The fellowship began to make their trudge up the mountain where, all of a sudden, it was winter. Hmmm…

Pippin was thoroughly enjoying himself as he climbed through the snow and slipped and fell about. The first time he fell, he rolled and tumbled backwards a few feet before coming to a complete stop. Everyone had rushed over to him to see if he was alright, but he merely stood up, giggling. Whenever he fell after that, nobody bothered to pay any attention to the matter.

At one point, Frodo fell and tumbled backwards. Unlike Pippin, he had not enjoyed it. Aragorn helped him up and as he did so, Frodo noticed that the ring was not around his neck. A few feet ahead of where Aragorn and Frodo stood, Boromir picked up the ring, which had fallen in the snow. He stared at it for a full ten minutes, drooling, before Aragorn finally spoke up.

"Boromir!" he growled sharply. "Give the ring to Frodo."

Boromir looked up and realized that the rest of the fellowship was staring at him. He began to walk up to Frodo with the ring muttering, "Oh, yes…the ring, Frodo…yeah, I knew that."

He looked at Aragorn who looked pissed and remembered the story of how he had dragged Arwen and Glorfindel off a cliff and threw them into a river. He handed the ring to Frodo regretfully, thinking it might be worth getting his ass kicked to refuse to give the ring back.

"I was only looking at it," Boromir said defensively. He turned away, hoisting his round shield of gigantitude across his back, and continued walking up the mountain.

The fellowship were doing their best to walk through the pass when they reached it, but struggled; it was like being in a freakish snow storm. The hobbits had to be carried due to their short heights or they would have been completely covered with snow. Aragorn carried Frodo and Sam while Boromir carried Merry and Pippin. Legolas, being an elf, was able to walk on top of the snow without sinking into it. This greatly annoyed the others as Legolas pranced up and down the pass of Caradhras. At one point, while he was running passed Gandalf, Gandalf flung out his staff at Legolas's ankles so that Legolas tripped and fell. Everyone else laughed at this. As for Gandalf, Aragorn, and Boromir, the snow was up to their stomachs. For Gimli, it was up to his chest.

As Legolas stood up, rubbing his bottom from where he fell, he went up ahead of the fellowship and listened closely.

"There is a fell voice on the air," he said mysteriously.

"Is it Pinnochio?" Gimli asked.

Then, everyone else could hear the voice too. Here is what the voice said in a booming, deep voice:

"I love you! You love me! We're a happy family!"

Meanwhile, Sauruman could be seen atop his tower, singing in a blasting voice, outstretching his arms.

"It's Saurumaaaaan!" Gandalf yelled to the others. At that moment, a large chunk of the cliff above them fell, covering them all deep with snow. Gandalf hurried out of the snow and back on his feet. He waded over to the edge of the pass and yelled just as loud, "I hate you! You hate me! We will never be a family-" to be cut off by Sauruman yelling even louder, "WITH A GREAT BIG HUG, AND A KISS FROM ME TO YOU! WON'T YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME TOO!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! MAKE IT STOP, GANDALF!" Frodo cried, covering his ears like everyone else except for Aragorn and Boromir, who couldn't because they were holding a pair of hobbits each.

"SHUT UP, SAURUMAN, GODDAMMIT!" Gandalf yelled really, really, REALLY loud. In fact, a nearby yodeler recorded Gandalf's yell with a tape recorder (where he got the tape recorder, I don't know as they didn't have them in Middle Earth's time, but he had one) and took it to the Guiness Book of World Records where it was recorded as the loudest yell ever.

Sauruman stopped singing for a moment, impressed with Gandalf's yell against his will, and continued to sing in a booming voice, allowing his stormy avalanche thingy-ma-bobber to continue.

The fellowship all faced each other and each new that they would not be able to get through the pass alive. They all began to suggest things. Pippin suggested trying to take the pass anyway ("The falling snow and rocks will only make it more fun!" he exclaimed). The others all obviously disagreed to this. Boromir suggested the Gap of Rohan but Aragorn argued that it was a) too close to Isengard and B) that Uruks liked to buy their clothes there. Gimli pointed out that they could go through the Mines of Moria. Gandalf did not like either choices, but decided not to tell any of the others what he knew. As he was the leader of the fellowship, everyone was waiting for an answer from him on what path to take. Then, to lift the weight off his shoulders and put it on someone else's he said, looking at Frodo, "Let the ring bearer decide."

Frodo looked utterly alarmed at being told to make a decision like this.

"Well, Frodo?" Gandalf said softly but nastily.

"Um…we'll go through the mines…?" Frodo said.

"So be it," Gandalf sneered. When Gandalf turned his back on Frodo and the others to lead them in the direction of Moria, Frodo made sure to stick his tongue out at him.

After a day of walking, the fellowship arrived outside the gate into the underground dwelling of the dwarfs. Aragorn, Sam, Bill, and Bill were at the back of the line and Aragorn put a hand on Sam's shoulder to stop him walking.

"Sam," he said gently, "we're going to have to let Bill go."

"And you're telling me this because…?" Sam questioned.

"Not Bill the butterfly, but Bill the pony," Aragorn corrected.

"No!" Sam whimpered. "I love Bill!"

Bill stepped back nervously at this and said, "No…you love Frodo, not me, Frodo. I'm a straight horse, Sam; always have been."

"The mines are no place for a pony," Aragorn continued, "even one so brave as Bill."

Aragorn took off all of Bill's gear, allowed Sam to say goodbye to him, then gave him a starting nudge to get him to walk away. As he did so, he muttered, "I have to go, but the BUTTERFLY gets to stay? This is ridiculous. I'm a pony for god sakes!"

Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin were throwing stones in the water nearby stupidly, laughing like dumbasses and going, "DERRR!" The others were all sitting around while Gandalf tried to contemplate the meaning of the runes on the gates.

"'Speak friend…and enter,'" he read aloud.

"Duh ha ha, what do you spose that means?" Merry asked.

"It's really quite simple; if you want a friend, you speak the password and the doors will open," Gandalf said cheerily. The others knew he was so happy because this might be a chance for him to finally get a friend.

Gandalf tried a few different phrases in Elvish, but none of them worked. He tried one that meant "I understand that by entering, I must make out with Gimli's cousin," but it didn't work (much to Gimli's delight).

Meanwhile, Aragorn noticed Merry and Pippin throwing rocks in the water and he grabbed both of them by a wrist.

"Do not disturb the water," he said quietly. Then, a weird look stole upon his face. "Apple…" he said softly, the way a toddler does when trying to say a word for the first time.

"Wait, Aragorn, what-?" Merry began, but Aragorn pulled an apple out of nowhere and eyed it lovingly.

"Apple…"

"Aragorn, NO!" Merry said sharply, lunging at Aragorn's apple. Aragorn was raising the apple to his mouth, but Merry managed to knock it out of his hand with a swift blow. Aragorn made to chase after the apple but Merry grabbed him and slapped him upside the head.

Aragorn blinked and shook his head. He looked as if he did not know where he was as his wide eyes darted everywhere. He noticed the rest of the fellowship all staring at him. Then he hung his head and sighed.

"I'm sorry, everyone," he said quietly. "I didn't mean to try and eat one. The apples are starting to have an effect on me." He looked at Merry. "Thank you for slapping me upside the head like that, Merry. I really appreciate it."

"I can do it again if you want," Merry said obligingly and rose his hand but Aragorn grabbed his wrist and said, "Only do it again if I try to eat an apple."

There was silence around them for a moment, then Frodo, jealous of the attention Aragorn was receiving, whined, "Oohhh, this ring is SO heavy……ugghhh……………"

"Shut up, Frodo!" was said in unison by all members of the fellowship other than Sam, who had begun to stroke Frodo's back in a sympathetic sort of way.

"Anyway, I need to figure out a way to get in," Gandalf said wearily, gesturing hopelessly at the gate. "If any of you have any suggestions, they'd be greatly appreciated……"

"You're sposed to be the smart one here," Boromir said. There were murmurs of assent to this around the fellowship. Gandalf scowled at them all and looked back at the doors that were, according to him, "sealed in".

"'Speak friend and enter'…" Gandalf muttered.

"Hang on!" said Frodo, jumping up from where he sat. "What's the Elvish word for 'friend'?"

"Mellon," Gandalf answered with a raised eyebrow. "It wouldn't be that; it would be too easy-"

The doors were opening.

"Shut up, Frodo," Gandalf snapped.

The fellowship began to file into the first dark area of Moria; Frodo was last because he had taken a moment to do the chicken dance in honor of him getting the right password.

"Of all of us to figure it out, it was Frodo," Bill muttered to Aragorn, who nodded bitterly.

Once they were all in the first room of Moria (Legolas had tripped Gimli in the dark to shut him up about the hospitality of the dwarves), Gandalf muttered, "Lumos," and the end of his staff lit up so they could all see.

"EEEEEEPP!" shrieked Sam and he hopped into Frodo's arms. Frodo caught him, but then overbalanced and fell over.

There were skeletons everywhere, with arrows between their bones, or sticking in their bones. Legolas crouched down by one skeleton as Gimli wailed in the background, and pulled one of the arrows out of a bone.

"Goblins!" he exclaimed and put the arrow in his quiver before standing upright.

"This is no mine…it's a tomb," Boromir said uneasily.

"No, really!" Gandalf said sarcastically.

"We should never have come here," Boromir continued. "We make for the Gap of Rohan. Get out, get out!"

But before anyone could move, Frodo felt something cold, slimy, and wet wrap around his ankle.

"Uh-guys-?"

WHOOSH!

Frodo was whisked away from the others. They all turned around and ran after him back outside. He was being held up in the air by a long tentacle that was protruding from the water. Then, a head emerged. It was a weird creature with many long teeth and, judging by the way it held Frodo over its open mouth, the others assumed it wanted to eat him.

"I am the Watcher in the Water! RAAAAH!" it said.

"Help me, help me, help me, dammit!" Frodo yelled hysterically.

Aragorn and Boromir rushed over and slashed the tentacles with their swords.

"OOOOWWW!" the Watcher in the Water screamed. "You mother fuckers, that HURT!"

It dropped Frodo, who was caught by Boromir, who felt a cuddle moment coming on (he was really rather beginning to fancy Frodo).

Aragorn chased after them as everyone ran back into the shelter of Moria, away from the beast in the water that made a few feeble attempts to snatch at them.

Once they all had sprinted inside a ways, the entrance to Moria collapsed.

Gandalf said, "Lumos," again, lighting his staff and took a step forward. "We have only one choice now. We must go through the mines." And Gandalf started to lead them.

Aragorn glowered at Merry and Pippin. "I TOLD you not to disturb the water!"