Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Yeah, JKR owns everything. But I wish she'll give me Draco. Oh well, wishful thinking.

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©Paradigm Shift
Chapter One – Silent Battles

Chairs creaking as they were pushed against the wooden floor, the sound of pages being turned, a series of whispers and little giggles filled the room, the scent of fresh printed parchment and ink filled my nostrils…this was it, my redemption, my refuge. It's the only place where I can be alone, away from it all and be who I am. Here, I didn't feel insecure about what other people may think of me, because I find peace here. When others may loathe this place, and stay away from it the least they can, this is where I often go to find myself and to go away from it all.

This is the library.

In the company of books and different artifacts, I find my place. I tirelessly search and learn new knowledge everyday and every time I learn new things, the more I yearn for them. It's like a pill that I can't seem to get rid off. Maybe even a disease. Laugh all you want but that's me.

Yeah, that's me. The walking encyclopedia, best of my year (as far as they told me), little miss perfect….wait make that Prefect. Loved and hated by some. But deep inside, I'm still me.

I'm Hermione Granger, and this is all I'll ever be.

I'm the girl who constantly tosses her hand up the air to answer every question in class. I can't help it. It's as if my hands have a life of their own. Hey, at least I know the answers. I have bushy hair and abnormally large teeth…before. Ever since our Yule Ball on our fourth year I have been keeping my appearance well, more how do you say this? Appealing? Hell, who cares anyway?

Some of my friends find me irritating at times since they are getting sick and tired of me for being such a know-it-all. I am, am I? I always have the habit of disagreeing into things that seemed wrong to me, making decisions for example. But that's me. So stick with it.

Others may misjudge me but what they do not know is that I'm just like them. I'm also a simple girl, only wanting to finish studying in Hogwarts. I'm a girl that also likes the opposite sex, but I just don't show it. I cry, I laugh, and I get hurt. And I can also love.

Love? What exactly is love? Is it every time your heart beats faster when you caught a sight of him? Is it the every instant that you blush when he smiles and puts his hand around you? Is it being uncomfortable when he's near? Is love being there when you needed him the most? Is it the urge to even give up all you have for him?

Is love secretly keeping what you feel inside with the fear of only hurting him?

Or is it letting go?

If that's love, then I'm guilty. Send dementors to take me to Azkaban any day.

Hey, maybe I don't even need love. It's been killing me anyway. It's killing me every time I see him happy with another girl. How many times have I sat and said what if that girl was me?

It could've been me.

That's what I say to myself over and over again. If I just worked up any courage left in me and told it to him straight then maybe it could've been me. But I was so scared, I was so caught up with I feel that I have become confused. I was never the same again. Maybe he noticed, maybe not. But I still put on a happy face when I'm around him, although deep inside I was already dying.

If love was really dying for the one you love then I'm getting close. I feel like dying already.

But what if I die? Will he mourn for me? Will he cry? Will he be sad? Will he even realize my worth?

I really don't know what love is at the moment, but what I do know is that if I keep on talking to myself I'll never finish this forsaken essay on Potions. Damn that Professor Snape. I smiled, if only they knew I was cursing our Potions teacher they would've been surprised. It's not in my nature really…well, I do it occasionally. Especially at times like this, when five rolls of parchment was not merely enough. I can't stop writing. And its torture every time I can't put into words how I feel. If they gave an assignment to discuss on Snape's sexuality then that's easy. I bet he's never been laid. I think he's gay. I mean that long greasy hair was a dead giveaway. Sometimes I even laugh at the thought that maybe Lucius Malfoy and Snape were lovers.

Oh shit, here I go again. I'm not being myself again. Damn, I think I've got Ron's horrible sense of humor again.

He's the one who opened that up about Snape. And that maybe the reason behind his grumpiness was because of not getting laid ever. Poor Snape, when he will ever get laid?

I let out a giggle. Harry will be surprised if he knew I'm making fun of Snape in my own way. Oh he'll have a laugh, that Harry…

Oh Harry…if you only knew…

I wouldn't want to get into that now. I get all frigid and panicky everytime I mention his name. If I say or hear his name one more time I swear I'll probably freak out…

"How about Harry? He's cute isn't he?" then a number of girly giggles were heard

"Yeah! And did you see those biceps of his? Sweet Merlin! I would transfigurate myself into a broom if I could!"

"I wonder how will if feel being ridden by him?

Some gasped.

"No! I didn't mean it THAT way, as a broom I mean…"

Damn it.

I immediately turned my direction to where those giggles were heard. I was right, my first guess was right. For Pete's sakes, this is the library, not a social area to talk about crushes and stuff! It's them again, and I can't stand it every time I hear them talk about Harry behind his back….

Ok, ok, I'm a little pissed that's all…

I stood up and went to the table up front. They were still giggling. How insentive can they get? People are studying here! I composed myself and put on a happy prefect face.

"Hi girls…" I said

They stopped laughing. Finally, they realized I was there. "Oh hi Hermione!" beamed Ginny and the usual suspects. Lavender, Padma and Patil, and what? Luna too!

If I can just wipe off the silly smiles on your faces I would've done it a long time ago…

I thought quietly. I seriously find it disturbing every time they talk about boys. There's nothing wrong with that but please, don't let me hear them. I feel the hairs on my arm rise from their very ends when I hear the gory details!

"We're we disturbing you or something 'Mione?" asked Ginny

"Kinda. This is a library after all Ginny. Please spare me a little peace and quiet, hmm?"

"Oh…ok then, we'll keep it low if that's what you mean." Answered Lav-lav. Lavender! I mean Lavender.

Lavender pisses me off. Don't ask me why because I don't even know it myself. Maybe it's the way she responds to every question I ask, with that awful smirk on her face. Her snogging Ronald is fine with me, they can snog all they want. But talking about Harry's essentials behind my back is another thing. I am, I assure you, a very overprotective girlfriend.

Shit.

Friend. I mean best friend.

"What's up with me today!" I accidentally blurted out aloud. Upon realizing that, I covered my mouth with a free hand.

I smiled apologetically, "Sorry…I don't know what came over me."

"You ok Hermione?" asked Ginny

I just nodded. But really, I'm not ok. Maybe I won't ever be ok. Never. Not until I get this awful feeling off my aching chest.

But I don't want it out though. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I prefer not ever being ok than to get hurt.

"I think I'll go ahead. I'll continue doing this essay in the common room. See you there Gin. Bye guys." I bid them goodbye

"Bye Hermione." They chorused. But I still caught a glimpse of Ginny shaking her head as I headed for the main entrance. She too, maybe noticed the sudden change in me these days.

I just sighed and headed for the Gryffindor common room.

After passing a couple of fellow prefects, bumping into that cow Parkinson, (who was surprising nice to me today), and breaking up a fight of a couple of first years I finally found peace in the comfort of the Gryffindor Common room.

Placing my quills, books, and parchments on the desk nearby I silently cursed upon remembering that my Potions book was borrowed by Ron. Now, I can't continue on doing my essay. Where is he anyway?

Probably having Quidditch practice with Harry that's where…

That meant I have to stay here and sulk as I wait for their practice to finish. It was times like this that I wish I knew how to play Quidditch. But I'm not the sporty type. Books do me just fine. I don't want to actually play it anyway; I just wish that I knew how to play. I envy Ginny there. It's a plus for her, zero for me. Bet that's why Harry likes her…I think.

I can't lie to myself. I do envy her. Harry has told me he actually likes her. But didn't tell her or Ron because she is after all, Ron's sister. My I felt my heart break up into tiny little pieces when Harry told me that. I was there, but he noticed another. Who was there when we rescued Sirius on the third year? Me. Who stood up beside him when Ron didn't believe him? Me. Who taught him the summoning spell before the first task in the Tri-wizard tournament? Me. Who was there when he needed someone to talk to? Me.

And who's suffering when he gets hurt and loved him even if he didn't give love back?

Me.

Me, me, me. Pathetic little me. It's partly my fault. I didn't say a thing. It's my fault for having these feelings for him that only came into my realization recently. Yeah, six years of friendship and it's only now that I realized that I actually love him…even from the very beginning.

My mind travels back in time when I meet a bespectacled boy with untidy hair on the train to Hogwarts. When he took my hand I already felt the tension…and I was never the same. I will always be grateful to Neville's frog Trevor for getting lost that day. If not for him, I wouldn't have looked for him in Harry's compartment anyway. God bless his soul.

Harry Potter was The Boy Who Lived.

But to me, He's the boy I loved. And will forever love.

I snapped back to reality when I heard the door open. I straightened up and grabbed any book I could lay my hands on when I heard the sound of footsteps get nearer.

Holy Merlin. It's him.

My heart skipped a beat with anticipation. I listened again, then I knew those footsteps were his. It's silly, but every gesture he does I knew of. He has a different expression when being sad, happy or pissed. I know his scent, the sound of his laughter, and the sobs he make whenever he cries. I know everything about him.

And how I wished he could do the same to me…

"Oh hi Hermione! I thought this place's deserted…"

I turned to look at him. He's wearing his Quidditch robes and his broom clasped in his other hand. His glasses glittering to the reflection of the emitted by the fire place. Wearing a smile on his thin red lips, I knew at that moment I was in heaven.

"Oh h-hi H-arry! Practice done so soon?"

"Yeah," he smothered his hair with his free hand as if to tantalize me "We had a little problem…"

"Problem?" I asked

"Dean and Ron had a little misunderstanding a while back. I grew sick and tired of their constant fits with each other so I left them there in the field. I dunno if they even noticed I was gone. They were too busy shouting at each other to barely even notice me leave…"

"Oh. Do you think it has something to do with Ginny?" I accidentally blurted out.

I saw his expression change when I mentioned her name. Damn it Hermione. You know he freaks out even at the slightest hearing of her name!

"N-no idea. Maybe. I'm not sure…" he smiled at me again as I did the same.

For a minute he just stood there, looking at me. As I too looked back at him. We didn't say a thing to one another. Either one of us dared to break the silence. I waited for him to speak but he didn't. It was as if he waited for me to say something.

Is it possible that he noticed? He couldn't have. I was too careful when I'm around him. Like now for example.

I searched for any smart retort and finally broke the silence "Harry can I borrow your Potions book for a while?" Nice save.

"Oh. Ok. Still not done with your essay?"

"Almost. I'm halfway there. You?"

"You know the answer to that 'Mione. Of course I'm still not done. I haven't even started yet!" he let out a chuckle

"Want me to help you?" I volunteered. Nothing new. I've always helped him do his homework.

"If it's ok with you that is."

"Yeah, no biggie." I replied

He didn't reply as he headed for the stairs leading to the boys' dormitories. I thought that was it but then I heard his voice again.

"I thought you wanna borrow the book?" he asked, a playful smile forming on his lips

I arched an eyebrow. "Yeah, I do." I answered back

"Well get up then. Follow me…" he offered up a hand, wanting me to take it.

"Where?" I innocently asked. But I think I already knew where…

"Upstairs, where else? Come in for a while. I need company." He pleaded as I finally took his hand.

The boys dormitory. Alone. With Harry.

Holy crap. Not good.

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End of chapter