Okay, I know everybody liked the notes, but this time I'm going to try something different. I'm just experimenting a bit. This time they're actually TALKING to each other. What a weird idea, you may think. Talking? Yeah right… Anyway here it goes! (By the way, I'm doing a bit of a different format here, rather than a screenplay-like identification of each speaker, it's written more like a book)
MWPP and the Computer! (horror movie music plays)
The Marauders have just nicked a surprisingly modern computer out of a Muggle home in a town near Hogsmeade. After finding a plug somewhere (go figure) they're trying to figure out exactly what to do with it once you've plugged it in…
In the almost complete darkness of midnight in the Gryffindor common room, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and James Potter crouched around a chair in which Remus Lupin sat in front of a conspicuously technologically advanced device called a "PC." Sirius had snuck into a Muggle home in a village near Hogsmeade on one weekend trip and stolen it. Even after several threats and violent repercussion from Remus, curiosity overwhelmed them all, even our dear Moony, who consented to let them try it out before returning it quickly to the Muggle home from whence it came. Presently, they were trying to figure out how to turn it on.
"This little switch is glowing," commented James, who was sitting on the floor near the box that appeared to be the main component of the device. "Should I press it?"
"No!" hissed Remus, fully expecting him to do it anyway. James didn't disappoint. There was a slight whir, and the monitor in front of Remus started glowing as well.
"Nice job," said Remus. "You know, that could have been dangerous. What if the box suddenly exploded when you did that?"
"Then it would have been very cool," said Sirius slowly with a comically earnest voice.
"You would have been very dead," retorted Remus.
"What's Windows 2000?" asked Peter, who was pointing at the screen, completely missing the suspicious fact that it was only 1983. The other boys turned to look at the screen. A tacky colored flag stood out against a white background, while a blue bar underneath the words and the flag progressed across the bottom of the screen.
"No idea man," James said, tapping the glass. "But I'm pretty sure this thing isn't a window."
"You're getting fingerprints all over the glass," Remus scolded, pushing James away and wiping the screen with his sleeve. They proceeded to stare at the screen, which flickered and went black. Sirius let out a melodramatically exasperated sigh.
"Look what you've done now James," Sirius said, imitating Remus' voice with almost painful accuracy. "You've broken it."
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" wailed James, pretending to sob into his hands. "I'll never do it again!"
"That's right you won't," said Sirius mightily. "Because I ban you from school forevermore!"
"Both of you shut up," said the real Remus, scowling. Peter sniggered behind his hand. At that moment the screen flashed, and up popped a picture of…
"Puppies!" they all exclaimed in girly voices. They proceeded to giggle effeminately, then when they couldn't keep it up any longer, broke out into deeper, genuine laughs that faded into chuckles, then slightly discomfited coughs. As they watched, a tiny arrow appeared on the screen along with several pictures, each with its own tiny label.
"Interesting," said Peter pointing to a small "E" in the corner, then quickly withdrawing his hand after Remus shot him an intimidating look.
"What does it do?" Sirius wondered aloud.
"What does 'E' even stand for?" asked James.
"Who knows…" muttered Remus. He cracked his knuckles and looked down at the tiny board filled with letters that looked somewhat like a typewriter laying in front of him, and the small mouse-like object with two buttons and a wire attaching it to the PC, trying to figure out their purposes. He shook the mouse thing in one hand.
"Hey the arrow moved!" said Peter excitedly. "Do that again." Remus placed the mouse on the table and moved it slowly around. The arrow on the screen followed his movements.
"This is starting to make sense," he said. "The arrow obviously does something important."
"Obviously," echoed Sirius.
"I know," concurred James.
"Poke the 'E' with the arrow," suggested Peter. "Maybe it'll do something." Remus tried. Nothing happened.
"Well what about the buttons?" said Sirius. "Click one of the buttons." Remus hit the button on the mouse. Yet again, nothing happened.
"Damn this thing!" Remus hit the button several times in quick succession. Something finally happened. A white square popped onto the screen. They gasped.
"Google," read James, looking at the box. "Isn't that a number?"
"Sort of," said Remus, staring at the page. "What now?"
"Type something," said Peter. "Type on the letter thingy. Maybe it will do something."
Remus typed their names on the keyboard and watched in amazement as the words appeared in the box on the screen.
"Oh look, it has a 'search' button," said Sirius. "Maybe it thinks it can tell us where we are." He scoffed loudly. "I bet it isn't anywhere near as good as the Marauder's Map." Sirius took the liberty of clicking the search button himself. Nothing happened, for unbeknownst to our lovable little Marauders, the internet connection they were dealing with used a conveniently wireless 56 kb/sec piece of crap modem, and as we all know, pages take an average of 8000 years apiece to load on an old 56K. What do you expect people? This WAS only '83 (and this modem was quite advanced for back THEN, mind you).
"Oh I hate Muggle stuff!" exclaimed Sirius, who repeatedly hit the button. Just then, another box popped up accompanied by an odd metallic beeping noise akin to fingernails scraping against a blackboard in hell.
"AHH!" the boys cried in unison, startled to death.
"What in the dickens is a 'general protection fault'?" asked Peter, still slightly shaken.
"Did you just say 'dickens'?" asked James incredulously.
"So?" Peter said defensively.
"Oh nothing, I was just previously under the impression that you were a male. Sixteen years old at that. Pardon my mistake."
"No, we established he was a girl the other day, remember," Sirius reminded James. "In Care of Magical Creatures."
"Right, right," James said, nodding in recollection. Peter rolled his eyes.
Remus, on the other hand, not having heard this little offshoot of conversation, sat in concentration, trying to make the error go away. Unsuccessfully. He tapped the screen with his wand. Even magic was no match for the pure evil that was the creation of Microsoft's Bill Gates, who by the way, was about 3000 miles from the boys' present location laughing evilly in his office while Mike the intern eyed him quite suspiciously, refilling Gates' pure solid platinum mug with coffee and backing quickly out of the room. Remus finally resorted to hitting buttons randomly, as that particular technique hadn't failed them to date. Sure enough, the error quickly disappeared and the screen went back to the adorable puppy backdrop.
"Let's poke some more of the pictures," James said mischievously, taking control of the mouse. He moved the cursor over a tiny yellow man in front of a blue triangle. From our beautifully omniscient point of view, we know that this is in fact the AOL Instant Messenger icon, and we are in for quite a bit of entertainment. James furiously clicked the icon, and a window with a list of names (or as we know it, a Buddy List) popped up. James was trying to figure out what to click next, when yet another window came up. This is what it said:
H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934: omg hi
"What kind of name is that?" Remus mused. "Should we answer?"
"Why not?" said Peter, shrugging. "Say hi." Remus typed. As he clicked send, the message appeared in the box below the first line of dialogue.
Icefiredragon56: Hello.
"Are we this dragon person?" asked Sirius.
"Apparently," said Remus. Just then they received a reply from H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934.
H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934: lyke y haven't u bin on all daiye?11!1!one!1?
Icefiredragon56: I've been busy.
H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934: omg u missed the funniyest tings skewl lol lmao du u no wut brian sed in math?
"What is she SAYING?" asked an extraordinarily puzzled James. "What language is that?"
"I think I can translate," said Remus thoughtfully. "I believe she said, 'I witnessed something amusing in school today that you did not. Has anyone relayed to you what Brian said in our mathematics lesson?'"
"Tell her no," Peter said. "I want to hear this."
Icefiredragon56: I'm afraid not.
H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934: OMG LOL IT WAZ SUUUUUUUUUU FUNNIEYE he din't du hiz HW & the teecher sed OMG u have detinshun an he wuz all lyke whoa furget y00 LMAO ROTFL!11!1!1!
"…" implored Sirius.
"I think that meant, 'It was hilarious. Dear Brian neglected to turn in his homework assignment, and his teacher responded by giving him detention. However, Brian seemed quite apathetic, and candidly informed the teacher that he did not take the punishment seriously.'" said Remus.
"Bull-CRAP! That wasn't funny," James complained. "Tell her she's an idiot."
"Now James, that isn't very nice," chided Remus. He turned back to the screen. "But it's true. I'll tell her."
Icefiredragon56: My dear girl, you are an idiot.
H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934: LYKE y r u talking s0 weeird? ho00o0 spels thins rite in an IM!
Icefiredragon56: I'm proud of my spelling ability and use of grammar, thank you. This would explain why I think you are an idiot.
H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934: OMG UR TEW MEEENE IM SO NOT UR FREND NE MORE
H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934 has signed off … thank god
"Good thing that's over," said Sirius. "I think my head would've exploded if I read one more sentence in that damn language of hers. What country is that from Remus?"
"I have no idea," said Remus. Suddenly H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934 signed back on.
H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934: IM SO SORRY B MY FREND AGIN PLEEEEZE
James smiled puckishly. He looked at Remus.
"Let ME talk to her for a while." Remus nodded, and handed James the keyboard. James started typing.
Icefiredragon56: No, I'm sorry, I don't own a lima bean farm.
H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934: wut?
Icefiredragon56: Yes.
H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934: u dun mak ne sense
Icefiredragon56: Well, I actually spent last summer at my grandmother's house, and had a smashing time. Thanks for asking.
H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934: WTF?
Icefiredragon56: Quite.
H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934: wat the heck iz wrong wit u man?111!
Icefiredragon56: I enjoy long walks on the beach, and a candlelit dinner under the stars…
H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934: dude r u on drugs?
Icefiredragon56: I should be going too. Goodbye.
H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934: w/e…
With that, James closed the window and signed off.
"How was my translation ability?" asked James cockily. "Bet you didn't think I could do that Remus, did you."
"To be honest, I didn't," replied Remus. "I commend you. Professionally executed, mate." He clapped him on the shoulder. Suddenly the screen filled up with errors again, along with the horrible noise that made the guys jump.
"This is starting to freak me out," Peter whined, eyeing the machine as it started emitting smoke. The sounds grew louder.
"What are we going to do?" asked Remus, hitting buttons to absolutely no avail.
"Kick it, that always works," Sirius suggested. James kicked the tower. It wasn't helping. He kicked harder.
"Let the power of Prongs compel you!" he shouted, repeatedly kicking it. "Let the power of Prongs compel you!"
By now, the boys had all drawn their wands and starting hexing the computer. Sparks flew from the monitor and smoke filled the room. All the while, the noise grew louder.
"Oh no," whimpered Peter ducking behind a chair as the other three stood their ground.
"Sectumsempra!" yelled Sirius, pointing his wand at the computer. It only seemed to make the possessed machine angrier.
"Dear god, what will it take to stop this thing?" James shook his head and hurled more curses at the machine. Remus pushed him and Sirius aside.
"Stand back," Remus said coldly. He turned to the sparking, smoking, screaming computer and slowly lifted his wand. In one of the boldest moves he had ever made in his life, the young werewolf bellowed, "Avada Kedavra!"
Everything went still. The smoke cleared, the sparks stopped, and the cacophonous shrieking ceased. Remus stood panting, wand still raised. James and Sirius, also with their wands aimed, covered him. Peter peeked up from the armchair he was crouching behind. Remus nodded, and he, James, and Sirius approached the wrecked machine.
"Is it over?" Peter asked from several feet behind them. Sirius prodded the melted heap of plastic and metal with his wand. He was almost sure it twitched, but wrote that off as his imagination.
"Looks like it," he said, with an affirmative nod. Peter crept out from his hiding place.
"So what are we gonna do with this monstrosity?" asked James, eyeing the computer untrustingly.
"Shall we give it back to the ickle Mugglies like we told Remus we would?" Sirius asked.
"Screw that," said Remus, shaking his head. "We're throwing it in the lake!"
Haha! That was by far the most fun chapter of this series I have had the pleasure to write. I might use this format more often. I hope you enjoyed it. Oh by the way, Microsoft, don't sue me, or you know, hunt me down or, like, eat my soul or anything. I was just kidding, really… (cough) Oh, and AOL, sorry for the horrible portrayal of your product, but you know those kinds of idiots use it. Yes… And don't sue me either. Well, now that's been said, review!