Hey all! This is the ninth chapter of Blinding Darkness, a story which I am proud to say I love writing! I wrote this chapter late at night and really early morning...basically, two hours before and after midnight or so. In that time frame.I think I stopped at 2 am or so, when it was done...anyways, this is it, the talk between Trowa and Duo...well, Trowa doesn't really talk much, but anyways. Hope you enjoy it! READ AND PLEASE DO REVIEW! And enjoy lots!
"You ever wonder why the stars exist, Trowa?" Duo asked. Quatre had enforced the rules much harder now, trying not to let Duo know, of course, but the Deathscythe pilot figured it out quickly. He had been silent and in a depressed mood ever since three nights ago, and hadn't spoken once since. That was entirely frightening and caused deep worry in all of them, since Duo never stopped talking. He liked to talk and they, much as some of them might hate to admit, liked hearing Duo talk. He had also been purposely avoiding Wufei, and always hiding his eyes as though in shame when forced to be in the same room. This was the first time Duo had spoken.
Trowa had finally suggested that they go for a walk in the expansive garden of Quatre's. It served two purposes, this idea. One, to relax Duo, and two, to stop Quatre from killing himself by sheer exhaustion. Trowa had had to step in and help Wufei order Quatre to bed. Even Heero had pitched in, though he wasn't entirely helpful, seeing as how he shot a hole in the wall and yelled at Quatre to 'Get some sleep or omae o korosu!'. They were all stressing out in this situation.
There had been no major episodes since the last time, but Trowa highly suspected Duo falling head first down the stairs and then claiming he had tripped was one. The fact that Duo was unconscious for a half minute helped his theory. It hadn't done any real harm to the braided boy, but it had severely bruised and battered him. Quatre had a LOT of stairs.
"To provide additional light at night," Trowa replied simply, glad his plan had succeeded.
"Sure, if you think scientific," Duo replied, in a very soft voice. "But why do they exist, besides that? They're awfully pretty and shiny and twinkly to just be for light."
Trowa thought over this question for a moment, pondering his response. "I...I think they were put there for people. Each one is a person, and they respond in tune to our lives. If we have a very good and happy day, they shine brightly. If we're very angry, they glow a faint red. If we're feeling down, their light fades. If we die...if we die the way we were destined to, they never disappear. If we die before our time...they vanish."
He fell silent, knowing Duo was thinking it over. "That makes sense...," he finally said. "Trowa...where's my star?"
Trowa smiled and told Duo to follow him, setting off through the trees and off the backyard path. He led Duo to a small pond, hidden and remote, then laid down near the water's edge. Duo laid down beside him, befuddled as to the purpose and intent.
"This is my haven," Trowa said after a moment's silence. "I come here when I truly need to be alone and think. You are the only other who knows about this. Now, it is your haven as well."
Duo was silent. Trowa knew that Duo considered this a great act of trust and friendship. The two of them had never been the closest, but they were still very loyal and caring friends.
"Thanks," Duo finally whispered. "This means a lot."
"Your welcome," Trowa said, then got back to the main purpose for bringing Duo here. No matter what kind of weather, excepting rain, this spot always had the clearest and most beautiful view of the stars. "Our stars are very unique, since we're very special. For example. Right there," Trowa directed Duo's attention by navigating the other stars to the one he was pointing at. "Is Wufei's star. If you look carefully, you can see it's shaded red. Very little red, but I've seen it flare as bright as fire some nights. It's always shaded with red, so I know it's Wufei's star. Over there," his finger moved and Duo followed it again. "Is Heero's star. Heero's star is always the exact same size. Always. It never changes size like other stars, always unmovable, unchangeable. But it's brightness is always different. When we first got together, it was shining as brightly as a spotlight. That's how I knew Heero truly loved me. But when he almost died from that bullet wound a year ago, his star was almost gone. Quatre's star," the finger moved once more, and they located the star easily. "Is the largest, brightest one of the bunch. I know it's his, since Quatre has the biggest heart of all. It always shines brightly, as though death awaits if it fails to do so. It always shines bright enough for everyone to see, in an attempt to try and cheer those who's stars have faded."
"And your star?"
"My star?" Trowa blinked. His eyes sought the skies for his star. He had found it once, but it wasn't the one he often looked at. He pointed. "There. That star is mine."
Duo looked at it and his face scrunche din a very confused look. "How so?"
Trowa sighed. "It is always changing. The brightness and size and color vary so quickly it could become hypnotizing to watch it. My star represents the real me. Ever changing, ever unsure of what to be, ever unsure of how to act."
"But you always seem the most solid and sensible of us all," Duo commented.
"True, and I am, to a degree," Trowa replied. "But it's my emotions that are ever changing. Why do you think I keep up such a stoic mask? It is because if I was to let it down, my emotions would overcome me, confuse people, and cause trouble for everyone, most of all Quatre." They faded into silence as they stared at the pulsating and wavering star in the inky night sky.
"And my star?" Duo said tentatively, obviously scared of what he'd see.
Trowa's emerald eyes scanned the skies quickly. It was a full minute before he pointed it out with a whisper. "See there. It's hard to pick out at first. Normally, your star is one of the brightest out there, and shaded with a brilliant violet, an unnatural star color, to be sure. But lately, it's been fading. The violet turned to black, and the black is slowly overcoming the light of the star. It will dissapear into the ink of night very soon if things continue as they are."
Duo sighed. He was gloomily silent for a moment, then burst out in speech, sitting up abruptly. "I don't know what's happening to me, Trowa!"
"My offer still stands," Trowa simply replied.
Duo licked his lips nervously, then began to speak. "You know my black outs?" Trowa nodded. Duo needn't have asked. "Well, I've had them before. Plenty of times. Mostly just small moments where I'd black out for a split second. Half the times bullets hit me in battle was one of those times."
"The other half were bullets intended for us," Trowa said seriously, and Duo reluctantly nodded.
"They were never that bad, so I didn't mention them. But then," Duo paused. "The nightmares began to get worse. I'd get them every night, sometimes twice, and being in the Preventors wasn't helping. Then...I started cutting myself. I didn't want to die, not really, but I just...I had to feel their pain. I wanted to feel the pain of those I killed, to spill my blood for them, instead of spilling theirs. I wanted to be one of them, instead of the killer I am. They get to die quickly while I have to go on and on and on. I wanted to feel their pain, but I didn't want to die! Then I started smoking. It distracts me and eases my nerves."
"No wonder you've been so tense lately," Trowa said. "Why did you join the Preventors if it added to your pain?"
I...wanted to keep an eye on him," Duo said vaguely. "I wanted to watch his back."
"Heero?" Trowa arched an eyebrow.
"No...though he's a great partner and I'm glad to be able to watch his back and vica versa. He's my best friend, believe it or not," Duo added. "I...I joined up for Wufei. But Une assigned me with Heero instead. And I stayed because I could still watch over Wufei better with a job in the Preventors. I couldn't leave Heero alone without a partner, besides."
"You love Wufei?" Trowa asked. Duo fidgeted with his fingers and nodded, swallowing. "Why don't you tell him? If what Quatre has been grumbling about is any clue, you love him as well." Again Duo nodded.
"I can't tell them," Duo said. "God, I love them so much! But I can't love them..."
"Why not?" Trowa asked.
"I...just can't," Duo replied. Trowa knew he didn't want to continue on this direct line of questioning. "You can't tell them, Trowa. You tell them and I'll kill you without regret!" Trowa was surprised by the harsh yet desperate tone in Duo's voice.
"You could have just asked me to promise," Trowa murmured, laying back down and looking up at the stars again. Before Duo could repeat him, he answered. 'And yes, I promise that I will not tell them. That is your job. I went through it already."
"I always wondered how the hell the two most silent guys actually got together," Duo commented. "I knew you guys liked each other and all, but we all just figured it would never happen since you're both so quiet." He joined Trowa on the ground. Trowa began to pick out stars and see who they were most related to of those people he knew. He had picked out a very nice one for Catherine and a rather subtle one for Zechs that kept vanishing and reappearing in a different size and brightness when Duo interrupted the silence once more.
"Did you know," he said. "That I see you die?" Trowa's ears were instantly alert for the next words. He had had this insane curiousity about what Duo's nightmares were about, and why they were so much stronger than the normal war ones they all got. "I've seen you all die so many times," Duo whispered. "And I've killed you so many times. And you've all wanted to kill me. And you all hated me and they hated me and they cursed me." Duo had to swallow. Trowa knew he was reseeing all these memories as he spoke of them, and he was seriously abashed at his curiousity. "I'm Death. I kill, but I can never seem to be killed. I've tried a few times, but it never works. And there's always so many of them...so many dead." Duo broke off into a short sob and then silence, disturbed only by his heavy breathing as he fought for control of his emotions. "I've just killed so many..."
"We've all killed, Duo," Trowa said. "You aren't any worse than the rest of us. But that's why we're all together. It's because we're all the same. We've all done the 'kill, or be killed' scenario, and we've won it as of yet. They were the lives we partly chose, and were partly destined to be in. I am personally glad to have been a soldier," Trowa paused. "How else would I have met Heero and the three best friends a man could ever want, each more than capable of watching his back and protecting him and helping him in hard times."
"Killing...," Duo repeated, then took a deep breath and blew it all out. He suddenly stood up, Trowa following. "Thanks, Trowa. You're really great to talk to. Thanks you for watching my back."
"I will always watch your back," Trowa replied. "We'll all always be here for you, and you for us." Duo embraced Trowa in a warm hug, which Trowa returned with heart, then they began to silently walk back to the house.
"I have one request," Trowa said just before they reached the large mansion of one Quatre R. Winner. "Please talk. Quatre is stressing himself too much, Heero is agitated, and Wufei is incredibly low. He thinks you are under the impression that he hates you, which he most adamantly does not. If you don't talk to him soon, he might do something drastic. He'll 'pop his top', as you so lovingly say."
"I'll...I'll talk to him," Duo sighed, then forced a small smile. "After all, we don't want another me to happen."
That's the ninth chapter. I hope ths stars were explained well enough and matched the boys. I tried my best! Hope you enjoyed it. Now you just have to wait until I get another night of inspiration and write another chapter in the late hours of night and early hours of morning! Review, too, please!