It's time to give the people what they want. Ehe, that's right, people, I bringeth you…
MWPP Making the Marauder's Map
Sirius: So, are we going to do it? We're actually going to attempt making this?
Remus: The plausibility of it actually getting done, and the odds of probability that it will work are very much against us, but it appears as if I can answer your question in the affirmative, Sirius.
Peter: Wha…?
James: He says yes Peter… Or he says NO…
Remus: To put it simply for you, it's a stupid idea and it will never work, but yes, we're apparently going to try it.
Sirius: Okay good. (He pulls out some new parchment) So, where do we start…?
Peter: We have to write our message to whoever feels like reading the map, like so… (Peter scribbles something, and they all look at it)
Remus: PETER! That's disgusting! It's vile, it's vulgar, it's…
James: It's incredibly funny. Let's keep it!
Remus: If we keep that, they won't be able to show it in the movie with a rating under that of NC-17, which would screw up our story even more than it already will be by the filmmakers…
Sirius: Remus, are you on about Muggle stuff again?
Remus: Yes as-a-matter-of-freaking-fact I AM! Don't any of you want to get PAID in the future?
Peter: Oh come on, we'll be dead by the time the books are out and the movies are made…
James: Yes, everyone but me. I shall live FOREVA! MUAHAHA!
(Please, everyone, let's bow our heads in a moment of ironic foreshadowing respect.)
(You are bowing your head right? Shame on you…)
(Seriously, though, really…)
(I'm not going to write any more if you don't.)
(I mean it…)
(…)
Sirius: Sure you are James… Moving on now… How many secret passages do we know?
Peter: Precisely 87,541. Not counting that one in the girl's bathroom. Then it'd be 87,542.
James: Er, where exactly does that one in the girl's bathroom lead to anyways?
Remus: Ergh, who cares? There's an annoying ghost there anyway and she won't shut up about how ugly and fat she is. And she IS.
Peter: Now Remus, who's being impolite?
Remus: Well it's true, and I don't care if she hates me or not for it. She's so damn LOUD…
Sirius: Do you not mind my asking WHY you know so much about a ghost in a girl's lavatory?
Remus: Um, Frances Burkes told me. She did.
James: You said you saw the ghost…
Remus: Oh shut up. Peter was the one who found out there was even a passage in there, if he'd care to explain how that little discovery came about…
Peter: No comment.
Sirius: MOVING ALONG… How on earth are we going to track people?
Remus: Well, if we felt like doing it the hard way we could put a blanket spell over the whole castle for monitoring everything inside of it, though I'm sure security won't permit… We could use a temporary tracking spell on anything within a certain vicinity of the map, and then make the map only effective within the castle…
James: Can you ever talk without rambling?
Remus: No, no I cannot.
Peter: Well, wait a second guys. What happens if this map falls into the wrong hands? Or the right ones, for that matter? Won't we get into trouble?
Sirius: Has THAT ever stopped us before?
Peter: Point taken, and dually noted.
James: So let me get this straight. With this map, we can track people? Yes?
Remus: Yes, James, if we figure out a spell for it.
James: Like… ANYONE, right?
Sirius: James, what are you on about…?
Peter: Uh, oh… I do NOT like the sound of this.
James: Anyone, like, any specific person?
Remus: JAMES I REFUSE TO LET YOU STALK LILY WITH THIS MAP!
James: Oh, Remus, just jealous because I thought of it first?
Remus: Jealous, no. Outraged, YES! That's wrong! It's a violation of privacy. A GIRL, James! What ever happened to chivalry?
Sirius: Chivalry? Isn't that like, a vegetable?
Peter: No, Sirius, I think it's a dance.
James: Well Remus, I don't care about your dancing vegetables, Lily and I are in LOVE.
Remus: Oh, I've had enough of this…
(Remus gets up to leave.)
Peter: Don't go! You have to cast the sp… I mean, WE DON'T NEED YOU!
Sirius: That's RIGHT!
Remus: Fine, then I'm going.
Peter: DON'T LEAVE, WE NEED YOU!
Remus: I knew it…
James: So if I can see Lily, can I…
Remus: No.
James: Damn it…
Sirius: Man, Remus, I bet if you were a teacher, you'd take this map away from yourself…
James: Or my son.
Peter: The one that won't ever exist…
Remus: No, no, I just don't think it should be used in THAT way. But by all means, act irresponsibly…
James: Well then… we need a password for this thing.
Sirius: Yes, we can't let just ANYONE see…
Peter: Or act irresponsibly on our behalf.
Remus: How about, "I solemnly swear that I shall confine the use of this map to only acceptable means of mischief, though I am up to no good."
Sirius: Shorten it. I won't be able to remember that.
James: How about this?
(James crosses out most of Remus' sentence.)
It now reads: "I solemnly swear that I shall confine the use of this map to only acceptable means of mischief, though I am up to no good."
Sirius: I solemnly swear I am up to no good. Nice touch.
Remus: Smart.
Peter: I love it.
James: Perfect.
Hope you liked it! I am now off to watch the verdict of the Scott Peterson trial… This is TORTURE…