Resident Parody 4
By BahamutZERO
Disclaimer: Capcom owns Resident Evil, not me.
Chapter 1-1
WOOOOSSSHHHH!
Leon: 1998... (sigh)... I forgot about it. Did something important happen then-?
WOOOOOOOSSSSHHH!
(Leon is sitting in a car with two Spanish cops)
Leon: I was assigned to the president's security detail. That very day, Ashley Graham, the president's daughter was kidnapped. Why they sent only me is really confusing. I mean, why just one man?
Cop 1: Hey, tell us where you're from, so we can stalk and rape you. I mean, so we know where you live.
Cop 2: Yeah, you're a long way from home, cowboy.
Leon: Guess that's a local's way of breaking the ice. Anyway, my job is to-
Cop 1: Rescue president's daughter, we know.
Leon?
Cop 1: You said all that out loud.
Leon: I did? That was supposed to be an inner monologue.
Cop 2: Psychic powers, cowboy.
(they stop so one of the cops can take a piss)
Cop 1: (taking a piss) Ahhh... ohhhh... touch me down there cowboy... Whoa, it got cold all of a sudden. (returns the car) Sorry it took so long, I was masturba- I mean, I had a lot to drink before we left.
(the car comes to a stop)
Cop 1: This is the village. Maybe when you come back, we can go sing at a boy scout bonfire-
Cop 2: Save it. Anyway, we'll watch the car. Don't want to get any parking tickets.
Leon: Right. Parking tickets.
Cop 1: Shit, we got one just now! (a parking ticket materializes on the windshield) I knew we shouldn't have parked here!
(radio scene)
Leon: Who's there?
Hunnigan: Hi Leon. I'm Ingrid Hunnigan. I'll be your support for this mission.
Leon: Damn, girl, you're hot. I'd like to do you in the ass.
Hunnigan: ...
Leon: ...
BEOOOP
(Leon enters the first cabin)
Leon: Uh, excuse me, sir? (no response) I was wondering if you might recognize the girl in this photograph? Damn, she's hot. I'd like to do her in the ass.
Man: What the fuck do you want? Get out of here, you bastard!
Leon: Sorry to have bothered you, fuck nut.
(the man picks up a balloon and swings it at Leon; he dodges out of the way)
Leon: Alright, freeze! I said freeze! Drop the balloon!
(Leon shoots the man and he falls dead. He hears several others outside)
Leon: Shit!
(radio scene)
Hunnigan: What happened, Leon?
Leon: I was attacked by a hostile local. I had no choice but naturalize- nurtualize...
Hunnigan: Neutralize?
Leon: Yeah, that's it.
Hunnigan: Head for the village. Take whatever measures necessary to save the subject.
Leon: Heh... "whatever measures necessary." I'm going to expand that to include ass pounding.
Hunnigan: Leon, I'm still here.
Leon: Huh?
Hunnigan: I can hear you, Leon.
Leon: ...
Hunnigan: ...
BEOOOP
(radio scene)
Hunnigan: How ya holding up, Leon?
Leon: Wrong question, Hunnigan. You should've asked "Can I get it up?" HAHAHA!
Hunnigan: Leon, that's not very funny.
Leon: Sorry.
Hunnigan: I'm sending you a Playing Manual.
Leon: Thanks, I'll have a look at it... wait, how can you send me a Playing Manual over the radio?
Hunnigan: ...
Leon: ...
BEOOOP
(Leon makes it to the village and has a shoot out with the locals. The bell starts to ring)
Local: Tenemos que irons. (We have to go)
Another Local: Es una hora de Bingo. (It's time for Bingo)
Leon: Where's everyone going...? Bingo?
Local: Be, siete! Be, siete! Ene, ventidos! Ene, ventidos!
Leon: ...
(Leon makes it to the cabin where he hears a pounding noise. He opens the cabinet and a man falls out)
Leon: Hold on, I'll untie you. (takes the tape off)
Luis: A little rough don't you think? (Leon picks him up and slams him on the floor, face down) OW!
Leon: (untying his ropes) I'm not one of them, don't worry. (unties the ropes and punches Luis in the face)
Luis: What's your problem, amigo?
Leon: Sorry.
Luis: Anyway, I have one very important question? You got a smoke?
Leon: ...
Luis: What's wrong?
Leon: Ummmm... are you aware of Capcom's anti-smoking message?
Luis: Huh?
Leon: Everyone in this game who smokes or even asks for a smoke, dies.
Luis: ...
Leon: ...
(someone approaches from outside)
Luis: Oh no, it's the big cheese of the village.
(a huge cheese wedge enters the room)
Leon: No problem. (Leon roundhouse kicks the cheese, but he bounces off and slams into a wall, unconscious)
Next up: Chapter 1-2