Author's Note: So.. Yeah… I was really bored when I got home from school today and I was thinking, "Hmm… What could I do to make myself less bored? I'm fresh out of ideas for my Marisu story, so why don't I make fun of the other badfics out there? HOLY SHIT, I'm an EFFING GENIOUS!" Yeah, that's where this story came from. This is just going to be making fun of clichéd plots and really bad pairings that would never, ever happen. Ever. In a million and one years. So, yeah, review and let me know what you think and what cliché/bad pairing I should make fun of next. Oh, yeah, and I also have no idea where my little "interaction at the end of the story" came from. I was just trying something a little different from my Mary-Sue parody and, well, you'll soon see what came out of it.
Disclaimer: I do not own InuYasha. Wish I did though. I do fully support Kagome/InuYasha pairings though. So, yeah, no one beat me up about that.
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Kagome was crushed. She had thought that InuYasha loved her. She had thought that he finally would be able to forget about Kikyou and the love they once shared and focus on her. Only her. But that wasn't the case. Oh no.
Sure, Kikyou was prettier and the original and an even more powerful miko and InuYasha first serious love and had much nicer hair that didn't stick out like she desperately needed to have six inches of split ends cut and didn't have a whiney annoying voice and didn't go around stating the obvious and was much smarter, but what did she have that Kagome didn't? Huh? Huuuhhh???
Seriously, if nothing else, Kagome was nicer and so much cooler.
Booyah, biatch.
But still, Kagome couldn't understand it. Why ... How... What could have come over InuYasha to have him betray her in such a painful way? He knew how much she cared and swore that he'd never hurt her, but he did. It was like a knife through the heart... except without the blood and death. Just the pain.
'Cause if she suddenly started bleeding from a huge gash in her heart, he definitely woulda noticed that. But he didn't!! HE WAS SUCH A BASTARD THAT HE COULDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT HE EFFING BROKE HER HEART!!!1231241111!!192!#$!!!!!!!! THE BADLY DONE EXCLAMATION MARKS PROVE THAT SHE WAS CRUSHED!
It would have been bad enough if InuYasha had just gone to hell with Kikyou. But noooo, he had to go and screw her against a tree 'cause everyone knows that when Kikyou and InuYasha have sex, it has to be against a rough, painful, sharp, poky, bumpy, itchy tree. Even though sex is the last thing on Kikyou's mind and InuYasha is so not a necrophiliac, it's still better when it hurts! And not just hurts. But huuurrrts like how Ludacris says it in that one song.
Dammit, now Kagome had that song stuck in her head.
How was she supposed to run away with tears streaming down her face when all she could think was, "I wanna li-li-lick you from your head to your toes and I wanna move from the bed down to the, down to the to the floor and I wanna ah-ah. You make it so good, I don't wanna leave, but I gotta kn-kn-know wha-what's your fanta-tasy"?
It so didn't work.
Maybe if she had something like "Fighter" stuck in her head it would work. It would give her the strength to run through the forest despite the twigs digging into her feet, the branches scratching at her face, the fact that her shirt was getting torn against sharp... uh... rocks and the fact that from every injury she had, blood was streaming down her skin and mixing with her sweat.
But no, she had a song stuck in her head that made people think of lust. Dammit, time to switch this fic from being an angst to being a romance! Have to go with the flow, people. Deal with it.
So, who could Kagome run into while she was in her state of distress that would instantly encircle his sinewy, heavily muscled arms around while holding her tightly against his hard, well-developed chest and murmuring reassuring, relaxing, calming words into her ears?
Kouga? Hell no. In fact, as she was running, Kagome even ran past him while he was running full speed.
He sped up in a vain attempt to catch up with her. "Kagome? What happened? Did that dog turd do something to-"
"GO TO HELL!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!" she screamed in reply, running even faster until she had left him in the dust. By now, she was probably running fast enough to create a sonic boom and crying enough to flood a river. But was her nose red and her eyes puffy? Noooo.... Were her legs so tired that they were shaking and about to give out on her? Nooo..... Which is kinda odd seeing as she has absolutely no leg muscle to begin with.
But anyways. She kept running north to south and south to southeast and southeast to diagonally northwestsoutheast and then, next thing she knew, she was lost.
No shit, Sherlock. With directions like that, even someone with a handheld GPS would get lost.
But anyways, she finally was exhausted, but ran and ran and ran until she came to a beautiful castle in the middle of a dark and sinister forest, surrounded by countless hot springs and with the mountains beautifully decorating one side while the wind swept in from a random direction from the nearby ocean.
And who do you suppose lived there?
Yup.
And is it surprising that he was actually home as opposed to wandering the land with his ward and retainer?
Nope.
And is it surprising that his ward and retainer were anywhere but the wrong place at the wrong time?
Oh hell no.
Kagome stumbled through the front doors, collapsing in a heap of sobs while her legs twitched continuously from all the use they had been put through. In one day, she literally must have added four times the muscle that she had on her entire body to her legs. Which wasn't saying all that much...
Tears flooded down her face as she sobbed, her emotions pouring out in a magnificent gush of crystalline salty water that could be called tears, but that would be redundant and no one would want that, right?
"Sob sob sob sob!!!"
"SOB, DAMMIT, SOB!!!!!"
"Oh, was that my cue?"
"Yes, you jackass!!!"
"Oh.. Sorry..."
"You'd better be."
Then, suddenly, and totally unexpectedly, Sesshoumaru appeared out of no where. He walked regally, arrogantly, haughtily, snidely, sneeringly, jeeringly, leeringly... NEERINGLY!! towards her.
"Wench, what are you doing in this Sesshoumaru's dwelling?" he asked, looking down his nose at her as if she were... well... a human. -.-;;
"I could ask you the same thing, bastard!!!!"
"... I live here."
"Oh..."
"Yeah..."
"I knew that."
"Sure you did."
"I DID!"
"And I'm agreeing."
"Sarcastically!"
"Aren't we getting away from the plot?"
"What plo- Oh, yeah, we are."
The great Sesshoumaru cleared his throat, surprisingly deciding to keep her alive instead of killing her on the spot for A) trespassing on his lands B) crying and bleeding on his expensive floor and rugs C) being his brother's "wench" and D) just for being a human in general.
Yeah, he had no reason to want her dead.
Not like Kagura. God, the little bitch. Always appearing when he didn't want her to and flattering him shamelessly even though she showed him no respect, but did try to give him Shikon shards and even youki crystals. God, he just wanted her on the ground and writhing and in so much pain that she couldn't stand -
He suddenly cleared his throat yet again. "What are you doing on my lands?"
Kagome had been strong until then. Until then, she had only felt the threat of tears - yeah, riiiight - but that was her breaking point. Fresh sobs tore through her body and she found herself throwing herself at Sesshoumaru's feet while bawling so hard that her very being threatened to crumble.
"It's your stupid brother!! He was sleeping with that stupid Kikyou and it broke my fucking heart! I can't believe that he's such a dick! I hate him! I HATE HIM!!!!"
Sesshoumaru picked at his claws, saying automatically, "Half-brother."
Kagome glared daggers at him pointedly before bawling harder and wrapping her arms around his knees.
"Oh! Sorry! I mean, no!! How could he do such a thing to someone as beautiful as you?? How could he disrespect you in such a way? How could he crush your heart and feelings so horribly? How could he-"
"Aw, cut to the chase. I'm getting sick of having to look so sad."
Sesshoumaru nodded, instantly sweeping her into his arms - because his other arm magically reappeared. Hey, it was very essential for the sex-scene. Seriously, you try doing... Heh, heh, heh, back to the topic - and holding her tightly against his chest of steel.
No, seriously, his armor was still on, so technically, it was a chest of steel.
Fortunately Kagome didn't get stabbed on his spikes. That would have been pretty awkward. I mean, for this "plot" InuYasha might be a necrophilliac, but Sesshoumaru sure as hell wasn't. Dead bodies could be hell on your complexion, especially those made of earth and clay.
Which was why Kagome ran to Sesshoumaru, he'd accept her and not run off with Kikyou. HAH! TAKE THAT, INUYASHA, YOU MAN WHORE!
So, yeah, a make out scene and several tears later, Kagome and Sesshoumaru were officially lovers/mates/soul mates/destined to be/married/going out/an item/together and decided to not save themselves for marriage/mate-hood and just have sex then and there.
'Cause seeing Kagome so hurt really made Sesshoumaru not not like humans. And... Yeah.... -shifty eyes-
The author suddenly runs out of ideas and decides to make this story a -dundundun!!- CLIFFHANGER!!!
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"Lalala, Sesshoumaru, I got the chains and roses and- HOLY SHIT!!"
"Kagura, this isn't what it looks like!"
"Like hell it isn't!!! DANCE OF THE DRAGON!!!!"
"…Shit."