Author's Note: Wow. It has been almost a year since I updated this thing. Too bad seeing as I love it and shouldn't have, y'know, gotten distracted by EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Hahaaaaa. Well, I hope people still read this thing. If not, then, y'all suck.
PS Crossover fics are probably the most ridiculous things ever. And, as in all my chapters, I try to subtly highlight the complete absurdity of, well, everything.
Some things in this world are simply meant to be. Peanut butter and jelly. Fireplaces and hot chocolate. Rain and clouds. Smoke and fire. Uh... Pickles and ice cream. Ok, don't hate on pregnant women now. Not their fault they got the pregs.
Other things should never be seen together. Onions and chocolate. Garlic and Pepsi. Mushrooms. Zucchini. That weird flavor of Dentyne Ice that tastes like cough syrup from the 1800's.
Harry Potter characters and the InuYasha cast.
But sometimes life isn't perfect. The rules are broken. Ridiculous authors think they have "ingenious" plots about how "magical" kids can "appear" in the "Feudal Era" and "fall" in love "with" demons. Clearly the author's motto is "the more the merrier" for the has started using quotation marks like candy. And likes it.
Now, it's hard to know exactly what happened because magic is kinda hard to understand for the obvious reasons. Turning animals into water goblets? WTF, mate? Why would you even want to do that? Why not do something cool like make your goose lay golden eggs? Oh, that was used already, wasn't it? Damn. Weelllll, as you all know, fucked up stuff happens at Hogwarts. Here's how the characters ended up in Feudal Japan.
Some key characters (the Golden Trio and Longbottom) were trying to make a potion. Hermione had the brilliant idea of putting Neville in charge of it. Despite everyone's protests.
"Look everyone," she said in exasperation because that's one of the three ways she can say things. "Honestly, I know what I'm doing. Neville's, honestly, a genius and, honestly, we need to trust in his klutzy ways. Honestly, he honestly knows what he's doing. Honestly. Honestly, kids. Honestly."
Harry and Ron shrug, deciding that that was a good enough explanation. And even if it wasn't, honestly was one of the 12 words in Hermione's vocabulary and "to be honest" means "to not lie" so if she was saying things honestly, then she wasn't lying and was telling the truth. Meaning that Neville was a genius. Honestly.
"A'ight."
"Coo'."
Neville, however, was a little nervous. And he became a little more nervous when Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, Cho (PS, one of my friend's middle names is Cho and it's kinda exciting. But she's not Chinese. She's Korean. So maybe Rowling was a little confused with her ethnicities. Silly Rowling.), Hagrid, Fluffy, Buckbeak, Tonks, that one girl from Hufflepuff, Blaise Zabini and Voldemort all randomly showed up.
Quite impressive really seeing as they were hiding out in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom doing a secret potion that no one was supposed to know about.
"EVERYONE OUT!" Moaning Myrtle sobbed. "This is the girl's lavatory." She's so British right now. "If you little buggers don't get out - use the stairs instead of the lift - and eat some potato crisps, I'll have no choice but to bloody do-something-British!"
All the boys shuffled awkwardly. Blaise Zabini just shuffled because, let's be honest, no one knows what gender that kid's got. (Serious therapy bills are being sent to Mr and Mrs Zabini as we speak.) Sure, Rowling decided that he was a black boy in the 6th book, but Zabini's clearly an Italian name and Blaise is either a French boy's name or a Hebrew unisex name. So Blaise should be an Italian hermaphrodite with a big nose.
Wonder what bathroom s/he'd use.
Aaaanyway. Too much time is being spent in Hogwarts. Here's the 8 chapter synopsis.
Neville fucks up the potion. Random HP characters end up in the Bone Eater's well. Everyone's confused.
"What's going on, mate?"
"No bloody idea."
"Bloody hell!"
"Crisps! Bonnet! Lift! Lavatory! Football!"
Confused and British.
For no apparent reason, InuYasha, Miroku, Sango, Shippou, Kirara, Kohaku, Naraku, Sesshoumaru, Kagura, Kanna, that one girl that got spikes through the gut and had a HUGE dinosaur chicken for a mom, Kouga, Ayame and a bunch of other people were all chilling near the well. They were kinda having a picnic. It was nice. The bad guys were on one side with a black and black checkered table cloth and the good guys were on another with a white and white checkered table cloth. The bad guys ate gross things like eye of newt and scorpion tails. The good guys ate nice things like cake, pizza and ice cream.
Kagura was sitting with the good guys because she didn't want to eat gross things.
Kirara was with the bad guys because, since she's a cat, she eats funny things.
Sesshoumaru was just awkward because, deep down, he likes cake, pizza and ice cream, but he didn't want to be near his brother.
But everyone was confused when a buncha people in robes and with wands appeared out of the well.
"Huh?"
"Nani?"
"Osuwari! Ramen! Sushi! Mitsubishi!"
Confused and Japanese.
It was kinda awkward because, let's be honest, the Brits don't speak Japanese and the Japs don't speak Brit. Oooh, I just used racially not ok slurs. Bad author! BAD!
The author proceeds to cling to her Japanese friends and apologize incessantly. They find her annoying and carefully steer away from her stories and her for the rest of their lives.
Fortunately, Hermione's a genius and was able to invent a spell that allowed each of the groups to understand one another. Even more fortunately, they were able to understand each other verbally and emotionally so they could become BFFs.
"Wait, wait wait. Hold the phone," Naraku said, looking incredulously at Voldemort who just so happened to have a Muggle phone in his hand that he lifted over his head. And waved around just for good measure. "You want to be the evil ruler of the world as we know it?"
"Yeah, pretty much. And I want to kill my nemesis. -dramatic pause- Harry Potter."
"... This could be the start of a beautiful friendship."
Meanwhile, Harry and InuYasha were realizing that despite the fact that one was melodramatic and angsty while the other was hot headed and rash, they were pretty similar. Both orphans, both "alone" in the world, both either had bad dialogue or couldn't act (three guesses as to which is which) and were waaaaaay more powerful than they logically could be. And, to top it all off, they both had evil nemesis. Es. Nemesises.
"Woah, woah woah. Hold the instrument of communication," Harry Potter said, looking incredulously at InuYasha who didn't have an instrument of communication, but did have a sandwich that he was eating. "There's an evil git out to get you too? And you have another enemy that makes your life hell?"
"Yeah, my brother's a bitch like that."
"... This could be the start of a beautiful friend-"
"Like hell it will be."
"InuYasha, SIT!"
Other characters found other ways to bond. Draco was trying to get chummy with Sesshoumaru because both, clearly, had the most amazing hair of the group - go ask any fangirls. Plus, both had annoying people that followed them and clung onto them. AKA Croyle and Riken. Takes too much time to spell out both names. Plus both had girls that they were destined to be with even though not everyone would admit to it. AKA Pansy and Kagura. Ok, those could both be spelled out cause it was only one name each.
"What I'd give to have really really ridiculously good looking girls following me across the country. All I've got is this girl 'with a face like a pug' (quoted from whatever page of HP1) who I'm probably betrothed to because Slytherins seem to be old-fashioned like that."
"Bitch, please," Sesshoumaru said. "Your girl'll do anything you want her to. This one wants me to do crazy ass things like kill her motherfucking "father". Bitch is fucked up."
Needless to say, the crazy ass bitch was kinda miffed for the things he was saying at her and Pansy really didn't like her ugliness being pointed out. She was a sensitive girl. Deep deep deep down. So the two got together to formulate a pact.
Kagura was twirling her fan around her fingers all skillfully. "Wait a minute, you're saying that Draco's a whimpering pussy that's bossed around by everyone more powerful than he is?"
"Pretty much. And Sesshoumaru's rich? Like, really rich? Ridiculously rich?"
"Bitch, he's the Lord of the Western Lands."
"... Uh..."
"Yes, he's rich." Kagura sighed, realizing that the girl was really stupid. And that that sentence was probably the most obvious and worst sentence ever.
"So we have a deal to switch heartthrobs?"
"I think so."
The two spit onto their palms and shook hands while skipping in a circle, eyes crossed, sticking out their tongues and singing some terrible modern songs that neither of them should know for the hopefully obvious reasons. In other words, it was a deal.
Shippou and Blaise were having an interesting conversation about how no one understood - or paid any attention - to either of them.
"It's hard being in this kid's body," Shippou said, taking a long drag on a cigarette. "See, I'm 75 years old, but still look and act like a child. Kagome has no idea that I'm hitting on her and like clinging to her legs cause I can see up her skirt and want her to SIT! InuYasha all the time cause maybe he'll get brain damage and she'll want me instead."
Blaise nodded knowingly, spitting tobacco juice into a goblet marked CRUNK JUICE that belonged to the crazy party girls that gave amazing head known as the Parvati sisters. "Fo sho, g, I feel you. Don't get no love in the books, but all the bitches want me in fanfiction. Both teams wanna go down on me, yo."
"Blaise?"
"Sup, shawty?"
Shippou took a dramatic pause, waiting to unveil the ever present question. "Are you a boy or a girl?"
"Homie, you be trippin'! I'm a-"
Nearby, Kirara and Fluffy were having fun running around and wreaking havoc on the picnic. But most everyone ignored them because unless they were being vital to the plot at that moment, they really didn't matter. And they weren't being vital. Not at all. Nope. Not even a smidgeon.
Now, things were a little awkward for Hermione, Ron, Miroku and Sango. Because they actually were living identical lives - except for minor details such as being magical as opposed to fighters, being white instead of Asian, living in a comfy castle as opposed to roughing it in the woods, y'know. Minor things. But they couldn't really start having heart to hearts about how rough it was to be -shudder- supporting characters. And the girls couldn't exactly admit to the struggles they had to go through due to their loves dating/flirting with/paying attention to other girls.
First of all, that would mean they would have to admit that they liked them and that's a no-no because, clearly, they weren't mature young adults and everyone thought that the opposite gender had cooties. Secondly, it would mean that, deep down, they were jealous, domineering, possessive sex kittens and that would totally ruin the bookworm/innocent demon slayer images they had going on.
So they just sorta sat around in a little circle, twiddling their thumbs and smiling at each other politely in that way that you smile at family when your mom's retelling the story of how you used to run around the house naked for the 50th time in one night when your friends are over and all you want to do is run away - Oh, is that just me?
Wellllllllllll, this sure is awkward.
Luckily Hermione voice of reason. And she reasoned that it was just about time to break up this party.
"Ok, team, time to blow this popsicle stand. We gots to get back to Hogwarts and learn some magic, yo!"
No one took her seriously. Ever. But they definitely didn't take her seriously when she tried to be "hip" and "modern" and "cool". In fact, they all started laughing, chuckling, guffawing, giggling and having rapid diaphragm contractions that resulted in air being loudly expelled from their bodies in a happy manner.
Rather than leaving, everyone returned to their picnics, giggling and pouring tea that was actually apple juice because tea is gross and eating cookies while sharing secrets and telling stories.
I'd say that everyone lived happily ever after, but we're still waiting for the sequel.
"Wait a minute! I didn't get a chance to connect with anybody! Why would I be left out?"
"Feh."
"Really! I've read those books and Ginny's perfect for me! We're almost the same person!"
"Is anyone else bothered by the fact that she's taking this so badly?"