Author's Note: Extra long chapter because it took me extra long to get to the point. --;; Go me. ... Nope, nothing else to say here. Now go on. Shoo!
Divine-Red-Crayon: Yeah, I'm a Frenchie too. (Although I'm dropping it this year and hopefully taking up Arabic. WH00T! -waves flag-) Yeah... the poser jokes. I'm sorry, I just can't resist. They're too easy to pull. xD
inu lover: Hey, it's my goal to be funny. So laugh away!
Aamalie: I said least funny because I was definitely more ranty in that chapter than in my previous ones and I think part of the humor I create lots of the times is the fact that it... lacks emotion. I don't know, I just feel that getting angry makes things much less funny. Maybe I'm wrong though. I'm glad that you found the chapter funny though.
Phenomenon: Why, thank you.
FrameofMind: Actually, I think you read my mind because Inu/San was the next on my list to do. And I agree that the author's talent or lack-there-of is what makes the story float or sink. Not the fact that the characters are "canon couples".
Roxanne05: Here you go!
Orion Kohaishu: Don't worry, I wasn't making fun of anyone in particular. Just the badfic world in general.
TerraKagomeLogan: Oh, trust me. I'm far from running out. But I am thinking of doing a slash or mpreg spoof in later chapters.
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"Goddamn it," said a very angry reader one day while reading all the stories that made her angry. Like the one that several readers are currently reading now. "Why is Khepri such a bitch that swears so much and thinks that she's so fucking cool 'cause she says fuck instead of sex? And what the fuck is a khepri? Why do people have to go speakin' other languages and shit like that? Hell-o, I didn't make it through Junior High for nothing and even I don't know what a khepri is. It's not like my mom would say "Hey, honey, pass me some khepri for my sausages; they're a little bland." Well, you know what? I'm going to write a story that even SHE can't make fun of because it's so WELL-WRITTEN and in character."
The following story is that story, pulled out of the depths of the merciless bottomless pit that is fanfiction by a girl, a girl that was trying to send a message to the brain damaged, badfic loving world out there. A girl who did not care of the risks she put herself through, the IQ points she lost by dropping to a level as low as parody-ness. A girl who desperately wanted to be heard one last time before the abyss that was writer's block over came her:
"Fanfiction's fucked up."
Many years ago, in an era that was known as the "Feudal Era" or the "Tsushimushilanutsuo (aka: Japanese Word I Can't Pronounce)", there were four friends. Well, technically, there were more than four, but only four were relevant because only four were hot. In case people were stupid and not aware of the times, their names were Kagome Higurashi, Sango, Miroku and InuYasha. Only Kagome had a last name because only she could spell. Duh.
They were sitting in a field, gazing lovingly into each others' eyes. Ok, technically they weren't all gazing into all of each others' eyes because it's really hard to gaze into more than one person's eyes at a time (strange, but unfortunately true). More specifically, Kagome was gazing into InuYasha's eyes, Sango was gazing into Miroku's eyes. And the boys were staring in their respective girl's eyes - because it is possible to gaze into someone's eyes without them gazing back. A little stalker-ish, but possible.
So, they were all sitting there, in love. It was a beautiful time. So beautiful, in fact, that harps could be heard in the distance, light was shining on them and, if one listened very carefully, a voice as soft and gentle as a baby snoring could be heard singing something.
"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes."
Alright, there was no need to listen that carefully.
But, what was particularly was the fact that they were all so happy. Unfortunately, because of budget cuts that are needed to fund everything but the writers, betas cannot be afforded so typos cannot be avoided. Because of that, no one will ever know what this thing that was particularly something truly was. The readers all shed a tear at this sadness.
And the ones that mention that betas are free find burning daggers in their throats when they wake up. (Even though they don't technically wake up. Because they're dead. Then others shed a tear at that sadness and wonder why they had to be smart and point out the obvious. WHY? Why, dammit, why, you cruel, heartless bitch of a world?)
They all were so happy that little bunny rabbits with the words "Happiness Bunnies" tattooed on their sides in pink tattoo ink were bouncing around them.
Unfortunately, like always, good things must come to an end.
All of a sudden, without any rhyme or reason, without any warning, NARAKU APPEARED!
"Mwuahahaha!" said Naraku because Naraku laughs like that. Technically it's more of a kukukuku sound, but the author is usually too busy drooling over how hott (with two t's to make it that much harder corer) the guys are to notice that they're actually saying anything. "MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..."
The Inu-Gumi (because that's so cool to say, just like the Inu-Tachi and the Inu-moremadeupjapanese) stared at him, too stoned to actually do anything useful. Like kill him.
"Dammit you sons and daughters of bitches! Just kill the fucking asshole in the middle of his laugh! Why must everyone take the time to say or think their thoughts and explain each move? KILL THE BASTARD!"
Yes, that would be Kagura, floating casually over head and being very angry. So angry that her eyes turned re- that her eyes were glaring at the people below and her hair was standing on end. Sorta... It was hard to tell since it was pulled back, but her bangs were standing up on end! More so than usual, that is.
And no, the reason they were standing up on end had absolutely nothing to do with the suspiciously sloppy way her kimonos were tied.
"KILL HIM, DAMMIT! AND GET ON WITH THE STORY OR I SWEAR THAT I WILL TAKE THIS FAN AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR-"
Unfortunately, she died suddenly. For no apparent reason. There was just a dead Kagura on a feather all of a sudden and no one seemed to notice. Boo hoo.
But back to the Inu-Ramen. Naraku had killed Kagome and Miroku in a way that was not explained, but might have been alluded to during Kagura's rant. In this time, he also died himself. Tough shit. Took out the "big fish" and it's too much for you. Well, you suck at life. Loser.
Time suddenly slowed down as it took both Sango and InuYasha all of what seemed to be a year to cross all of what seemed to be a two inch gap between them and their respective lovers. Apparently sorrow can do that to you.
"NOOOOoooOOOoooOoOoOoOOooOOO...oo..OO...oo...OOOOOO!" they screamed.
"MY LOVE!" InuYasha shouted.
"MY BELOVED!" Sango wailed.
"I LOVE YOU!" InuYasha declared.
"DON'T LEAVE ME!" Sango sobbed.
"COME BACK!" InuYasha begged.
"IF YOU HEAR ME, GROPE ME!" Sango whimpered. Loudly.
"Damn, why do all my loves have to keel over?" InuYasha grumbled.
"And my love has to be a douche-bag dipshit motherfucker," Sango growled.
Apparently, so much time passed in them trying to reach their dead loves, that they realized that they didn't love 'em really. In fact, the bodies suddenly disappeared with a loud "AKNNNRRRUUUAAARRRZZZZNNLLLLUURRRGGG!" that was the sign of a dangerous being, one even more bloodthirsty than Naraku known as the "Black Hole of Plots." None that ever reach its dark, lifeless depths ever returned.
Wow, really sucks to be Kagome and Miroku around now!
Sango looked at InuYasha. InuYasha looked at Sango. They were looking at each other.
"What the fuck is your problem, dipshit?" Sango snarled, baring her strangely vampiresque fangs at him and spitting out what seemed to be the "insult of the day." Oooh, look out. Someone's being called a dipshit. What now.
"It's your eyes..." InuYasha said with a dreamy sigh that made the readers with an IQ higher than 51.027 (the IQ of a rock, yo. I calculated it.) suddenly realize that this story had the high probability of merging becoming a badfic.
Gee, what was your first hint?
"What about them?" Sango wailed, suddenly very concerned. Hey, her eye make-up was DAMN hard to put on and even harder to put on so that it stayed on during battle. And the secret had to be very well kept because she did not feel like having to share it with the ancestors of Tyra Banks and Josie Maran.
Unfortunately, word eventually got out which is how the jingle "maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline" came out.
"They're so beautiful..."
Sango smirked. "Oh, yeah, I know."
"You know, Sango, I'm having problems falling in love with you when you're acting this hostile."
"Well, unfortunately for you, my True Love just died and I'm feeling a little testy."
"Yeah? My true love died too."
"Mine has capital letters so it's more important."
"Well that's fucked up! What was different."
"We were destined to be."
"And we weren't?"
"Nope."
"Were too!"
"Stop being immature."
"... Who's talking?"
"Not sure, Sango."
"No, no, you're Sango, I think. I think I'm talking now..."
"Really? I coulda sworn that it was me..."
"Nope, nope, this is definitely InuYasha right now."
"Yeah right, dipshit. How can you tell?"
"You just said 'dipshit' again."
"Oh, point taken."
The two let out a long sigh, happy that their identities had not been stolen in atrocious, despicable, disgusting, cruel, vile, but most importantly, ORIGINAL ways.
"Oh, damn, my True Love just died," InuYasha said, eyes filling with tears.
"What did I say about capitalization?"
"You know, it was established earlier that both of us are illiterate in which case, capitalization really is the least of our worries.
"Oh, so now you get a brain. Now that Naraku's dead and it doesn't matter if you waste time thinking through your steps instead of killing him!"
"Hey, don't blame this all on me miss "I'm the best demon slayer of my village"!"
"... I really don't want to start this again. I like knowing who I am and when I'm talking."
"Point taken."
The two let out another long sigh because that is what people do when they are confused, thinking, mortally wounded, dying, or sad. In this case, the two were sad.
"Why? WHY? OH, GOD, WHYYYY?" Sango suddenly wailed, flinging herself into InuYasha's arms and sobbing hysterically into her shoulder while she wrapped her arms so tightly around his neck that he could feel himself beginning to go blue. However, instead of dying like most normal people did, he found himself feeling the sudden, inexplicable urge to comfort the sobbing girl and make it so that she never had to cry again. Make it so that... she never hurt again. To protect her from the world and its cruel, heartless ways.
The readers all simultaneous turn to paragraph 3, section A on page 19 of their "Ways to Spot Cliches, Plot Holes, Mary-Sues and Other Story Diseases" manuals and find the phrase identical to the few just read. They all simultaneously, because they're cool that way, read:
"Sentences in which a main character finds him or herself with the sudden desire to protect a person that they have only recently met or only recently even remotely considered having a romantic relationship with are ideal ways to make the readers feel emotionally connected to that character and wish that their significant other would realize that love and devotion cannot only be expressed through words but also through actions like sighing, smiling softly, brushing hands lightly when passing a book to one another, or even sacrificing oneself."
Satisfied that they now knew how to respond, the readers got glazed looks that made glazed doughnuts jealous and continued reading with smiles that made anyone sitting near them wonder if the monitor was laced with crack.
The author, of course, takes no responsibility for whatever may happen to anyone because of the druggies at their school, home, or wherever the computer is located, but highly suggests that stories this addicting be read in the privacy of your room due to the fact that there are some real freaks out there, yo!
What seemed like a hundred years later, but was really only about 5.982 angsty, dramatic, heart-felt minutes, Sango stopped sobbing and pulled herself away from InuYasha far enough to look deep into his captivating eyes.
Suddenly, for no apparent reason, a voice hissed, "Looook into my eeeyyyessssss..."
"What the fuck was that?" InuYasha growled, being in character for the first time in the entire story.
"No clue," Sango replied, being very oblivious and out of character. "But what does it matter? LIFE IS A BITCH! Everyone around me dies! ... I'm going to go jump off a cliff now and you can't stop me!"
So she proceeded to try and do just that. Because of his super-dooper timing, InuYasha managed jump down the cliff, turn in midair and intersect her so that he caught her and ended up taking the force of the fall himself 'cause it wouldn't kill him 'cause he was a hanyou and it would have killed Sango 'cause she was just a person.
Technically, the point was that Sango would die 'cause she was depressed, but the author doesn't really care about that because abbreviating words has made her thinking skills die.
Sango groaned, lifting herself so that she was in what was kind of a push-up position, but more a sexily sprawled position over InuYasha's chest. "Damn that fucking hurt..."
She looked down to see that Tetsusaiga's hilt had jammed into her stomach during the impact and that there was a suspiciously swiftly growing black and purple mark on her stomach that probably meant that all of her organs had squashed together and she'd die anyway.
"Ah, damn," she growled, poking her stomach - 'cause poking makes everything better.
Then, she remembered that she always wore her demon slayer outfit under her kimono and that the armor had saved her. Silly Sango! She had just been hallucinating.
The readers all have a good guffaw at this and pat each other heartily on the back.
"I say, jolly good show!"
"That little strumpet sure had us worried there!"
"Hahaha, wonderful, Higgins, but tell me this, is she really a strumpet?"
There is an inexplicable silence during which the author sits in the corner, polishing her katana and grumbling something about readers who "are too loud for their own good".
Just as Sango realized that she wasn't going to die - which she decided was a good thing even though she had just jumped off a cliff that could rival any found on Everest - InuYasha began to stir.
As he did so, Sango mysteriously fainted again, sprawling once more over his chest 'cause that was hot.
"Ow... My head..." InuYasha muttered while the readers think "NO SHIT!". He looked down to see a dark haired girl sprawled across his chest, her hair fluttering around her as a light wind picked up and her deep, entrancing eyes shut, a peaceful look on her face.
"Sango," InuYasha whispered, shaking her lightly with an arm. Like that was a good idea. Did it ever occur to him that she could have broken her neck? That moving her could have caused all of her systems to shut down and her to die even if she wasn't originally dead? THAT THE LAST THING YOU SHOULD DO IS SHAKE A FALLEN BODY? Well, after seeing if you could outswim a hurricane, that is.
Sango let out a moan, but not the sort of moan one would let out when every single body part hurt from falling off a cliff. The moan she let out was the orgasmic one let out when every single body part hurt from the best sexual encounter. Ever.
"InuYasha," she whispered in return, lifting her head so that she could look once again into his deep eyes. (Isn't that where this all started?) "InuYasha, I... don't know what to say."
"Please, don't say anything," the hanyou murmured, brushing her ruffled bangs affectionately away from her face. Sango felt tears brimming in her eyes as she nuzzled his hand before looking away.
"Please, don't. Miroku just died. My heart is broken. I love you, but no. I am being blunt."
"Sango, don't do this. My love died too, but I realized that you really were my love. You always were. The melodramatic soap-operaness of my speech should convince you that the love I bear for you is something that originated deep within my heart and is true."
"InuYasha, I can't."
"Yes, you can! It's simple."
"You don't understand. I love you, but it's Miroku's child that I am carrying."
InuYasha blinked, looking confused. "You'd smell differently if you were pregnant..."
Crickets chirped as Sango shifty-eyed and thought of a way to explain that away. Unable to, she changed the subject. "Did you know that Tetsusaiga's hilt is digging into my gut?"
"Sorry," InuYasha said, moving the offending sword hilt away.
Another awkward silence followed until Sango got this evil little smirk on her lips. "Is that Tetsusaiga's hilt now digging into my thigh?"
"Oh... Sorry. Shoulda put it somewhere better." Once again, InuYasha moved the offending sword hilt.
Sango glared as the innuendo went by unnoticed. DAMN, OBLIVIOUS MEN!
Realizing that Sango was glaring at him, InuYasha proceeded to get the look of a puppy that was caught sitting by a massive pile of doo-doo in the middle of his owner's favorite carpet.
"InuYasha..."
"WHAT? Just because I'm the only dog in the general area does NOT mean that this is my fault! Stop blaming me!238292111!11!1!11!"
The coral-eyed beauty blinked. "... ... . .. ... ... ... . . . ..."
InuYasha cleared his throat awkwardly. "I mean... Yes?"
"Can we have comfort sex now?"
The hanyou thought and then began snickering. As Sango began to get REALLY offended and started contemplating wether she should GUT or CASTRATE him first, he said, "Comfort sex... What an interesting concept."
"Is that a yes or a no, bastard?" she snapped.
"I am a dog. Literally. Would I refuse the author to have passionate sex with a DAMN sexy girl?"
"Well, seeing as I don't act like I know that I'm DAMN sexy or even just damn sexy, then maybe."
"Silly Sango. You silly little bagel. Of course I wouldn't!"
As Sango tried to think of exactly what she should say in response of being called a bagel, and a silly one at that, she realized that InuYasha had begun sucking on her neck and pulling at her kimono and nothing, not Miroku's love, not his child that she was and wasn't carrying at the same time, not the fact that everyone that she loved had died mattered.
All that mattered was the fact that getting her neck sucked on was the most orgasmic thing ever and the fact that she'd have a huge mark for the next three weeks that would make people think if she got too frisky with the cow was even hotter.
It was in the midst of this hot and heavy (and probably really dusty seeing as they were at the bottom of a cliff) sex, they realized that they loved each other.
Aww... How cute.
Or, maybe they just realized that the BLACK ABYSS OF POTS had sucked up their former lovers and so they, therefore, really no longer mattered.
They were so in love. It was awesome. Isn't it great how comfort sex can make everyone that much more in love? That if a relationship is lacking, all it needs is sex and the STDs that come with it to make people realize their love for one another.
Aww...
xxxxxx
"Kagome, I have a question."
"My, my, InuYasha, you're being quite the gentleman right now. Did reading that story make you realize that I could spontaneously die and you need to love and cherish me while I'm here?"
"Fuck no, wench. But what the hell's a 'bagel'?"