Hidden under a Smile
Disclaimer: a.) Not mine
b.) Mainly about Fai, his past and Kurogane
c.) written post 121, before 122 was released.
d.) No native english speaker
e.) Enjoy!
I. Of eyes, magic and a conclusion
"A price once paid can not be given back."
Those were the words sealing more than one fate. Or so they all had thought. Declaring them unimportant would equal sacrilege, would name all efforts, struggles, name their journey void of meaning.
Oh, they'd all been had.
Sakura had been glowing with happiness, while Syaoran had been unable to believe his luck. A lot of tears had been shed, tears of happiness and all had been alright.
Only Fei Wang Reed, watching from afar had thrown his wineglass down in anger.
He'd known that that magician's capabilities were somewhere off-chart and per-se quite extraordinary. He'd also known that the man was quick-minded, calculating and ruthless behind the fool's mask. He'd even watched the King's entombment.
But somehow he'd failed to put the parts together before it had been too late.
His dream had been destroyed. A life's work, shattered into pieces by a random player.
In the end, they'd all underestimated him, or so Yuuko concluded with a frown. It all was as unexpected as unsettling, yet she had a notion, that, perhaps, it wasn't all that bad.
Perhaps Hitsuzen had been tricked.
But not necessarily for the worse.
Kurogane hadn't known, not until it was too late. He'd seen the sadness in Tomoyo's eyes, but failed to reach the conclusion in time.
Denial had been too easy with the carefree smile on Fai's face. In the end those smiles had been heart-wrenching, dazzling and real.
And Kurogane was left crying under a red sunset.
Perhaps he should have known. After all there had been more than enough clues on their journey from the first moment on. That fateful day in the rain – so long ago, yet so present in his thoughts. He could remember the despair in Syaoran's eyes, but failed to note how both, the witch and the wizard had looked at the boy.
He hadn't wanted to become involved, back then. But he couldn't keep from growing attached after they failed to return Nihon and this crazy little group was all he had left. And, reluctantly, he had been drawn into the kid's quest, too.
The princess' brightening smiles, the brats growing strength – watching them change, watching them struggle forward strung chords deep inside him. He found himself fighting their battles, protecting them from dangers…
He might have kept telling himself that this was only because they were his return ticket, but couldn't even remember exactly, when that voice had fallen silent.
Their magicican had been another affair. From that first moment in the rain, Kurogane had been curious. What was the man running from, why was he refusing to use his magic?
Time had revealed little, the name Ashura and no uncertain hints of some devastating events, but no explanation was given and Kurogane grew annoyed. It wasn't even the teasing – he grew accustomed to that early on, it was more the mage's entire demeanour. The way he just drifted along, aimless and passively, like a marionette with its strings cut had Kurogane seething with barely suppressed rage.
The razor-sharp intelligence, battlefield routine and a seldom seen lack of morals provided ample contrast, enough to have the ninja prod and prowl, fishing for an answer the magician refused to give.
Still, he was a member of their little dysfunctional family and as thus, Kurogane saved his life more than once. Fai never seemed capable of saving his own life – though saving others' didn't trouble him in the slightest.
And then they'd landed in Tokyo.
Loss of an eye equals powers cut into half.
That seemed to be some sort of a cross-dimensional metaphysical law concerning magicians and their capacities. At least, those had been the clone's words and Kurogane had heard them reiterated in different fashions from several people, a Tomoyo-doppelganger amid them, but also by Yuuko and Seishiro.
He'd been somewhat curious concerning Seishiro – the guy had lost one eye and seemingly retained all his powers. Fai had – already in Outo Country – come up with an explanation. One, however, that all those non-magically-gifted (meaning Syaoran and himself, which had made the entire explanation somewhat useless) had failed to comprehend. Their wizard had said Seishiro's powers were connected to his wish, which, as it had turned out, had been connected to a guy called Subaru and some rather confusing vampire business.
Kurogane, at that point of time, had point-blank ignored all of those half-baked explanations, which included far too much of hitsuzen and wizardry for his taste. And he'd been sufficiently distracted by the battle of the Syaorans.
In all honesty Kurogane had too admit that he'd been confused and scared out of his mind. For the first time in his life he'd held a sword and hadn't known whom to fight against.
Well, and then he'd seen the symbol on the newcomer's shirt.
He clearly remembered the emblem on the sleeve holding the sword which had killed his mother. Like all those years ago he'd been paralysed, felt panic welling up in his chest. And beneath it, hidden in the abyss of his heart, familiar madness.
That had been the first time he'd felt it again.
And he hadn't dared to move, sensing a darkness he'd believed banished forever arise once more. So he'd sat, clutching Fai's motionless body to himself like an oversized rag-doll. Closeness, at that moment hadn't been for protection, it's been for his own sake. For something to hold onto, something stable amid all the madness.
His sanity latched onto this last, fragile thread. The sensation of a light weight draped across his lap was all that bound him to reality, the soft falling and rising of Fai's chest the only affirmation that, yes, this was real, this was actually happening, not some hallucination.
But those breaths had been so shallow. Full of hitches and chokes, with tears of blood rolling down ghostly-pale cheeks. The body beneath his hand barely felt solid, far too frail and thin – but it gave Kurogane something to hold onto. Something to focus on, something to go by.
To protect.
In the aftermath he'd reached an astonishing conclusion about himself in that moment. His world wasn't defined by good and evil, by enemies and associates, but by protection. From the moment he'd lost his parents to serving the princess – he'd always had a reason for wielding his blade, he'd never decided by morals.
And in the depth of this devastated world Kurogane found he had to protect the wizard, because else all would be lost. The princess spirited away, two strange Syaoran's facing off against each other.
One bearing Fai's missing eye, the other the emblem of a cross-dimensional murderer – Kurogane dimly wondered, where they'd go from here and if it was even possible to go on, but those were not his decisions. He had to protect the magician's life, probably also the princess' and the kid's. Though, none of both doppelgangers even remotely incited a spark of protective spirit within the ninja.
He would have joined the fray for slicing both into pieces – but a shaking hand on his arm stopped him.
"Syaoran's …. a clone.", Fai had whispered, one eye glazed by pain gazing up at him. And even then, a soft, shadowed smile played on the blood-splattered face.
Kurogane hadn't believed him then, hadn't believed it until the entire explanation had been brought to light sometime later.
"The new one's … the real one."
Kurogane had frowned, felt rage rearing its ugly head. The one bearing the emblem of his mother's murderer – real? Had perhaps… He tried to banish those unsettling thoughts, tried to force them out of his head. But the smell of blood in the air was heavy, thick and clouding his senses.
His hand tightened, fingers clenching as memories assaulted him anew, trying to server the thin thread tying him to reality. Madness was by now smirking smugly, as if to say: it's only a matter of time.
The wild instinct to run amok, to simply cut and slice at everything moving and breathing gained strength, gained presence, attempted to offer a comfortable way out of the insanity. A defence against this unstable environment.
Again, cold, smooth skin touching his cheek softly had him flinch in surprise. Red eyes opened wide, starred at their solem deep-blue counterpart. This was costing Fai dearly, already now his entire arm was shaking and the skin white, glistening with sweat.
Still, the wizard somehow knew what Kurogane needed.
And gave it, gave it and made Kurogane's heart clench painfully. Gave it, even though he didn't possess the strength this act required, even though he shouldn't have known…
"It wasn't him. … Back then…"
Another heart-wrenching, dazzling smile.
"Syaoran-kun didn't kill your mother."
Kurogane failed to wonder how Fai could have known.
And right then, Kurogane only to happily accepted Fai's words. The wizard had offered him something to cling onto and Kurogane had taken the outstretched hand. Because, in spite of all his physical strength, Kurogane was no natural leader. If he had nothing to protect, no indicator to go by, he was lost, paralysed by his inability to decide. He'd never known how to separate good from evil; had honestly not dared to approached the matter, fearing for his own mental stability.
Fai on the other hand for all his passivity knew how to judge, quick and precise. And between them they'd managed even this disaster. Stayed on the sidelines, together with those other guys (one of them had been munching a strange, white-yellowish substance), watched until one Syaoran triumphed over another. Somewhere Kurogane had been glad to see the blue-eyed one crumpled to the ground at last. Perhaps the wizard had had a hand in it, as Syaoran couldn't get his newly acquired magical eye to work properly. Sparks had been flying, runes dancing, but no harm done.
Though, even with the knowledge, Kurogane didn't feel like cheering for the newcomer.
And the body in Kurogane's arms was shivering by the time the boys were finished. A last swirl of magic and the clone's body disappeared entirely. Not that Kurogane felt sorry; the detachment, those dismatched eyes had been scary.
Even though the remaining one hadn't looked any saner.
"So the clone failed."
Strong fingers drummed on dark wood, displeasure visible on those features. Still, Fei Wand wasn't exactly angry. More annoyed, because after all, hitsuzen couldn't be avoided and his plans had yet to be thwarted.
"Well, let them collect those feathers. Let them travel the world and find them all and then we'll see how much good it does for their little princess."
Kurogane had steeled himself when this one started marching into his direction. The emblem on his chest seemed to mock him and Syaoran wouldn't meet his eyes. This still wasn't the kid he had tutored and protected. Perhaps not as ruthless as his counterpart, yet too dangerous.
And for one reason or another, real Syaoran was headed straight for Fai.
Kurogane had barely time to register his intent, before something slammed into his side, catapulting him out of the way. Shock soared through his body and when his feet found ground again, he whirled around. Beheld a scene that had his heart fail for a split second.
Syaoran in front of Fai, hand outstretched….
Images overlapped each other within his head, thoughts of failure rushed in, despair and madness surged upwards. A red haze at the edge's of this vision…
But no harm was done, instead a glowing ball floated lazily into the air, hovered between the wizard and the kid, before …
Here Kurogane did a doubletake.
… being soaked up by the kid's left eye.
Another smile, then the wizard collapsed forward and the kid staggered. Disorientation was plain on his face when he looked up – but to Kurogane's astonishment this was not some stranger within Syaoran's body. This was the Syaoran he'd met at the witch's place, the same kid he'd accompanied on this mad journey.
Syaoran, who stared in pure horror at Fai's unmoving body.
"Fai-san!"
Later Kurogane had learned that Syaoran remembered nothing beyond an underwater fight against Kamui. He'd passed out, due to blood loss and came to somewhere completely else.
Sakura had come out of the organic globe hovering in the middle of the tank, completely unharmed and – calming Kurogane's frayed nerves immensely – breathing. She, like Syaoran, had no idea what had transpired.
And since Kurogane despised talking, Fai had taken care of the explanations – barely conscious, telling the kids that yes, there'd been a battle, where a stranger had been trying to control Syaoran. That'd been the reason for those blackouts and strange sights the boy had had previously. But now all had been settled, there was no reason to worry.
Not a word concerning bloodshed, clones or eye-eating.
"Would you have told them?" ,Fai asked Kurogane after the kids had gone to sleep; sitting upright and looking very pale and fragile on the huge bed with bandages wrapped tightly around his torso and head.
But those two blue eyes had regained their former sparkle.
"The moment the clone was destroyed, he dissolved.", Yuuko said gravely, gazing upon images displaying on the water's smooth surface, "The clone was nothing more than a container and what he contained at that moment had to go somewhere. Real Syaoran received the heart and the memories, Fai his magic and eye… but I wonder where Clow's magic went. After all, without one of Clow's more powerful items Fei Wang couldn't have brought "Syaoran" alive."
Kurogane didn't like lying. Still, he couldn't bring himself to tell Syaoran or Sakura the truth. Seeing both struggle onward, determined, their souls free of the darkness he himself and the magician carried with them – it was something worth protecting.
Fai had made this decision first.
Though it had perhaps doubled the strain on the wizard's façade.
And the mask started falling apart.
Hope you had fun reading it. -
Next chapter is called: "Nothing to go back to"