Friday, April 23, 2010

27

when he bids me

separate

go home

stop following behind

let there be

time without memory

all is loss

my soul gone

into numb nothingness

my body unable

to know or move

from this strange

forbidden garden

he lures me here

where love will not come again

-when angels speak of love by bell hooks

I Want You by Kings of Leon

Damon left his private study promptly at 2:30, when he heard Jeremy downstairs trying to quietly steal something from his liquor cabinet.

"Shouldn't you be in school, Little Gilbert."

"Shit Damon! I thought you weren't home!"

"Now, why would you think that?"

"Because I've been here for like an hour," Damon hadn't heard a thing. He spent the last hour trapped in a painful cycle of old memories. As soon as he was free of them, he thought to see Alaric. His newest companion to escape to when things got dicey inside his mind.

"You never answered my question. Why aren't you at school or better yet why aren't you at your house pilfering Jenna's booze."

"I got into a fight, and I don't want to go home cause Elena would kill me. Stefan already said it was okay."

Damon looked on in annoyance as Jeremy made himself comfortable on his couch feet up on the coffee table like he owned the place. For perhaps the millionth time, Damon reminded himself that killing Jeremy was a bad thing. Unfortunately, Elena was a kind sister and like having a living brother.

"Fine but don't touch my good liquor," Damon ran to the kitchen and grabbed a few beers," here is one beer. Make it count little Gilbert."

"Thanks Damon!"

Being behind the wheel felt good, it was always Damon's way of clearing his head. It only sucked that the drive into town felt too short. Lately he had found his memories of the past engulfing him, raging like the fire that almost took him out nearly two months ago. The nightmares of the past had always been the same, dark eyes wet with betrayal staring helplessly back at him. He wished he could be free of the dreams, but perhaps the nightmares were his price for freedom finally coming due. A small price.

Damon arrived fifteen minutes after the last school bus left Mystic Falls Highschool. Alaric had explained a few weeks back that he would be busier, because all the spring break projects would be coming in. Damon hoped his friend could make some time to talk with him. If he couldn't then Damon would find a way to make time.

Per usual he could smell her before he saw her. And just like always he felt intoxicated and perplexed by her scent. It was distinctly floral until it wasn't then it became spicy or earthy. Today she smelt floral, no hint of earthiness until… Bonnie opened the door to the classroom colliding with Damon's chest.

Fifteen seconds, that was her typical turnaround time, whenever she saw him. The immediate catching of the breath, the delicious confusion, finally ending in embarrassment that tinged her delicate ears red. However lately things were changing, she was bouncing back faster, her ears were no longer blushing, and her eyes held a knowing that wasn't there before. The new thing however was something he hadn't expected, Bonnie had taken up biting her lip. It was a signal well recognized as undeniable attraction. Sometimes he wondered if she were taunting him begging him to do something to her. Damon loved when she bit her lip, it didn't replace the slight glowing of her eyes, but it was a close second.

Their eyes were locked as he led them out of the doorway and to the right holding her waste gingerly," Hello little bird."

"Hello Salvatore," she whispered, and he tried not smile but there was electricity shooting through his body.

There was an audible cough that broke the moment up. Alaric was staring at the two of them with an indiscernible smile. Bonnie pushed Damon away, putting her hand on his chest not bothering to say goodbye to either of them.

Recognizing he might be in a bit of a pickle with Alaric he decided to turn the tables and sent the first accusations of misconduct his way.

"Late night meetings with a student, why Alaric, you scoundrel!!?"

"What do you want Damon?" Alaric rolled his eyes as Damon got in the way.

"What's with the attitude Al? I am only playing unless I struck gold."

"No, Damon, I was simply informing our green-eyed friend that it was imperative that she get her grades up unless she planned on failing. I offered her extra credit."

"Extra credit," Damon seems to get serious for a moment his voice turning dark," What kind of extra credit."

"Why, Damon are you jealous? That would explain what I saw between the two of you earlier."

"Ha!" Damon's laugh was pinched," No, that was… she hates me, and I don't fancy her either after our last little square off."

"Yeah, really didn't look that way to me."

"She is seriously annoying and incredibly judgey. I mean I save her, and her best friends lives on a regular basis, yet she looks at me like I am a monster I mean I am. But that's not the point Al, I came here to provide you an unhelpful distraction while you grade papers." Waving the two bottles of beer in the air, Damon moved passed and headed to the classroom, Alaric trailing behind.

"You know you two are awful lot alike. Not even two minutes ago she was complaining about you and asking me how I could even tolerate you."

Alaric grabs the beer, cracking it open against the desk. Damon was surprised her expected to have to fight to convince Alaric to have a drink with him. Instead, Alaric settled feet up and with an uncharacteristically haughty smirk on his face.

"Engh! Incorrect me and broom-hilda have nothing in common Alaric."

"Oh! You're both headstrong, incredibly protective, and fiercely loyal to Elena. Her words by the way not mine."

Damon was taken aback; he tried his best not to appear flustered by these words and sat down on top of a desk facing Alaric. Bonnie was venting to Alaric about him. Strange. Even stranger was the butterflies that had grown inside the pit of his stomach. A unique feeling, he hadn't felt for, well since he was human. I am sure I felt this around Elena just its weird feeling that for Bonnie. It's probably not even that, just shock. Yeah shock.

"Elena is the only good thing we have in common," Damon cleared his throat prying the top off the beer with his bare hand before having a long swig of what was effectively water to him.

"The only good thing hunh?"

"Yeah," Damon responded curtly becoming increasingly frustrated with Alaric. This was supposed to be a fun kickback, slightly deep for maybe five minutes then back to chill, not a grilling about his feelings. Plus, Alaric wasn't normally this chatty. Something was up.

Before Damon could re-direct Alaric interjected, tossing the bottle in the trash closest to the door.

"Good, then why does it bother you, what the witch thinks? I mean Elena's the only good thing that matters right?" Alaric looked at him, his blue eyes taking on their familiar piercing nature.

Why did it matter? He wasn't sure when her opinion of him started to matter. So much had happened in such a short period of time, he had changed in such a short period of time. Part of that was due to Elena, but he knew that Bonnie played a huge contributing factor.

It has only been two months ago that she tried to kill him and his brother, then changed her mind and saved them. Not to long after he saved her best friend Caroline upon, her request, then when Caroline did what vampires do, Bonnie tried to kill him again. At nearly every turn Elena was somehow involved, if she was the referee between them, they could get along. Elena was the reason Bonnie wasn't trying to kill him all the time anymore.

Then there were times when Elena, wasn't around and it was just the two of them. Like with Mason Lockwood thing, Bonnie had literally helped him kill a man. But again, that was for Elena's sake. So why did he care? Bonnie only tolerated him because of Elena, so why did he tolerate her.

Sure, she was attractive but those moments they were alone like that were few and far between, the moments didn't even last long. Damon couldn't rationalize his desire for Bonnie's good opinion. He just knew that Bonnie was not going to give it to him easily, it had to be earned and that made it immediately more valuable. Plus, Bonnie was loving, like Elena, but unlike Elena her love was reserved for a handful of people. She didn't love many but when she did, well she would spare her worse enemy because you asked her to. Bonnie's love was special and like Elena's something he longed for but knew he would most likely never have.

Realizing that Alaric was waiting, Damon started answering not really thinking about what was coming out.

"I don't know. We have history I guess, because of her family. And just because the promise was broken doesn't mean… It's not like I care… at least not like with Elena. It's just that… I need…"

"For her to see more than the monster within?"

More than the monster within. Truer words had never been spoken, once again he was reminded of why he and Alaric were friends. He just got it. However, Damon wasn't ready to admit that there was more to it all, so he shook his head no, keeping his gaze locked on the bottle in his hand.

"Elena is capable of seeing that, and that is what matters," Damon made to throw the bottle away deciding against it. Although, Alaric didn't seem to care much for hiding the evidence now, he knew he'd do his friend a solid and throw the bottles away before he left.

"Sure," Alaric was quite lost in his own thoughts as the extended fingers of his right hand lightly tapped the table with a mysterious repetition. Damon recognized that Alaric was caught in a dark memory. Augustine was his, he wondered what Alaric's was. Was it Isobel? He felt guilty and tried to stuff the thought away, instead clearing his throat to break Alaric from his reverie.

"To be fair, Damon, I really don't think she hates you. Annoyed absolutely. But judging by the way she speaks of you and how she looked at you earlier, hate is not the emotion projecting itself the loudest where you a concerned," Alaric smiled impishly as if he had caught Damon with something particularly juicy. It is strange how his mood just shifted.

"You noticed, hunh." Damon spoke trying to play it cool, deciding not to look Alaric in the eye. He wasn't sure he wouldn't be able to hide his, satisfaction? Disappointment? Damon was quite content to watch her tortured reactions to him silently, but somewhere along the way he had started to wonder if he was making all the little moments between them up. Now, he knew he wasn't crazy, the intense sexual energy between them was the subtext in every one of their interactions. Although Alaric knowing presented Damon with another conundrum, what he should do about it.

Surely, more people would notice eventually, when the "we hate each other", excuse got old. That would make things way too awkward, especially with Elena.

"Does that influence your desire of her good opinion, or maybe it's the real reason you feel the need to protect her?"

"No, absolutely not," Damon answered quickly noting that he sounded a little panicked," I do it for Elena. Elena's the reason I take care of her, truly."

Alaric's eyes narrowed for a moment as he got up suddenly, perhaps ready to cross Damon again for his obvious lie. Alaric held his gaze the silence growing more deafening, a cold chill began to run down Damon's spine,

Suddenly, Alaric broke the silence looking as indifferent as he had when Damon first entered the room," I'm sure she'd say the same mate. Anway I am tired, so I am going to head home. Maybe consider, Damon whether Elena is truly the only good thing you are concerned about. Who knows one day their lives may depend on your choice? Either way leave, please"

Damon felt himself get up, grab the bottle from the trash and head out the door. The sun had barely set when he arrived back at the Boarding House, his mind was clouded by the strange interaction with Alaric and his even stranger revelation about Bonnie.

Damon made it home just as the night fell firmly. The spring air was pleasant still chilly but enjoyable. He remembered his time as a pre-teen when he would sneak out of the house with a bottle of cooking sherry, while his father was away on business.

The servants watched the house pantry like a hawk, but the cooking sherry was always readily available. Partly because it was a popular item used by their French trained kitchen hand. Partly because Damon, and the kitchen hand often took several swigs of the same bottle. Damon always assumed the man excused the rapid depletion to be a result of his own alcoholism not Damon's.

Ready to settle in and tuck into a newly open bottle of bourbon he had brought down from his mid-level collection, he headed for his private study but the sounds of voices in the main hall stopped him in his tracks.

Damon could hear Jeremy and Bonnie, having a conversation at almost hushed tones. Bonnie was crying. He headed their direction instantly, but thought better of barging in. He wasn't sure why he felt the need to protect Bonnie anymore. She was more than capable of protecting herself. He thought about turning around but decided to stay.

"Hey, hey, I'll never want anyone else the way I want you."

"You mean that?" Bonnie sniffed; Damon could see the small little snot dribble in his mind's eye clearly, his heart twisting and warming at the same time. Damon was slightly annoyed by Jeremy, what had he done that required Bonnie to ask if she was wanted? She was gorgeous, who wouldn't want her. He chalked it up to the little witches' own insecurities.

"Absolutely, you know how long I've had a crush on you?"

"I don't know a couple of months," Damon chuckled internally, she can't be serious.

"Talk about a couple of years, since puberty and maybe even a little bit before that."

Then it went silent, and all Damon could hear was the sound of clothes and skin rubbing together. His chest felt painful for a moment, but his throat pinched tightly. It was hard to swallow, he thought of Elena briefly and they way she kissed Stefan. The feeling was similar not the same just similar. The real reason you feel the need to protect her is because you want her, but you know she won't let you have her. The thought was heavy and made his skin vibrate uncomfortably.

Pining after Elena was one thing, it was expected after all he had spent a century loving her lesser twin. If he could have Elena, he would love her endlessly for several centuries to make up for loss time. What he felt for Bonnie had always been lust, this feeling was different, and he wasn't sure he liked it.

Bonnie was giggling still breathing deeply, "You mean the world Jer. I would do anything for you."

"And I for you Bon. I love my sister and I'd do anything to protect her. But you are who I choose to love."

"Jeremy, she is your sister I'd never … just know that I won't let you make that choice. I choose us, our friends, and our family even if it means I will have to give everything to do so."

"Do you even hear yourself?" Damon finally woke up, processing the last lines of conversation, and realizing Bonnie's words felt more like a statement than a hypothetical. Fiercely loyal, self-sacrificing does sound familiar.

"Jer, why are you upset? It's not like anything bad is going to happen."

"Because Bonnie, no one thinks like you or loves like you do. It's what makes you so infuriatingly perfect."

Damon knew where things were headed again and decided to interrupt, playing it cool as usually," Ooh, hello lovebirds you mind if I join in?"

Tangled in each other they both looked at him, with disdain, well more so annoyance on Jeremy's part," Yes, we do mind, Damon," the boy spoke playing tough guy as usual.

Damon ignored him completely, his attention was on Bonnie, and he noticed something that burned a whole in his stomach and made his skin bristle with anger. Bonnie's eyes were still glowing brightly, brighter than he had ever seen and they began dimming slowly, clearly because he had entered the room. The distinct feeling of jealousy was not lost on him in that moment. But he shook it away attempting to keep his mind focused on being aloof, but he knew is frustration could be seen where it really mattered, his eyes.

Bonnie was staring at him, a hard look of consternation on her face. He could sense her brain calculating the thing that didn't add up. The lewd joke, the smirk, everything was unintelligibly different, there was just the whiff of something being off.

"Don't look at me like that Bon-Bon it's my house. If you don't want me to cut in, then take it to one of your houses," the words came out in a growl, not nearly as cavalier as he hoped. The sight of the two together in front of his roaring fireplace should not bother him. He was sure it wouldn't if, what? In what scenario had he ever handled Bonnie with someone else appropriately.

"Come on Bonnie, let me take you home," Jeremy spoke gruffly making his best attempt to sound stern after being un-surreptitiously thrown out.

Bonnie stared back at Damon in confusions as he continued to glare the smirk finally slipping from his face as they passed, yet his eyes never left hers and instead they followed her into the hallway. The last thing he saw before they disappeared into the darkly lit corridor was a small sly smile appear on Bonnie's lips.

She knew.