Two days later, the fellowship could be found sitting around a clear area of rocks. Why? Because Gandalf had no idea of which way to go next.
They had been traveling through Moria the past two days, not having run into any enemies so far, with Gandalf directing them the whole way, but now, he was completely lost and the rest of the fellowship was completely pissed. Many of them decided to get high on some weed in order to make their troubles disappear for a while. Frodo, not one of those individuals, gazed around, bored, while the others got stoned and Gandalf tried to think.
As he looked around him, Frodo noticed something climbing up the steep stone steps (and that is what we call an alliteration, my friends!). Taking a few steps forward, Frodo surveyed the creature and found it was not one he recognized. It was almost completely hairless and its gray body bore many scars. Its eyes and head were both quite round and it walked around rather like a primate; Frodo could tell if it stood upright, it would be about half of his own height. This made him feel rather smug, as you can imagine.
Frodo scurried over to where Gandalf sat and said, "There's something down there!"
Without turning his head to look, Gandalf answered, "It's Gollum."
"Gollum? What the-do you mean…THE Gollum!"
"No, the other Gollum!" Gandalf said sarcastically. "He's been following us for days."
"Isn't stalking kinda…….against the law……..?" Frodo asked.
"Well, of course it is, but so is trying to dominate the world and Sauron's doing it! No offense, Frodo, but I can't say I know anyone other than you these days who HASN'T broken the law. Take a look at the others, for instance."
Gandalf nodded at the rest of the fellowship who were all off in the land of the magic dragon by now.
"But…what exactly does Gollum want?"
"Well gee, I don't know, could it be, let's say, THE RING! Or, perhaps, Aragorn's apples? Gollum probably wants the same thing everyone else wants and is trying to kill us for these days!"
Frodo looked over his shoulder and saw Gollum peering at them between two rocks. He growled softly at Frodo. This made Frodo feel slightly nervous. Unconsciously, Frodo's fingers went up to the area around his neck where they fiddled in the way Frodo's fingers did when he was feeling intimidated like this. Suddenly, a ginormous jet of purple light shot from somewhere under Frodo's chin and hit the rock to Gollum's left. The rock exploded completely and Gollum, frightened, hurried away.
"FRODO!" Aragorn roared.
"I didn't do it!" Frodo yelled even though he really had no clue as to what he did or did not do. Aragorn strode over to him and got all up in his face. Frodo, being at least half of Aragorn's height, cowered.
"YOU PRESSED THE KNOT ON YOUR BOW TIE; ARE YOU STUPID!"
"What….?"
Aragorn took a deep breath to control his anger.
"When you press the knot on your bow tie, it shoots a blasting purple beam of light that'll kill just about anything it hits. That's why it's so important to make sure your bow tie is straight at all times: if it's not, it'll shoot a bunch of mini beams if it's touched a certain way and you won't be able to control them. You see, your bow tie can only shoot one good beam, like the one you just shot, once every seven days. It takes seven days to recharge. I wanted you to have the bow tie in case of an emergency. Now if there's an emergency in the next week, you won't be able to use it."
"Oohhhh!" Frodo exclaimed. "I get it!"
"Yeah, nice screw up on you, fool of a Baggins," Aragorn growled.
"Whoops."
"I know the way!" Gandalf suddenly yelled. Everyone turned to face Gandalf. He stood up and was beaming at everybody. "I know which way to go now."
"How do you know?" Gimli asked.
"When in doubt, always follow your nose."
"Isn't that what the Froot Loops toucan says?" Legolas questioned.
"I-well-uh…maybe-no! I made it up! Now let's go!"
The fellowship followed Gandalf and they began to walk a path to their left. Sam, Merry, and Pippin skipped arm-in-arm with each other singing Skip to My Lou. Frodo, now slightly proud of the power he had in his bow tie, kept checking every once and a while to make sure it was completely straight. Aragorn seemed to be having some kind of internal battle within himself as he walked. His hands kept sliding sneakily under his cloak, but he would snatch them away forcibly as if resisting great temptation. Frodo was the one closest to Aragorn and had he not been so obsessed with his bow tie, he might have been able to notice Aragorn's behavior and warned the others and they could have all prepared themselves to keep such a watchful eye on him that if he did try to get an apple, they could stop him from eating it. But no, Frodo was stupid and didn't pay any attention to anything but his bow tie. And that, boys and girls, is why only fools like Frodo. Okay, well maybe that's not completely why, but I've got to get back to the story and stop rambling.
Eventually, they arrived in a very large, regal hall full of beauty. Gandalf even allowed his staff's light to shine brighter than it already was so they could see better. The whole fellowship stopped to gaze around, awed. Gimli, of course, had to ruin the moment. He yelled and ran to a chamber on the right side of the hall.
"Gimli?" Gandalf called after him. "Where are you going, fool?"
The fellowship followed Gimli into what looked like a tomb. A large, stone coffin rested in the middle of the room and there were runes written upon it. Gandalf read the runes aloud to the rest of the fellowship:
"Here lies Balin, son of Fundin, lord of Moria, and a big assload of French fries, for that was his favorite food."
Gimli kneeled on the ground and put his head on the coffin, weeping.
"He is dead then," Gandalf said.
"Ya think?" Boromir said sarcastically.
Gandalf ignored him and picked up a large, dusty book. He handed his pointy hat and his staff to Pippin so that he could hold the book better. He read it aloud, muttering stuff about, "We cannot get out," and, "Drums", and finished with looking up sadly at the others and said, "They are coming."
Right on cue, the second time someone in the fellowship had to ruin a dramatic moment in the last five minutes, there was a loud crashing sound as Pippin prodded a skull that was attached to a whole lot of chains and some other stuff and already sitting precariously on the edge of something like a well, and the stuff went crashing down it. Pippin faced the others as the items could be heard clanking loudly whilst they fell very far. He winced with each crash as the members of the fellowship watched him in horror. Once everything had finished falling, Gandalf strode angrily up to Pippin and seized his staff and hat as if worried about Pippin getting them dirty.
Gandalf snapped, "Fool of a Took-"
"Hey, that's my line!" Aragorn barked.
"-throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!"
"You stole my line from me! I said it to Frodo first!"
But then everyone froze where they were; they could hear loud booms off in a distance that sounded like running.
"Oh, crap," Bill muttered.
Aragorn and Boromir rushed to the doors to bar them shut and Gandalf ordered for the hobbits to get behind him. They all pulled out their little swords and Gandalf held up a sword in one hand and his staff in the other. Gandalf stood on top of the coffin and held his axe at the ready. Legolas nocked an arrow on his bow and aimed towards the door. Just as Boromir was closing his door, an arrow flew through the air and hit the door, narrowly missing his face. He pulled his head back in the tomb and he and Aragorn used some old weapons they found to bar the doors. They both stepped back by Legolas and got their bows ready to shoot as well.
"They have a cave troll," Boromir said in an annoyed voice. Orcs on the other side of the doors began to hack at the doors, which everyone knew would not stay shut very long. The archers shot arrows through the holes the orcs made and killed a few of the orcs trying to get in, but eventually, the doors toppled over as many orcs came charging in to attack.
Aragorn and Boromir put away their bows and began to use their swords. Gimli jumped from the coffin with a yell and wielded his axe ferociously. Gandalf ran forward with his staff and sword and the hobbits followed him.
After a few minutes of battling the orcs, the cave troll that Boromir had mentioned came stomping in. It roared loudly and began to attack with the chains it dragged from its wrists. It lashed one at Legolas, but Legolas dodged it. It whipped it at him again, but Legolas moved so that the chain was wrapped around a pillar. Legolas then hopped onto the chain and onto the troll. He shot it with an arrow and then jumped back off of the troll so as to avoid getting hit by one of its thrashing limbs.
The troll then turned to Frodo, Merry, and Pippin, who were all together. It made to attack at them but Merry and Pippin both jumped to their left, behind one pillar, and Frodo jumped to his right, behind a different pillar (there's lots of pillars around here in case you haven't noticed). Frodo pressed himself against the wall of the pillar and slid around to another side of it. He could hear the troll's breathing as it looked around the pillar to find him. Then it decided to switch sides so Frodo slid the other way. He peered around the corner and, as he did not see the troll there, he relaxed. Well, what do you know! The troll appeared on the OTHER side. Gee, I wonder if that ever occurred to Frodo…
Frodo, being the smart person that he was, fell over and began to crawl backwards, away from the troll. Then, Aragorn leaped in front of him with a spear to save Frodo's ass and stabbed the troll in the stomach. The troll roared in pain, but then swiped a hand at Aragorn and he flew into the wall, which knocked him unconscious. Well, that sucks. The troll then pulled the spear out of its stomach and advanced on Frodo.
Being the caring person that he was, Frodo ran over to the unconscious Aragorn and tried to wake him up so that Aragorn could once again save Frodo's ass. When Aragorn did not wake up, however, Frodo looked over his shoulder and saw the troll aiming his spear at him. He ducked and the spear point hit the area of wall right above Aragorn's head.
The troll did not miss the second time, though. It lunged at Frodo and the blow caught him in the stomach.
"Oaw!" Frodo gasped as the wind was knocked out of him. "Shnikies! That…hurts…."
Frodo fell face forward (sweet! Yet ANOTHER brilliant alliteration, made by me. Please bow down) on the ground.
The fact that Frodo appeared to be dead seemed to, for unknown reasons, infuriate the other seven members of the fellowship who were still fighting. Bill was fluttering above Aragorn's face, hoping he would awaken soon, Frodo was probably dead, and Aragorn was unconscious so they were the ones that were not fighting. At that point, all of the orcs were killed, but the troll remained. Pippin managed to climb on top of the troll and stabbed it in the head. Legolas took advantage of the moment that the troll brought its head up to roar in agony and shot it in the throat. The troll, dumbfounded, grabbed at its throat with his tongue sticking out and fell on the ground, very obviously dead.
Everyone rushed over to Frodo. Aragorn, now awake, crawled over to him. He flipped him over and, to everyone's surprise, Frodo was breathing. He sat up and pulled the spear out of his stomach. He looked around at everyone as if confused.
"What?" he asked.
"That spear would have skewered a wild boar, and yet, you're alive…how is this?" Aragorn demanded. Frodo unbuttoned his shirt (this made Boromir feel a squirm of excitement) and revealed the Mythril vest that Bilbo had given to him.
"Dude, you so cheated," Legolas said, shaking his head.
"Seriously, Frodo, where's OUR Mythril, ay?" Merry asked sharply.
"Er…" Frodo said.
"Guys, no time!" Gandalf said anxiously. "We've got to get out of here!"
Gandalf ran out of the tomb and the others followed him, giving Frodo dirty looks.
"Teacher's pet," Merry growled before he too followed. Frodo went last, turning his attention back to his bow tie.
The fellowship all stopped in the middle of the hall for a moment. Gandalf was apparently thinking about the best route to go. Before they could do anything else, however, loads of goblins came climbing down from pillars and the fellowship found themselves quickly surrounded by an army of them. Frodo and Aragorn were the only ones who did not draw weapons. Frodo, who was once more closest to Aragorn, was fiddling with his bow tie and Aragorn was reaching under his cloak. This time, he did not draw his hand back. Had anyone looked into his eyes, they would have seen a fiery gleam there that did not belong. He pulled out an apple.
Frodo was, again, too busy worrying about his bow tie to notice.
Aragorn took a bite of the apple.
The others all looked around at the sound of the crunching noise and their hearts filled with despair. They already had an army of goblins surrounding them. What else would come?
There was a distant, grumbling roar and all of the goblins scattered away, frightened. Aragorn took a second bite of the apple and, as he was chewing on it, Legolas knocked the rest of it out of his hand. Aragorn swallowed the second bite of apple and Legolas patted him hard on his cheek. Aragorn blinked, then realized who he was and what had happened; he hung his head and groaned.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
There was another roar, closer this time, and the fellowship could now see extremely bright light flood the doorway to the next hall.
"What is this new devilry?" Boromir asked quietly. Gandalf was gazing toward the doorway sadly, wearily.
"This foe is beyond any of you," he said. "RUN!"
As a louder roar sounded, the fellowship ran in the opposite direction as quickly as they could.
Drums started booming somewhere in the background.
"I wonder if I might lose some weight with this running," Sam said aloud.
"You will if you run faster!" Boromir called.
While Sam ran faster to burn calories, the rest of the fellowship ran faster to save their lives.