Disclaimer - as always I only own my depression and I don't advise people to actually do anything in these short stories.
Part of the Sorrows collection by Georgia Hiwatari
Enjoy
Sickening Truth
I look at the food placed before me.
I feel my stomach churn. I'm so hungry, but I just can't eat it, but I have to.
They're watching me. I know they've noticed how little I've been eating as of late or how I get something to eat when they've all gone to bed.
I feel their eyes upon me as I slowly pick at the meal in front of me. Maybe, if I draw out eating then I won't feel so sick, maybe.
I hope so.
They're still watching, waiting, even though they each finished a while ago.
I sigh, they won't go until I do.
I can feel it, the churning, the twisting. I have to leave. I cough and push the rest of my plate away and get up to leave.
"Rei, sit back down and finish your meal."
I stop, they're all watching, all except one. He continues to watch in front of himself.
"Kai, I'm not hungry so I'm going to go to bed, it's been a long day and I'm tired now, so if you don't mind, I'll be leaving now." I have to leave. I need to get away, the pain is getting more and more unbearable.
"Tyson, Max, Kenny, leave now, I need to have a word with Rei here." Kai remained seated, his tone cold and serious.
"Erm, sure thing Kai. Come on guys lets go play some video games or something." replied Tyson.
With that Tyson, Max and Kenny rose from their seats and left to the sitting room where the games were situated.
I remain standing, facing the table, left alone with my Russian friend. This was not going to get any better anytime soon. I sigh, I really wanted to leave, the pain in my stomach increasing.
"Rei, I told you to sit back down and finish your meal."
"And I said that I wasn't hungry and that I'd be leaving now, so, again, excuse me."
I began to turn to leave when Kai grabbed my arm, forcing me to stay where I was, "I said to sit down, I need to talk to you. Now."
"What about?" I sit, I was going nowhere now, no matter how much I wanted, no, needed to go.
Kai sighed and rubbed his temples with his index and middle fingers, resting his elbows on the table, "Rei, you have to stop this, it's not healthy, and the others are beginning to worry and I don't know what to tell them."
I sat there in a state of shock.
I should have known that this would happen, but I didn't expect it this soon, or like this.
There was only one solution to this situation, play the innocent card.
"What are you on about Kai? Stop what?" I smiled, trying to act like my 'normal' self again.
"Rei, for crying out loud don't do this to me, to yourself." He jerks up from the table, "For fucks sake Rei, don't play the innocent act, it's not going to work this time, you know exactly what I'm on about!"
I just sat there, motionless.
"I've been watching you closely for the past couple of weeks now Rei, I can't stand it anymore, watching you destroy yourself everyday anymore. It may not seem like I do all the time, but I do actually care about what happens to everyone close to me, especially you."
I closed my eyes. I could hear the hurt in his voice and even the slight disappointment. I had caused that, that pain in my captain, my friend.
I felt more disgust in myself, my stomach began churning again. I had to go, I needed to release the disgust in the pit of my being, it needed to come out.
I abruptly stood back up, knocking over my chair as I did so.
Kai looked at me, right in the eyes. I couldn't hold his gaze, there was too much pain in them.
"Rei?"
"I'm sorry, Kai."
I turned and ran.
Out of the kitchen, through the sitting room, past Tyson, Max and Kenny, and upstairs into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
"Damnit, Rei!"
I heard Kai yell from back down in the kitchen and then his movements as he began to head up towards the bathroom where I was situated.
I turned towards the toilet. The footsteps were getting closer with every passing moment.
Lifting up the toilet seat, I knelt down moving my bangs out of my face. It needed to be done, I had caused the others pain and I had to suffer for my sins. It came naturally nowadays, no longer forced, like it used to be. I pushed my index and middle fingers into the back of my throat, my muscle automatically flexing against the intrusion as I pushed my fingers further back into my throat, making myself relax as I waited for what seemed like an eternity until I heaved. My stomach jerked as what little contents inside were pushed back up my gullet as I threw up into the toilet bowl. The acid burned the back of my throat as I remained knelling before the toilet, fingers down my neck as all of the substances left in my stomach were brought back up.
I heard a slump against the bathroom door.
It was Kai, he had heard me, heard me throwing up, heard my shame. I had forgotten, in my haste, to turn on the taps like I usually did, to help drown out the sounds of my heaving, God I was so stupid.
"Why, Rei? Please just tell me, don't keep doing this to yourself, let me help. Please."
The sounds of Kai outside, so worried, so sad, this wasn't Kai, this wasn't who he was. I had made him like this.
Still I remained over the bowl, my hand now by my side, there was nothing left inside. I was empty, completely empty.
Tears stung my eyes.
This was new, I hadn't cried since I had started to do this. This had always made me feel better. It calmed me, made me relax and forget about everything going on in my life. It helped me focus before a match, made me more confident.
This time though it didn't.
I could hear Kai outside, the others had come upstairs, he was telling them to leave. As usual Tyson wouldn't listen, he wanted to know what the hell was going on, I heard Max and Kenny lead him away.
I slowly rose up from the floor, flushed the toilet and headed over to the sink. Washing out my mouth and my hands I looked in the mirror.
I had become thinner and pale, my once golden and alert eyes were now all red and puffy, the life drained out of them. I looked fucking pitiful basically.
The tears continued to fall.
Kai was right, as usual, I did need help. I couldn't stop this on my own, no matter how hard I tried, the temptation was just far to strong for me to resist it. It was psychological, that I knew, what I didn't know was the cause, the reason behind why I did it, I had been doing it for so long now it no longer held any meaning really anymore, it was just an addiction now, a craving.
I walked over to the door, unlocked it and looked Kai right in his eyes. The dark crimson pools, so many emotions were running through them, it was unbelievable, there was so much going on in them.
Tears continued to run down my features as I lost myself in those eyes, his gaze, only one thing came to my mind. I began to speak, Kai listening closely.
"Help me."
End
There you go, another depressing situation to add to my collection.
I hope you enjoyed.
Please review, if there is anything that you'd like me to write about just tell me in the review.
Georgia Hiwatari x