AN: Here is where the sensitive issue is brought up. Self mutilation. Suicide attempt. I'll try to avoid making people too uncomfortable, but this is the first time I've attempted writing something like this. You have been warned.

Ch. 2

Hitomi's POV

I can't help but stare at the bandages. They're wrapped around my wrists, white and unblemished, and I lay on the futon propped up enough so that I may stare at them as long as I wish. A reminder of my actions.

It was hard to believe I had done that, and instead of the self hatred I should feel- the shame and self doubt- I was more in awe of my destructive powers.

I never thought I could go through with it.

What was wrong with me?

I remember being horribly angry at the moment when Mamoru found me, laying in the tiny bathtub we owned with the shower head beating down on me. The water had gone cold but I couldn't feel it. I'll already been in there for an hour before I even put the razor to my skin and sat back to nothingness.

I had failed. I knew that the moment Mamoru came into the tiny bathroom, dressed in his school uniform. His book bag was still over his shoulder. I'd failed because he came home early.

He told me later on that he'd come home because he "had a bad feeling", and I wish terribly hard he doesn't have the same abilities as I do. I wouldn't wish them on anyone.

He hadn't brought me to the hospital, too afraid they'd take me away from him. Lock me away someplace where he'd never get to see me, and send him back to father. He'd told me this, crying later, when I was silent in bed. I refused to look at him for so long.

If he hadn't been there...

I don't know what would have happened. Perhaps just as he feared. If I did go away... where would he go.

I could talk to him again after I realized this fact. He'd snuggled into bed next to me, trying not to cry too much while I whispered promises- that I now intended to keep- into his ears and soothed his hair flat to his head. He always had unruly hair like father, and another male I knew...

"I will never leave you again, I promise. I'll take care of you."

Even if it meant the sacrifice of my happiness.

What was happiness anyway?

Happiness- I'm sure- comes to me in dreams. In Van. In Mamoru who I watch over every night and make sure he has a good foothold in life like I never seemed to have.

If I was given the chance, I would do nothing differently... it was a hard thing to realize.

That means no staying on Gaea like I was asked to. No attending Tokyo University, or running off to America with my two best friends. No enjoying my teen years and worrying about exams endlessly.

Only work and Mamoru and this lonely state I've realized has become part of me. Seeping in through the cracks of the foundation I've built up on and which has crumbled so violently, so suddenly.

If Mamoru hadn't found me...

I stare at the pale skin under my arms, and my somewhat bony fingers. The little catches that clung to the fabric, holding my bandages together. Keeping me together.

A reminder...

I tilt my head and finger my hair slowly. It's grown so long... when did I stop cutting it? I couldn't remember. It seemed so unimportant, but now seemed a vital part of life. I nearly laughed at the thought of what people might say back on Gaea. Perhaps I wouldn't be mistaken for a boy... perhaps Van might find it prettier.

Since the 'accident', I often found myself thinking "what would Van like?" Like I actually know what his personal preferences were. It wasn't even just passing fancy either. Not drifting thought, or vague question. I would actually find myself getting giddy over the prospect.

Would Van like this outfit? Would Van like my nails this long? Would Van like these shoes?

Stupid really... but I could almost feel his hands running distractedly through my hair, grazing my scalp shyly before becoming a little more bolder and leaning down to plant a small kiss on my forehead. My eyes. My nose. My lips.

I was going insane. Or was this just the repercussions of love? To act so horribly stupid?

I could have laughed the first time Mamoru asked what I was thinking about and I'd told him "nothing to concern yourself with." At the time it had been a less than innocent fancy that would have made me blush all those years ago.

It seemed I was the only one without someone, but it didn't bother me. It wasn't like school when people would nudge you and say "why don't you have a boyfriend, Hitomi?" Scandalized if you told them you just weren't interested. Though the elderly lady next door did push a bit, saying it might help us out if there was a man in the house.

I tried to manage. I did.

I just... slipped off the right path a moment.

Or rather... tumbled head over heels with sharp rocks the entire way down.

The last of the sun is shining through the window. I should be at work... or starting the next one job. What time was it?

I moved to sit up, but Mamoru- much to my annoyance- somehow heard from the living room/dining room and was at the door in no time.

"Hitomi, you need to stay in bed."

I tried a half hearted excuse. I should be at work. I should be cleaning the house. I should be doing something.

He was ready for my protests, and came fully into the room, handing me a mug of tea I hadn't noticed before. "I already called into work for you. You don't need to worry about it. I told them you were deathly ill."

He grinned, despite the gravity of the situation, and I felt horribly guilty as I took the steaming tea from his hand to blow on.

"I need to make money or we can't live here..."

His smile didn't falter. Not for a moment.

Sometimes I wondered who was taking care of who.

"I got a part time job after school... at the grocery store down the road."

He sat back into the pillows, looking up at him in amazement.

I loved him... I was glad I took him with me.

"You're too good to me."

"I know."

I wanted him to crawl into bed beside me, but he hurried off again. The little man of the house, only not so little anymore. A part time job... he was taking care of me.

I remember a time when I found him annoying, like all big sisters sometimes felt of their younger siblings. When he used to pinch me and go crying to mom when I even took a step in his direction. Or when he used to sneak into my room and go through my personal belongings.

I remember telling Van about how annoying he could be. I felt guilty for them.

So long ago...

Placing the tea to the side, I continued to stare aimlessly around the room and back down to my bandages.

Oh, if Van were to see me now. What would he say?

Would he hate me? Would he pity me? Make love to me...?

I like to imagine it would be all of those, though I knew he'd probably be more angry. He'd probably take it as a person blow... that maybe I was trying to leave him behind.

For some reason I could picture his voice clearer than usual. Had I heard him recently? Had he spoken these words before when I was on Gaea?

You could have just let me help you, Hitomi. I could take care of you...

I would gladly let him care for me... but it seemed too late now. Just a whimsical fancy.

Van might even be married already. Have a family of his own. He wouldn't have any room for a selfish, seer from the mystic moon.

I felt stupid, and angry with myself again, and slumped further into the comfort of the sheets, staring up at the off white ceiling and hoping that someday I would forget him to save myself.

Another selfish thought.

I will never forget you, Hitomi.

My heart was pounding. My mouth was dry... and was I sure I was hearing voices.

...And I was speaking back suddenly. "Why not?"

Stupid question...

I felt myself getting angry again... not at myself this time.

"It's not a stupid question!"

A chuckle that reverberated around her head, rolled around her mouth and covered all her senses until she was sure she couldn't breath. Couldn't stop her racing heart.

I promised I wouldn't.

"Promises can be broken."

I was crying... I didn't even notice until I felt the coldness of it sliding against my earlobe and into my hair. The voice was silent, and I desperately wanted it back.

I sat up, staring around the room as if hoping to see him. Hoping to see him sitting at the end of the futon with that fierce look in his eyes he always held. Determination in everything he did.

"Van!"

Mamoru was at the door, watching me with a strange look on his face. "Hitomi?"

I was panting, and sweating horribly and turned- what I could only assume to be- wild eyes on my little brother who stood strong in his post despite his worry. "Where is he?"

"The king from Gaea? He was called Van right..."

I nodded, feeling numb and strange. It was odd when someone uttered his name in this world. I'd told Mamoru the tales of course, and at the time he had been young enough to believe. I wondered if he still did...

"You were speaking in a different language."

I was shocked, and could only stare at him a moment before laughter broke through me. Slowly at first, and than I was doubled over with it. My body shook with them.

Laughter slowly turned into wrenching sobs.

Mamoru wasn't startled, or frightened. He patiently took a seat in front of me, cross-legged on the blankets. "Did he talk back."

I nodded again, fighting the hurt.

"Well... than you haven't lost him after all."

I would love my little brother forever.