Author's Note: Hey, I know it's been a while, so I whipped up this chapter to make all you people who need laughs so desperately laugh. Just to prevent any confusion, when I refer to "the author" in these chapters, I usually am talking about a generic person and not me although I will at times (I'll try to make it obvious when) and sometimes incorporate true facts about myself. Just so you all know. Oh, and I totally love InuYasha/Kagome pairings. I mean, they're not my favorite, but they don't belong with anyone else and I'm not making fun of them in this chapter. I'm making fun of the plot. Just so you all know. –ducks behind a brick wall so that no one tries to kill her-
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and I don't even own the plots I'm making fun of. They all belong to the bad authors out there. That's right, loves! I'm acknowledging you! I couldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for you. (Now, is that a good thing or a bad thing?)
FluffyLemonn: Aww… Poor Kohaku. I know it'll be a while until you read this, but I wrote this chapter thinking of… Not Another Teen Movie, actually, but I'll say it was you to make you feel better. –snugglebite-
Checkey: Haha. Glad I made you happy. I had fun writing it. In a strange, twisted way. … … I'm not a pervert either!
Patches: Oh. Sorry. Forgot about that part. ;;
Aamalie: Sorry, love, but I just don't see that pairing happening and it was next on my list. Sure, they're oddly appealing visually, but it just wouldn't happen. I mean, they hate each other just way too much. Maybe if they didn't have such a deadly past, it would work. But I mean, what would they use as pillow talk? "Hey honey, remember when I slaughtered your pack?" "Oh yeah, that was hot!" ; And I will go back to making fun of pairings after this chapter. I just thought that some people were taking me too seriously so I decided to just make fun of the plot and not the pairings in this chapter. Kagome/InuYasha fangirls are still going to kill me, but at least this time the pairing was supposed to be serious! Ish.
Expunge: -bows- Thank you, thank you.
KaguraImmortal: I love Ayame too. She just… wasn't necessary to the plot so I had to get rid of her "creatively." ; And the tan lines comes from this inside joke between me and my friends. It's rather hard to explain. But think about it! He's uber tan and is always wearing armor. So, is he tan under the armor too?
Ainominako: Maybe that should be my new disclaimer. "If you eat before reading this, I do not take responsibility for what leaves your mouth!"
Crazyronichic: My work here is done.
Shjorpa: Parodies rock! It's just really hard to find good ones. ; I do my best though. And I will do a "conscious talking" scene in maybe the next chapter along with some Midoriko lending a helpful training hand as well. It shall be quite amusing.
BlueDove: No, implausible does not mean noncannon. It means… pairings that wouldn't happen because the characters have such bad pasts together or simply despise one another. (For example, Kagura killed Kouga's pack and wolves are incredibly close to one another and Naraku killed the entire taijiya village so there's no way Sango'll be shacking up with him.) But I also make fun of badly written stories too as this chapter'll prove.
Unknown Fool: Love your screen name, by the way, but that's not the point. I'll make a point of making fun of the couples you mentioned as well. There's just so many couples and so little time! Haha. Don't worry. This story'll last a looong time.
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InuYasha leaned against the roof of his totally pimped out, bright red car. No, seriously, it was like he had just been served by X to the Z, Xzibit and the whole West Coast crew from the show Pimp My Ride. Seriously, his car had spinners, diamonds on the gear shift, leather seats, the whole nine yards. It was hot. But, what else was to be expected? InuYasha was a badass pimp who didn't give a flying fuck about anyone else so he had to have an uber hot car, right?
The fact that InuYasha would be more likely to drive around in his junky pick up until it broke down is irrelevant. That is so not hot.
Anyway, he was just leaning there, watching his fellow students through lazy eyes and nodding slightly at several girls who instantly turned into a pile of goo and began bubbling on the sidewalk. Another group of girls stepped through them as they flicked their sparkling, shiney, cool anime hair at InuYasha and Miroku - who suddenly appeared because he was just too hot to leave out.
"Yo, InuYasha," Miroku said, pulling his sexy sunglasses down so that he could glance over at his friend and then watch the girls (there seemed to be a lot of them today and no men to even out the ratio. Coincidence? I think not.) as they walked down the school's front steps. "You know how prom's coming up?"
The hanyou nodded casually, kissing the air as another random whore walked by - the readers suspect that she is Yura as her neckline drops past her navel and her skirt is so short that she'd almost be better off without it and, she has a hair fetish. "Yeah. Why? Need me to hook you up with someone? Want me to find you a girl that'll wanna do a little sumthin' sumthin' on the side?"
Miroku chuckled, rolling his shoulders back to crack his spine for no reason other than it would show off his rippling abs and make more girls turn into goo. "Nah, I'm good. I know who I'm asking."
"Really?" InuYasha asked, doing a total 180 and acting like a giggling school girl whose friend just revealed that she had the daily gossip to dish out.
"Oh yeah."
"Who?"
"Ooooh.... It's a surprise."
The hanyou pouted, crossing his arms and going back into his badass persona. "Fine. Be that way."
"I was actually going to ask you something."
"... I am not going to the prom with you."
Another random girl, who happened to be listening, burst into tears at the mere thought that her two, not one, but two, heartthrobs were gay and ran off, tears streaming down her face as she cursed God for his cruelty.
"No! Eew! Eeww! That's not what I was going to ask!" Miroku shouted before buffing his nails against his unbuttoned, silk purple shirt. Oh yeah, if anyone doubted that he was a pimp too, all they had to do was look at his clothes and they would soon know otherwise. He even had a pimp cane!! Sure, some idiots might call it a "staff" on first glance, but what else could it be other than a pimp cane.
"... Right... So what were you going to ask?"
"Well, you know how we're horny teenagers with nothing to do, right?"
"Yeah."
"I mean, we don't even go to our classes! We don't even have classes! We just come to school to look hot and make out in the choir room like the rest of the world, right?"
InuYasha suddenly shuddered so badly that it looked like he was having a seizure. Between convulsions, he managed to gasp out, "Don't ever speak of that again!! That room has been tainted!"
"Come on, just because your brother finally has a girlfriend..."
"They were screwing on the risers!!!"
Miroku ran a hand through his messy hair that was down just because it looked so much more roguey and fuckable that way. "How is that different from you and that one chick?"
"My brother isn't supposed to have hormones!"
The other young man opened his mouth to speak, then paused, realizing how true that statement would have been at any other time.
"Exactly."
Unperturbed, Miroku continued, "Well, what I was saying is that I think that it would be hilarious if you turned the next person who walked down those steps into your really hot date and then stood her up!"
The hanyou shook his hair out of his eyes - since it was always getting in his way. "Hmm... Interesting. Why?"
"I dunno. Just for kicks."
"Alright, sounds like a plan," InuYasha said before suddenly getting a revelation and standing up. "But here's something even better! Why don't we spice that up by making it be the second person who walks down the stairs and I have to sleep with her. Twice!"
The two men exchanged high-fives at the sheer brilliance of this and then grabbed more random girls and had a victory make out session.
The author beams as well and huggles her bishie plushie that she bought at Hot Topic for 13 dollars minus her 15 discount. That's right, bitches, I bought a demon lord for, like, 10 bucks! Jealousy may begin now.
Anyways, because it is the second person that walks down the stairs and InuYasha has to screw her twice, there is absolutely nothing cliche or predictable about it. In fact, none of the readers know that they will somehow develop a deep, undying love for each other. And, if they found out before the author revealed it, the author would have to kill them.
As the author sharpens knives and practices her kick ass Tae Kwon Do moves, the readers simultaneously gulp and pretend that they didn't read the author's plan, just in case it wasn't time for them to know.
The next person who walked down the stairs was Kikyou. InuYasha and Miroku groaned at their bad luck. After all, Kikyou was one hot bitch that the entire school wanted to have on her back. Why couldn't they have stuck with number one?
The next girl who happened to descend the steps (have to phrase it differently, yo) was Sango. Miroku instantly jumped InuYasha and slammed his head into the hood of the car, as if to pretend that he hadn't seen her.
"Not Sango, bitch! She's mine!!!!!" Miroku screamed, going very possessive and clawing at InuYasha's face like a girl. Sango walked by, slapped Miroku for claiming to "own" her, and then high-fived her other punk/badass/dangerous friends (Kagura, Ayame and Yura) before they got on their Harley-Davidsons and zoomed away.
Miroku fell back on the hood of the car, sighing wistfully and placing a hand to his cheek where a vibrant hand print was visible. "Ah... You know she wants me."
The hanyou was about to reply just as Kagome Higurashi, the nerdiest nerd that was so nerdy that even the nerds wouldn't hang out with her, walked down the stairs.
"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!" he said, tears streaming to his eyes. "Not Kagome! Not Kagome!! Anyone but Kagome!!"
Miroku, however, had suddenly grown devil horns and his pimp cane had turned into a devil's pitchfork. "Nope, InuYasha. Her. MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
With no other role in the plot, the pervert zoomed off in his car to find a way to woo Sango or do something else that horny, hot, lecherous teenage boys do.
InuYasha, who could never ever ever turn down a challenge in a hundred and one years, flipped off his car and approached Kagome who was searching for the keys to her minivan.
Eeew.... Minivan. That's just so unhot. It's cold!!
"Yo, Higurashi!"
Kagome turned around, smiling broadly through her braces at her secret heartthrob and wiping her nose with the back of her hand as she snorted. "Hey, InuYasha! What up, yo, mah homie G dog?"
The hanyou face faulted at her attempt to speak ghetto and made a mental note that Asians should not act ghetto as she waved her hands in the air and promptly fell over. "Uh..."
She instantly stood up, blushing bright red - like a really red tomato.
"Higurashi, you know the prom?"
She gasped, nearly choking on her retainer even though she had braces as well. Hey, she had really really bad teeth, ok? "Oh my God!! Are you going to ask me to prom?"
"Yeah and I could make you look all hot and maybe we could fuck once or twice too."
"That is so cool that you are doing this with absolutely no personal gain on your part!" she squealed and instantly threw her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly.
Crickets chirped as InuYasha crossed his fingers behind his back and shifty eyed several times. "Yeah... No gain on my part what so ever."
"This is so going up on my web page!366245!!!!#!!!! WH00T!!!!!!!!"
InuYasha face faulted yet again, wondering what he had gotten himself into. "Well, Higu- Kagome, prom's the day after tomorrow so I'd better get you started on your make over, huh?"
Kagome squealed yet again as he whipped out a totally pimped out cell phone that matched his car, dialed a few numbers, made a few bribes, pushed a few buttons, threatened a few threatenees and got Kagome hooked up with a totally exquisite spa treatment.
A few hours later, InuYasha was chilling in his totally pimped out mansion - because he and his dad were pimps and so was his brother apparently - trying to block out the sounds of his brother and Kagura screwing upstairs. Which was difficult. Very difficult. So difficult that he had to resort to sticking three ear plugs in each ear and it still wasn't working.
Poor hanyou. Too bad his brother discovered what hormones were.
Anyways, the door suddenly opened slowly and standing there, with the wind blowing her hair elegantly about her and her dress so that the already scandalous thigh slit she had appeared even more scandalous, was Kagome. And not geeky Kagome, but totally hot, sexy, pimpette Kagome. Her braces? Gone! Retainer? Thrown out! Coke bottle glasses? Nonexistent! She was hot. Like a porn star. Curves in all the right places (which are never actually mentioned, but must be right) and flawless skin and everything else that a girl needs to be hot.
In fact, InuYasha was feeling even hornier than usual just by looking at her. Pimp InuYasha was at a loss of words and almost drowning in his own drool at the complete hotness of the sex symbol that stood before him.
"Let's fuck," Kagome said erotically as she tackled him onto the couch and the two proceeded to do just that.
Meanwhile, Inu-papa who had pulled up outside the house seconds earlier, sniffed the air and beamed when he realized that both his sons were getting laid. He was so proud that he pulled out of the driveway and decided to rent a hotel room so he could get busy with Izayoi without disturbing them. Aww... how considerate of him.
Hours later, after the two had screwed several times, Kagome laid sprawled across his chest and InuYasha smiled a goofy sort of drunk smile. The girl, however, got up as if nothing had just happened and proceeded to get dressed back in her uber hot dress.
"Kagome? What are you doing?" InuYasha asked, suddenly finding it hard to breath. Could it be... Had he suddenly fallen for her? No! That was impossible! She was Kagome Higurashi, rejected even by the geeks! But... but somehow... the way her hips swayed as she walked which was way more than necessary and how she flicked her hair... she was just so beautiful that it hurt. IT HURT, DAMMIT!! He needed her there!!
"Sorry, lover," she said, shrugging a shoulder. "But I heard you and Miroku talking so I just waited for the perfect moment. Looks like the player got played."
That said, she made out with him one last time and gave him a lap dance just to show off what he was missing out on before kissing the air contemptuously and leaving the house. The sound of a motorcycle was heard and the readers could either decide that she had left with the other bad ass girls that were previously named or Kouga.
InuYasha, however, completely distraught about what had happened, threw a blanket around his waist and ran outside screaming, "No! Kagome! Nooooo!!"
He fell to his knees on the side walk, sobbing at his ill-fortune and the story ends dramatically, angsty and in a way that makes all the fangirls want to screw the hanyou's brains out so that he could feel better.
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"… Hmm… That was weird."
"Very weird! You're way above looking like a porn star!"
"InuYasha! That's so sweet coming from you! –hugglehuggle-"
"… -blushblush-"