Resident Parody 4

By BahamutZERO

Chapter 2-1

(Leon wakes up from his dream. Cue radio)

Hunnigan: Leon, are you okay? It's been at least 6 hours since our last transmission.

Leon: I'm okay. I must have lost consciousness. I'm going to continue my mission.

Hunnigan: Okay...

Leon: ...

Hunnigan: Uh...

Leon: What?

Hunnigan: Hmm... how did you lose consciousness?

Leon: ...what?

Hunnigan: I said how did you lose consciousness?

Leon: Hunnigan... don't get worked up over the details.

Hunnigan: ...

Leon: ...

BEOOOP

(Leon makes his way through the waterfall cave and finds the round insignia. Radio)

Leon: Hunnigan, I found something. I'm going to take this back to the church and use it to open the door because a key is just too damn boring.

Hunnigan: What are you talking about, Leon?

Leon: Oh, come on! Every time I have to open a door, it's with some weird misshapen object that makes absolutely no sense. I mean, I actually had to find keys in RE2, and now I'm looking for insignias and hexagonal pieces of metal. It's total BULLSHIT!

Hunnigan: Yeah... uh... just hurry to the church and rescue Ashley... I mean, the subject.

Leon: Of course. I can't wait to do her in the ass.

Hunnigan: ...

Leon: ...

BEOOOP

(Leon is walking through a small camp when two huge doors open)

Leon: Eh?

(Several Ganados drag a huge slab of steak through the doors)

Leon: If that weren't an enemy, I would eat it! Or do it in the ass...

(the steak attacks wildly)

Leon: Damn! I can't get far enough away for a shot!

(the wolf appears)

Leon: Hey, it's that dog!

(the wolf runs to the steak, cocks its leg, and lets loose with a stream of acid urine. The steak disintegrates)

Leon: Damn! Remind me to give that dog a biscuit, or I'll get pissed on. Or something...

(Leon finds the church and enters. He opens the upper door and finds Ashley)

Leon: There you are!

Ashley: Don't come any closer! (throws piece of wood)

L + R DODGE

Leon: Hey, I'm trying to rescue you! Damn, you're hotter than in the photo!

Ashley: What?

Leon: Nothing, nothing. I'm here under the president's order to rescue you.

Ashley: My father?

Leon: No shit, Sherlock... Mm... I'd love to do you in the ass. You're 18, right?

Ashley: You sicko! Just get me out of here!

Leon: ...fine.

(they go downstairs)

Saddler: I'll take the girl.

Leon: Who are you?

Saddler: My name Osmund Saddler. Leader of this fine religious community.

Leon: What do you want?

Saddler: The girl, that's all.

Leon: No, she's mine! Her ass is MINE!

Saddler: I was not talking about her buttocks. I was just trying to tell you that we gave her a small gift.

Ashley: Leon, I think they shot something in my neck.

Leon: What did you do to her?

Saddler: We just gave her a small gift. Oh, there's going to be one hell of a party when she returns to her loving father. But first, I thought I might bargain with the president.

Leon: Faith and money will lead you nowhere, Saddler!

Ashley: God, that's cheesy...

Leon: God, you're hot...

Ashley: SHUT IT.

Saddler: I thought I might tell you that we also gave you a bit of our power. When the eggs hatch, you'll be completely under my control... Ooohhh, that makes me so horny...

Leon: Sounds like... uh... sound like a... hmm... Sounds like an alien invasion to me!

Saddler: Yeah, I know.

(bowgun bastards appear and shoot at Leon and Ashley. They dive out a window)

Ashley: Leon, what are we going to do?

Leon: You're hot. Don't worry, we got into this mess and we'll get out of it.

Next up: Chapter 2-2