Hidden under a Smile
Disclaimer: a.) Not mine
b.) Mainly about Fai, his past and Kurogane
c.) written post 121, before 122 was released.
d.) No native english speaker
e.) Enjoy! -
III. Why won't you kill me?
"Another batch of assassins.", Souma reported, kneeling before her princess.
Tomoyo looked onto those bloodstains with saddened eyes, sighed. "I wish this senseless slaughter would stop."
Even though she felt bad for speaking those words, Souma answered: "I fear we are far away from peace. The only reason nobody declared war on us yet is because rumours concerning an uber-powerful magical item are flying."
"Ah, yes. It is what each of them wishes to possess, isn't it? It's the reason for all the assassins and the bloodshed… I hope its proprietor will come by soon."
King Ashura had been a sight to behold. Tall, graceful and bearing the same unnatural beauty as Fai. He seemed to glide over the ground, without losing an ounce of power or strength. Surroundings paled in comparison; this man drew all eyes to himself.
Princess Tomoyo could do this, too, Kurogane knew from experience. Yet, never before, he had encountered such a powerful aura. Filled with confidence, calmness, gliding forward without any respect for gravity. Strange jewellery glittered on his forehead, but those cold eyes gave nothing away. Not an emotion betrayed.
Gazing at Fai however, the poker-smile was firmly back in place. Expert players finally face-to-face. Neither willing to give anything away, both knowing what was to come.
And Kurogane saw that he was out of his depth.
"Ashura-Ou."
"Fai."
The world exploded.
Through a haze of thick smoke, Kurogane could barely make out two figures floating overhead, rubble, trees and rocks soaring through the air between them. Thunder rolled dangerously and the air smelled of burned flesh and blood.
No building left standing and the opponents hadn't yet even managed to scratch each other. He heard their voices, tempers heightened, yelling at each other. Filled with betrayal, emotions to strong to contain any longer, all burst out.
"Why did you betray me? This could have saved us!"
"At what price?" ,there was desolation in Fai's voice. Bitter, bitter desolation. "Saving our lives by killing others?"
"Nobody would have noticed! It was the perfect world! Full of war and monsters – they wouldn't even have noticed a difference!"
"They would have!"
"Of no consequence! Few there possess such spiritual power like that woman – we could have done away with them like we did with her! You saw how that child reacted! Went downright mad – and nobody would ever believe a tale about cross-dimensional energy transfers!"
Kurogane couldn't believe his ears. Couldn't, wouldn't, didn't want to… draw the conclusion.
"Nobody? You saw their princess, Ashura-ou, and you knew as well as I did, that she'd have believed everything!"
"And you know that her life-energy alone could have sustained Celes for a decade!"
Blood sung in his ears. Madness waved a flag from its new home in the centre of his brain.
"It wouldn't have been right!"
"Yes! Not right! And abandoning your kingdom, condemning them to die is right? I don't understand you, Fai. I thought I did, before, I honestly thought I did. You always had been so nice and caring, couldn't abide death or harming a soul. And – what happened – all of a sudden, you can kill an entire world without blinking? What happened, Fai, what did happen to you? Why did you abandon me? Why? I only want an explanation, I know it's too late now. We can't go back and change the future, but … please, I want to understand. Because I always, I always did l—"
Hands clasped over his ears, Fai dropped to his knees and screamed.
Kurogane came to, hours later, waking to the worried faces of Syaoran and Sakura. The magician was nowhere to be seen, neither was any other living being besides the five of them. They'd found Kurogane buried beneath some rubble, as everything around them had been levelled in one fateful blast. As far as the eye could see, nothing remained standing, nor was there anybody left alive.
Yes, they'd found Ashura's body, too. Dead – and lacking any defensive marks to show for it.
And Fai?
Their magician was alive, somewhat worse for wear and had spent most of the day sleeping. When he'd first woken up he'd been mumbling something about a king and given Sakura obviously quite the scare because that was the only reason why she'd be at Kurogane's bedside instead of the magicians.
Who had…
… his mother, dead, a dimensional gap, a foreign sword and the smell of magic. A kingdom collecting life energy, in Nihon, because nobody would notice. Because who'd believe this mad tale of a little boy with those frightening red eyes? Because they were more powerful, held the knowledge and had nothing to loose. They'd wanted to kill the princess, too, after they'd already killed his mother…
How long had he known?
Had Fai known who he was from that first moment on?
Had he known and not said a thing?
Madness waved cheerily as Kurogane's blood boiled up. Without another word he stood up and stomped upstairs. Blew the door out of its hinges.
He'd found the magician.
Heart pounding loudly, blood rushing into his head and slowly, slowly a red haze descended.
He forcefully stepped towards the magician, drawing himself to his full height. Fai – sensing something was off, backed away, until he hit the wall.
"Kuro…?", he asked warily. Even the smile had almost vanished, blue eyes regarding him warily.
He said nothing but grabbed the wizard's thin shoulder hard enough to hear the bones grinding. Rage filled his mind to the brim, controlled his motion. Before his eyes he saw them all die over and over again, his father, his mother and all the others.
Because…
Something snapped and he tossed Fai away, sending him violently tumbling onto the wooden floor. A moment he watched how the thin, shivering figure started drawing himself up again, met wide blue eyes – and felt absolutely nothing.
This betrayal had invoked emotions beyond hate.
Swiftly, he knelt down and pushed Fai onto his back. For the first time, there was a hint of fear in those eyes, though by now he was no longer concerned by the magician's reaction. Another practiced move had him kneeling on Fai's hands, pinning the wizard helplessly to the floor.
And when his hand wrapped themselves around the thin neck, Fai closed his eyes in silent resignation.
No magic was employed, no struggle took place – this neither unexpected, nor undeserved. There was even a slight smile on lips, which slowly turned blue.
Not a fake one, Kurogane realized. A real, warm, understanding smile. The one that had once taken his breath away as he'd seen it for the first time and weakened his determination to hate the magician. Because this smile was proof that beneath all those lies and masks there existed something worth saving.
There was still a real person.
And the red haze dissolved.
Kurogane couldn't move at first, when he realized just what he had been doing. It hit him like a ton of bricks, obstructing his chest, striking where it hurt most. He couldn't breath, heart skipping more than one beat before he carefully removed his fingers from the magician's neck.
There were bruises, dark purple and blue; large bruises left by deft, forceful fingers. Numbed by shock the ninja sat back, quietly removing himself from the wizard, but unable to tear his gaze away. Mesmerized by the frail, still form on the floor – it seemed so surreal, the way those blond locks spilled across wooden floorboards, the way Fai didn't appear to be moving.
Sucking a deep, shuddering breath himself Kurogane tried desperately to gather his senses, to banish the raging madness into the depth of his mind. Scared of himself and what he might do, he retreated until his back hit the door.
How, why, what? His mind was in uproar, crumbling, tumbling, collapsing into fearsome confusion. He couldn't remember feeling like this ever before, couldn't remember feeling like a monster though he'd been called that already a long time ago.
Perhaps they had been right…
And now, somebody else had paid the price. He'd attacked Fai on the notion that he somehow had been involved within his parents' death; hadn't even given the wizard a chance to explain himself. All he'd had were Ashura's words, and looking back now, Fai had been protesting all along.
Instead for the guilty parties his rage had settled onto the next best target.
And Fai had silently accepted it all, not even tried to defend himself. Only that short moment of incomprehension within those blue eyes, before fatigue and sadness darkened them, shutting out all other emotions.
Steeling himself, Kurogane stepped forward, reminding himself to face the consequences. If he had killed the magician – the notion send shudders up and down his spine, had his vision blurring and heart racing – he would have to commit suicide.
Though, perhaps that still was too honourable a way to go.
And he owed an explanation to both, Sakura and Syaoran, no matter how much he wished to avoid it. But after what had happened…
Coughing interrupted his thoughts.
Faster than lightening Kurogane was down at Fai's side, carefully gathering him into his arms. The magician gasped, body shivering, but colour did return to the paper-white skin, even though his lips were still blue.
Wild hope had Kurogane hang onto every shudder, silently praying for the wizard's health and this time the gods had mercy on him. Nobody died at his hand tonight, instead the breathing evened out and Fai's eyes fluttered open.
Made Kurogane hold his breath, when fathomless blue settled onto him, sparkling with unshed tears and a heart-wrenching smile formed on Fai's face.
"Why?", he breezed, voice hoarse and barely louder than the rustling leaves outside, "Why didn't you…?"
Yuuko, gazing at her watery mirror, breathed a sigh of relief. It had been close tonight, too close – she'd come to doubt what should have been unshakable. But nothing had occurred, the game was still on and running its preordained course.
There were a lot of explanations required and this time Fai gave them, speaking softly and slowly while Kurogane sat at his bedside. The ninja was still shaken and would continue to be for several days. He was trying to make up as best as possible, had even offered to put off any explanations until the wizard had rested.
But Fai, with his trademark smile, had denied the offer and started talking.
Ashura was neither mad nor evil, he said, drawing a disbelieving stare from Kurogane, he was a good King that cared more for his country than for his personal welfare. He'd been prepared to sacrifice everything he possessed, even his life if it could have saved their land.
Celes had always been cold, very cold, but manageable. Summers were short but provided enough for the long, frozen season – though someday, summer stopped coming. The sun had risen, yet the ice never thawed. It was as if warmth had been banished from their world – as neighbouring kingdoms faced the same problem.
Celes, possessing unrivalled magical capacities, managed to survive longer than many others, but providing for their citizens grew more difficult. Even the most powerful magic couldn't manage to warm enough land to grow sufficient amounts of nourishment.
And neighbouring countries had started attacking, viciously, killing everyone in sight. They'd nothing to lose and everything to gain, because they knew of the magic and that a very few might survive for it.
There'd been kidnappings left and right, Celes lost many mages and Ashura grew overly worried for Fai's safety. All of a sudden he found himself the most protected item in the entire kingdom, unable to leave the palace without a small army to accompany him. Still, in spite of the danger, he spend a lot of time outside, trying to heat fields and grow corn by magic, while Ashura stayed in the palace, reading hundred books in search of a solution.
Their problem had been magically induced, this was soon obvious. But who and how it had been done, nobody knew. Even Fai, the most powerful magician in Celes, couldn't detect the spell and soon was far too busy with trying to keep the citizens of Celes alive to concern himself with it.
And then, finally, they'd been offered a solution.
Fai hadn't trusted this Fei Wang person from the beginning on, had sensed something off when he first had glimpsed the wizened face through a watery mirror in Ashura's throne room. Inter-dimensional communication hadn't occurred in centuries, but Ashura had been too grateful to ponder on this.
There was something Fei Wang had wanted in exchange, something, that Celes had in abundance. The man had some sort of a project running and for that he needed spells creating artificial life. And Fei Wang had hung onto every word Fai has spoken with growing unease. He couldn't see any danger within those spells – Chii had been their utmost achievement – but the glow in Fei Wang's eyes hadn't been reassuring.
Kurogane raised an eyebrow, as Fai descended into thoughtful silence. There was something left unsaid, but right now he wouldn't pressure the wizard, even though the bitter smile made him wonder what the man was thinking about.
And due to his help, Syaoran's clone had come to be, Fai added, thoroughly malicious.
That alone left Kurogane to reconsider hitsuzen, to contemplate if they had any chance of escaping what had been laid out for them somewhere. He didn't like the thought of being somebody's puppet, but as Fai, Yuuko and Tomoyo agreed, there was no escaping hitsuzen.
He came to detest that word.
Well, continued the wizard, afterwards Fei Wang had explained them how a human's life energy could be used to heat huge fields for a long time, without requiring exhausting magic. Fai had been glad in the beginning, because all the spell casting had started wearing him out. More than once he'd simply fainted outside and the lack of proper food wasn't helping his health any.
Then they'd learned that to gather this life energy they had to kill.
Fei Wang had offered them the perfect solution, a cross dimensional gate reaching to some remote world, filled with monsters and magic, a land in constant uproar, where the death of a few people wouldn't be noticed.
After all, life energy was powerful, so they didn't need too much for stabilizing and granting the survival of Celes.
This country, Fai said with a self-depreciating smile, had been called Nihon.
Kurogane could only press his lips together and close his eyes, while grief mixed with rage filled his soul. It hurt, beyond everything else. This knowledge left him confused and bitter, with no other choice than to marvel at the cruelties of fate.
Suddenly, he understood Fai a tad bit better. The bitterness behind that mask, the wish to die – Kurogane didn't know what he would have done in the wizard's place.
Save your country by killing strangers from another dimension.
King Ashura had indeed been a good king, willing to bloody his own hands for the continued survival of his people. Kurogane himself wondered, if he wouldn't have made the same decision. He'd never cared for the lives of strangers, even if he'd disapproved of senseless killing.
Killing to protect, killing to save, however had been his life's work.
And another with the same philosophy had killed his mother.
This was all wrong, all too twisted and cruel, it made Kurogane question himself too deeply, it made him wonder about all those lives he'd taken in order to protect. And when he eventually dared to meet Fai's eyes he found them lacking every spark they ever possessed. A dry, humourless grin on his lips, he said:
"I am responsible for the death of an entire world, Kuro-pon."
And Kurogane wanted to cry.
The pain in those blue eyes was almost too much to bear, but coupled with the silent acceptance and the lack of tears, Kurogane's vision blurred. Because Fai wouldn't cry for himself.
What kind of strength had it needed, Kurogane wondered, watching Fai stared blankly ahead, how did you make a decision like that.
Princess Tomoyo, he came to realize, might have done the same. Because, for murdering innocents there was no justification, not in any dimension.
Still, Tomoyo wouldn't abandon her people to die. She'd have found another solution, wouldn't she?
She would have, Kurogane told himself but found no security in those words. Ashura and Fai had tried, too, and failed. And those two were more powerful than Tomoyo, those two knew more about magic then his hime did.
Shaken, Kurogane all of a sudden wrapped his arms around Fai, felt the slight frame stiffen at once but paid it no mind. His mind was whirling with the implications, with the idea of sheer hope- and helplessness. Had he known previously, he'd never looked down on the wizard, he'd never ever have blamed him for not living his life to the fullest.
How could he have, when he couldn't even comprehend where Fai had found the strength to go on after all that had happened. How the wizard could smile in spite of his burden.
"Why?", the soft voice whispered once more, tickling against Kurogane's ear, "Why won't you kill me, now, that you know what I've done?"
Thank you for reading ( and reviewing). Hope you enjoyed it. -
Next chapter is called: "The Last Feather"