AUTHOR'S NOTE:
I know, I should be finishing my otherTeen Titans fan fictions, but I still fighting against my writers-block.
This is quiet a long chapter, enjoy.

CHAPTER 3:
RIMMER

Cat and the Titans managed to short-circuit one of the elevators. Soon they found themselves on a way to an other deck.

"All the ship systems are dead?" Robin asked Cat.

"As dead, as 1970's flares, that is."

"He's right, about the flares… and the systems", said Cyborg with the scanner in his arm.
"Communication is down, life support is on its minimum and even the damage-report network has been damaged."

Then the elevator stopped. There where solid steel was, was now a hole. It was a ripped apart chaos from a beast who forced itself through the elevator shaft. They decided to walk through the hole into the corridor of an other deck.

"I've got a reading!" Interrupted them Cyborg. "Over there."

"What is it?" croaked Beast Boy.

"It's a signature of an independent computer system. We can ask it for more information." said Cyborg, and started to run, until he stopped at a door. The other caught up to him. But before they opened the door, Cat halted them. He sniffed.

"Do you smell it?" he asked the Titans.

"Smell what?" whispered Beast Boy before he morphed into a hound dog to sniff.

"The smell of a … horrific beast." said Starfire.

"The space monster." concluded Raven.

Cat asked Starfire. "You can smell it too?"
"Yes, the stink comes from behind this door"

Cyborg activated his sonic gun. "Cat, better take cover." Cat did so.

The Titans powered up their superpowers.

Robin whispered: "Teen Titans GO!"

They stormed the room to find toilet facilities, water on the floor, trashed ceramic, the lights above flickering, all mirrors apart. - and no space monster at all.

The Titans powered down their superpowers.

Cyborg looked back on his scanner.

"The signature comes from this cabin." He opened the cabin door, turned green and closed the door again.

Robin asked him: "What have you saw Cyborg?"

"Something what the space monster didn't flush down."

The Teen Titans broke out into collective EEWW-ing.

Robin decided to take action: "Alright. The signature come from a device inside a pile of …. space monster manure. One of us need to get it out. Any volunteers?"

The other Titans gave him a collective 'you-should-be-the-volunteer-since-you-have-first-asked' look, even Cat joined in.

Robin understood, mumbled/cursed something about teamwork. Then he took a deep breath and went inside the cabin.
Finally he came out with a stick-brown-metal cylinder, which he washed in a sink with ALL the liquid soap, he could squeeze out the soap-dispensers. After the metal cylinder had lost its 'organic' surroundings. The others could bare to watch and examine it. Cat recognized it:

"Hey yeah! That's the light beacon of Alphabet Head."
"Who?"
"Goalpost Head."
"Who?"
"Alphabet Head."
"What?"
Cat sights: "This beacon hovers in the air and projects a hologram of toilet-brush-hair."
"A toilet brush?"
"No a smeghead."

"How about we switch on this light beacon and ask him ourselves?" suggested Cyborg.

"No way! Are you space crazy? He is now in his most tolerable form." insisted Cat.

"Being switched off?"

"Exactly." smiled Cat.

"Is he dangerous?" asked Raven cautiously.

Cat broke out in laughter and rolled like mad on the floor.

"Raven, congratulation, you can do funny." smirked Beast Boy.

"Very funny." deadpanned Raven.

Cyborg pulled a face and switched on the light beacon.

Cat stopped laughing and shouted in horror. "HEY! Pimped-up-guy! What are you doing?"

"Getting some answers."

"You will get a headache, that's for sure." sighted Cat.

The light beacon hovered up into the air and activated a strong beam of light, which projected words and graphics on a wall.

INITIATING BOOT-UP SEQUENCE
OF THE HOLOGRAPHIC SIMULATION ARNOLD J. RIMMER

UPLOAD CHARACTER TRAITS
ARROGANCE ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHARISMA ----
NEUROSES ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
GENEROSITY -----
OPTIMISM--------
PESSIMISM-----------------------------------------------------------------------
SMUGNESS----------------------------------------------------------------------------
BITTERNESS -----------------------------------------------------------------------
SELF-RESPECT -----
MISTRUST -------------------------------------------------------------------
SELF-CONFIDENCE -------
SELF-DOUBT -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
HONOUR ----
EGOISM------------------------------------------------------------------------
ELITISM----------------------------------------------------------------------------
COURAGE-

More and more character traits were uploaded. The process took almost a minute, soon the Titans had a good idea why Cat objected to activated Arnold Rimmer. This man would go on their nerves, not in a cute way like Beast Boy, or in a creepy way like Raven, but in the totally smeghead way of Rimmer.

After the complete upload of his personality, more graphics appeared:

UPLOAD MEMORY
UPLOAD PHYSICAL FORM

A grid appeared around the light beacon, then a human body formed itself, first black and white, then in colour. And there he stood: Arnold Rimmer.

He wore a snappy military spaceship uniform. With his red hair and his smug grin, he looked like a evil version of a 30-something Percy Weasley from the Harry Potter books. (Not movies, books.)

Rimmer looked bewildered at Cat, then he sees Titans. He points at Beast Boy and said enthusiastic: "You're an alien."

"No, I'm Beast Boy."

Then he turned to Cyborg and exclaimed: "You're an alien."

"No, I'm Cyborg from Jump City, Planet Earth."

Rimmer pointed at Robin: "You're an alien"

"No, I'm Robin from the 21st century."

Rimmer turned hopelessly at Raven: "But you must be an alien."

"No, I'm Raven. Half inter-dimensional demon." She said dryly.

Without hope Rimmer turned to Starfire. "But you… AH! Forget it."

Rimmer was now self loathing:
"Typical. Absolutely typical. Aeons of light years in space and the only aliens I ever met were creating civilizations under Lister's toe nails… not to mention that space monster…"

He remembered at broke out in panic.
"The monster, he ate me, what happened?"

"He couldn't digest you." grinned Cat and pointed at a toilet cabin.

"Oh no, not again." Sighted Rimmer. "What happened to you Cat and who are those kids?" He noticed with disgust their outfits "Is there a fancy dress party going on? Well these costumes aren't fancy, nor dressing. You look like a Sunday morning kiddie cartoon."

"We're not kids." Corrected him Robin. "We're the Teen Titans. Superheroes."

"Of course you're superheroes." Said Rimmer as he would be talking to little children. "You must be heroic to walk around like this."

The Titans gave him an angry look.

"Don't talk to them like that?" defended them Cat. "They're all extremely fashionable."

"YEAH!" exclaimed Beast Boy.

"Except for the frog-boy." added Cat.

"Hey!" uttered Beast Boy.

"So, you're Arnold Rimmer." Stated Robin.

"Absolutely correct: Arnold J. Rimmer BSC, SSC, highest ranking crewmember of Red Dwarf at your service." He said pretentious to them and made a very long silly salute.

"Highest ranking crewmember?" Asked Robin very sceptic and Cat cracked:

"Yeah. He's second technician. Second lowest rank on this ship."

"I'm still your superior!" Hissed Rimmer at him.

"Come on! The dude who changed the toilet paper rolls was even higher than you!" Grinned Cat.

Annoyed Rimmer turned to the Titans, who were trying not to laugh.
"Right you superheroes. You got the space monster?"

"No, but we're working on it." Defended Robin themselves.

"Some superheroes are you." Sneered Rimmer and continued:
"Right! As the acting senior officer Arnold J. Rimmer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation mining ship RED DWARF. I command you with all the authority invested in me by the Space Corps Directive 1002/G. Now listen carefully, I'll say this only once: Would you please put my light beacon somewhere in safety, before you go off and defeat the space monster. Thank you for listening. Sorry to take up your valuable time. Sorry. Thank you. Sorry. Bye. Bye. Sorry. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." Begged Rimmer, while bowing at them

"You got a longer yellow streak than parachute-flash pants." Stated Cat.

"OH! Why don't you spend some days in that wardrobe of yours over there?" Rimmer said annoyed.

"WHAT? My wardrobe?"

"Yes, it through that hole, the space monster tore up, and then turn right."

"MY SALVATION!" Sang Cat and run away.

"Utter goit." Rimmer muttered about Cat and then he turned to the Titans and stated: "We're all going to die. Well you are going to die. I'm already dead."

"You're death?" Asked Beast Boy unbelieving. "Aren't you like the EHM-hologram from the Voyager."

"No, I'm not artificial. I'm a human, but my body is dead and my brain patters were preserved in my light beacon. That's why I'm so keen to meet alien, who can make me a new body."

"Why should aliens make you a new body?" Asked Starfire suspicious.

"For nothing but humanity."

"But then they wouldn't be aliens." Concluded Starfire.

"Well, maybe they get enchanted by my sexual magnitude." Starfire and Raven pulled their face with disgust. "But it's hopeless." Sighted Rimmer. "Till then we're monster food."

"Easy man, we can deal with it, we're the Teen Titans." Said Cyborg.

"Look, how do you want to face this horrid gigantic creature, with acne? With mood swings? With nocturnal…"

"Now listen." Interrupted him Robin. "We may come from 200 years before your time, and we're teenager. But we've fought villains, monster, aliens, mad scientists, when your ancestors were still…"

"Hold there a moment!" Interrupted him Rimmer. "Did you said 200 years in the past?"

"Yes and it was quite a shock when we found out we were so far in the future." Answered him Robin.

"Then Cat haven't you told you." Said Rimmer.

"Told what."

"Oh… OH…. OHHHH!" He had the greatest smug grin off all time. "This is going to be so sweet." He chuckled with malicious joy and rubbed his hand.

"What?"

"This is so rich... Delicious... A feast for the gods."

"WHat?"

"One minute you're down, the next you're right back up again."

"WHAt?"

"The last time I had so much fun, was when we resurrected that frozen billionaire…"

"WHAT?"

"Okay I'll tell you: Please stand all in front off me in a half circle. I don't want to miss the expression on your faces."

They did so.

"Maybe I should get a camera…"

"Tell us NOW PLEASE." grinned Robin with his teeth while he was struggling to be polite.

"The good news is: Yes, you are on a spaceship which was built 200 years after your time. The bad news is…" He chuckled evilly.

"The really BAD news is." He chuckled more evil.

"The really smegging awful far-more-worst-than-you-can-imagine bad news is…"

"TELL US!" Yelled the Titans.

"This ship's got 3 million years on the clock."

"Light-years?" Squeaked Beast Boy.

"No, 365-days-years, plus 750 thousand leap-days" Smiled Rimmer and prepared himself to see some of them fainting.

But they didn't fainted. Starfire said calmly:

"Do you remember the time I ended up 20 years in the future?"

"Yo! And the time when I ended up 5000 years back in the past!" Added Cyborg.

"Or the time we fought dinosaurs when time stood still." Said Robin.

"Or the time Beast Boy's horrid birthday always repeated itself in a time loop." Said Raven.

"Yeah…. Horrid Birthday?" Asked Beast Boy.

"Well my dear Arnold J. Rimmer. We Titans have a history in time travelling, and we always found a way back home." Grinned Robin with the others.

"Spoilsports!" Muttered Rimmer silently.

"OOOOOOW, YEAAAAHHH, YEAAAHH, OOOOOWW EEEEE!"
It was Cat. He wore no more rags, but a very stylish suit. He danced the way to them.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm back! Feeling good! How am I looking?"

"Hey great." Said the Titans, while Rimmer pretended to have a headache.

"I'm looking nice. My suit is nice. My hair is nice. My face is nice. My suit is nice. I'm looking really nice!" Cat waited for a second. "I wonder how I'm looking now?" He turned to the girls of the Teen Titans.

"You still looking nice." Smiled Starfire.

"You're nice, period." Deadpanned Raven.

"Aaaoooww! Yeah. Finally I'm civilized again."

Robin said: "Okay, we can all agree, that Cat got a decent outfit, we better form a search party…"

"Just a moment Spiky-head-boy!" Interrupted him Cat. "For a search party, we ALL need to have decent outfits." He grabbed Beast boy. "So you come with Green-Boy-Wonder."

"Hey Dude?"

"You need an emergency fashion makeover at once. Or you'll live with the guilt that I'll have gone blind."

Cat dragged Beast Boy away to his wardrobe. Leaving the other Titans bewildered behind.

"That unbelievable fashion goit." muttered Rimmer.

"Where're the others of your crew?" Ask Cyborg.

"Dunno, probably eaten like me."

"I disagree," said Robin while suspiciously smelling his glove. "When they were eaten, than I would have felt bones, when I dug around that pile of…"

"Yes Robin thank you…" Interrupted him Raven and she turned to Rimmer. "Perhaps you can tell us who the metal dude and the tuna-can-opener are."

Rimmer gave them a lengthy answer:
"Ah yes, Kryten and Lister. You know: Kryten was once our devoted, loyal, obedient robotic servant, until that faithful day that walking-trashcan broke his program to achieve humanity, individuality and the ambition to evolve and find a meaning in life. And as for Lister, that slob of slobs, that curry-devouring, easy-living, slime of a human being. He makes you want to puke and stab his eyes out, due his god awful chirpy-gerbil-faced optimism."

"Thank you," said Raven. "I think now we all can apprehend the complex harmony on this ship."

"So," asked Cyborg, "Perhaps you can explain us what happened before you found us."

Rimmer saw a chance to upgrade up his reputation, and told them the story with the utmost liberal artistic liberty, one can imagine.
"As the driving force behind the Red Dwarf mission, I'm used to dice with death on a daily basis."

Flashback of a Rimmer Experience

One the bridge of the Red Dwarf is the entire crew. There're Lister, Kryten, Cat and Rimmer. Rimmer is dressed in a pompous space admiral uniform. He talked with Cat.
"So you see Cat, if you wear the green-paisley shirt with the cavalry-twill trousers, you can be dignified and fashionable at the same time."

The eyes of Cat glimmer in gratitude, but before he could even start to worship his genius, they were interrupted by Kryten.
"Mr. Rimmer sir. Our scanner have picked up an odd kind of background radiation."

"No it isn't Kryten, you thick, titanium plank: That is a distress call, whose signature was compressed and defragged due interstellar singularities."

"You're quite right, sir, as usual. How could I have made such an elementary mistake? As usual." Muttered Kryten his stupidity.

"I'll program a new course, we need to intercept the stranded vessel." Said Rimmer heroically.

"No! that can be dangerous!" Exclaimed Lister.

"Courage my countrymen!" Rimmer imitated Cesar.

"It's at times like these that I get really scared!" Wined Cat.

"Me too! Save us! Somebody save us before I wet me cakes!" Wined Lister even more.

Rimmer turned to them with words of wisdom: "I know it's dangerous, but they're people in need. We'll never can forgive us when we don't take any risks. And if things shall go out of hand: You still got me."

"You're right: HOORAY." Exclaimed Rimmer's crew, and they broke out in a song:

If you're in trouble he will save the day.
He's brave and he's fearless come what may.
Without him the mission would go astray.
He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer.
Without him life would be much grimmer.
He's handsome, trim, and no-one's slimmer.
He will never need a Zimmer.

"Thank you, that was very informative." Interrupted him Robin.
But the Flashback went on.

He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
More reliable than a garden trimmer,
He's never been mistaken for Jean Luc Piccard,
He's not bald and his head never spark'd.

"Thank you very, very much, we've got the picture." Interrupted him Cyborg.
But the Flashback still went on.

Master of the wit and the repartee,
His command of Space Directives is uncanny,
How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me...

"Mr. Rimmer, I hope this song won't come to its end, my brain hasn't melted yet." Interrupted him Raven.
But the Flashback wasn't ending.

Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
He's also a fantastic swimmer,
And if you play your cards right,
then he just might come 'round for dinner…

The Flashback stopped - Rimmer was out of lines.
But Starfire wasn't:

"He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
Even stronger than a Gloofack inside a Flinkimmer…"

She sang… to the horror of the other Titans. "Sorry, it's a very catchy tune." She apologized.

"So anyway," said Rimmer. "Just when we were about to rendezvous with your spacecraft. We were attacked by that giant space monster. I lured the monster to my direction, to give the others time to flee. Unfortunately he gobbled me up, but luckily he just swallow and didn't chew. So I ended up inside him, studying him from the inside, biding my time to spring back into action."
He grinned at the Robin, Starfire, Cyborg and Raven who stared at him with their highest scepticism.

"That's the whole story." Rimmer justified himself.

"Yeah right." They said unbelievingly unison.

"Kids." Sneered Rimmer.

TO BE CONTINUED