Resident Parody 4
By BahamutZERO
Chapter 2-2
(Leon and Ashley succeed in escaping from the village. Cue radio as they cross the bridge)
Hunnigan: Hey, Leon?
Leon: Yeah?
Hunnigan: I have some bad news.
Leon: What?
Hunnigan: That chopper we sent to pick you up... it got shot down.
Leon: How in the high holy fuck can these villagers armed with pitchforks and axes shoot down an armored helicopter?
Hunnigan: I have no idea, but we're prepping another chopper. For now, I want you to head to the extraction point.
Leon: Heh... "extraction."
Hunnigan???
Leon: ...
BEOOOP
Ashley: Leon, look!
(shit loads of villagers appear)
Leon: I hate to say it, but you're going to be sandwiched... I mean, we're sandwiched! Into that house!
(they run inside)
Luis: Leon! (throws a wooden plank and smacks Leon in the face) ...oops.
Leon: Damn, that hurt like hell.
Luis: Small world, eh? (looks at Ashley) Well, it looks like the president has equipped his daughter with ballistics, too.
Ashley: How rude! And I don't there's any relevance between my figure and my standing! Who're you?
Luis: Well, excuse me, your highness. But perhaps the lady might want to introduce herself first before asking someone his name?
Ashley: The name's Ashley Graham, the president's daughter.
Luis: Is she, uh...? Well, you know.
Leon: Yeah she is. That would make doing her in the ass all the more worthwhile.
Luis: What are you talking about?
Leon: You asked me if she was a virgin.
Ashley: ...
Luis: No, I asked you if she was one of them.
Leon: Oh, that... don't worry, she's cool.
Luis: I guess. But seriously, she's a virgin, too? I might have to do her in the ass as well!
Leon: Yeah, I was talking about a sandwich earlier, and...
Ashley: I'm still here, guys.
Leon & Luis: What?
Ashley: I can hear you.
Leon: ...
Luis: ...
Leon: ...take cover upstairs.
Luis: Alright, Leon, it's game time.
(the villagers enter and a fight breaks out)
Luis: Leon, use this! (tosses a hand grenades)
Leon: Luis... why didn't you just throw it at them instead?
Luis: What, throw a grenade in here? That's fuckin' loco, man!
(more fighting)
Luis: Leon, use this! (throws a box of handgun bullets)
Leon: Thanks! ... Goddammit, Luis, it's empty!
Luis: I know, you can still use it!
Leon: Luis... just... no.
(they go upstairs)
Luis: Leon, use this! (tosses Leon's knife)
Leon: Luis... is this my knife?
Luis: ...no.
Leon: Yes it is. What were you doing with my knife?
Luis: ...I don't know.
(the villagers give up and leave)
Leon: Thanks for the help.
Luis: No problem. You guys go on ahead, I've got some stuff to do.
Leon: I'll call you when I get that sandwich thing organized.
Next: Chapter 2-3