rating was changed from M to T
AN: I've been reading too many naughty things while listening to beautiful things. Title and story inspired by Keane's Hamburg Song from Under the Iron Sea, and Honey Baby.
Disclaimer: I don't own South Park.
Hamburg Song
As he pushed further into me I released a sound of pleasure and I could feel the heat warming up my face, I watched him come over me and as he did so I reached a hand up to caress his cheek. Jerking his head away from my touch he slumped slightly before pulling out and falling to the side of me out of breathe.
I said nothing and fought to regain my own breath. If I spoke he'd only leave that much faster. When I heard him start to inhale and exhale at a normal pace I turned away and didn't bother to watch as he stood. The bed shaking slightly as his body weight was taken from it. I could hear the sounds of him getting dressed, pulling his jeans up, zipping them… pulling on his t-shirt and jacket.
He walked softly over to the door where his shoes lay discarded. I got up slowly from the bed, wrapping the bed sheet around my waist.
"Stan?" I called out quietly to him. He froze for a minute before returning to lacing his shoes crouched over with his back to me.
"What?"
Not responding immediately I walked over toward him, letting the sheet drag on the floor getting tangled in my legs. I leaned over watching him tense at the feel of me approach.
"Stan?" I called out again, even softer than before and this time he turned to look at me. I smiled sadly at the very different, very emotionless blue eyes in front of me. Their spark for life, their beauty and softness have been gone for so long now that I barely remember what they used to look like.
Despite the eyes looking at me intently, boring into my own eyes I leaned over slightly and kissed his forehead lightly. Hardly making any contact at all, before pulling away. I felt the pit of my stomach sink further. I don't think he even blinked when I did that. Not saying anything more to me he stood up and I stepped back.
"Where are you going?" I asked him walking back over to the bed to sit down and stare at him, letting the smile on my lips disappear.
"Craig's," he answered simply and directly. I nodded and let him leave my room closing the door quietly behind him.
Running a hand through my red locks I fell backward on my bed gazing up at the smooth crystal white ceiling.
On schedule my phone rang and I closed my eyes, placing a hand over my eyes as I reached over to pick to up off my night stand.
"Hey Kenny," I said without having to look at the caller ID.
"Stan already leave?" He asked.
"Yeah, just now."
"And?"
"Same response."
"Damn…are you okay Kyle?" He asked me.
"Mm-hm," I answered him my eyes still closed as I took in his voice. "He went to Craig's…bolted actually. I don't think I'm his first choice in company."
"You think Craig is?"
"I don't know…" I told him just above a whisper.
"Kyle…" Kenny hesitated before continuing. "It's not that he doesn't care about you-"
I cut him off before he could continue, "I know that. I'm not asking for him to love me Kenny, I … it'd be nice to know that I was just a little special to him. I don't even have to be his first in line. I just want to him to react; I want to see that old bright twinkle that used to be in his eyes. I hate that passive look he always has now, nothing stirs it, I don't even know if he knows that I do love him."
"Kyle-"
"Am I even moving him, making a dent in his life anymore?"
I hear Kenny sigh into the phone. I know that wherever he is he's arguing with himself.
"He's taking too much from you Kyle, Stan is draining you." He starts to speed up when he can tell I'm going to interrupt again. "Nothing you do is working on him; he doesn't want to feel anymore. You see him more than anyone else, walking around in a daze like he'll fall off the edge one day."
"That's just it…" I'm finally able to step in. "He doesn't know himself anymore, and I know he's draining me…and using me to feel perfect for just a few seconds in his day but I can't stop trying. He'll acknowledge me one day Kenny, I'll be home for him, and one day he'll smile at me and I'll feel warm and I'll know everything is going to be okay again."
"I don't have the same blind faith as you Kyle," Kenny said after a long stretch of silence.
"I know, but thanks for calling anyway."
I can't see him but I know Kenny is shaking his head in disapproval. "I'll talk to you later Kenny," I say to him and he tells me goodbye. Hanging up the phone I tighten my body into a little ball.
Sometimes I think Kenny's right; sometimes I don't think Stan will get better or that he'll ever be the way he was before all the bad stuff. But he's my best friend even if he doesn't see me that way anymore. He doesn't see anyone really. I've never minded that he sleeps with me to feel and forget if only for an instant, I don't care really that after he's done with me that he'll go on to the next person, the next, and then the next until he's worn himself out for the day. I only want for him to be okay, not to forget what happened but to be Stan again. That's why - even though Kenny hates it - I stay and allow him to use me. Because among the hoards of people he must sleep with in a day, a week…I still want to hope that maybe I'm shining a little light in his life considering I actually care about him.
It hurts of course. To see his dead eyes, to think even for a second that someone else is making him feel longer than I can.
Resting in my bed for so long I eventually fall asleep and I dream. In that dream our roles are reversed. I'm Stan and he's me, I'm the one in pain and the one that can't get over what happened in the past. But even in my dream I don't take as much as the real Stan asks for. The me in my dream can't sleep with Stan and leave him to wonder if he's touched me, even if just a little bit. When I wake up I exhale slowly, just a bad dream. Glancing over to my side I see the dark sky out my window and try to ignore the fact that no one is beside me.
Stan comes over twelve days later. There was no call in advance and like always he hasn't called me since the day he left. When he knocks on my door I have a few friends over and opening the door he stands outside of it, looking in at all of them before turning to me.
"Sorry," he says. "I should have called," and he turns to leave but I grab his wrist, nodding to myself in chide when I see him wrench his wrist out of my grasp, as if I burned him.
I look over my shoulder to my friends who are watching with interest; the football game on the television set completely forgotten.
"Hey guys, sorry but I just remembered I told Stan I'd help him out with something," I say to them in an apologetic tone to hide my lie.
The four of them stand, they don't believe me but they can feel the tension. I sigh in appreciation as they nod together and bustle to the door bypassing Stan who looks through them as if they aren't there. They each look at him carefully, calculating, but say nothing to him.
"See ya Kyle," they call out and I wave with a tight smile and watch them head down the stairs of the apartment complex. I turn back to Stan who's looking at me.
"Come in," I tell him stepping aside and closing the door behind him when he does so eyeing the mess we've all made of my apartment.
"Who's playing?" He asks uninterested eyeing the game.
"The Bronco's and the Steelers," I pause as I pick up the remote to turn off the set. "Did you… want to watch a bit of it?" I ask hearing the hope in my voice and cringing at it.
Looking from the TV to me he shakes his head, "no." He answers and makes his way to the bedroom.
I didn't think he would.
When he's inside me my eyes are shut tight as I clench the bed arching up toward him. I can feel his hot breathe against my face and hear the quickening of it. Today I don't reach out to him as he and I climax. When he pulls out I wipe the slightly damp red curls that have stuck to my forehead away and lay myself back down against the bed; at once turning away from him so as not to look at him, not wanting to see that I couldn't get a response again.
I close my eyes, tired. Waiting for Stan to leave, waiting for Kenny to call.
The phone rings and I lean over to pick it up from where it had fallen off the table landing slightly under my bed. I leave my body partially hanging off the bed as I answer the phone, staring at the carpet.
"Hi Kenny," I state into the phone.
"Did he come today?" He responds instead of a greeting back.
"Yeah," I say feeling the blood begin to rush to my head but choosing to ignore the heavy feeling.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Kyle?"
"What?" I ask.
"I didn't say anything," Kenny says and I jerk my body up and stare at my bed. Stan's looking up at the ceiling, his arms at his side.
"I didn't realize you were still here," I reply my voice shaking slightly.
"What are you talking about?" Kenny asks confused and I turn a little attention to him.
"Kenny can you call me back?"
"Okay," he says hesitantly as I hang up the phone, continuing to look at Stan expectantly. He hasn't ever laid himself down beside me for this long.
Stan sits up and swings his legs over the bed standing, and I watch a little dejected as he dresses himself and puts his shoes back on heading for the door.
I turn back away determined to not let this get to me.
"Kyle?" He asks again, but I refuse to look over and I scarcely hear him walk back over to me and around to the side of the bed I'm on. The side closest to the window, with my back always to the door, never having to see Stan's retreating back if I don't want to.
I lean back when he walks in front of me, my vision being blurred by looking straight at his pants so closely. He bends down slightly so that we're face to face our lips, noses, and eyes only being inches apart. I swallow the lump growing in my throat as I take in his usual emotionless empty eyes.
Stan reaches out to me and brushes a few strands of loose hair behind my ear as he continues to stare at me. My heart and breathe quicken as he leans in and kisses my forehead, the way I have countless times for him. A kiss on the forehead where his lips only touch me just so before he pulls away. I look at him knowing my eyes are filled with a confused surprised.
Stan says nothing more and stands back up heading back toward my door. I turn still on the bed to watch him approach the door.
"Where are you going?" I ask softly.
He doesn't turn back to face me and answers my question to the door, "home," and then he leaves.
I lay myself back down on my bed resting the back of one of my hands on my forehead as I stare up and out my window.
Breathing softly I let a warmth fill me up inside and I curl into a tight little ball, grabbing onto the pillow Stan had rested his head against, smiling into the softness.
I let out a quiet laugh and wait for Kenny to call back.
-FG
AN: Couldn't do it, I had to have a little ray of happiness at the end. (: If you haven't heard Keane's Hamburg Song from their new album I encourage you to take a listen! It's beautiful and I love the feeling it leaves me with even if it's a little sad.