Just another update for those who find this amusing. School's about to start for me so bleh, but enjoy in spite of my bleh-ness!
Peter: Hey, Remus…WTF is Arithmancy?
Sirius: Dude, WTF is WTF?
Remus: No idea Sirius. And to answer your question, Peter, yes.
James: Hey you guys…
Sirius: No, she isn't.
James: Aw, dang.
Peter: I'm still confused. What am I doing in this class? What IS this class?
Remus: Arithmancy is the study of numbers, Peter.
Peter: Oh, like numerology…
Remus: Uh, not exactly…
(This might be a good time, dear reader, to remind you of Hogwarts' curriculum. Yes, it includes everything from Transfiguration to Potions to Herbology. But these are all magical subjects, and not anything like the standard topics studied in any normal public or private school. Hogwarts' students therefore are devastatingly lacking in certain life skills, such as the study of the English language and as we're about to find out… math.)
James: (receives a handout from the teacher) Look at these worksheets… What is this crap?
Remus: Arithmancy, James. You see this question here? (points to "2+2") You put the two and the two together, you understand?
Sirius: Oh I get it! It's twenty-two! (scribbles on his own paper)
Remus: No, Sirius. Let me put it in more practical terms. Let's say Johnny and Bobby each have two apples. Bobby gives Johnny his two apples. How many apples does Johnny have now?
James: I don't know, but it sounds like this Bobby kid is getting gypped…
Peter: Yeah, why does Johnny get all the apples?
Sirius: Isn't it obvious? He's making a pie.
James: Sirius, men don't cook.
Sirius: Oh yeah…
Remus: (sighs) Once AGAIN, you've all completely missed the point. How many apples are there all together?
Peter: In the WORLD?
Remus: No! There are four apples! Four! Johnny had two, Bobby had two. Count them up!
(Peter, James, and Sirius sit for a few minutes counting on their fingers)
James: It's four! I figured it out.
Remus: I just told you the answer…
Sirius: You're so smart James.
Peter: I concur.
Remus: You guys are all idiots.
Peter: No, Remus, not James.
Remus: Oh, I'm sorry, he can count all the way to FOUR. I forgot.
James: And look, here's another problem. (points to "5+3") I've already figured it out in my head, but I'll give you guys an example to help you. All right, let's say Billy, Joe, and Zebediah each have five apples. Billy takes three of his and throws them at Zebediah. Zebediah retaliates by throwing one at Joe – he's a slow child, you see – then Joe steals all four of Johnny's apples then everybody got into a huge fight and somebody made a pie. How many apples is it?
Sirius: Uh… twelve?
Peter: Four!
James: Sorry guys… the answer is obviously seventy-nine.
Remus: No James it's… (pauses) Oh wait, okay, put that. In fact, James, since you show such an incredible proficiency in this subject, I'll shut my mouth and let you tutor us, eh?
James: Good idea Remus. Where were we… (reads "7-3") Okay, see this little slashy thing between the two means that… uh… Well, obviously the seven is stabbing the three…
Peter: Haha, that violent seven. You know, you guys… cuz seven eight nine.
James, Sirius, and Remus: …
Peter: You know. Seven ATE nine, get it?
James: Not funny. Not even close to funny.
Sirius: Every time someone tells that joke, a little angel loses its wings and falls into a pit of eternal darkness and fire.
Remus: Sirius, if there's fire it can't be… Never mind, he's right. Sorry James, what about the seven and the three?
James: Yeah, the seven is stabbing the three and intends to rob it, obviously.
Sirius: Why? What has it got?
Peter: Four apples!
James: No that's Johnny!
Sirius: But I thought Joe stole them?
Peter: But what if Joe didn't want the evidence on him? What if he was being chased by the heat?
James: Good point, he pawned them off and now the three has them. So the seven, knowing this transaction had taken place, attacks the three and steals the apples for himself. So, the answer is FOUR APPLES!
Remus: You know, in an odd twisted way you guys somehow managed to figure that out. I am astounded.
Sirius: But wait, what if Johnny PAID the seven to steal back his apples?
James: Good question. For the answer, we turn to the next, entirely unrelated problem. (points to "10-7")
Sirius: How will that tell us about Johnny?
James: Well, as you see here, this time the TEN is stabbing the SEVEN.
Peter: So the ten wants the apples then? Why?
Remus: (now vaguely interested) Yes, why is that?
James: Well, if you look closely, it's not a ten at all. It's actually… Johnny!
Sirius: Get out! There is no way!
James: But there is a way Sirius. Think carefully now… What is the tenth letter in the alphabet?
Peter: W?
Remus: It's not W Peter.
Sirius: (after a moment) By god, it's J!
Remus: By god, he's right!
James: Yes, it's J! What could J possibly stand for?
Peter: JOHNNY!
Sirius: Oh my god, you know what else? There are ten letters in "Johnny"!
Remus: There are SIX letters in Johnny.
Sirius: Oh…
James: BUT – if you add the four apples to the six letters in "Johnny" what do you get?
Peter: TEN! You get ten! It all makes sense now! This is like the DaVinci Code!
Remus: You still haven't solved the problem. What is ten minus seven?
Sirius: What's minus?
Remus: (sighs out loud) What happens when the ten… I mean JOHNNY stabs the seven?
James: Well, Johnny gets his four apples back, of course. But then he gets hungry from stabbing the seven – mutilated corpses make Johnny hungry, he's a sick child, you see – and so he eats one of the apples…
Peter: And then he only has three apples left! The answer is three!
Remus: James, I'm beginning to think your twisted logic might be worth something…
Sirius: We told you.
James: That's right, bow to my math skillz, babay!
Remus: Here's another problem – how many teeth will you have left when I punch them out of your inflated head, James?
James: (counts) Eleven?
Peter: No, ten! Like Johnny! Your teeth will become Johnny and stab Remus and steal his apples!
Sirius: Because seven ate nine, right?
Peter: EXACTLY!
Remus: … You're all insane. I'm never bringing you to Arithmancy again.
Sirius: Arithmancy? I thought this was Spanish class.
James: ¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!
Peter: Dude, does that even exist yet?
Remus: Does the DaVinci Code?
Peter: Good point.
That was fun! XD Review, review, review!