Leaving the showers, we went back to the gym and cleaned up the equipment we had left behind before locking up. Then we just naturally fell into our routine as we had done dozens of times before when we stayed late practicing together. Silently and efficiently, we would gather our things from the locker room, the walk to the bus stop together. There were never many words exchanged unless Ushiwaka wanted to discuss a certain play or upcoming match. And since our tactic is pretty much always the same, so it was rare.

The cicadas echoed through the trees as the sun was wetting on a long day. The sizzling heat blurred the middle distance as I stared at Ushiwaka's broad shoulders in front of me. I quietly kept pace with him, wincing occasionally when I moved my groin the wrong way and reintroduced the pain from where he had entered me.

"Spring prelims are starting soon," Why was he talking all of sudden? It's really not like him. Did he feel awkward too?

"Yeah," I replied.

"The only team who may pose a problem is Aoba Johsai." That name struck a chord. Even though the rest of Seijo were good in their own right, I knew that Ushiwaka was only referring to Oikawa. Oikawa Tooru, the prefecture's most perfect setter with the ability to get the most out of every one of his spikers. I knew that Ushiwaka was always disappointed that he hadn't come to Shriatorizawa instead.

Damn that Oikawa. I ground my teeth together, I'll bet my eyes were bright green with rage. "We will crush them," I said firmly. It wasn't a question. It wasn't a statement. It was my demand to Ushiwaka. I was telling him that I would be a better setter than Oikawa this time. So he also had to play at one hundred percent. Anything less would be unacceptable.

He stopped for a moment and turned his head to me. Seeing the flaming daggers in my eyes, he smirked, "Of course,"

I took a few quick steps to catch up to him and we continued to make our way to the bus stop where we eventually parted ways without exchanging another word.

…

The ceiling never looked as interesting as it did that night when I just lay still on my bed, thinking about the day's events. The pain in my body where he… I could still feel it. His fingertips, the surface of his palms, the hands he had used to hit so many of my sets, I still felt their warmth as they ran over my body. His lips pressed against mine, his tongue battling with me; every sensation had engraved their memory on the very makeup of my cells. While I had simply intended to replay the events in my head so that I could logically process what he was thinking and what to do next; what ended up happening was that my body remembered too clearly how his touch felt and it stirred my core like chemistry. We were two foreign elements that came together and the combining of the molecules made an explosion.

Ushiwaka… even though it had only been a few hours, I already wanted to feel him again. No, Shirabu get your mind out of the friggin gutter. Putting aside the high I was on from the physical aspects, I needed to process the actual events that occurred. What was I supposed to do now? On Monday, when I saw him at practice, what was I supposed to say? What would he say? Why did he even do what he did? I didn't understand any of it. Was it just the heat of the moment? To say a million questions were flashing around in my head would have been an understatement. I had thought that the moment I was caught kissing him that everything was over for me. This was not a scenario I had planned out. I don't know why, but none of the conclusions I was coming up with included the idea that Ushiwaka wanted to do it. That just did seem rational.

In the worst-case scenario, he would be disgusted with me, and things would be a little awkward. But we still have to see each other, we're on the same team after all. I mean it's not like he could just kick me off the team, even he didn't have that kind of power.

Shit. Except he does. He could easily ask to have Eita put back in the starting lineup the same way I had replaced him at the start. I realized then, my worst fear. It wasn't getting rejected or never knowing if he might return my feelings. My worst fear was not being able to set for Ushiwaka anymore.

…

I went into Monday with the worst eye bags on my face and the doomsday scenario playing in my mind. But nothing happened. Ushiwaka was at practice. He greeted me normally, with just a nod to acknowledge my presence. We went through practice, and though he didn't ask me to stay late per usual, it was justifiable because he was called by Coach to have a meeting. There wasn't any behavior out of the ordinary at all. It made me all the more anxious.

For the next few days, everything returned to normal. It was like it had never happened. He didn't look at me any differently, he didn't treat me any differently. It was so annoying.

How could he just pretend as if nothing had happened?! How could anyone just be okay with this? The more time that passed by, the more I wanted to discuss the situation with him, like seriously? Say something! I wanted to confront him but it wasn't like something we could just bring up in casual conversation amongst the team.

It got so bad that I began to wonder to myself if it had actually just been a dream. Some delusion that was created by the summer heat. I began to let myself believe that if I just let it, it would fade away into memory, into a myth, and we could just go on playing volleyball together.

But after a few days, we were in the gym practicing late again, just the two of us and my body tensed up on its own. Even if my mind was unclear, my body knew. It was reacting to his aura like an animal would react to pheromones in heat, dying of anticipation. Idiot. Even if it had happened the first time, there was no way it was going to happen again. No way! Despite knowing that, I couldn't get my mind focused. Seeing him so close and not having any of the noise of our other club members to distract me. The overwhelming silence brought the memories of that day flooding back.

Focus Shirabu! Keep up or he'll notice! Shit, that set was too low.

Ushiwaka spiked it down anyway, a perfect straight. But when he landed from his jump, he stopped and turned to me, "You're off today." His tone wasn't angry or frustrated, just blunt. I almost wish he had been angry, the lack of emotion made it frighten me more.

I turned away, I couldn't face him. "Sorry."

"Why?"

"I don't know, just tired I guess." as soon as those words left my lip, I regretted it. I wish I could swallow them back up. I knew that wasn't good enough of an answer for him. Never in the time that we had been playing together had I ever given him that answer. That's one of the reasons why he chose me. Would I get replaced because of this? But at the same time, I didn't want to address the big stinking, sweating elephant in the room either.

"Let's go," He started to pick up the volleyballs lying around the gym and threw them into the cart. We cleaned up and then locked up the gym.

This was the beginning of the end. Up until now, I had been the perfect setter for Ushiwaka. We would only stop practicing when he said so. But this time, I couldn't produce what he needed. To be honest, I wasn't sure I ever could again. I wanted to say that it was fine and that I could keep practicing. But it would only have made things worse. I was in no condition. I couldn't get my head in the game at all. During the week, it hadn't been as hard with everyone around. but with just the two of us there. admittedly my mental game just wasn't strong enough for that.

We headed to the locker rooms. I watched his feet take step after step in front of me, unable to lift my eyes to his level. Each step he took felt like it was stomping on my chest, crushing me for my incompetence. I felt like I needed to say something so he didn't think I was just being lazy or copping out. I refused to be replaced.

We reached the locker room, and he opened the door and stepped in. Say something Shirabu. "Ushiwaka, I-" I didn't get the chance to finish before I felt him grab hold of my arm and pull me in. The door slammed shut behind me. The Loud banging sound of the door was followed up by the rattling of metal and a stinging sensation on my back. I had been thrown against the lockers with his gorilla-like strength. They were cold, they hurt against my skin. Christ, was he really so angry with me that he needed to beat me up? I looked up at him with shivers running down my spine. My palms were covered in a cold sweat, fearing what would come next. But then the chill of metal on my back was quickly replaced by his burning hands around my waist, lifting me just a few inches toward him. His tongue was in my mouth and his lips closed the space between us. I could only let out a muffled cry of shock.

Oh.

Shit.

His kiss was rough. It took away every thought in my mind. I couldn't process anything. Before I even realized it he had already pulled my shorts down to my thighs and had a hand on my member while his other stayed wrapped around my waist. He pressed his body against mine to hold me still against the lockers. My eyes were still shut from when he started to kiss me, I couldn't bring myself to open them. There was just enough space for his hand to maneuver. He began to move it up and down slowly. on one side, while the other side was pressed up against him. I could feel him, already hard against the fabric of his shorts. Ushiwaka's precious hand, the one he used to spike so many balls down on the court was now being used… to jack me off.

This definitely wasn't what I was expecting to happen.

As he began to trail his wet tongue across my cheek and jaw, I tried my best to open my eyes and take in the situation. My knees buckled in, I had to wrap my arms around his shoulder to hold myself up, forcing my head to turn up towards the ceiling. Between the heat and the bright lights, my vision was as foggy as my mind.

After a few minutes, his weight lifted off of me. I looked at him, I imagined I must have looked like a lost kitten because I still had no idea what to do. A tug at my waist gestured for me to lie down on the bench. God, the lights were blinding. But they were quickly replaced with his ferocious eyes staring down at me. Though his face was dark, shrouded in shadow by the backlighting, I gasped at the aggression in his expression. Ushiwaka looked like a hungry animal, licking its lips before devouring its prey.

He started to lick my jaw and then down my neck and to my collarbone just above my shirt collar. He pulled my shirt up above my head until it held my arms up at the wrist, then returned to the place on my collarbone where he left off. A hand ran its way up from the bottom of my torso slowly. His fingers pressed down on my skin firmly. Every touch made me shiver and harden. He reached my chest. I winced at the sudden pain when he pinched my nipple. It wasn't that it hurt all that badly, just that I wasn't expecting it. After the initial shock, it started to feel good.

Ushiwaka… it was completely different from the first time. Everything that he was doing, the way he stared too long at every part of my body, my face must have been maroon from the embarrassment. I hid my face with my hands instinctively, I just couldn't look. My legs were lifted up and spread apart. A curious tip brushed at my entrance. I thought at first that he was going to enter me already. But when I peeked through my fingers, I realized he had a hand reaching downwards. It was his finger touching me there. Slowly, he pushed it into me. Though it still stung at first, it wasn't anywhere close to the pain from the first time.

He continued to push through until I imagine he had reached the joint of his palm. Damn, his hands were big. Even with just his finger, I felt how deep he was. He began a slow shallow thrust. His finger was deep enough to hit my core, the contact made me shiver. As the friction loosened with the thrusts, another finger entered me. Shit, it felt good. And unlike when we were in the shower, there wasn't any other noise in the locker room to distract me. My moans echoed back at me.

He stepped back and pulled down his shorts, releasing himself. Fuck, did he get bigger? Standing proud and tall, he held himself at my entrance. I saw his chest rise and fall as he took a deep breath so I did the same to brace myself. He gripped tightly onto my hips and tried to start pushing in. "You need to relax." I closed my eyes and focused on releasing the tension in my muscles, just like we would to cool down from practice. Bit by bit, he was able to slide in. I grabbed hold of his arms, digging my nails in. It still hurt. But since he prepared me with his fingers, it was a little more bearable. Slowly, he pushed until there was no room left to push and then he just held still.

A low grunt came, "I'm going to start moving." There was just enough in me to whisper a barely audible okay. I would tell Ushiwaka was trying to be gentle with me. Just like with his fingers, his thrusts started shallow and slow before picking up a little pace. I began to feel that sensation again in the pit of my stomach building up, more and more.

It was more embarrassing this time because he was facing right at me. I had a leg was lifted over his shoulder to allow him space to work with. He stared at me the whole time. I couldn't look. I hid my face with my arm. But my mind couldn't control my body either, particularly my vocal cords. it was like my consciousness had been removed from my body. I could hear myself moaning uncontrollably, but it didn't sound like me. When did I become like this? I lost control, it didn't take long before I splattered my seed all over his stomach.

His grip on my hips tightened, pushing down and using me to hold his weight up. His pace slowed down as he pulled back, but then a big thrust came forward. Holy crap. His cock hit my core hard with each deep thrust. I lost control, it didn't take long before I splattered my seed all over his stomach. He grunted painfully for a moment, I suppose because of the sudden tensing of my insides around him. But afterward, my whole body softened like goo, making it easier for him to continue.

I dared to look up at him. He was watching me still, his expression frightening. The primal look of a predator. And as his prey, I was afraid. And yet, it also stirred my own hunger as well. The only time his eyes closed was the moment he pulled out and released his seed all over me. A deep breath, as if savoring a tasty piece of meat during a meal. I think that meant he felt good too. The thought that Ushiwaka felt pleasure from my body brought a slight grin to my lips.

Catching my breath, I heard the shuffling of feet, a bag zipper, some more shuffling, and then finally felt a cold towel on my stomach. Ushiwaka was cleaning me off. "I got it." I took the towel from him, sitting myself up.

"You should probably take it slow."

I was surprised. It wasn't often you hear concern from somewhat like Ushijima Wakatoshi. "I'm okay." I said softly. It was only sort of a lie. I mean, my ass definitely hurt but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. Quietly we dressed and cleaned up. Just like the first time, there were no extra words exchanged, we didn't acknowledge or discuss the situation. An angel on my shoulder, or perhaps a devil, urged me to say something but the words were caught in my throat.

As we walked out of the locker room and made our way does the stairs, the blaring sun hit my face, knocking me back to reality. I had to come to terms with the fact that I had sex with Ushiwaka… twice! I was already shocked when it happened the first time. For it to have happened again, words didn't exist to describe how I was feeling.

So imagine my shock when throughout the rest of summer, into the prelims, it continued to happen.

Again and again.

And every single time we finished, I had the same two questions on my mind.

Why?

And when will we do it again?

…

There were still five and a half months left until Ushiwaka would graduate.

At first, we only did it when Ushiwaka initiated something. But after the first month or so, I got bold. I got greedy. I started wanting more of him. I didn't want to do it in the showers or the locker room. I wanted to do it in my bed, in his bed. I wanted to be able to take our time, to never have to be nervous about getting caught. Though I'd never admit it, the tension did turn me on. But still, it lacked intimacy.

"Hey Ushiwaka, my parents are going to be out late today."

"Okay," That's all we needed to say. With each time that we did it, we got a little smarter. Started using condoms and lube. We were at a point where it hardly hurt anymore. Instead, it was an overwhelming pleasure.

But was this all I wanted? Just to be able to have him physically? I lost count of the sleepless nights when I would repeat these questions to myself. But in the end, I dared not wish for more. I dared not poke at the wall that stood between us at risk of everything falling to pieces.

We lost to Karasuno in the finals. The sound of the ball hitting the floor with a thump, the squeal of the final whistle, and rows of fans in the bleachers in complete silence, haunted my dreams. I remember when the final whistle blew, I was looking for the pass from Hayato or Reon still. But it didn't come. After five full sets, our bodies and minds were so exhausted, I didn't even know how to feel sad at first. The cheers echoed through the gym after the brief silence for what felt like forever before I finally realized they weren't for us.

I knew I had made some mistakes during the game. But any decent player knew that you couldn't dwell on it during the match. Not once during the match did I doubt that we would win in the end. Karasuno were just… annoying little pests the whole time though. In the end, it was hard to comprehend what had happened. I never realized we could lose. Not until Nationals, not until the end.

As I watched Ushiwaka's back retreating towards our bench, the gravity of the situation hit me. This would last time that I set for him in an official game. I hadn't considered the possibility that the Karasuno game would be the last one. There could have been so many more matches if I had just tried harder. If I had just been better, then I wouldn't have to suffer this regret. The taste of salt hit my tastebuds as the steady stream of tears crept over my upper lip and trickled into my mouth. The last game… I had to bid farewell to my happiness.

…

But Ushiwaka still came to practice. The teachers didn't tell him otherwise like they normally would with other third years. After all, we all knew he was going to continue playing in college, and ultimately go pro. So it actually made more sense for him to keep practicing. And besides, his grades were pretty much perfect anyway.

We also continued to practice late. And practice additionally on weekends. I wasn't completely sure why. I didn't bother to ask, because it meant I could spend more time playing with him. I figured it was just routine for him now and he didn't want to change it. The most confusing thing, was that after those extra practices, we would still… I forced myself not to overanalyze the situation. I just told myself that he also needed the physical release. Even though it didn't seem like it most of the time Ushiwaka was human. And we were horny teenagers.

Winter came in quickly, ringing in the new year. The days vanished one after another, I didn't even realize how much time had passed until I overheard some girls talking about chocolates. I suppose it's that time of year again.

February 14th. For most years, I didn't pay much attention to this date. Shiratorizawa was well known for our Volleyball team, so naturally, first-string team members were what you would consider popular. In years past, I would get a few chocolates from girls in the other classes. Eita and Taichi were also relatively popular. Tendou scared everyone away. But of course, the most popular was the star, Ushiwaka. I recalled Ushiwaka having a large line of dozens of girls waiting to give him chocolates in front of the gym before, during, and after practice the past two years. This year would likely be the same. He always breezed right past them though, never took any.

On my way to afternoon practice, I could already hear the buzz from far away. This year was no different than the ones before. If anything, there were more people this time. Ushiwaka hadn't arrived yet.

"Shirabu-senpai!" I turned. A female student I didn't recognize ran up to me. She must have been a first-year. "Umm…" She gripped tightly at the small box in her hand. The poor girl was too nervous to even lift her head, it was kind of cute.

I reached out my hand, "Are those for me?" I smiled to make her feel more comfortable. She nervously placed the chocolates in my palm. A swift thank you, a small bow, and I continued on my way into the gym.

A few minutes later, there rustling in front of the gym turned into squeals and screams. He had arrived. I glanced briefly at the door, the crowd of girls surrounding him. They knew they weren't allowed into the gym, Coach Washijo wouldn't have it, but they certainly got remarkably close as they followed behind him. A few girls reached out with their chocolates in hand a little too aggressively. They practically punched him in the stomach. He turned to them. I saw him lift his arm.

My heart clenched up suddenly with a pang. What was this feeling? It felt like I had been sprinting too fast without breathing. But he was simply pushing the chocolates back. In the end, he didn't take any. The tension in my body released and I let out a deep sigh of relief. Wait a second, what was that? What did it matter to me if Ushiwaka took chocolates or not? After all, even I accepted a few.

I shook my head, get yourself together Shirabu.

During practice, Tendou was yapping away again. Most times, I had learned to just tune him out. And yet, I was undeniably a little envious of how carefree he could be. Not just with the team, but more specifically with Ushiwaka. Why was it that Tendou could have conversations with him so easily? It started pissing me off.

"Can you believe it? I mean, I haven't even graduated high school yet and my mom is already trying to set me up with marriage interviews. Talk about pressure."

Eita chimed in, "Isn't that a good thing? It's not like you were going to get a girlfriend on your own."

"Ouch Eita." Tendou frowned.

"It's not that strange." His voice always commanded the room. Perhaps because we seldom heard it in normal conversation. I also looked up. "My grandmother did the same."

The flow of the air changed as everyone else held their breath at this remark. Tendou lit up like a Christmas tree. "She did?"

Ushiwaka simply nodded yes. He seemed surprised at how surprised we were.

"So~" the lizard man sang, "what happened?"

"She wasn't suitable for me, so nothing came of it." The rest of the team all sighed and chuckled. But I didn't even really catch his answer. I was still stuck on the fact that Ushiwaka had already been on marriage interviews. Was it normal for people to start this early? I mean we were still in high school for christ's sake! It got me thinking about how important it must have been for his family for them to start considering this early on.

The image blurred my mind. Ushiwaka, dressed in a suit and tie, sat on one side of the table while some girl sat across from him. What type would she be? The mature sexy kind? Or the small, cute kind? Would she be like the girl from earlier who was handing him chocolates? The image became more and more vivid. That's right, eventually, Ushiwaka would also get married. He would follow his path in life and end up with a blind match from his family, a suitable wife, and kids.

I hadn't realized it until Eita called me out mid-practice, "What's wrong with you today? What are you mad at?" What? I wasn't mad at anything. That was what I told him but my eyes drifted again in Ushiwaka's direction. Marriage interviews… the future, I hadn't really thought too hard about it. Perhaps because I still had one more year of high school. But Ushiwaka wouldn't be around next year. In fact, there was a pretty good chance I wouldn't see him ever again after he graduated. Or maybe I would see him occasionally in a few years when our teammates started to get married and we would be attending their weddings. The thought of Ushiwaka at the altar with some woman in a white dress. It royally pissed me off. I'd have to watch from the sidelines like nothing was wrong. No, I couldn't do that. I won't be there when it happens. I would literally rather die.

I stopped myself. Crap, what was I even thinking? I had gotten too greedy. I didn't just want to set for him. I didn't just want sex. I wanted everything. I cursed at my own stupidity. How could I even think that it was possible? The two of us… two guys. Don't get me wrong, it's the twenty-first century, it wasn't unheard of or anything, nor did I personally have any issues with the idea. But, what right did I have to stand in the way of Ushiwaka's future like that?

I should have asked him what ask him what he thought. After all, even though we were just having sex, it still takes two to make it happen. There were many times, many opportunities for me to do so as the days continued to pass us by. "Ushiwaka," But when he turned to look at me, my mouth would run dry and I chickened out every time.

That fateful day in April finally came. It was so cliché. He had a bunch of people coming up to him. All the teachers wanted a picture before he got too famous. The blossom petals were flowing in the wind. I wanted to throw up.

Though I wanted to congratulate him. there were too many people for me even get a line of sight to him. I just waited. Frankly, I wasn't all that keen on talking to him. It would have meant that I had to finally admit that it was over. I was ready to leave school altogether when I heard, "Shirabu."

We were standing at the school gate. Were we going to walk to the bus stop together? One at last time. He caught up with me and we took our usual route. I guess so. Say it Shirabu, ask before it's too late. Before you regret it forever. "Congrats Ushiwaka."

He nodded, that was his thank you.

We reached the bus stop. All the things I wanted to say were boiling up in my throat. But was it even worth it? The outcome wouldn't be what I wanted anyway. I hardly even knew what I wanted. Trying to be with him indefinitely was selfish. I couldn't ruin him like that. He needed to go to college, join the national team, meet a nice girl, eventually get married, and have kids that would also be the future hope for Japanese volleyball. I had to leave, I had to walk away. There was no other reason for me to stay at his side anymore. "Well see you," I turned and took a deep breath, preparing myself for the final tread.

"Shirabu," I had hardly lifted a foot to take my first step when he called out.

I turned immediately, standing at attention. I don't know what I was anticipating, "Yes?"

"You will follow me to T University." It wasn't a question; it wasn't even a statement. This was a command.

I just stared at him, blinking vigorously a few times to make sure I wasn't dreaming or anything. I suppose this was the answer to the question I had been unable to answer for myself the last couple of months: What was I supposed to do next? I should have been agreeing immediately. Here was one of the top three spikers in the country, asking me to continue being his setter. Asking me to join his team. But it wasn't that simple anymore. If I did follow him, would he continue to be the way we were? When would it end? Was I even good enough to keep playing with him? Compared to the best in the country, it was unlikely I would be on the first-string team.

My heart clenched when I heard his words replay in my mind. Thinking about all the things that would go wrong, about having to watch the future play out from the sidelines. It was already too painful for me now. And that was the best-case scenario. It would be even worse if I ended up getting in his way with my greed.

He was still watching me, waiting for my answer. "Yes," That's what I said, but I already knew that I was lying.