all. A small smile ghosted her lips before she went to Wilhelm's side and began to pray over him. The door slammed open behind us, causing us both to jump. I relaxed the grip on my sword hilt as I realized it was Bethany and Elizabeth. Elizabeth was hidden beneath a hood, but wrenched it off her head as soon as she was in the room.

"What are y—"

"Hush, Cullen," Bethany instructed. "I want to know if she can help."

"How—"

Suddenly, Wilhelm began screaming in agony. I looked to Elizabeth, her eyes closed and face contorted in concentration. Wilhelm's screams grew, his body twitching until he leaned over the side of the bed and began vomiting upon the floor. He continued to vomit until there was nothing left in his stomach. Sweat beaded upon his forehead and chills racked his body as he sank against the bed once more.

Bethany summoned her healing magic to check him over before sighing with relief as she looked to Elizabeth. "It worked."

Elizabeth panted, sweat running down her face. "Thank the Maker."

"What worked?" I demanded. "What did you do?"

Bethany's brown eyes met mine. "It was a mad thought, but I believed if death were his only outcome, it was worth a try."

"Let's skip over the noble bits, shall we?" Elizabeth chuckled. "You'd overheard Cassandra and the Inquisitor speaking about Seekers. Pentaghast mentioned Seeker abilities - one of them being the ability to set the lyrium within a templar aflame. You wondered, given Wilhelm's ingestion to be fresh, if doing so would cause him to vomit the majority of it up before it could be absorbed into his body. Your theory seemed to work."

"Only time will tell, but I can sense that the majority of it is out of his system." Bethany's gaze shifted to me once more. "Death is not our only option."

"Thank the Maker, indeed," Giselle smiled. "In this, hope is not lost."

Elizabeth let out a sigh. "Alas, back to my humble quart—."

"—Commander!" A templar shouted as he shouldered his way into the room. "It's Barris, ser. There was a disturbance in the dungeons. The Red Templars are dead, ser. The mage, Ella and the mages from the Plains. It seems Ella convinced them to take justice into their own hands. They tried to escape after, but Barris and Trevelyan are trying to reason with them. Things have gone sour, ser. They fear an abomination."

Standing at the word 'abomination', I looked to Bethany.

"Ella," she murmured, worry on her brow. She looked to Wilhelm and then the door.

Mother Giselle took Bethany's hand. "Go, child, I will take care of him."

Departing, we all followed the templar. It was getting late, dusk falling. Boots pounding against the stone of the barracks, taking the stairs two at a time and tearing across the lower Bailey, we saw them. Barris and few others ringed Ella, blocking her way out. With her stood the mages Barris and Solana had escorted back from the Plains. A templar was injured, armor burned and cracked, the webbing of lightning leaving its mark upon the metal and their skin. Fiona stood among the templars, as did Alain.

"Ella, please!" Alain begged. "Don't do this!"

Ella's gaze turned fierce, a malice in them. "Of all people, Alain, you should understand." She jabbed a hand at the mages from the Plains. "They too were from Kirkwall. Suffered at the hands of some of those Red Templars. They understood. Helped me, gladly."

"You slaughtered them, Ella! Like animals!"

"They deserved it! Karras most of all. And by the Maker did I make him suffer. Begging for his life. Pathetic! How many did he make suffer? How many cries for mercy did he ignore?" A cruel smile played on her lips. "I tore him apart, bit by bit, making sure he felt every moment of it."

"Ella, please, I know you've been upset, but this…this isn't you," Bethany pleaded. "This isn't the way to solve things."

"'Solve things'?" She spit. "There is no solving things! We took our justice and what do we get? A holy smite. As if the templars are holy. No! Nothing but rotting, disease ridden abusers. Monsters. There is no solution. It will always be mages and templars at war with each other. You will not have them." Her eyes landed on me, full of hatred. "There will never be peace."

Out of her robes she produced a dagger. Knowing what was coming, I tried to reach for the lyrium in my blood. Tried to use my abilities. But just as all the other times, I failed. I opened my mouth to warn the others, but I froze. My skull pounded as it began to fracture apart, the seams of my mind unraveling as the demon's breathy laugh sounded in my ears.
As if time itself had slowed, I watched the dagger descend into her flesh. But it was not Ella, but Uldred and his acolytes before me. Not Skyhold, but Kinloch. Not Barris and the others beside me, but Wilhelm. Beval. Farris. Annlise. My friends dying around me, ripped apart by waking nightmares. Roars and screams echoed in my mind. I watched as Wilhelm became an abomination. Screamed as Beval was slaughtered by blood magic. Wept as Farris was cut down by Shades. Saw the tears upon Annlise's cheeks as I held her in my arms, watching her open chest cease to move.

"Commander!" Barris shouted again, his voice distant. "We need more soldiers!"

I tried to respond, but I was stuck—stuck in the past. I heard more roars and I didn't know if it was Ella or my waking nightmare.

A firm hand shook me. For a moment all I saw was Uldred. It was Henry Trevelyan. "Come on, Cullen," he murmured, "Push past it. We need more soldiers or we're going to lose a lot of templars."

Blinking a few times, I nodded. Shouting at a nearby recruit to wake the soldiers who'd been trained like templars, I unsheathed my sword and shield. Ella had given herself over to a demon, the grotesque abomination raging before us no longer resembling anything but a monster. A few templars and soldiers lay dead at its feet.
But it wasn't a monster. It was Ella. Twisted and corrupted by her fear, hate and rage. For Rage was the demon she'd entertained as the abomination began to burn that same molten flame. Fire spewed forth from its mouth as the swords of the templars alighted with the white light of their abilities. Smites, purges, cleanses all hit the abomination and murderous mages. Spells of fire, ice, lightning answered. Mages and Templars. Metal and magic. Would it never end?
Templars and mages fell. Ella roared. I tired once more to grasp the lyrium in my blood. She had to be stopped before she tore her way through Skyhold. More soldiers arrived, more fell. Barris led the templars true.

"What's going on?" Solana's voice sounded behind me.

I turned to find her on fire, dual swords of molten flame in her hands. "Abomination."

A smirk twisted her lips. "Hardly. In complete control."

"Not you," I growled, "Ella."

"Who's Ella?"

"Lost now," I murmured before turning back to Ella. "We have to put an end to her."

Solana said no more, but instead charged into action. I searched for Alain and Bethany, finding them defending some soldiers from Ella. They had many opportunities to wound her, but they refused. I felt for them, but her death was inevitable now. She was lost in her possession being wielded as a weapon by the demon within. If only Meira were here, perhaps…

"Alain! Bethany! Assist Solana!" I ordered.

Their eyes met mine, tears in them. Bravely, they nodded. Solana kept the abomination distracted as Bethany and Alain flanked it. Bethany summoned a spear of ice just as Alain did. Looking to each other, they nodded before thrusting their spears into Ella's sides.
The creature unleashed a guttural wail of pain as it was encased in ice. The ice of their spears turned black. Once Ella was frozen, Elizabeth, Barris and Trevelyan used their abilities to end it. The ice shattering apart, the abomination fell to the ground dead. When she fell, the few remaining mages surrendered.

"What in the Maker's name we're you thinking?" Solana raged at them. "We give you a second chance, Lieutenant-Commander Talitha vouches for you and you thank us—thank her—by committing murder, killing templars and soldiers and turning to blood magic and demons! Again! I know the Lieutenant-Commander wanted to give you a chance, but after this…no. You'll get what you feared because you chose this path. Imprisonment until the Inquisitor returns to decide your fate."

"But please, so many of us had suffered at their hands. We couldn't stand the thought of them alive beneath our feet. We were fleeing because we knew it wouldn't be accepted. Your templars tried to stop us. If they'd let us go, none of this would have happened."

"No," Solana barked. "This happened because you chose to take vengeance into your own hands. The were scheduled to die at the Inquisitor's hand upon her return. If you had waited, justice would have been served, not vengeance." Solana gestured around. "Instead, more suffering has been wrought. Wrought upon those who were trying to help you."

"What will the Inquisitor do with us?"

Solana shrugged. "I've no idea, but whatever her decision, you've brought it upon yourselves."

The mage summoned magic into their hands. "I will not stay here to die."

Solana ignited, her fire bursting around her like a small explosion causing the mage to jump back. "Do not test me further. The Inquisitor may be lenient given the circumstances. If you choose to resist, I will kill you here and now." In a show of how serious she was being, Solana burned hotter and brighter, causing me to shield my eyes. "You hurt people I value. Killed others. Sneered at the Lieutenant-Commander's mercy. Surrender or die."

The mage submitted and Solana extinguished her flames. To my surprise, her armor was still in place. Catching my curious gaze as the templars led the mages away, she flashed a smirk. "Dragon hide. Only thing that can handle my fire."

"What in the Void was that, Rutherford?" Elizabeth snapped as she charged at me. "You froze! Didn't even use your abilities!"

Many eyes turned to me. I tried to stand a little taller, to think of an excuse, but nothing came. Henry intervened. "The Commander swore not to use his templar abilities after leaving the Order."

Elizabeth looked over me. "You still froze."

"Lay off, Liz. Last I checked, you were in those cells not an hour ago because you betrayed this Inquisition." Anger laced Henry's voice as he gave his sister a hard stare. "Why didn't you tell me what was happening?"

"You didn't need to know, Henry. Besides, I knew you'd do something stupid."

"As if what you did was any less stupid than anything I would've pulled," he mumbled. "I'm disappointed in you, Lizzy."

"I protected our family and got them to safety. That's all that matters to me."

"You could've done that without betraying the Inquisition."

"Don't judge me, Henry. Not you too."

"Liz, you're my sister. I love you, nothing could change that, but it doesn't change what you did."

"And I'll never stop trying to atone for it."

"That's all we can ask."

"If you'll excuse me," I interrupted, "I need to see to my soldiers."

Henry saluted while Elizabeth nodded. I made a mental note to thank Henry later for covering for me. But Elizabeth was right, I did freeze. I was losing the ability to separate nightmares and memories from reality. How long before I couldn't anymore?
Checking over the soldiers, writing down the names of those we'd lost to write their families and saying a prayer for each before building a pyre for all that had perished. Guilt settling in my chest as I looked to the abomination that had been Ella.
So much anger, pain and hatred. So much like myself. Her darkness made manifest in the abomination. Mine in my want for lyrium. But what clearer testament did I have for my need to start taking it again? I froze…and it cost lives. My worst fear realized, my vows to protect and serve broken. In my pursuit for a new start I had cost good men and women their lives. I had promised myself this would not interfere with my duties as Commander and yet their blood was now on my hands.
That thought haunted me well into the night, even my desk and paperwork unable to distract me. My choices were clear: either take the lyrium or step down as Commander. I knew the option I wanted to take, but it was the selfish choice of the two. I needed to speak with Cassandra, though I knew what she would say.
I kept wrestling with my thoughts until morning was soon to color the sky. It was then the bell signaling the Inquisitor's return sounded. A few days earlier than expected, but I felt a sense of relief. Cassandra would be amongst the Inquisitor's party and perhaps this infernal mental battle could be put to rest. I grew anxious in my wait, expecting the Inquisitor to call a meeting upon her return, but no messenger came.
Pacing the tower, I thought of Meira, what she would say. She wanted me to stay on my current path, that I knew, but would she understand if I explained? Would she tell me to take it again?
Then I stopped my pacing as another thought came: Would the Inquisitor? What if Ellana ordered me to? Would I? Would I not understand? Agree? Would I not demand the same were I in her position?
Unease settled in my gut. Ellana would certainly order me to once she knew what happened. No. Maker, no. I looked to the window, it was still dark. I resolved to seek Cassandra out at dawn. She would find a replacement for me, Ellana would have a reliable commander and I would be free to stay on this course. But with the dawn came Ellana's call for a meeting. Speaking with Cassandra would have to wait.

As I stood in my usual spot within the War Room, I was finding it harder and harder to focus on the conversation the others were having. With every mention of Corypheus, of demons, of possessed Wardens, of the army we were to face at Adamant my resolve was chipped away at.
What right had I to not take it? Didn't my men deserve me at my best, wether I led them or fought beside them? Wasn't one more templar a necessity in what we were going to face?
Then I thought of Ella; would I not need it myself? If I froze in the face of the demons of Adamant, how many more lives would pay for my selfishness? How many lives depended on our success? Did I not swear myself to the Inquisition? Could I really live with myself if I gave it less than I did the Chantry?

"Commander!" Ellana's voice snapped, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I blinked and realized the room was empty save for myself and Ellana. "Forgive me, Inquisitor."

"Would you mind explaining to me what happened not hours ago? An abomination in Skyhold and word is that you froze before it? Had Barris and Henry not been present—for Creators' sakes—if Elizabeth had not been present, that abomination would have torn its way through our stronghold!" Ellana's eyes were blazing. "Explain. Now."

I swallowed thickly. "I have no excuse, Inquisitor."

Her eyes continued to bore into mine. As they did, I noticed the shift in color they had. No longer jade, but a deeper green; the green of the Anchor. "Everyone else has been doing their part. Josephine, Leliana. Fenris returned with locations of the Venatori. Elizabeth going to find the Red Templars. We've all returned from a grueling journey. Talitha and Solas are on their own path in pursuit of help for the female you love. The battalion, the templars, the mages. Void, even the servants! But I come back to hear that my Commander is failing in his duty? Why?!"

I stared at Ellana, seeing Meira and longing for her. But the differences in Ellana—the shift in her eyes—made me think of the demon. The words slipping out before I could stop them: "I thought I could leave the past behind, but it seems I never left Kinloch Hold."

Confusion settled on her face. "Kinloch Hold? Ferelden's Circle Tower? What does that have to do with anything?"

I gave a humorless chuckle. "Everything."

Her anger subsided. "Cullen, what happened at Kinloch Hold? You and Talitha hardly speak of it, yet it seems to be of importance to the both of you. What aren't you telling me?"

I shook my head. "I...I can't."

She was silent a moment before sighing, "I have to speak with Barris and Solana. I want the battalion to divide into smaller teams and go after the Venatori and Red Templars. Talitha has given her approval. Some of the teams can follow Fenris back to the Hissing Wastes, hopefully we'll get a lead on where Calpernia's hiding as Fenris only found cells of Venatori, not their leader herself. The others will await news from Elizabeth before they move on the Red Templars. As for Emprise du Lion and Samson, that I want to see to personally…or have Talitha see to it herself." She looked me over, concern flickering for just a moment. "We will continue this discussion in your office. Give me an hour."

"Yes, Inquisitor," I murmured. I watched her leave before making my way to the armory where Cassandra would no doubt be.

…

"You cannot be serious!" I growled. "After all I've told you, after all you've witnessed, you still believe this is the right course? Still believe I am capable of succeeding in this? Of leading these men and women?"

Cassandra's brow furrowed, her jaw set. I knew that look. There would be no convincing her. She crossed her arms over her chest. "You asked for my opinion, and I've given it. Why would you expect it to change?"

My skin was crawling, head splitting, thirst clawing at my throat. I turned to her, the light from the fire in the forge causing the pain in my head to splinter. "I expect you to keep your word. It's relentless. I can't—"

"—You give yourself too little credit," she pleaded.

I glared at her. Did she not understand? Did she not hear anything that I told her? I was failing. I had failed. My withdrawal, my lack of lyrium had cost people their lives. Had caused me to make mistakes. How could I stand in the place of Commander, look my soldiers in the eyes, knowing I was not giving them my utmost? That I was putting myself before them just as Meredith, just as Greagoir had done? How could I say I was serving the Inquisition by only giving half? "If I'm unable to fulfill what vows I kept, then nothing good has come of this," I begged her to understand, turning away in shame. I turned back to her, anger rising again at her resolute face, "Would you rather save face than admit—"

The door to the armory opened just as I was about to insult Cassandra in a near unforgivable way. A part of me believing she was only pushing for me to stay on as Commander, to continue forgoing lyrium, because she didn't want to be wrong about this—no more than I had wanted to be wrong about Wilhelm. But I knew it wasn't the truth. She wanted this for me as badly as I wanted it for myself, but where I could see the truth of needing to take it again to be worthy of the mantle of Commander, she refused. Believed the mistakes I'd made were not unfixable.
How could she understand? She'd always been an exemplary Seeker and leader. Her conviction had made her leave behind the Order she held dear, to break away from the Chantry she held dearer still, to set the world right. What had I ever done? Followed blindly behind those I believed to be my betters only for them to lead me down dark paths. To stray from the man I wanted to be. I was a coward and a fool.
I was being a coward and a fool once more. To think I could have it all, what a cruel delusion I had believed. I looked to who was joining us, feeling a pit in my gut as I realized it was Ellana. The anger was gone from her face as she looked between the two of us.

I glanced to Cassandra a moment before turning to leave, "Forgive me," I murmured to Ellana as I passed by unable to meet her eyes in guilt as I'd been unable to face her.

"And people say I'm stubborn," I heard Cassandra growl, "This is ridiculous."

Was I being ridiculous? Stubborn? I knew what Cassandra hoped—what they all hoped—to accomplish through me. If I could truly do this it would mean something huge to the Templar Order. It would mean freedom. To no longer be tools chained and wielded as whomever held lyrium saw fit. Cassandra had made that clear in her arguments. That she wanted me to succeed to have the hope that others could succeed as well. That true change could be achieved for the Order. She was looking to the future, to the bigger picture, while I was focused on the now.
Truthfully, I was focused on the past. I couldn't take it any more. From one moment to the next, I didn't know wether I would be in Skyhold or Kinloch or Kirkwall. My mind was coming apart at the seams. Deep down I knew I was looking for an excuse—any excuse—to take it again. Cassandra's relentless stance that I abstain had only made me angry. I'd known it would be what she would say, but hearing the words from her mouth had been a blow. I wanted someone to give me permission, to agree with what I knew to be true.
I should be taking it. No matter how much I didn't want to—no matter how much I did—the crux of it all was that I should be. If I was going to continue to lead the soldiers, to be the Inquisition's Commander, I should be taking it. That is what the Inquisition deserved. Clearly, I was no soldier without it. No longer. I would not be able to lead this army against an army of demons if I froze in the face of the Fade's nightmares. In the face of my own nightmares.
I reached the door to my office, heaving out a sigh as I slowly opened the door. It's weight impossibly heavy as I pushed it open, feeling the oppressiveness of that tiny box before I even reached it. I stood before the bookcase unable to bring myself to look upon the box for a few moments. My mind was a cacophony of conflicting thoughts, so maddeningly out of order until I grabbed the box. All of the noise went silent.
The box like lead in my hands as I carried it to the desk, I put it down and opened the lid. As I'd done a thousand times, I prepared a fresh philter, my mind strangely quiet. Once complete, I went to grab the philter. My hand froze above it, shaking. My entire body began to shake, sweat dripping down my back, my throat absent of any moisture, nausea rolling in my gut. I should be taking it. I should!
 But no matter how much I knew it to be true, I couldn't make my hand pick up the philter and bring it to my lips. My mind began shouting again. The longer my hand hung in the air, the louder the shouting grew.
The screams of my friends as they died in front of me; the screams of the mages in Kirkwall; of the innocent people being cut down by abominations; Meira in the cell, echoes of her screams bleeding from the stones; Wilhelm's bloodied mouth and the lyrium dripping from it; Ella as an abomination; my nightmares of being no more than a wild beast drunk on lyrium; Meredith's maddened cackles; Samson's laughter on the battlefield in Haven as his eyes glowed red; the monstrous roars of the Red Templars. Beneath it all, I heard the laughter of Desire. Mocking me.
Was that not my temptation? Desire once more? I wanted to be free of lyrium. I wanted to have control over my own life. I wanted to know I could be the man, the Commander, I wanted to be without lyrium. But above all, I wanted Meira—and that wasn't possible with lyrium. None of it was possible with lyrium.
As I stared at that box, the truth of it all hit me square in the chest. I never truly had left Kinloch Hold. Had never truly left that magical cage. Not because the demon still held me there, but because I did. I held myself prisoner because of the guilt and shame I felt for wanting. I had wanted much the same as a fresh knight-recruit. I had wanted duty and freedom. It was that want the demon had wielded against me, that the blood mages had wielded against me. They found that secret desire hidden away within my mind and had so corrupted it I could no longer trust myself to want anything and for it to be pure or righteous. They had so corrupted me. And I had never let myself be cleansed of that corruption because I believed their lies. Believed I was what they had twisted me into in those dark hours of endless torture.
The only thing that kept me from utter madness had been a restoration in the call to duty. The demon had made a mistake in using Meira for her in peril had called me back to my original purpose: to protect and serve. But that original purpose had been tainted as well, because instead of protecting and serving her, I'd chosen to protect and serve the Chantry…and myself. I wanted to be free of her, so I'd driven that blade into her gut.
Had I felt guilt and shame in doing so? Yes, but it was dwarfed by my drive to fulfill my duty. So I'd turned to lyrium to drown everything out and fuel that drive. And that drive had driven out everything else. It was so twisted, so corrupted that I was blind to everything until Meredith was staring at me with glowing, red eyes filled with hatred and madness.
Now without the lyrium I was forced to see the man I had been and had allowed myself to become. And I hated him. Hated myself. And it was for that reason I wanted to take it again. I wanted to be the coward once more, blind and deaf to everything. It was the easy path to take. To take the lyrium and drown out everything with it's song. I'd be free of this madness, but I knew…I knew if I took it again I would lose everything else.
I would lose myself, would lose Meira, would lose my family. I would be nothing but a soldier—a templar—mindless and soulless chained to whomever held my lyrium supply. As I stared at that box, allowing myself to finally face the truth, rage unbridled and hot burned in my chest. Burned through every thought, every rationalization to take it again. My chest heaving in breaths, wanting to rage at the very air, I picked the box up and threw it with all my strength.

Breathing hard, the red clearing from my vision, I was shocked to see Ellana standing in the doorway, the shattered box and lyrium at her feet. "Maker's breath, I didn't hear you enter. I—" My voice was shaking. I closed my eyes and took in a steadying breath. "Forgive me."

"I thought you had everything under control. What's going on?"

"It's fine. I'll-" My rage evaporating, the pain of withdrawal came rushing back. I had to grab the desk to keep my knees from buckling completely. "I never meant for this to interfere."

"Interfere with what? Your duties as Commander? Your relationship with Talitha?" Her tone was still angry, but there was concern beneath it as well.

"All of it."

"I believe you," she murmured.

"For whatever good it does. Promises mean nothing if I cannot keep them."

"You're making mistakes, freezing in the face of enemies and you are clearly unwell," she stated matter-of-factly, "We all know it's because you're not taking lyrium. Are you able to handle your duties and continue foregoing lyrium?"

"Yes," I stated, resolutely before the truth came. I lowered my head and sighed.
"I don't know." Feeling her eyes upon me, I straightened. I knew if I spoke of this, there would be no going back. I was desperate for Ellana to be Meira, wanting to confess all of this to her before anyone else. But she had seen it with her own eyes, at least some of it. And Ellana was standing before me weighing my position within the Inquisition. Everything was hanging in the balance and I couldn't keep the truth or the pain in any longer. She wanted to know, therefore she would know. She would know the mire her Commander was plucked out of by Cassandra and how truly unworthy of the title I was. Anger roiled in my gut as I faced a reality I had been unwilling to face: even this the demon-and lyrium-would take from me.
"You asked what happened in Ferelden's Circle." I started breathing heavy as the words came, for with them the memories came as well. Even more vivid and haunting than before. I could feel the cage, smell the blood, feel the blood magic.
"It was taken over by abominations." I reached out a hand to her, begging her to understand, knowing that she wouldn't. "The templars-my friends-were slaughtered." I turned away from her, the hardest truth to admit fighting to stay hidden. What would she think of me? Meira knew, but Ellana? Anyone else? My breath grew shaky. I looked out the slit of a window, desperate for fresh air as the walls closed in around me. I heard the blood mages' laughter, felt as their blades cut into my skin as their foul magic crawled along my bones. The demons' claws raked against my skull. All of it as if I'd never left that cage, never got free of their torment.
"I was tortured." I met her gaze. It was intense, but all air of anger or wrath had evaporated. She stood, listening. My resolve threatening to crumble, I forged on. "They tried to break my mind, and I-" I turned my back to her, shame flooding through me.
Letting out a bitter laugh, I continued: "How can you be the same person after that?" Looking out the window once more, I clenched my jaw. "Still, I wanted to serve." I turned to face her, meeting her eyes.
"They sent me to Kirkwall." My voice was bitter to my own ears and I could feel my hands waving around, but could not stop them. "I trusted my Knight-Commander, and for what?" I let out a snort, glaring out the window. "Her fear of mages ended in madness."
I let out a breath. "Kirkwall's Circle fell. Innocent people died in the streets. Can't you see why I want nothing to do with that life?" I practically spit the last sentence at her, daring her to challenge me. In those words, more of the truth was revealed than what I had intended. Lyrium, the Order, the Chantry had taken so much of me.

She was quiet a moment before crossing her arms over her chest. "Be that as it may, you put your health and your service to the Inquisition at risk."

Were not those the very thoughts I'd had myself? I turned to her, averting my gaze.
"I know." It felt like a blow to hear those words from her. I knew what she would ask of me. Knew what was coming. Knew she thought the same as I. I began to pace before her, my heart racing, saliva pooling in my mouth as if my body knew...knew it was so close to having what it so desperately craved. In desperation, I began to ramble, the words spilling out before I could stop them.
"I thought this would be better-that I would regain some control over my life." I pushed my fingers into my temples as the memories continued to flood my mind. No longer was I in Skyhold, but the tower.
"But these thoughts won't leave me!" I turned away from the cage, back in my office, pacing before Ellana. I could sense her there, but no longer did it seem that we were in the same room. The words kept coming. All my thoughts tumbling out.
"How many lives depend on our success? I swore myself to this cause!" Anger rose hot and fast in my chest, desperation and despair on its heels. "I will not give less to the Inquisition than I did the Chantry. I should be taking it!" As I said those words, as I admitted the truth to the one person who could demand I surrender myself to the chains of lyrium once more, the chains a part of me was clinging to, it felt as if I'd been delivered a fatal blow. I lashed out, feeling my knuckles crush against the hard wood of the bookcase, books tumbling to the floor. My eyes fell on the cover of a book that held a gold-leafed mabari upon it. Meira.
"I should be taking it," I murmured.

I heard a snort from behind me. "So that's it? Things get difficult and you back down? You let lyrium, the past and the Order win?"

Rage lanced through me. Did she not understand? "That's not-"

She sliced a hand through the air as she got in my face, her eyes blazing. "-You've built an army. Are you capable of leading it?"

For so long I had doubted myself, had believed I couldn't, but as Ellana-as the Inquisitor-stared at me with her near glowing eyes, full of a fierceness and resolve that called me to feel the same, a small voice answered her question: Yes. For a moment, I felt all my doubt, my shame, my guilt fade away. I'd made mistakes, but there was one thing lyrium could not change, could not take away: I had chosen the Inquisition. I had chosen to walk away from the Order. I had chosen to stop taking lyrium. Over and over and over again. What was I so afraid of? Failing the men and women I led. Would not stepping down be failing them? Would not choosing lyrium again be failing the templars? Ellana's eyes continued to burn as she waited for an answer. I straightened, "Yes, Inquisitor."

Ellana gave a smirk. "Then carry on as you were. Without the lyrium. Do you need that in writing?"

In disbelief, I nearly laughed. "That won't be necessary." She placed a hand on my shoulder before turning to leave. Watching her back, my mind clearing, I spoke quietly. "I always wanted to be a templar, to protect people. After Kinloch, I served out of fear…and because I was compelled. I thought if I removed the part that kept me chained, I would find my own purpose again, but I…can I truly be free? Can any of us truly be free of the Order...of lyrium?"

Ellana paused at the door before turning back. Her face had softened, nearly kind as she met my gaze. She came close to me once more, her voice soft. "You give enough, Cullen. I won't ask you for more. The Inquisition can be your chance to start over-if you want it to be."

"I don't know if that's possible," I admitted. Could I truly be the man I wanted to be?

Ellana placed a hand on my shoulder once more, her voice earnest: "It is." I sighed heavily. Relief flooding through me even as I knew the road forward would be difficult. Her eyes met mine and held them for a moment before blinking. Clearing her throat, a blush creeping into her cheeks, she stepped back.
"I know we don't agree on everything, but I respect you and could not have asked for a finer Commander to lead our army." She paused a moment. "But in this, Cullen...given what it means to you—to the templars—you have to keep going."

I nodded. "But if I become worse…if I cannot endure this…Inquisitor, y—"

Ellana placed a hand on my chestplate. "—You can."

Her words so adamant, gaze so fierce there was no arguing. I let out a sigh. "Alright."

...

A few days passed where I found myself feeling somewhat improved. My nightmares did not cease, sleep still eluded me and my mind was as loud as ever, but beneath it all I felt a sense of purpose restored. I was standing in the War Room, awaiting the arrival of the others when Ellana entered. She seemed a little surprised to find that only I was inside, but she closed the door and approached the table. An awkward silence descended between us, neither of us knowing where to look or what to say.

Words came to me, words I'd been mulling over since she'd left my office. Clearing my throat, I spoke: "I wanted to thank you...and apologize. When Cassandra sent you to speak with me...I should have handled myself better."

Her eyes met mine. "There's no need to apologize." She looked me over, concern on her face. "Is it always that bad?"

"The pain is nearly constant, but there are days where it is less so," I admitted, "At it's worst...it feels as if I'm back there-at Kinloch Hold, I mean. I've...been pushing myself too far."

She cracked a small smile. "You know, Skyhold won't fall apart if you take an hour for yourself now and then."

I couldn't help the smirk that twisted my mouth. "I'll keep that in mind."

Ellana chuckled. "Really, you don't need to thank me."

I shook my head. "No, I do. Before you, M-Talitha was the only one who knew what truly happened to me and I believed she...understood because of her own experiences. But I...I told you and you...accepted it." Her eyes met mine. "You could have-should have-demanded I be replaced. Or that I start taking lyrium again, but you...you did not."

Her brow knit. "Cullen, taking the role of Commander from you would destroy you and all the progress you've made. You are our Commander. Without that role...you'd be without purpose. Demanding you take lyrium again would be...an act of abhorrent cruelty. I'd be no better than the Chantry, than the Order. And so far as what you've been through...all of us are damaged in some way. Is that reason enough to dismiss your worth? To dismiss all you've accomplished here? What kind of leader would that make me?"

"To put the Inquisition ahead of an individual? A good leader."

"But a great leader takes care of their people. Supports them in their time of need."

I looked away from her. "But I...I put myself ahead of my men."

"You chose to walk away from your former life and start anew here. Any number of our people can say the same. All the while you've been struggling-how much, none of us knew-and you have performed beyond your duty."

"With recent events being the exception."

"I do not expect you to be perfect, Cullen. To demand such a thing would be hypocritical. I have made mistakes. We have all made mistakes. What I expect is for you to be honest about your struggle going forward."

I met her gaze. "But I cannot afford mistakes. After Kinloch…I made countless mistakes because I was blinded by fear and resentment. Each mistake worse than the last. They led to the destruction of so many lives…Meira's included. I am not proud of the man I am, Inquisitor. Walking away from the Order, forgoing lyrium, leading the Inquisition…it was to start over. To atone. But I…I cannot escape the past. Cannot escape the man I became. The man I am."

"The man you were," she corrected, "You can't pretend he never existed, but you're a better man than you give yourself credit for." In surprise, I looked at her. She looked away. "The past isn't always pleasant. Sometimes you have to let go and move on."

"I can't forget what happened," I murmured, "I…don't want to forget, not truly. For better or worse, it led me here. I can make that mean something." She gave a nod, but no other reply. "Anyway, I meant to thank you, not trouble you further. You've enough to worry about. How are you holding up?"

"Honestly, I'm terrified." Again, I was surprised that she admitted as much to me. "So many people depend on us. On me. Corypheus is still out there."

"Corypheus will not elude us forever. We've made great strides. Do not doubt yourself—or the Inquisition—just yet. If there's anything I can do, you have only to ask." I gave her a salute. For the first time since she'd been named Inquisitor, I meant it. I had not doubted her ability to lead, nor had I thought anyone else worthy of the title, but for the first time, I saw in her what everyone else saw: a leader, our Inquisitor. For the first time, I believed she really had been chosen.

She gave a smile. "Thank you, Cullen."

Joesphine and Leliana had entered the room shortly after. Our discussion centered around preparations for the Winter Palace as the ball was quickly approaching. Vivienne had resumed her tutelage much to everyone's ire. Tension was in the air as we knew what was coming; both Halamshiral and the Approach would test the Inquisition as only Corypheus had in Haven. Things were only going to get more difficult as time went on.
Beyond that, and though none of us said the words aloud, we were growing worried about Meira. They had not yet returned from the Oasis, nor had any news been received of when to expect their arrival. Time was quickly running out and Meira was crucial to the plan. Without her, we would not succeed. We needed her back-I needed her back. As I was thinking of her, missing her, worrying for her, I began to feel strange. Something was wrong.
First, I believed it was something to do with Meira, but then my body began to go into overdrive. All of my symptoms amplified. The room began to spin. Blinking, fear coiling around my spine, the War Room disappeared. Surrounding me were the bodies of my friends, the magical cage in place and before me the demon wearing Meira's skin.
My skull was splitting in two. The pain so intense, I couldn't see, couldn't hear, couldn't do anything but try to breathe through it. I stumbled forward, seeking the refuge of my office. The others were speaking to me, but I couldn't hear them, couldn't respond. I pressed against the door leading to the hallway outside the War Room.
With each step, I was in Skyhold and then Kinloch and then Kirkwall. I saw the demons in the shadows, heard the screams in the echoes of my footsteps as I felt the familiar stones of the castle beneath my boots. My mind was fraying, the claws scraping, tearing a the loose threads.
I heard their laughter, felt their touch, smelled the decay of my friends, tasted my tears. My legs were shaking, nausea churning in my gut, icy sweat pouring down my body. The floor rose up to meet me as I stumbled, that magical cage surrounding me once more. My strength leaving me completely, I fell to the ground. My eyes blurring, breathing ragged, I looked up.
The hall kept shifting. Skyhold. Kinloch. Kirkwall. Shifting and shifting, my mind no longer knowing what was real. In my blurred vision, I watched someone approach. Meira, demon, Meredith.

"Meira?" I rasped.

"Is that who you desire to see?" That sultry voice. No. Maker, please no.

"No," I whimpered.

"I'll show you her," she purred, "Come play with me."

I was fading, falling, slipping into oblivion. All of my memories, all of my sins bleeding out of me. Reality shifted, cold seeping in and I sensed the Veil opening, pulling my mind beyond. There was only one who could help me. "Meira."

"She can't save you," the demon hissed.

"She was too far away, but he...he could find her. "Cole."

I felt the demon straddle my back, as one had done all those years ago. I screamed as talons ripped into my flesh, following the scars that painted my skin. She leaned forward, her lips against my ear. "You thought you could escape me? I am not so easily defeated, sweet templar."

"Old scars opening. Mind unraveling. Fade pulling, no lyrium to keep reality true. Fear, despair, desire hunting. But shame already has its prey. Maker, help me. Andraste, give me strength. Help me. Help me," I heard Cole's voice from far away as I heard my name called again and again. "How can I help?'

"Meira," I rasped again, "Find...her. Let her...help me." My words a plea as everything went black.

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