AUTHOR'S NOTE:
There's some fanart on the TEEN RED DWARF TITANS-website on my homepage.
Lines stolen from Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings.

CHAPTER 5:
LISTER

The 5 Titans and the 3 Dwarves were on their way to the computer core sector. Kryten still couldn't walk, so he was carried by Cyborg. Meanwhile the Titans asked him questions about the future of mankind.

"There no humans left?" asked Robin.

"No, sorry sir, we haven't encountered any human life-forms since Mister Lister came out of stasis."

"What about extraterrestrial life-forms like mine, the Tameranians?" Asked Starfire.

"No, sorry ma'am, we haven't encountered any alien-life forms either. The whole universe seems to have drastically changed in the last 3 million years. It seems a lot of aliens-species you know, don't exist anymore. For example the Thangarians and the Daxxamites have gone too."

Starfire was now very sad.

"No Green Lantern Corps?" Asked Robin.
"I regret sir."

"What about the New Gods from New Genesis?" Asked Raven
"Sorry ma'am."

"New-Kryptonians?" Asked Cyborg.
Not in this galaxy, sir.

"What about the Imps from the 5th dimension?" Asked Robin..
"Instinct after they fiddled around with the 6.5th dimension."

"And the Omicronians" Asked Beast Boy.

"I will answer that question in two parts.
First: There are no Omicronians.
Second: There's no such thing as Omicronians outside the fictional serial Futurama.

"So space is empty?" Concluded Cyborg.

"Not quite sir, there are still gelfs, polymorphs, space weevils, the civilizations under Mr. Lister toenails, robots, mechanoids, androids and simulants, we encounter from time to time." Answered him Kryten.

"Aren't Simulants and Androids the same?" Asked Beast Boy.

"No sir, for example the basic difference between a simulant and an android is, that the latter would never rip off a human's head and spit down his neck."

"Nice." Deadpanned Raven.

"And this David Lister is the last known man of the universe?" Asked Robin.

"Yes… but only until we met you of course." Said Kryten.

"How is he like?"

"You will love him. He's a good man, a man of moral courage… but never let him play his guitar."

Raven made a mental note: "Never let him play his guitar… check!"

"But apart from that Mr. Lister has been always an icon of mine, he encouraged me to break my
programming and adapt human behaviour making me independent."

Rimmer behind them added: "As I said: What a stupid utter git of a robot."

"As I said, things must have been very harmonic on this ship. Before we arrived." Whispered Raven to Starfire.

But Kryten continued: "He thought me how to lie, cheat, to be unpleasant, cruel, deceitful, offensive and sarcastic. Those are the human qualities I admire the most!"

Starfire was puzzled and turned to Kryten: "But why do you want to be grumpy?"

"Grumpiness a vital part of your psychological defence system, it's what makes you human."

Starfire smiled and hit Raven with her elbow.
"You're more human than you admit." She whispered at her.

"Hoo-ray" Deadpanned Raven.

But Robin was sceptic, a robot lying: That was preposterous. So he confronted him with. "Isn't lying wrong?"

And Kryten replied:
"Well sir, in most cases yes, but you also have to understand that it can be noble to lie: Like Humphrey Bogart, at the end of Casablanca, when he lies to his ex-girlfriend's husband to protect his feelings. Some times it's essential to conceal your true intentions from other people. I'm getting quite good at lying. Ask me about the colour of your cape."

"What's the colour of my cape?" Asked Robin weary.

"Engage lie-mode." Spoke Kryten: "It's b… it's b… it's a red-and-blue striped off-duty Bolivian penguin. But don't waste my time you tedious person. I have to witness Czechoslovakian Navy manoeuvres the in the South Pacific with my golfing umbrella." Smiled Kryten.

Robin blinked, he and the other Titans were a slightly impressed.

"You see, I can lie, cheat, AND be offensive now." Triumphed Kryten. "I'm quite human."

"Not to mention wanting to have a penis." Smirked Robin.

Again there was one huge gap in the corridor. The group stopped in front of the void.

Beast Boy tried to bow down to have a better look.
"OUCH this suit is too tight." He straightened up again.

"Isn't this just great." Complained Rimmer. "We're only one storage away from the computer core sector and the stairs over there are smashed. Now we need to walk an one hour detour to an other stairway unless of course we've got a portable elevator.

Raven stretched out her hands and formed a black bubble around them. Then they were elevated up one floor.
"Well done Raven" Said Robin and turned to Rimmer "We've got a portable elevator." Kryten and Cat were impressed, while the Titans grinned at him, except Beast Boy who was pulling around his pants.

They stood now in the computer core section and then they walked down the corridor to Kryten's repair station.

"Ah, home sweet home." Said Kryten when they entered the small room, there was a recharge coil dangling on the ceiling and Kryten's spare parts were packed in boxes, they were greeted by Kryten's spare heads, who were displayed on a shelf .

There's wasn't enough space for all, so Raven, Starfire and Beast Boy stayed outside. While Robin and Cyborg were quite enthusiastic to help Cat and Rimmer to build a 22nd century mechanoid together.

The girls could not fail to notice Beast Boy still pulling around his pants.

"Have you got no shame?" Asked Raven dryly.

Beast Boy addressed to the girls. "Dudes, these trousers are far too tight. Look!" He turned around and showed them his squeezed backside.

Normally the girls would break out in collective 'Eww-ing', but this time Beast Boy wore a very manly suit.

Beast Boy bowed down a little bit, and said: "I mean you can see how big this pants makes my butt."

The manly outfit made his rear kind of interesting to the girls.

"What do you think?" He asked them.

Raven was still staring and Starfire mumbled unclear: "We need a couple of hours to finally decide."

"WHAT!"

The girls looked away.

"Nothing." Muttered Raven.

Then Cat, Cyborg, Rimmer, Robin walked out.
Cyborg stated: "We've assembled a new body for Kryten and now his uploading his memory into it. The process takes only a couple of minutes."

"Soon we'll find out who this mysterious Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh is." Said Robin while rubbing his hands.

Suddenly the Cat sniffed suspiciously. The Titans stared at Beast Boy.

"DUDES! It's not me!" He protested.

But Cat was sniffing on, then he yelled. "FISH!"

There was a trail of sardines lying on the floor.

Cat happily began to sing: "I'm gonna eat you little fishy! I'm gonna eat you little fishy!"

He hopped from fish to fish and ate them. Munching he followed the line of sardines.

The Titans look bewildered at each other. Then Rimmer's paranoia jumped into action:
"NO! You stupid cat that's a trap."

Rimmer and the Titans followed Cat.

"Hmm! Hmm!" uttered Cat with his full mouth.

"CAT! Stop at once." Ordered him Rimmer.

"HHM… hmm, HMM, Smeghead, Hmm, hmm." Replied Cat while chewing with his full mouth.

Finally Cat munched his way up to the end of the sardines-line. Cat was now standing in front of a small table with some more fish on a nice plate. Rimmer and the Titans arrived too.

They were standing now in a dark room. The only source of light, was a bulb, hanging over the table. Behind the table stood a lonely open locker.

The Titans look suspiciously around while Rimmer warned Cat: "Get out of here, don't you see that there's something fishy going on?"

Cat swallowed the fish and calmed them down: "Hey guys… This is not a trap."

The door closed and the light went out.

Cat said. "On second thought: This is a trap."

Rimmer ducked for cover while the Titans powered up their weapons:
Starfire's eyes and her fists started glow green. Beast Boy turns into a firefly (the suit he got from Cat fell on the floor) and Cyborg activated his shoulder lamp.

With the light they were creating they could see, how Cat got blast by a net. Immobilised, he fell down on the floor. Then a dark figure wrapped a black cotton bag on Cat's head, followed by a black plastic bucket.

Just when the Titans were about to attack, they heard a friendly voice from the dark figure.

"Everything is okay Cat, it's me Lister."

The Titans halted their attack. Rimmer looked up in disbelieved.

"HEY BUDDY!" Mumbled Cat underneath the bucket, the bag and the net. "WHAT THE ç IS ç€&#£ GOING ON?

"Trust me Cat." Said Lister and pushed Cat into the locker behind the table, then Lister locked it. Then he pulled out a remote and switched the light on again.

Now they could clearly see Dave Lister smiling like a gerbil at them. He had a bazookoid on his back and appeared very exhausted.

"Lister! You smeghead. What the smegging smeg were you smegging when you was smegging this?" Greeted him Rimmer, who jumped forward.

"Hey Rimmer… good to see you made it." Said Lister and was just was about to hug him but he restrained himself. "Where's Kryten?"

"In the mechanoid-workshop…" Answered Rimmer before Cat interrupted him: "GERBIL FACE! LET ME OUT!"

"SORRY Cat, sorry. Fact is: You're the Space Monster."

The Titans were dumbstruck. Rimmer surprised.

"What?" Said Cat with disbelieved.

"You're something like a 'Were-Cat'.

"WHAT?" Said all with the exception of Lister.

Lister put now all the pieces of the puzzle together.
"It began when we made a detour to save these five 21st century guys. We went into orbit around this moon, remember, this green moon you were staring at. Of course you can't remember that, because you transformed into that Were-Cat, destroying Holly, swallowing Rimmer and marooning the Red Dwarf, but when the Red Dwarf passed into the dark side of the moon, you turned back. That's why your clothes were ripped when I and Kryten found you after the monster vanished.

"And I always thought I had some very realistic erotic daydreams." Said Cat.

Lister smiled and continued: "But we didn't knew it then. So when we three tried to bring Red Dwarf online again. You looked again out of a window, and became again the Were-Cat. And this time I and Kryten witnessed your transformation."

"So I'm the Were-Cat Space Monster." Concluded Cat profound. "Tell me, did my fur colour matched with my rags?"

Lister ignored that question.

Rimmer spoke up: "Right, there's only one human solution: We put him inside the next airlock and blow him into space."

Lister ignored that suggestion.

"Go JOZXYQK yourself toilet-brush hair!" Insulted him Cat.

"Look, we fix the machines and try to get out of the orbit from that moon. Till then…" Lister turned to the locker: "Sorry Cat, you have to stay in this room in this locker."

"All right, I can't risk loosing more of my wardrobe." Responded Cat.

The Titans and the two Dwarves walked out the dark room.

Outside Lister mustered the Teen Titans.
Soon his eyes glittered as if he was a kid seeing Santa Claus.
He asked Rimmer.
"Are they those who I'm thinking off."

Rimmer sighted: "Well let me introduce you to each other:
David Lister, these are 5 kids.
And Teen Titans, this is a big kid."

Lister felt as a little kid who got from Santa an X-box 3.6 million together with the Dead or Alive Beach-Volleyball 5000, see-through bathing suit edition.

"He-hey I know you guys… I can't believe this is true… You're the smegging TEEN TITANS! I can't believe this, you are my childhood heroes."

The Titans were now a bit bashful, while Lister worshiped them.

"You're Robin, brave ultra-cool sidekick of Batman, you're sassy Starfire with laser-eyes from the planet Tameran, you're Cyborg the smartest and strongest dude the world ever seen and you're the dark-sorceress Raven the loveliest member of the team.

"The loveliest?" Responded Raven sceptic. "When I'm back in the past and need to work on my reputation."

Beast Boy grinned at Lister.
"Oh and you are…" Lister was thinking "You are…"

Beast Boy changed into a penguin, a giraffe and a raptor to help Lister.

"Of course silly me: Broccoli Boy." He responded.

Beast Boy was now very hurt. "I AM BEAST BOY." He shouted a him.

"OH Beast Boy… the… the… green one." Said Lister.

Beast Boy was crossed: "And what else you know about me?" He asked demanding.

Lister, not wanting to offend Beast Boy, was now heavily thinking, he spoke slowly.
"You're green… you're with the Titans… you wore before a very neat suit…"

"I can change into animals." gnashed Beast Boy.

"You can change into animals… and kitchen appliances." Guessed Lister poorly.

"You have no idea who I am." Said Beast boy just about to explode

"Well… yes."

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE FUTURE!" Beast Boy blew out.
He needed time on his on, and stomped away.

Lister said: "Oh smeg, what a way to threat a Titans: Poor East Roy."

"That's Beast Boy." Corrected him Cyborg.

"Oh yeah."

"How comes the future don't know about him?" Asked him Robin suspicious.
Lister shrugged and said:
"As a born future-boy, I better go after him and apologize."

"Oh let him sulk." Bloated Rimmer "We got important things to do. We need to get the engines running and leave the orbit of this cursed moon."

He walked to a shut window at a wall, where he spoke to a sensor. "Authorisation: Arnold Rimmer: Open the window."

The metal shield, which was blocking the view, lowered down. A big wide-screen-window revealed the stars and the wonders of space.

And there it was, a bright, shining moon.

Sending its green beams to the faces of Titans the two Dwarves.

The moon was quite little.
"It's a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so a small thing.
- Such a little thing." Remarked Rimmer dreamily.

"Why the moon isn't influencing us?" Asked Robin.

"It seems this moon cause only a 'Were-Cat syndrome'." Imagined Raven.

"Exactly, we're homo sapiens, descended from apes." Answered Lister. "Cat, however is Felis sapiens, descended from my pet cat Frankenstein, three million years ago."

Cyborg theorised: "Oh… weren't the Tamaranians descended from Cat-like creatures too?"

Their eyes widen and they looked over to Starfire.

Starfire didn't look good, she was staring at the green moon and panting in the same way like Professor Lupin did the Movie 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban'.

"STARFIRE!" Yelled Robin concerned.

A close up of Starfire's eyes showed how the pupils of her eyes were changing. Her heartbeats speeded up and she was breathing more heavily as before.

Rimmer shouted the window to close again.

The Titans pulled Starfire away from the window and made her face them.

She was trembling.

"Let me help."
Raven touches with a black glowing hand Star's chest and she spoke. "You know the woman you truly are Starfire."

Starfire's legs stretched and became hairy.

"This heart is where you truly live!"

Starfire's arms became hairy.

"This Hearth here."

Starfire's mouth swell out.

"This flesh is only flesh!…"

Starfire slashed Raven away. Her body was now covered with fur, her suit ripped, claws came out and she gained 5 times of her body mass.

"OWWW!" She howled, while big jaws came out her mouth.

Raven look in horror at the others. "Run! Run!"

"Star! Star!" Robin tried to go to Starfire but he was hold back by Lister: "Come on Robin."

"We can't leave her."

Lister spoke: "Robin! If she was only half as strong as Cat, she still would be…"

Robin interrupted him: "Wait. Wait."

They saw how the Were-Cat was covering and whimpering on the floor.

"Robin!" Raven tried to hold him back.

"Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea." whispered Rimmer in horror.

"Star? Starfire? Koriand'r?" Asked her Robin, hoping she would remember…

But she didn't.

"MEOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" She howled at them.

The Were-Cat walked slowly to them.

Rimmer tried to calm her down. "Nice kitty. Nice kitty."

A door opened and a fresh repaired Kryten walked in.

Not seeing the Were-Cat behind him. He addressed to them.

"Ah, Mr. Lister sir. Nice to see you again. Ladies and gentlemen: I've finally managed to decorrupt my files and I'm afraid to say that the mysterious space monster is nobody else than our Mr. Cat.
It seems that due the radiation of the green moon we're orbiting, Cat has been effected to become a so-called Were-Cat.
I advised to put Mr. Cat immediately into Quarantine until we've left orbit. Further. I strongly advised to quarantine Ms. Starfire too. There's a 86 chance, that due her feline ancestry she could be also affected by the moon's radiation.

Finally Kryten noticed their shocked faces, he turned around and saw the Were-Cat.
"Curse mode on: Oh, smegging smeg."

The Were-Cat hawled its prank at him. He flew against the wall and broke again into dozens pieces.

His head landed direct in the hands of Beast Boy, who returned after hearing the transformation noises, only to catch Kryten's head and find a Were-Cat.

He got so afraid he couldn't move.

"WHAM!"
Lister has sneaked at the Were-Cat from behind and shot closely in its back.

With his modified bazookoid he shot one huge net around her.

The Were-Cat stood straight up, and ripped without difficulties the net apart.

Lister gulped at the Titans and pointed at the running something at the end of the corridor:
"Follow that Rimmer shaped blur!"

TO BE CONTINUED

ANOTHER AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Please don't mention the precise nature of the space monster in the reviews, that would be like yelling in the beginning of the 6th Harry Potter movie who's killing, who.
:-) :-) :-)
Ace Trax.