It is strange to see you like this. So helpless, skin as white as the sheet under which your thin frame lies buried. Even though you are plunged in dreamless sleep I think I can feel your resentment scorching me. Or is it the warmth of your feverish body, burning through the sheets?
Do not think this is any bit easier for me, Severus. It is not easier for me than for you. Not easier at all.
And I? Why am I here when it is so hard for me?
Do not think I am here out of the kindness you looked down upon, Severus. I am here to vex your sleep, although none of the nurses would ever suspect that to be the reason. An old school friend, I told them. I know you would approve of this lie, white as the sheets. I came here to despise you in your weakness because I failed to be able to hate you at home. I thought seeing your disgusting weakness now, after all that you have done, would cause this feeling in me. And did it?
I am old, Severus. Older than you think. Worn. I tried to hate you and failed, I tried to forgive you and failed. I tried to resent you and am not sure of my success even now. I know that you hate me, though, that every minute of my presence is unbearable for you in your weakness. That, at least, is a welcome reward. I resent myself for not being able to hate you properly, but I found that my memory is too good for it to work. And I still trust Dumbledore too much.
What about your memory? Is that where you are now, that you are not conscious? Are you trapped in your own memory, have you closed yourself in your own mind, Severus?
And what do you remember? Do you remember me, where you are? Or do you remember your own glory days, far away from this fragility?
In my minds eye, I can see myself like a stranger, looking back on the past which is so far away it has almost ceased being a part of me. Is that the same with you? Do you see yourself, another than you are now?
Do you remember your first day at Hogwarts, Severus?
The dreaded day had come. In a rush and a dreamlike frenzy Remus and his parents had left their home and driven to King's Cross in the small car of his mother. It seemed too early to think. His father, who had packed him a small lunch and shoved it into Remus' hand, had looked at least as worried as he was, although he kept pressing his son's hand reassuringly even now. Ever so often, feeling the gaze of the boy upon his face, Remus' father would turn and smile at his son, who was sitting next to him in the back seat. Turning his head and looking up, Remus could see the concentrated eyes of his mother in the rear view mirror, flitting his way and that under the contracted brows.
A traffic light in front of them changed suddenly and his mother decided to wait instead of squeezing through.
'Are you alright back there, dears?' came the soft voice of his mother from the front seat. His father gave him an expectant look and Remus tried to smile.
'Yes, mother.' Silence fell again. His hand was hidden in the big, warm hand of his father who was sitting uncomfortably far away from him in the middle seat of the car. He was looking ahead sternly, his eyes fixed to the traffic ahead. Remus sighed and looked out of the window on his side of the car.
His brown eyes hanging on to each of the passing trees, trying to slow down the car by clinging to the trees with his eyes. It did not work, the car sped on unabated, flashing past muggle cars. Whenever his mother did a rather dangerous manoeuvre, his father's hand would grow tense around the Remus' hand.
Remus wanted to say something, but he could not think of anything to say. His brain was still fogged by sleepiness, and he felt that if he opened his mouth now, that aching thing which sat in his throat would leap out. He did not want to make his parents worry. Minutes passed, cars sped by.
The silence deepened between the three members of the family, a vast black gorge unfolding and wrapping each of them away from the other though in thick feather blankets which sucked in every sound.
Remus gave it another try. He looked up at the strained face of his father and took a deep breath. The strained profile of his father did not turn towards him, it stayed linked to the road ahead and he could see the little creases on his forehead and the thin, stern mouth. There was nothing he could say; his father would have to stay wrapped in his blanket for the moment.
'Be careful, love,' his father said in a voice of forced calm as his mother sped through a very small gap between a taxi and a huge bus.
'I am. I know what I am doing.' Said his mother, and there was an edge in the statement that made his father throw his head to one side quite moodily and look out of the window on the other side of the car, away from Remus. Remus, in turn, shrank back in his seat, pulling his head down between his shoulders. The feeling which had been growing in his throat was spreading all over his body now, making his nerves tingle and fizz with tension.
After twenty more painful minutes, the car pulled into a parking space. His father squeezed his hand and then got out of the car as quickly as possible, taking a deep breath of air as soon as he was outside. Remus fiddled with the safety belt and looked up to see his mother's eyes looking at him.
Suddely, creases appeared around them and Remus, frowning, remembered that she must be smiling. Her eyes stayed strangely serious, though.
'You'll like it. It is great fun, I promise. It was the happiest time of my life, in Hogwarts.' She said in her quiet voice. Remus forced a smile and nodded, opening the door next to him and setting one clumsy foot on the wet pavement. He looked up at the station and hunched his shoulders. He noticed that his father had already taken the trunk out of the back of the car and had left to get a trolley without saying anything.
Remus heard a sigh next to him and looked up, seeing his mother frowning after his father. She turned and closed the car with a flick of her wand, smiling at him.
'You really will. And you will not be the only ha- half-blood either,' she said warmly. Remus did not respond. He found he could not open his mouth, it as gagged by the space of silence that stretched between his father, returning now with the trolley, and his mother and him. He went over to his trunk and dragged it a few feet towards the trolley. His father nodded at him, lifted the trunk onto the trolley easily and started pushing it towards the entrance.
'Come on.'
Remus sighed and, as he felt the pressure of a hand on his shoulder, followed his father with his mother. He realised how they tried to stay closer to him all the time, at least as worried as he was. The high sky above them was leaden with dark clouds that bore down on them and dragged at their moods even more. The light turned everything into even colder colours than they were anyway.
With a growing lump in his throat, Remus walked through the doors of the station. He had never been in a place with so many people and felt exposed, open. Each of those uncovering looks of those around him seemed designed to make someone realise who he was any instant. What he was.
His father purposefully pushed the trolley towards the barrier without looking back, then turned towards his mother and him with a slightly pained expression. He made an odd gesture, his arms flapping open under his long, sad face and he knelt down like a crow swooping. Remus frowned, then recognised what he was to do and rushed forwards faster than he thought he would, hiding his face in his fathers neck as he felt the large arms closing over his back.
'You'll be fine, son. I am sure it is a very good school and that you will like it a lot and make lots of friends. Um.' It was obvious that he was trying to be kind, and the thing in Remus' throat bit at it from the inside and he felt wetness trickle down his cheeks, the thing tying his throat into a knot. He could only nod and cling to the huge frame of his father with both arms as hard as he could. After a long while, he felt a heavy pat on his back and his father got up, ruffling his hair as he did so.
'Good luck. I'll meet you at the car,' his father said to his mother and stepped aside. His mother gave him a warning look and forced a smile, then took the trolley and nodded towards the barrier.
'Come on then, love.'
Remus nodded, but was still not able to take his eyes off his father, whose own eyes were suspiciously red. He gave him a grim smile and waved, although he was only a few feet away from him. Remus nodded and dragged himself towards the barrier with leaden feet.
Suddenly he was on the other side. It was rather quiet here; only a few people were about, parents and their sleepy children with huge trunks just like Remus' own one.
'Come on, if you get on the train early, then you can pick your compartment. You'll have some time to yourself, then.' She smiled at him and he sighed. He knew it would be best if he took a compartment at the far back of the train where it was not likely he would meet anyone at all. It was not what his parents wanted, he knew that, but he also knew that at least his father thought it would be best if he did not get in contact with people at all.
Hanging his head he nodded and, spurred on by a sudden bite in his throat by the thing, he flung his arms around his mother's waist and quickly buried his face in her robes, closing his eyes. He wanted to stay here forever. Breathing in the hot air, he noticed her flowery scent, so familiar. Now, it made the thing inside him claw at his throat. Her hand settled on his head and stroked his hair briefly.
'Oh, look, there is another boy your age!' she said brightly. Quickly Remus stood away from his mother and turned to his trunk, but curiosity won. He turned and saw his mother waving at the mother of this boy, who nodded back, curtly. She was a tall woman in long, black robes with long, black hair and her thin, pale face did not look particularly pleased.
'What a surprise! I did not know you would be here. How is your husband?'
'Fine.' Was the dry reply and his mother must have noticed the tone as well, because she said,
'How they grow, ey? This is their first day at school, and it seems like only yesterday that they learned how to walk.' She put an arm around Remus and quickly pulled him to her side.
'Why don't you boys board the train and find a good compartment, mh?' She said brightly. Remus felt a sudden stab of resentment. He did not want to be send off with another boy, he wanted to stay here, with her, until the train was about to go and he had to run. He nodded, face glum. She kissed his hair and he shook his head away, knowing it would hurt her.
She responded by pulling him into a proper hug.
'See you in the holidays,' she whispered in his ear. 'Darling, I will miss you so much! Have fun, and behave. I love you!' he shook her off, unable to reply.
'See you too, mother.' He dared to croak and quickly grabbed his trunk, staring up at her.
'Very well, I'll leave then, mh? Better not let your father wait.' She planted a last kiss on his forehead and turned, unsteadily, her heeled feet suddenly threatening to trip on the stones, pushing the empty trolley in front of her.
This departure was oddly hurried, but he could see that his shoulders were shaking slightly. The other boy was talking to his mother in a quiet voice, his face much more serious than his own. He looked older than a first year, Remus thought. Clenching his teeth, he turned and made for the train with his trunk held firmly in a quickly aching hand, picking a compartment at the back of the train.
He settled in a corner by the window of the compartment and hid behind a book he had brought, afraid someone might come in. After some time, the train seemed to fill up and more and more voices, laughter and shouts came from the corridors through the glass doors of Remus' compartment. He pulled one curtain shut on one side of his realm, hoping it would hide the other side from view and therefore prevent people from coming and sitting here.
More and more minutes passed in the closed emptiness of the compartment. Remus eyes wandered from line to line without reading a word of the text in front of him. His teeth were still clenched and the thing in his throat was still biting at it. He seemed to have taken the coat of silence that had surrounded his parents with him and was now unable to shake it off, although they were no longer there. It was receding and left him feeling numb and strangely raw now, worse than when he had threatened to suffocate under the sensation.
With a series of loud thumps, the train began to move and soon sped towards the outskirts of London. Remus relaxed. Everybody surely had found a place by now, which meant he would stay here alone.
Suddenly, there was a noise closer to Remus and he jumped. A pale, black-haired head appeared and he recognised the boy he had seen on the platform. Without asking whether he was allowed to enter or not, indeed without casting a second glance at the other occupant, the boy dragged in his trunk, heaved it onto the seat opposite Remus and sat down next to him, on the other side of the compartment.
Strangely, although his privacy had been breached and invaded, he was strangely glad to have someone close by he would go to school with. Remus could feel his heart start to beat faster. The boy was rummaging in a leather bag he had brought and took out a book of his own. This was going to be one of his classmates, he needed to make a good impression on their first day.
'Hello, I'm Remus Lupin,' he said in what he hoped was a friendly voice. He was actually copying his mother's calm tones. 'And who are you?'
'Severus Snape,' came a quiet voice from the seat opposite. Now, the boy's dark eyes were resting on Remus who felt uncomfortable once again. He looked away shortly.
'Nervous?' he asked after a short, uncomfortable pause.
'No.'
'Oh. Me, neither. I'm actually looking forward to school,' he said.
'Yes. Me, too.' The boy, Severus, said in the same quiet voice, again looking at him from under a curtain of black hair. The boy kept looking him for a bit and then looked away, to the door, his eyes not returning to the book which was lying open on his lap.
'Are you from a Pure-blood family?' said Remus politely after another pause.
'No.' Said the boy curtly and Remus felt rising alarm at the thought this might have been an impolite question after all.
'Oh. Well, me, neither.' He said and smiled at the boy. The smile caused a small frown in the other boy, who said,
'Your mother or your father?' his dark eyes once more resting on the face of the boy in the opposite seat.
'My mother is a witch, my father is a muggle.' The boy's expression changed slightly. His eyes stopped narrowing and he shot Remus another brief look.
'Mine, as well,' he said and then leant back in his seat, turned and leafed through his book in search for his bookmark. Quickly, Remus dived into his own book again, feeling oddly happy.
They rode on in silence. The landscape outside became more and more jagged and dramatic, unnoticed by the two reading boys who were both buried in worlds of their own behind the covers of their book.
Suddenly, something exploded into the wall behind the other boy and Remus saw him jump. He lowered his own book and frowned. The boy had turned towards the wall and was eyeing it with an impassive expression. Behind the wall, people seemed to be fighting. There were thumps and bangs, something seemed to fall of the luggage rack, and someone burst into rakish laughter.
'You should have seen your face, Potter! That was priceless!'
Severus turned back from the wall, shaking his head and leafed through his book.
'I thought they were killing someone in there,' Remus remarked timidly, looking up only shortly.
'Yes,' the boy said quietly and without raising his eyes from his book. There was a pause. Then, quietly as before, 'Sounded likely, by the amount of noise.' His thin fingers were creeping over the pages in search for his bookmark.
Remus returned to his own pages and sighed happily. The anonymous space of the compartment and the silence had been transmogrified once more into something else. He did not longer feel separated by the silence as he had done in his parent's car, here, it was part of the agreement.
The unspoken agreement which always comes into existence whenever two souls happen to be in one place under extraordinary circumstances decreed that they felt a certain bond between each other, a benevolence towards the other without pretext. The first day at a boarding school certainly is such a special case.
This very bond caused that when the train stopped Remus waited for the other boy and they set out to whatever fate awaited them together.
You seem to have forgotten it, and with you, I never know if you did so willingly or not.
Author's note: Alright, this is my first fanfic ever, so I'd like tons of criticism. I know things like these have been done before, so if they have been done before ad nauseam, I'd like to know before I even get started.
Then, I don't know if this isn't too clichéd as I am not too firm with the conventions of the genre. If it is, this is down by tomorrow and resubmitted as a one-short before you can say "crapfic!". I wouldn't like to take it down entirely, after all, it is my first fanfic. I have to have something to look back to and laugh about.
I know that you guys out there are bound to have read and written more fanfiction than I did, so please let me share your expertise.
- Featherwish