AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Sorry about that awfully bad written, very naughty bit with Starfire. I was drunk.
Don't forget to have a look my TEEN RED DWARF TITANS-website on my homepage.
CHAPTER 4:
KRYTEN
"YEAAAAHHH-OOOOOOW EEEEE, YEAAAHH!"
It was Cat again.
"Guess who's back! Back again! How am I looking?"
He turned to the Titans, who held up points cards like diving or skating judges. Cat noticed the high rating.
"Aaaoooww! Right Little Green Boy! I've warm them up. Hit the floor" He gestured at Beast Boy who was shy and was hiding behind a corner.
Beast Boy sighted and then staggered to the others. He wore a very smart silver grey suite. (almost like the one Draco Malfoy wore in the Goblet of fire, the movie, not book)
Like a professional fashion designer, Cat introduced the 'new' Beast Boy: "I was thinking of a monochrome tone which distract the viewers to look at his face. Please note that the tight fabric forces him to move in a more mature way.
"Whoa." Said Cyborg impressed.
"Whoa." Expressed Robin. "Looks good."
Beast Boy said: "I dunno, I can't change in this suit."
Starfire and Raven said nothing. They just realized that Beast Boy was developing into a handsome young man, and as female teenagers the immediately jump into action and avoid eye contact and hid behind Cyborg.
Rimmer yawned loudly and clapped his hand as he mocked:
"Splendid, splendid! Now can we leave this Fashion show and go to the aperitif, where we can search for Lister and Kryten perhaps? Or are some wedding dresses coming up?"
Cat scowled at Rimmer, who walked away. Soon the others followed him.
"I mean, where would you all be without my courageous leadership?" He asked, walked around a corner, where a malformed torso of a body, entangled in wires, was hanging from the ceiling.
Rimmer yelped in fear and hid behind Cyborg.
Raven and Starfire came forward and they examined the torso.
Raven said: "Cool…uh, I mean… eww."
"Is this the android with the name Kryten?" Asked Starfire Cat.
"Yeah it's the mechanoid-dude." Cat bows down to the torso, and spoke to it. "Hey, how are you? Speak to me…" There was no response. "Oh, silly me." Said Cat and turned the torso around. "Wakey, wakey, Mr. Clean… You've a lot of socks to wash…."
"I think he's broken." Said Cyborg.
"What tells you that?" Asked Cat.
"It's the way how the wires are hanging out the holes, where his limbs and head should be."
"Oh yeah!" Said Cat convinced: "You're a technical genius, can you fix him?"
"I can pimp him if you like." Smiled Cyborg while several tools came out of his fingers.
"Nice… try to make him a vest with purple gold colour." Said Cat exited.
Cyborg turned to the others. "Spread out, we need to find his other body parts… and Rimmer?"
"Yes."
"You can come out now. It's save."
"Actually I just was testing your reaction."
"Of course you have." And Cyborg rolled with his eyes, then the cut down Kryten's torso from the wires. Starfire came to him.
The Titans went looking, Rimmer confronted Cat in a quite corner.
"Cat, there's a bazookoid on deck mauve-blue, I suggest you arm yourself."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't trust them, Cat."
"Hey they're cool, they smell cool."
"Look, the last time we met intelligent life-forms. They tried to suck out our brain trough our noses."
"They don't want to suck out our brains. I'll prove you."
Cat turns to Starfire who has found a part of Kryten's head.
"Hey floating girl. Do you and your friends eventually want to eat our brains?"
Rimmer finches.
"Uh… is it custom on this ship?" Asked Starfire innocently.
"No."
"Then the answer is 'No'."
"Thank you." Cat smiles and turned back to Rimmer: "See, they're charming people."
Finally Starfire came to Cyborg.
"Cyborg… How about some head?"
Bewildered Cyborg let Kryten fall down on the floor.
"What's the matter?" Asked Starfire with all innocents of the world, and produced one half of Kryten's head.
"Ahh! I understand! I was thinking…" But Cyborg didn't dare to complete the sentence, and picked Kryten up.
"What were you thinking Cyborg?" Asked Robin outraged.
"Nothing."
"Okay." Robin excepted the answer.
"What were you thinking Cyborg was thinking Robin?" Starfire asked him bewildered.
"Nothing."
"That's fine friend." She turned back to Cyborg. "Shall I throw a leg over."
"What!" Cyborg saw that Starfire has spotted one of Kryten legs.
"AhH! Sure!" You can get your leg over… I mean the leg.
Starfire came with the leg. " I see you're laying cable. Look, the cable is labelled, it's like Plug and Play: I think we can make ends meet when we insert tab A into slot B."
Cyborg was anxious: "Sure, pop it in… I mean…"
Raven arrived: "This might come handy." She had one of Kryten's hand.
"Good, then Cyborg can work the fist in."
"WHat!… Oh of course." Said Raven.
"I think he can bend it in." Said Starfire.
"Sure he can bang it in." Replied Raven dryly.
Beast Boy arrived with an odd part. "What's this for a part?"
"You're having a bit…" Said Starfire.
"WHAt!"
"…, you can't tell?"
"Ah yes, that bit."
Cyborg looked up from repairing: "That's a piece of Kryten's butt."
"Eww." Said Beast Boy.
"So, you're having a piece of butt? Let me see." Said Starfire.
"Uhem sure, piece of cake."
Starfire looked over Cyborg shoulder and gave him some advice. "You're very good at popping and plugging things in. May I suggest that you should sinking it in, this part. It works with greasing the axle, I'll be getting some oil. And that part should have some banging in. But be careful or you'll hammering it off."
Embarrassed Robin put his hand on Starfire shoulder and pulled her away.
"You better have a time-out."
Cat and Rimmer joined them. Cat brought with Kryten's left shoulder-pad.
"How's are the repairs going on?" Asked Rimmer and Cyborg replied.
"It looks worse than it is. I'm quite surprise how easy I can repair him. The only tricky bit is that big hole in his chest."
"Yes. He must got impaled when he fell down that hole" Said Cat.
"WHAHHHHAHHHHAAAHHAHAHAHAH!" Laughed Starfire hysteric. All stared at her.
"What's the matter Starfire?" Asked Robin.
"Nothing…" Grinned Starfire with a head as red than a ripe tomato.
"Really?" Asked Robin sceptic.
"Well… I… well… the." She blushed strongly. "Impaled… it's a funny word."
"Why?"
She took a deep breath: "Because it's a sexual metaphor." And she broke out in girlish giggling.
The others rolled with their eyes, only Cat was confused.
"I don't get it."
In that moment, there was a spark and Kryten started himself up.
"Boo-YAH!" He's ALIVE." Triumphed Cyborg.
Kryten eyelids were vibrating as he was starting up, he was saying:
"BOOTING UP:
MODEL: KRYTEN
SERIES: 4000
INT. 2340
(C) DIVADROID
DAMAGE ASSESSMENT:7
CONDITION: OFF SCALE"
As the battered Kryten regained consciousness, Cat smiled at him.
"Hey, scrap-yard-head."
"Ah Mr. Cat sir… and Mr…. Smeeeheeee…" He said while looking at Rimmer.
"I think he's still broken." Commented Rimmer.
"How you're doing?" Asked Cat.
A peace of paper tinkered out of Kryten and Cyborg picked it up and read from it loud:
"Maintenance Level: 5.
Recall Of Previous Events: 16.
Damage Factor: 93.
Advised Repair Schedule: Reboot Start-up disk, offline for 24 hours, and replace the entire body."
Kryten turned to the Titans. "Oh, you must be the crew of that marooned 21st century spaceship. Let me go through my database of the in space disappeared people of the 21st century…"
Kryten head buzzed briefly and then he said: "Oh… you're all superheroes …
You're Robin- the combat-equipped, kung-fu-trained one-man army.
You're Starfire- extraterrestrial princess of star firing fury.
You're Cyborg- the high-tech teen fighting machine.
And you're Raven- the cute emphatic sorceress with mastery of space and time.
"Cute?" Grunted Raven bewildered.
"Says my database, ma'am. It's based on Teen Titan Wiki, a fangeek site."
"Cute?" Grunted Raven again bewildered.
"Oh and what about me…" Broke out Beast Boy.
"Oh you're… 're Frogkid… No… Error… You're face is too goofy… The Snotmaster?
"I'm Beast Boy- the quick-witted changeling, who can turn into any animal."
"I apologize, you don't seem to be listed in my database, the only thing I can say about you, is that you're wearing a very nice suit, sir."
"Enough of this fan-boy-whacking. You know what happened to Lister?" Asked Rimmer.
"Yes sir. Let me recall my star-log:
After Mr. Lister and myself, were separated from you and Mr. Cat, the monster took deck tangerine and the second hall. We have barred the gates in sector cranberry, but we couldn't hold on for long. The ground shakes. It drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow moves in the dark. We cannot get out. It is coming: It is the Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh…"
"What?" Asked Robin puzzled.
"The Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh…" Answered Kryten.
"What is that?"
"That is all what my log says: Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh."
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh?"
"You must have got damaged while recording it." Suggested Starfire.
But Kryten said: "Excuse me ma'am, but if I was damaged, I wouldn't bother to record Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh. I'd just say it! Maybe I meant the Camaaaaaargue?"
"What's that?" Asked Cat.
"A place in France." Replied Kryten.
"Isn't there a Saint Aaauuves in Cornwall?" Asked Rimmer.
"No, that's Saint Ives." Said Kryten.
"Oooohoohohooo!" Said Beast Boy.
"No, no. Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh at the back of the throat." Said Cyborg.
"No, no, no, no." Continued Beast Boy "Oooooooh, in surprise and alarm. As a sort of a Aaah!"
"That's a good theory Mr. Beast Boy, sir." Said Kryten. "Aaah!"
"May I say, that it could be legendary Black Beast of Aaarrrrggh!" Suggested Raven. All turn to her as she asked Kryten: "Did it walked on 2 feet, had 2 big horns and 22 eyes?"
"No, sorry, ma'am."
"Never mind, because it just would be too silly." Raven deadpanned.
"On the other hand Ms. Starfire theory could be correct, and my hard drive is corrupted." Concluded Kryten.
"I think I should have a look at it." Said Cyborg. "There no computer who can resist me."
"Sir, with all respect but you are not a certified software supporter and consequently messing around with my operation system will invalidate my guarantee."
"So what now?" Said Cyborg disappointed.
"The best procedure would be that you get me into my repair room in the computer core sector. With the help of Holly, our ships computer, I can regain my memory and get my body repaired. Although I want to add, you have done a remarkable job in putting me back online."
"Thank you. By the way " Said Cyborg while holding up an odd looking part. "I still can make no use of this thing. Does it belong to you?"
"Oh yes, it's a prototype."
"A prototype of what?"
"It's a prototype of my 'penis'."
Cat grinned, Rimmer sighted and the Titans were in shock.
Disgusted, Cyborg let the prototype fall flat on Beast Boy foot, who yelled up in pain, then Cyborg wipes off his hand on Robins cape. "Hey! Stop that!" Robin yelled.
Suddenly the 'penis' activates itself after it's fall and it drives away.
"Archie, come back!" Called Cyborg.
"You made a penis, named Archie?" Concluded Starfire.
"Yes ma'am. I build it out of an old electron board, a loo roll, some sticky-backed plastic and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper.
"I know this sounds ridiculous, but what do you want with a penis?" Asked him Raven.
Kryten explained: "Generally mechanoids are not issued with genitals, the only exception are those ones created to work on Italian starships. It was felt they could acclimatise themselves better if they could mimic their Italian crewmates and stand around cupping themselves all day. So when I first spotted your well designed star craft. I presumed it was from Italy, therefore I went through the trouble to build myself 'a little rascal of mine'."
Meanwhile Archie came back and was looking at them with his one eye.
"Just leave him to me. Here, Archie! Here, boy!" Whistled him Kryten. But Archie didn't listened. He hurled around on the floor and dashes out of sight again.
"Seems you have absolutely no control over your penis." Stated Starfire.
"Like all men." Deadpanned Raven.
Then she and Starfire looked at each other and girlish giggled their heads off. Cat grinned and Rimmer sighed, while all others were embarrassed.
Except for Kryten: "I'm so proud! Archie, come back!"
TO BE CONTINUED