Final Fantasy VII is the property of Squaresoft/Square-Enix.

A/N: Basically, this is an A/U high school fic, with Cloud and Reno as teenage brothers living in Midgar. A chaotic adventure ensues. …All I have to say is that this is different. I'm taking a lot of license here—but don't worry. Just trust me. And if you don't like it? I don't care. Okay, I probably will. Whatever.

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Somewhere Between the Algebra and the Arson

1. Chewed Out

It was the most ridiculous thing to bet on. And it was wagered by Seniors, no less. Elena put five-gil on schizophrenia. Pete's money was riding on ADD. Biggs fought rather furiously for homosexuality, the only time that he ever would. And Cloud's brother had gambled on some sort of 'ignored child seeking attention' syndrome.

And while sitting in Mrs. Richter's office, sinking back in that cushion chair and watching that smile of hers grow ever larger, Cloud unwillingly recalled these various wagers. He got to thinking: perhaps the Seniors weren't being as absurd as he first thought them to be. Because the woman before him really did believe him to be some sort of troubled kid: she repeatedly empathized with him, spoke nicely to him, and generally patronized him. And she truly did sympathize with him, apparently because of one single fact.

"Wait a minute here, you…you honestly think that I set Mrs. Sheldon's hamster on fire?" Cloud questioned incredulously.

Cloud's dumbfounded look did not break his counselor's patient demeanor. In fact, Mrs. Richter smiled kindly at the boy, one out of several dozen she had given him in the past half-hour. "Cloud, there's no need to deny it. Mrs. Alton can testify to the incident herself."

"Goddamn, the woman walked in right after I did!"

Obscenities only exacerbated her sympathy. She seemed to take no offense whatsoever. It was really starting to piss off Cloud. "Really?" she asked.

"Yes, really," he answered impatiently.

"Would you like to elaborate on what 'really' happened, then?"

"Okay, look, I went in to ask Mrs. Sheldon a question about a lab we were working on, but she wasn't there. I smelled fire, though. So I turned around and found her hamster cage on the floor, and Wonky was just…combusting or something, she was up in flames!"

"Is that so?"

"Yes! And then I panicked and ran over to the fire extinguisher. Then Mrs. Alton walked in. She saw the cage blazing, and she started going postal on me. She wrested the extinguisher from my hands and started spraying everything within like, a five-foot radius of the cage. I told her and Mrs. Sheldon what happened, but apparently they don't believe me."

"Nobody ever said that they didn't believe you, Cloud."

"Then why was I sent here?"

She smiled once again. Either that or it grew wider. "You are a smart young man, aren't you? Yes, we believe that there's more to your situation than yesterday's incident."

"My situation?"

"Yes, your situation."

Well, Cloud now knew who would be winning fifteen dollars after this. "I didn't know I had a 'situation'."

"Well, you're just an oblivious one, aren't you?" She teased. Still smiling, she moved her notepad to the side, pulled Cloud's file from where it lay on her desk, put on her nearly minuscule reading glasses, and proceeded to read off the long list of details that made up his student record. He was a Freshman, having turned 15 in August. His blood type was AB. He had lived in sector 6 his entire life, but he was born in Nibelheim. Mother, Gale Strife, office secretary. Father, Raymond Strife, deceased due to a reactor explosion that occurred when Cloud was 8. Cloud had had all of his major flu and virus shots already. He played football last semester, but was on the freshman team. He was an AB student. He enjoyed moonlit dinners and long walks on the beach. The strangest place he had ever made whoopee was-

Obviously, the last three details were fictitious and not listed in the file. But honestly, Cloud couldn't see why Mrs. Richter went to the trouble of reading it aloud in the first place. He felt like he was in the most boring episode of 'This is Your Life' ever. But it really was sad how monotonous his existence was. If she had mentioned the fact that he saw a flock of seagulls fly over Midgar once, then that would have made his life substantially more interesting. Instead, it was your typical story of an average slums boy. The only person in his life who really did complicate things was-

"-One older brother, Reno Strife, age 18. A senior." Mrs. Richter read. Her eyes peered at Cloud over the sheet. So that was what this was all about. She was supposed to have read Reno's name right after his parents', not right after reading his grades. "Cloud, do you and your brother get along?"

He shrugged, replying with the typical teenage answer. "I don't know." Indifference to everything characterized every lazy kid.

"Are you two buddies? Ever hang out?"

"Not really."

"Well then, do you two fight a lot?"

"…Pretty much. My mom's always scolding us, though."

Immediately her pen had hit the notepad, quickly scribbling something down. Mrs. Richter was one of those funny people who had to kind of mutter every single word that she wrote to herself, and Cloud could easily discern the words "rooted in brotherly antagonism?" emerging not-so-indiscreetly from her mouth.

She finished soon enough, picking up right where she left off and re-stapling her smile back onto her face. "So," she continued, "what sorts of things do you two fight about?"

"Uh, I don't know," said Cloud, scratching his head. "Um, I did start yelling at him this morning for dropping my toothbrush on the floor."

"And…?"

"And, um…" he was so confused. He desperately wanted to get out of there. He could have been outside playing football right now. God knows that he really needed to work on his throwing. Hell, he would take English over this. He figured that maybe she would stop asking him questions if he just kept blurting out another random things to say. "…We also fight about who has to take out the trash." He added.

Mrs. Richter shook her head disappointedly, removing her glasses and looking at Cloud seriously. "Cloud, you are aware of Reno's…history of delinquency, yes? Of course you are. Well then, what do you think about it? Do you approve of your brother's behavior?"

"No. No, I don't approve." This wasn't a lie. Reno really did piss off Cloud sometimes with his jackass stunts. It wasn't so much the fact that it caused bodily injury to others as much it was the embarrassment brought to Cloud himself. Everyday at school it was the same thing. 'Hey! Isn't your brother the guy who detonated that paint bomb in the library?' 'Whoa, you're the psycho's little brother!' 'Hey kid, is your brother dead yet?'

Of course the only reason that Reno hadn't been kicked out of school yet was that he was never caught. Sure, everyone knew that he was the one who toilet papered the computer lab, stink bombed the girls' locker rooms, and rigged the votes for the Homecoming dance (Mrs. Richter was elected queen, while a "smoldering pile of garbage sitting behind the gym" was elected king. Really. That what was scribbled on the 'write-in' ballots.) But there was never any evidence that proved it. The only crimes he was ever apprehended for were petty theft and being disruptive in class.

Though Mrs. Richter always found herself more than disappointed with Reno, she seemed to have some hope for poor little Cloud. "Cloud, I am not one to point fingers. But when student… 'rumors' sway toward one unanimous opinion, then it's hard not to agree with them. So, I'm not trying to blame your brother for anything, but I must say that he is a usual suspect in many…wrongdoings at this campus. Do you agree?"

"Uh, I guess." Though Mrs. Richter had spoke to him rather condescendingly, he still answered accordingly.

"You yourself never try to emulate Reno's actions, do you, Cloud?"

"No. The stuff he does is stupid."

"Indeed. So Cloud, do you feel that you are the more…'sensible' one?"

Cloud assented, nodding. "I guess I am less of a headache-causer to my mom that he is."

"Why, he's the ass cream to my hemorrhoid, Mrs. Richter," said a voice.

Cloud froze. He didn't have to turn around. He didn't have to make sure that was his brother's sarcastic drawl. He didn't have to see him standing in the doorframe with that mischievous look on his face. Cloud just knew. With Reno, he never had to double check.

Mrs. Richter looked equally surprised; she watched incredulously as Reno strode across the room and plopped himself in the seat beside his brother. Cloud slowly glanced over at him. He was wearing his usual trench coat over his jungle green army fatigues and a crumpled button-down blue short sleeve. He greeted Cloud with a goofy smirk, waving an ink-stained hand at his younger brother. Cloud rolled his eyes contemptuously in reply.

"So what's goin' down, Mrs. Richter?" Reno asked casually, "How're the kids?"

"They're doing well, Reno," she answered, regaining her composure (as well as her toothy smile). But she didn't seem to have as warm a manner towards Reno as she had towards Cloud. "Might I ask what you're doing in here today? Did you argue with Mr. Hagen again?"

"Ah, nothing of the sort, ma'am. Just thought I'd drop by and say hello, ask about the family, check if my brother's been assigned a psychological disorder yet."

Her smile did not waver. "And why would you need to do that, Reno?"

Reno grinned too, as if he were at a party or something. It was a standoff of grins. "No reason, really. I'm just concerned for his welfare." Cloud snorted amusedly at this.

"I'm glad that you're concerned for someone's welfare, Reno." There was definitely some sharp tension there. She decided to say nothing further to him, instead turning to Cloud, intent on continuing her questioning. "So Cloud, you were saying that you never imitate your brother here?"

Cloud hesitated again. He glanced over at Reno, who was busy raiding Mrs. Richter's candy jar. The scarlet head seized no fewer than six gumballs and shoveled the whole lot into his mouth, chomping on it contentedly. Mrs. Richter again watched him with disapproval. Cloud chose to answer "no" to the question, after finally deciding that Reno was too distracted to care about this little interview.

"So you feel that you are reasonable," she stated, "however, you had decided to set fire to Mrs. Sheldon's hamster?"

This accusation brought Cloud on the offensive again. "Hey, I told you I didn't do it!"

"Well who did? Certainly not Mrs. Sheldon!"

"Burnt match," said Reno calmly.

"What?"

"Burnt match." He had spat out the gum into his hand, and before allowing Mrs. Richter her 'ugh-of-disgust' time, he said, "Wonky's cage is right next to the trash can in Mrs. Sheldon's room. Cloud said that they were doing a calorie calculation lab, which would require the use of a Bunsen burner to light the chips and crackers. To light the burner, you need a match. When class was over, one of the stray matches most likely fell into Wonky's cage, slowly lighting the cage's hay and sawdust on fire. Wonky caught on fire and was getting cremated when Cloud walked into the room." The wad of gum flew back into his mouth, and Reno sat back, chewing once more.

Neither of the two spoke. They only stared at Reno, who continued to chew his gum indifferently.

"Reno," Mrs. Richter finally said, "just how do you know all of this?"

The teen merely nodded towards Cloud, as if to say, "Ask him yourself."

Mrs. Richter looked over at Cloud, who sat with a confused look on his face. "Cloud," she asked patiently, though she didn't bother with the smile, "did you all do a lab yesterday?" He nodded. "And did this lab require the use of a match?" Another nod. "And…is Wonky's cage always situated next to the trash can?" Nod. "So you…believe that your brother's theory is a probable cause?"

Hell yes, he did. It took him off the hook, didn't it? "It's possible."

She shook her head. "That may be true, however, I will be reconfirming these facts with Mrs. Sheldon. Now, you are free to leave," Cloud looked at her eagerly, "but first I will need you to answer this career questionnaire for me. You were absent when everyone else took it." The excited countenance on Cloud's face fell. "Don't worry, this won't take long."

No, these things took forever, especially when a freaking counselor was intent on verbally asking you every single question on the sheet. How funny that she picked now of all times to have him fill it out.

"Now let's see," her eyes skimmed over the questionnaire. "On a scale of one to five, one being low and five being high, how would you rate your work ethic?"

"Uh…four, I guess."

"We'll put a three down, just to be safe." From what, Cloud didn't know. "Are you interested in any sort of machinery, Cloud? The choices are 'yes', 'no', and 'a little'."

His brow furrowed. "How the hell can you be interested in machinery?"

"Sexually, maybe, like a vibrator," Reno commented, picking out more gum from the jar and squeezing it into the already bulging mass of rubber in his mouth.

"Cloud, you know perfectly well what I'm talking about," Mrs. Richter said shortly, shooting another evil eye at Reno. "Are you interested in working with machinery?"

"Oh. Uh…I guess not really."

"'A little' it is, then." As she bubbled the responses in, her smile started blooming again.

"Why don' yoo jus 'ill dis out yourself?" Reno asked incoherently through a mouth full of gum. "Yoo 'no all de answers."

Mrs. Richter ignored him. "Cloud, do you enjoy helping people?"

"…Not when forced to."

"'Yes', then. Are you interested in farming or agriculture?"

"Neither."

"Do you enjoy working with animals?"

"Uh, I did like playing with my dog before she-"

"That will be a yes, then…now, do you have….an…interest in…the inner…workings…of…" She trailed off after that. A gaze of absolute revulsion had overcome her face, and it was directed toward Reno. Cloud looked over at him.

Reno's tongue was enveloped in a thin, rubbery white layer of gum. The tongue had taken a long, straight shape, and it passed in and out of his mouth slowly, in and out continuously through the 'o' he made with his thumb and forefinger, held in front of his mouth. Cloud had seen his brother do this all the time at home, so it didn't really bother him. But of course Mrs. Richter watched this little 'demonstration' with utter disgust; she was completely sickened by it. The look on her face actually suggested that she was watching the 'real thing' take place right in her office.

"Reno," she started, taking up a firm tone. "Reno, please stop that."

But he wouldn't stop.

"Reno. May I ask why you are doing that?"

But of course Reno didn't want to stop his fun just to explain his actions. Instead he glanced over at Cloud, silently passing the task on to him. Cloud sighed, shaking his head. This was ridiculous. He didn't want to do this. And not in the counselor's office, of all places. But at last he conceded, clearing his throat to divert the woman's attention. "Mrs. Richter, he's trying to blow a bubble."

"He is not. Reno, stop at once."

"He's not good at blowing bubbles, so he um…keeps trying."

"Cloud, you know that he is not trying to blow a bubble!" She was practically yelling now. "He is performing a very vulgar gesture! It is rude, it is offensive, and I want you to cease at once, Reno!"

In and out. In and out. Reno was having fun.

"Reno…" she continued. "Reno, stop!"

But oh no, he was just getting started. Now came the sound effects, reverberating through Reno's nasal cavity and emitting from his nose; nasty, vulgar moans and groans that grew louder and louder as the tongue slid in and out, in and out, faster and faster and faster. In and out, in and out, moan, moan, moan, in and out, in and out…and at last, culminating in a final, climactic-

"RENO STRIFE, GET OUT OF MY OFFICE, NOW!"

The woman had jumped to her feet, emptying her lungs to deliver this stark order. Her eyes were burning with rage. Her smile long diminished from her face. Calmly, Reno ceased, withdrawing his tongue back into his mouth. He stood up slowly, hocking a gigantic loogie of rubber into the trash. "Whatever you want, Mrs. Richter." He started making his way to the door. "I'll just be waiting out-"

"No!" Mrs. Richter yelled. "You will not wait outside, you will take your brother and this survey home, and you will fill it out by yourselves so that I won't have to sit here watching that…that crude gesticulation! Get out of my office, both of you, now!"

The brothers Strife were at the door in an instant, Cloud exiting first while his brother paused at the doorway to shoot one last arrogant smirk at the seething woman. Outside, various secretaries and teachers had started long-necking over Reno's head, anxious to see just what they had long been waiting for: the raging eruption of the long dormant wrath of Mrs. Richter. They anticipated its eruption every single time Reno entered that office, and it had all culminated in this. It certainly didn't disappoint. Watching the perpetually perky woman pulling her hair out and bursting into a screaming fit was a sight well worth the wait.

Reno finally shut the door, allowing the staffers to watch the eruption through the glass pane in the door. Unruffled by all the commotion, he quietly led Cloud out of the office, still grinning.

"Well, that got us out of there," said Cloud, falling in step beside his brother, "but you've definitely got detention for the rest of the semester. What was the point?"

Reno suddenly halted in the middle of the hallway, turning to his brother with a brow furrowed in disbelief. "Cloud, when I go to all the trouble of setting a hamster on fire just to get your uptight ass into that bitch's office, then yeah, there's obviously a point."

And he resumed his stride, making his way towards the exit.

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R/R, please.