You look as though you are dead today, Severus. Are you playing at that? Do you think that looking like a corpse will drive me away?

Do not think so.

You look pathetic, your thin breast gently heaving up and down with each breath you take, your eyes stubbornly closed. How deep they lie in their sockets… they are almost entirely in shadow, do you know that? Your hair is sticking against your head because the nurses forgot to apply the cleaning spells to it today. It looks like usual, in other words.

Today, Tonks asked my why I keep visiting you and I told her I was trying to forgive you. I hate that you are making me lie to my wife, Severus. I should not, especially not for you, but I could hardly tell her the truth, could I?

Somehow, I am glad that you do not see me, I look older than you, and seeing your eyes would maybe make me angry. I would not want to be angry, not even for you. She is pregnant. Have I told you about that, about the loving family I have at home? Yes, a wife and, soon enough, a lovely child. And you, Severus? What about you? Do not think I do not know that the only person you ever considered yourself in love with has married someone else. You deserve it, Severus.

Someone from a better family. Oh, family was always very important to you, I know.

'Oh, is that so, now, huh? And what about you?'

'Oh, we never had any muggles in the family. You can check it up on our family tree. What about you, uh, Peter?'

'Uh, I don't know, really.'

'You don't…? Oh, dear… Well, then you'll be in one house with him and not with me, I assume.'

The group of boys which filed out of their compartment in front of them was trudging along very slowly and Remus and Severus were forced to slow down accordingly. Two of them were rather large for their age and had they not been talking about which houses they were likely to get in, Remus would have thought that they were second years. He tried to keep his distance from them, but students behind him were pushing him and Severus closer and closer to them.

One of the two tall boy, a dark-haired one with glasses, shoved the other boy against the wall of the train.

'Shut your face, Black!'

'Don't you push me, muggle-lover!'

The boy reacted by shoving him again. Remus exchanged a worried glance with Severus. These three seemed rather unpleasant, and if they reacted like that to "muggle-lover", then Severus and Remus had better not mention their own origin. Remus felt nervous. He wanted to get out of the train and away from them as fast as possible, especially since a large boy behind him was elbowing him forwards all the time.

'Move along at the front, there! What's keeping you! Bloody first years…'

'Shut up!'

'No, you shut up! And move it, Potter! You're holding things up!'

'Oh, really?' The boys suddenly lunged at each other again, and, since they were passing a door, they were unceremoniously shoved out by the boy behind Remus, who only had to stretch out his arm and give them a small push.

All three of them tumbled out and landed on the platform, hard. Both of the fighters turned their heads and glared at Remus, who had gone red and tried quickly to get back into the train, but was shoved out, too, by the large boy behind them.

Before the boys, who had scrambled to their feet hurriedly, could vent their anger on Remus, however, the large youth had stood himself in front of the two and glared down at them.

'Bloody first years! Move yourselves to the boats and stop making such a bleeding' racket!' he growled at them, menacingly.

Glumly, shooting each other loathsome glances, they nodded and turned, trudging along the platform.

Remus had fled to one side of the train, glad no one had thought it had been him, after all. Now, he looked around and saw that Severus was heading vaguely in his direction. Remus was not sure if he should head in the same direction. He was not sure the feeble bond extended outside of the compartment. Here, it was all different.

Severus came to a halt next to Remus and looked up and down the platform.

'Shouldn't we follow a giant somewhere?' he said quietly.

'Yes, my mother said something along those lines,' Remus said, glad for the question. 'We should be able to see him, at least. Hard to overlook a giant.'

Severus merely nodded and looked up and down the station again. Remus felt a small twinge at the failed attempt to be funny. But then, it never worked. He bit his lower lip and craned his neck, briefly standing on tiptoe to see above the heads of the other students.

'I reckon you do not have to stand on tiptoe if he is really a giant,' said Severus.

'S'pose… still. There are so many people around…' Remus' voice trailed off. Truth was, he was beginning to feel panicky. It was so crowded around here already, it must be even worse in the castle. What if something happened? What if coming here had not been such a good idea after all? Brooding, his brown eyes searched the crowd, slightly hunching his shoulders. His eyes stole over to the other boy, whose impassive face was also scanning the crowd now. He must be as nervous as he was, Remus decided. After all, it was also his first day of school.

A large shape suddenly appeared on the other side of the platform and parted the sea of students.

'First years, this way!' a deep voice roared. Remus jumped inevitably. The man was enormous. He had never seen anyone this tall in his life. He could feel a cold shiver run down his spine as he saw how big the hands of the man were. This must be the gamekeeper his mother had told him about. Forcing himself to set one foot in front of the other, he followed the first years who trudged after the huge shape in small, frightened huddles. If he was in charge of the school's security, Remus mused, maybe it would not be dangerous for him to go at all, just like his mother had assured him… The thing in his throat, which had been quiet all the while on the train, stirred again and made his jaws ache. He turned his face and looked at Severus, who was frowning at the back of the gigantic man.

The man led them to the shores of a lake that was lying like a silver mirror under the cloudy, leaden sky. Small boats were bobbing up and down on it and seemed black against the silver surface of the lake. The clouds that were getting thicker in the distance obscured the other side. Remus stomach gave a lurch. It made him nervous he could not see their destiny.

'Get into the boats, everyone! No more than four in a boat' the man roared, and Remus caught a glimpse of his eyes. They were looking cheerful for some reason. He recoiled. The boats were looking very small and were rocking dangerously. The sky overhead was boiling with grey clouds. Remus resented boats. Taking a few very tentative steps on the gravel on the shore of the lake, he watched other huddles of first years get aboard in small groups and suddenly forgot all worry about the water and the giant due to the new and greater worry of not finding someone to share a boat with.

He looked round to Severus, who was still frowning and was looking at the small coracle-like vessels without great enthusiasm.

'Should we get in, you think?'

Severus shrugged and for a moment his eyes were looking into Remus' own ones with a serious expression.

'I think we'll have to.' They were strange eyes, they seemed to be totally black. Remus was sure it must be a trick of the light; his own eyes could appear black sometimes, in the right light. But Severus' were a whole lot darker than his. They were strangely dull in the blunt greyness and seemed to absorb the light eerily.

'Let's go. I don't fancy being left on the shore with him.'

'My mother told me he is not dangerous,' Severus informed him in the same quiet voice, his eyes fixed on the boats again.

'Hm, my mother said so, too, but…' Remus sighed. 'Let's go.'

They were nearly the last ones to get into a boat. Remus sat down opposite Severus and surveyed the shore. There were a few people milling around who had not been as lucky as Remus and had not found anyone to share with.

One of them was one of the boys from the train who had been too busy sulking to pick a boat and was now glaring at the other over crossed arms, then, realising he was nearly the last to leave, he looked around for a boat with a free space and headed into their direction.

Did you forget it? If so, how could you forget it, your first day in this new life, this small birth?

Remus heart began to beat faster as he saw the boy come closer, hoping fervently he would board another boat. He wondered why he had not noticed the curious hair before the other person had, it was fairly long and untidy. His eyes were narrowed and his mouth pressed to a thin, grim line, Remus noted as he stomped nearer and came to a halt in front of the boat next to them, sending small stones flying into all directions before clambering in without paying attention to the disgruntled look of the two girls inside the boat.

A small girl with red pigtails timidly came up to Remus and Severus' boats and asked if she could join them. Remus nodded and remembered to smile at her, but then turned around to get a look of the direction into which they would be heading.

This was uncomfortable, though, since it meant he had to crane his head around as he was facing the other direction. He turned his head this way and that to prevent getting a stiff neck. Remus did not feel like talking, although he knew that he better had. The others did not talk either, however, and once more, silence descended. Was that good or bad? He mused briefly, avoiding the eyes of the boat's other two occupants. The girl, small and thin with red hair, was looking hard at the other side of the lake ahead, so was Severus, both in a world of their own.

How did you make friends? He used to have friends when he was smaller, but that was a long, long time ago.

Remus wished the times in which you just had to walk up to someone, asking them, had never ended. Names, he had to remember the names of the people around him. Severus, he remembered. And the girl? Had she told them? The boys he wanted to avoid were called Potter, Black and Peter, although he could not remember who was who. The boat suddenly began to move and Remus felt a strange tingly sensation. He looked around at the water surrounding them in sudden alarm. What if they sank? The shores they had left were quickly gliding away from them.

The boats seemed to be fairly safe, however. They glided along quietly and without swaying. Remus felt marginally less uncomfortable. He cast a quick, interested look at Severus. The boy was looking ahead with a concentrated expression, scanning the other side of the lake. Suddenly, his black eyes widened and assumed a strange glitter.

Remus turned around clumsily in the boat to face the way they were going like his friends and suddenly, his vision was filled with the most magnificent sight. On the top of a high mountain ahead was the biggest castle he had ever seen. It winked through the thick mist and over the lake with golden, illuminated windows, its high towers seemed to poke at the clouds overhead, some were quite obscured by haze, so high up were they. Remus felt his jaw sinking down on it's own accord and hastily closed his mouth again. A strange, wild feeling was rising inside him and, together with the sensation of floating along on a boat, made his insides soar. They were going to live in this castle for the next seven years. It looked more magnificent than the tales of his mother could have ever painted it. Longingly, Remus looked towards the many windows and longed to be on the other side, bathed in that bright light. The tension inside him gave way to a sudden euphoric excitement that made a smile spread on his face.

'Is that it?' the girl asked.

'Yes.' Severus whispered, not taking his eyes off the castle. They were flitting this way and that over the towers, strangely dark in his pale face. Remus could guess that the strange feeling filling his own insides must be filling those of the other two, too. The girl was smiling absently as well, a fierce glow in her eyes.

Remus turned back to the castle and could not help staring at it until they vanished in a cave and everything was swallowed in blackness and glittering candlelight.

He exchanged a glance with the boy next to him and they both knew the other was as nervous as they were themselves. He smiled a quick smile at the boy that earned him a small nod.

'Nearly there, I hope…' Severus said in his quiet voice and his eyes were glittering up from under his hair in the candlelight. The silence had grown too heavy, even the quiet boy was compelled to speak. The din that wafted over from the other boats showed that the other children were feeling the same way.

'We should be,' Remus said. 'Which house d'you reckon you'll be in?' Remus asked. He meant the question to be directed to all occupants of the boat, but the girl was clearly lost in thought and did not even look at him. He realised it must look to her that he and the other boy knew each other already and were, well, a closed group. Maybe. He would think that, so maybe she did too. Severus' eyes lingered briefly on his face and then flitted to the water again.

'I don't know. My mother was in Slytherin, though, so I hope I'll be in there. What about yours?'

'Ravenclaw,' Remus said. 'I guess I'll be in that one. Well, to be honest, I don't really care about the house as long as the people in it are nice,' he added. 'I don't fancy being stuck in a house with a bunch of idiots for the whole of my time here.'

Severus nodded, his lip curling in a very small smile.

'Me, neither.' And he cast a look towards the boat with the still sulking boy with the long hair. A gust of unexpected chill made Remus pull his new robes around him more closely, snuggling into the new, crisp and slightly itchy cotton material of the robes.

'I wonder how that hat works,' Remus said, eager to keep the conversation alive as Severus' eyes had drifted off to other boats and over the cave again and the girl was still in a world of her own. Severus' dark eyes kept flitting this way and that on the cave wall as he answered.

'I don't know. There must be something of each of the founders in it, that's for sure. Maybe like a portrait or something. Just… in hat form.' His eyes came to rest on Remus' in a rather sharp, earnest look.

How could you forget what was, that tentative beginning, or is it because it is the beginning of something which was over before it began?

Remus made to say something, but the boats had stopped. His heart began pounding in his chest again. They were about to enter the school and be sorted under the eyes of all the students. The infinite numbers of possibilities to make a fool of himself! Growing nervous, he tried to exchange another look with Severus but he was looking earnestly at the giant who was leading the way with a lantern now.

They climbed out of the boats carefully and after having been carried here for so long it felt odd to be left on his own feet again. Unsteadily, he followed the other students, staying close to Severus. The girl, in turn, stuck to them, although she still did not speak. She looked rather pale.

They were told to wait in an antechamber and subsequently greeted by Professor McGonagall, who had been brought along by the Headmaster as he had visited his parents to talk about the possibilities and problems of sending him to Hogwarts. She scanned the crowd until she saw him and nodded. Then, she told them about the house system and told them to wait. The red-haired girl had vanished from their side and joined a couple of other girls close by, Remus noted. He looked round to Severus, who was standing a short bit away from with his hands in the pockets of his robes.

He watched Remus approach with a very grave expression. Remus smiled at him, and, after a short pause, the other boy said,

'I wish they'd get on with it.' His voice was tense.

'Me, too. Although I … I don't know. I don't like the idea of being sorted in front of the whole school.'

Severus did not react in response to this, his eyes were pinned to the door behind which their teacher had vanished.

'Hey, wouldn't it be great if we ended up in the same house?' Remus heard himself ask. He was shocked. He had thought that, but that was no reason to go and blurt it out!

Severus' dark eyes were slightly rounder in surprise, then, an odd expression entered his face, his eyes narrowed again, but this time, they were glinting slightly and his lip curled again.

'Yes, that… would be good.' He said. The sentence hung in the air. Remus did not know what to say next, so he just smiled and, to cover his embarrassment and the tension that was filling him, he looked at the door again.

After a while it opened and the Deputy Headmistress emerged and led them into the hall. Remus made sure he stayed close to Severus, suddenly fearing to be separated from him by the other students filing into the hall. He was so preoccupied in sticking to the back of the other boy in front of him that he was the last student to notice the splendour of the Great Hall. He allowed himself a short look around, then quickly made sure he was close to Severus again.

Professor McGonagall was standing next to a small stool already on that the sorting hat sat. Remus could not see it properly because a girl was standing in the way, but he was not all too keen on seeing it, either. He did not want to be here. The sea of students in front of them all had their eyes on them and leered at them from the safety of their accustomed places at their house tables. Remus felt exposed, odd. He edged towards the other boy and found that Severus had been moving into his direction as well. It did not take long until they were huddled together, defiantly peering out at the other students.

Remus strained his ears as Professor McGonagall kept calling out names. What if he missed the point when she called his name? What if she had to call him over and over again until he had to run up to her under the booming laughter of the entire school? He bit his lips, feeling pale and exposed. A side-glance showed him that Severus' expression was oddly vacant, his skin even paler than before. They were standing side-by-side now, and so close that Remus could feel the warmth of the other boy through his robes. It was oddly reassuring.

'Lupin, Remus!'

'Good luck', came a sudden, pressed whisper from Severus as he turned towards the stool and the hat with wide eyes, and he thought he could see the earnest eyes of his friend on his before the brim of the hat obscured them. He felt terrified as it started talking to him, enquiring after his mother cheerfully and finally reaching the decision that Gryffindor would be best for him.

Remus got up from the stool and saw to his utter dismay that the loud boy with the unkempt long hair was sitting at the Gryffindor table, looking murderous. He forced himself to walk towards it with a sagging feeling and sit down on the other side, politely answering his fellow Gryffindors as they welcomed him into their ranks and then immediately craning his neck to see where his friend was.

After an eternity, and to his greater dismay, they were first joined by "Pettigrew, Peter" and then, even worse, by "Potter, James". The three boys sat at the table with crossed arms and glared, looking at each other with unconcealed contempt, much to the amusement of their fellow Gryffindors.

Heart pounding, Remus waited. It could not be long now, could it? Why did his friend's name have to begin with such a stupid letter…but there.

'Snape, Severus.' He held his breath and crossed his fingers, feeling tingly with tension as he watched his friend put the hat on his head.

'Slytherin!' it was like being plunged into the waters of the lake belatedly. His face fell and a knot tied his throat shut so tightly that he felt as though he was suffocating. Lead filled his stomach, spreading like ink in water. Hanging his head, he saw his friend cross the hall, heading to the Slytherin table. He then turned and looked at his fellow Gryffindors. They were still glaring at each other. Remus sighed.

Yes, the sorting. Was it that important? We all thought it was… but was it? Maybe we should have tried to take that first cut less seriously. There was such a lot of time our houses spent together in class, and such a lot of time when we worked together, in the beginning.

But that was then. It was before.