Author's Note: Yes, it has been a while. No, I won't apologize or give a dramatic explanation about how my dog died, my grandma once removed went bald or how my eyebrows burned off. I've just been busy or haven't gotten around to typing. That's life, people. Yeah, I am being a little bitchy/snappy right now, but I'm a girl so I can conveniently blame PMS and take no responsibility for my actions. Hey you! Yeah, you sitting by the computer monitor. Yeah, you with no life. Gimme your money. Right, as per usual, I did not proof this chapter because I think it adds to the flavor of a parody that is parodying a bad story. And I am upset because I should have added the cliché of a school serial killer in my other chapter, but I forgot to. Dammit. Oh well, I'll hit that later. This chapter is not only making fun of the Rin/Sesshoumaru pairing, but also the clichés around it. Enjoy. Or, at least, try to. Oh yes, and also, this will be the only story that I am updating on this account. Try not to cry too much. This is, just so you know, my worst and least funny chapter so far. You were warned.
Aamalie: Well, I obviously didn't update soon, but I did update. XD Ahem. I'd comment on more, but … It's a lot to comment on and my brain hurts. I lost brain cells writing these chapters.
Unknown Fool: Khepri is Egyptian for "Morning Sun". I know, I'm a dork. XP And my lover Sango-chan discovered the plushie one time when we were at the mall and I promptly bought it. Mwuahahaha.
Orion Kohaishu: -valley girl voice- Um, well, the girls definitely have to be the nerd because, like, what kind of guy will get a make over and, like, there is no way that, like, I am going to diss my men by making them nerds. Whatever, loser.
Divine-Red-Crayon: Well, your family can press charges, but I am broke. … That also means that I wouldn't be able to hire a good lawyer, but I talk so much that I'd confuse the jury. Haha.
Aiffe: Hmm… Two boys in an all girl's school? That really would make sense. DAMMIT! Why do all these good ideas appear AFTER I wrote the chapter? T.T And, what's the point of living without walking the thin line? Sure, you fall now and again, but it makes life much more fun.
BlueDove: Look, I'm not at all trying to insult your views or anything because everyone is entitled to their own opinion. This is just my opinion, my thoughts and if I offend someone to the point of no return, they can just stop reading. And no, I won't take you so seriously that I change myself or anything like that, but I will respect the fact that there are other opinions out there unlike some people.
Crystal Twilight of Fire: Hahaha. Well, a friend of mine told me that I got high off air. Does that help to clarify things at all?
HighlyOffended: -beams- Yes, I'm working on becoming FanFiction's most guilty pleasure. It would be a nice plaque to make, don't you think?
Special Fred: Thank you.
Unknown Fool: No, I promised myself not to take down any of my stories even though I hate most of 'em. ; And I'll keep updating this one and maybe Complete Perfection if I get more ideas. Slitted Eyes will be updated too… eventually.
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One day, while watching episodes of InuYasha that the author had compulsively bought, memorized, and otherwise duct-taped to her brain, the author saw something. Something that foreshadowed a pairing that was so fantabulous, so awesome and so bee-e-e-e-eeeyuuutiful that the author realized that she must have been a fucking genius to come up with it.
Sesshoumaru was going to end up screwing Rin's brains out.
Oh yes, the sexual tension between them was so ridiculously evident that the air crackled with it. (No, that was not Toukijin's power or any of the demon attacks. It seriously was the sexual tension.) After all, Sesshoumaru was always there when Rin needed him, she followed him incessantly and, to top it off, she was a girl and he was a boy.
Holy shit, that definitely meant that they were destined to be.
JUST LIKE AVRIL'S SONG SAYS! The author takes a break here to randomly belt out a few lines of "Sk8er Boi" and proclaim that Avril is rock's new goddess just to prove to her poser friends that she is the most awesome piece of shit that ever existed.
OMG AVRIL RAWKS ASHLEE ROCKS I KANT SPEL OR UZ PUNKTUASION CUZ IM HARDCORE AND I RAWK!#!32453!145! OMGWTFBBQ!
Having done so, she returns to the story.
After thinking about it for a second or two, the author decides that the fact that Rin is maybe 6 years old could put a damper on the romance. It was slightly paedophillic and that was not something the author wanted to go into.
So, she got an incredible idea. Cackling like ... cooking popcorn, she began... to type. Dun dun duuuun.
"Rin," Sesshoumaru said for no apparent reason other than to start the story because he definitely talks a lot and would definitely waste breath on a word that isn't that necessary.
Rin, who was right beside him playing with a chain of daisies because that was all Rin ever did other than realize her destiny of becoming the slutiest ho that ever strutted in the Feudal Era. And when she was fighting against people like Kagura that loses her seven kimono layer top every time she's around any "strong" attack, that's quite the accomplishment.
"Rin," Sesshoumaru repeated because Rin was not paying attention because, since she was only 6, she got distracted by everything including a floating piece of pollen.
"SESSHOUMARU-SAMA!" Rin shouted in excitement so loudly that it made the earth shake and caused Pompeii to erupt and promptly caused her demon lord to go deaf for a few moments. "Did you know that everything that is needed for a tree to become a tree is already contained inside this tiny pollen? It's like a baby tree even though it doesn't look like a tree even though baby people look like people and baby youkai probably look like youkai and baby foxes look like foxes except all of the babies are just littler than the big ones. But all the pollen needs is time, sunlight, dirt and rain and VOILA! it's a tree!"
Sesshoumaru rubbed his ears carefully, watching Rin's mouth moving and knowing that she was trying to communicate, but that all he could hear was, "... -arm gesture- ... -big smile- ... -ee!" Rather than have her repeat it, he nodded and smiled. "Of course, Rin."
"And," Rin began, taking in a deep breath because there'd be a lot that she was saying, "did you know-"
It was here that Sesshoumaru cut her off because he needed to get the plot moving so that he could get screwing sooner. "Rin, I must leave you now. I have decided that it is no longer safe for you to be in my company. Jaken will take you to a human village where you will grow up. Do not try to follow me, contact me, stalk me, see me, smell me, hear me or send me dead rabbits tied together by the ears. Good bye, Rin."
He stalked off because Sesshoumaru did not simply "walk" he either glided, strode, moved, meandered or... ... rolled.
He was too cool for mere walking. Psh.
Anyway, Rin was left blinking in surprise. "What the fuck just happened?"
"RIN! DO NOT SAY THAT ABOUT ANYTHING LORD SESSHOUMARU SAYS!1231!1ONE!" Jaken shouted, using caps-lock rage to prove his anger. "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO KISS THE GROUND HE STANDS ON OR FUCK HIM SENSELESS!"
Rin looked very confused and made this clear by saying, "Huh?"
Jaken, on the other hand, ignored her along with the fact that he had just given away what would be the plot once Sesshoumaru felt guilty for leaving Rin and came back for her in 10 years. Yeah, it took him a while, but shhhh! Jaken's being the plot foreshadowing device!
"Rin," Jaken said, suddenly becoming the evil anti-hero and growing evil little demon horns. Squillions of miles away, the look of Jaken's evilness as seen through Kanna's mirror caused Naraku to keel over dead from fright.
Kagura began laughing evilly and even threw back her head so as to better laugh and seem evil while Kanna gave her a "what the fuck are you doing you stupid woman that has lost her mind and needs to get out more and needs to possibly get laid to release the sexual tension that fangirls feel that you have between every single possible character because you are this era's designated whore" look.
The readers look a little confused and carefully inch away from their monitors to get as far away as possible from the author that is typing this because she obviously is not completely stable mentally.
"HEY! I AM BEING A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON RIGHT NOW!" Jaken screamed and dragged the story back towards him even though it is clear that no one cares at all about Jaken because he is stupid. Because I said so.
Jaken cleared his throat, regrowing his evil horns and having scary looking red lights shine on him in a way to intensify the drama. (BE SCARED, READERS, DAMMIT!) Seeing that everyone was scared, Jaken continued, "I hate you Rin. You are stupid. I am not taking you to a human village. Good bye."
No longer being important, Jaken disappeared. Just like that. POOF!
Tears began to well in Rin's eyes for she was sad and tears tend to appear when one is sad. They also appear when one gets kicked in the balls/boobs because that hurts, but that did not happen to Rin. Everyone had left her so she was sad.
As a way to show her sadness, the author searches on google for the lyrics to a sad song that all the readers know and will inspire them to shed a tear for our tragic heroine.
The authoress decides that no song exists that would capture the sadness and betrayal that Rin is feeling so she decides to splice together bits and pieces from songs that she does know. It goes something like this:
Every day is so wonderful, then suddenly, it's hard to breathe.
This is when I start to bite my nails.
There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight.
Oooh, solitude, I can't stay away from you.
Once Rin's sadness has been established, the small girl gets up and begins acting like she's in a music video. She starts yelling in space, pretending it's a camera, and the lyrics gets angrier and then sluttier to show that she's aging.
Now that you're outta my life, I'm so much better.
After all you put me through, you'd think I'd despise you.
Bodies packed front to back, move your ass, I like that.
I put it right there, made it easy for you to get to.
At this point in time, the author was bored. No one seemed to realize how FUCKING HARD it was to google a song that would perfectly fit the mood and if she had to hear one more thing about how someone didn't know what song she was talking about, she would give up writing! (The readers with at least a hint of taste begin to think of the angriest song bashing reviews that they can to get the author to shut the hell up.) And also, the author was bored because it took people so long to grow up. SERIOUSLY! Why couldn't Rin just suddenly go POOF and be old enough to be fuc-
Suddenly, and without any explanation as to how Rin survived on her own or how she grew up or if a day even passed, Rin became a beautiful, booty - and booby - licious girl that would have been made into everyone's lusted after diva if she was born 500 years later.
In other words, my lusty, horny, and Hollywood-savvy readers, imagine someone with Beyonce's body, Amy Lee's voice, Adriana Lima's facial features (and body too to make Beyonce's even better), Angelina Jolie's raw sex appeal and... damn, that would be one ugly person. I MEAN! There you go. That's Rin.
Of course, because Rin has never lived anywhere but on her own (though how she survived is a bit sketchy. The author tried to explain it in a previous chapter, but all the readers could make out was, "PAIN... distress... blah blah blah... SORROW SADNESS BETRAYAL... survival... donkeys... yum." Most of the readers ended up being more confused than before they tried to read it.), she never changed her kimono so it just became strategically revealing and slutty and Rin pretended to not notice. Because innocent made people that much more fuckable.
Anyway, around this time which is probably 10 years later because everyone's the hottest they're ever going to be at age 16 and because all of the readers can relate to being that age and getting their brains fucked out by ridiculously hot demon lords, Sesshoumaru began to feel guilty about abandoning Rin, the child that he was supposed to take care of and raise after bringing back from the dead.
Took you long enough, jackass.
Realizing that he had been a completely stupid, idiotic, unfeeling, egotistical, uncaring, POOPY-HEADED jerk, Sesshoumaru decided to go find Rin. Because he was the coolest youkai (see? The author SO is not a poser. She is a hardcore InuYasha fan because she can say nani, Kami, youkai, hanyou and ramen. Take that, haters.) that ever existed, it was simple to find her. Of course, because he was a man and therefore heartless, stupid, egotistical, uncaring, stupid, and POOPY-HEADED, he always showed up in the wrong place at the wrong time.
This means, dear readers, that he discovered Rin once more when she was in a hot spring - isn't it amazing how many of those are floating around Feudal Japan? All someone needs to think is, "Hmm... a wanna-be plot device would be lovely. OH LOOK! A hot spring!" and there one is! Amazing. Of course, because she was in a hot spring, that meant that, not only was she naked, but she was horny and probably masturbating.
The readers throw up a little bit in their mouths and the author takes this time to get huffy and snarl out, "Oh yeah? Well masturbation is just sex with someone you love, haters!"
Whatever, Rin was horny and wet and Sesshoumaru was a man. Obviously, they were going to have sex. Here is the edited version:
".." ... "...".
Apologies, dear readers, but the author has a very strong "horny teenager" blocker on her computer. See chapter 2 for the reason.
After what must have been an intense, physical, draining, pleasuring, romantic and MAGICAL encounter, Rin curled up with her head on Sesshoumaru's chest (they were still in the hot spring, yo) and smirked, knowing that the readers had no idea what she had just done because they were all virgins with wild imaginations that had to read or write bad and overly descriptive smut in order to feel better. Hah, well she was a bonafide slut so she was better.
"You know, Sesshoumaru," she purred because purring is sexy and does not resemble a cat at all which dogs hate and does not make Sesshoumaru bare his teeth and get the ridiculous urge to bark his brains out and then lick his balls like dogs do. "Isn't it a good thing that you abandoned me? I mean, if you hadn't abandoned me, you would have raised me and that would have made you like my father, or at least my step-father and what kind of person wants to have sex with their father or step-father? That's only a little disgusting in my opinion. Seriously, what kind of dipshit comes up with that sort of stuff? Anyways, it's good that you abandoned me because now we aren't in that situation and we can feel free to have sex whenever we want to without angry readers flaming us claiming that we are nasty paedophiles that enjoy incest. Isn't it wonderful? ... Sesshoumaru? Are you listening?"
Apparently Rin was going to talk as much as she always did. Sesshoumaru say only one way to stop this. She'd have to be giving him a constant blow job or be constantly orgasming (yes, the author created another new word) so that her mouth or vocal cords would be too busy to talk.
Insert 42801843959723.025 sex scenes here. The .025 happens because during one spout of their love-making (can't make it sound so crude all the time, people. This isn't sex, this is LOVE. Because LOVE is a POWERFUL and WONDERFUL force and is everyone's motive behind having sex and ALWAYS saves peoples' lives and makes them feel like better people.), Rin had to give birth to the 132576788643214699622 children that had been developing in her belly. Seriously, safe sex is important and obviously was not invented yet, so Rin would be very pregnant.
See? I'm not a bad author. I think of everything. Rin has to be older, Sesshoumaru can't have raised her, sex makes babies. How could anyone hate or flame that?
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"Sesshoumaru-sama, Rin has a question."
"Yes?"
"When Rin grows up, will Sesshoumaru-sama still want her to be her guardian?"
"In a platonic, non-sensual way, of course."
"-snuggle- Rin is happy and Rin hopes that the Pretty Lady will marry Sesshoumaru-sama and have sisters for Rin! … Sesshoumaru-sama? … Your cheeks are the color of Pretty Lady's eyes!"