Title: Random

Disclaimer: the talented Mrs. Proulx owns them, no copyright infringement, no commercial purpose, only my mind wandering.

Thanks a lot to my Betas Carol and Grace.

This is a short one-shot, a journey in Ennis mind after he sends away Jack after the divorce news.

Don't worry, my fic "Mexico" is quite completed but it is holiday time and the new chapters must be checked by beta. An update will be very soon.

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I can't.

Can't move.

Can't breathe

Can't think.

Tonight.

I got only pain inside me.

I sent him away. I did it. I did it for good.

He simply resigned but I saw he was deeply hurt.

Eyes closed to hide tears and lost dreams.

Mouth so thin, missed those soft lips over mine.

He walked like an old man; he really seemed an old man.

And it's all my fault.

I understand it now, after going out and having lunch with my girls, chatting with them.

I was a ghost between them, an hollow man.

It's only 10 pm now. It seemed a whole night had passed.

I need him, now.

My heart is beating too strong, wants to explode and end this useless life.

I am useless now, my girls are grown up They love me but don't need me like they did years ago.

I live in a bare trailer, no money, a cheap job and I miss a simple human touch.

I'm turning in my bed like a ball.

Can't sleep.

In my dreams he shines, like the sun over those mountains we know so well.

If I close my eyes I see him, if I open them I see myself and I won't accept what I am?

Or what I have become.

I'm a man who has lost all his values, the few I treasured since I was young.

To be a good father, a good husband, to love somebody as everybody deserved.

Because I love somebody but I don't deserve him.

All my life I was wrong, I've built my adult life lying to me.

My body tried to warn me once, when I first left him, but I was too proud then and I was damn deaf today.

I haven't really listened to him, only heard words from his mouth that I've already decided to ignore.

Where has he gone?

Back home, a home he hates?

To his folks? Maybe only to sleep in a bed.

I'm going crazy not knowing where he is now.

I could get up, take my hat and start the engine but where would I go to find him?

I can't follow, he is hours ahead and I don't know which road he took.

And if I write a letter, explaining how I miss him, how much do I need to say?

I'm not able to write properly, nobody ever taught me.

At school, those teachers didn't think I was worth teaching new things.

Nobody believed in me, except him, my only friend, but he's more than a friend.

He is my soulmate, kept hidden for more than ten years.

Wait..I got his number.

Where is it? It's in this wallet somewhere. There it is, behind my driver's license.

When he gave it to me, that thin piece of paper, it burned in my hand.

I was so afraid to have the number with me, but I was only stupid. A fool.

A number can harm nobody.

Now I understand what I refused to my soul.

A small word,love.

Yes I can call him, at work, it would be safe. And we'll see.

If I call him things can change, there's a small hope.

I can sleep tonight, because I know what to do, now.