Resident Parody 4
By BahamutZERO
Chapter 3-2
(cue radio)
Leon: Hey, Hunnigan, what happened? The transmission got cut off.
Salazar: Hee hee hee!
Leon: Salazar! How'd you-?
Salazar: We've jacked off the line. We didn't want you telling everyone any unnecessary information.
Leon: Where's Ashley?
Salazar: Ah, so she fell into one of our traps. We'll make sure to find her.
Leon: NO! Her ass is MINE!
Salazar: Too bad.
Leon: DAMMIT!
Salazar: Oh, by the way, I let some of our disgusting bugs out in the sewers for some exercise.
Leon: Good, that should keep me company. Because boredom kills me.
Salazar: What?
Leon: It was a joke. I'm saying your bugs are no match for me.
Salazar: Oh...
Leon: ...
Salazar: ...
BEOOP
(Leon blasts the bugs and gets out of the sewers. He meets Salazar in another random room)
Salazar: Well, I see that you are still alive.
Leon: Yeah, so get off my back, old man.
Salazar: Old man? This may come as a surprise, but I'm only 20 years old.
Leon: I figured as much. Old men shouldn't be allowed to bang fresh 20 year old ass like Ashley's.
Salazar: Agreed. But as I said, I'm only 20.
Leon: So you're like all the rest? A puppet of the parasites?
Salazar: Oh, please. I'm nothing like those dimunitive Ganados. I am the master and I have absolute control.
Leon: It doesn't matter either way. Rain or shine, you're going down.
Salazar: Cheesy...
Leon: I know.
(Leon ruins everyone's shit and gets to the gardens. Cue radio)
Salazar: So, how do you like my garden? Sagoscee... sacagooe...
Leon: Sagacious?
Salazar: Yes, that's the word. Sagacious as I am, even I get lost sometimes.
Leon: Yeah, well, your gardener must have been high because all the hedges are gone.
Salazar: What?
Leon: Yeah, I can see everything.
Salazar: Damn! Well, I'm off to get rid of a couple of rats.
Leon: Two rats? There's another intruder besides me? Is that what dumb fuck Salazar thinks?
Salazar: I'm still here.
Leon: What?
Salazar: I can hear you, Leon.
Leon: ...
Salazar: ...
BEOOP
(Leon enters the bedroom and Ada sneaks up behind him)
Ada: Put your hands where I can see them.
Leon: Sorry, but following a lady's lead just isn't my style.
Ada: Put them up, now.
(Leon spins around and grabs Ada's arm. Ada flips forward, smashing Leon's testicles with a high-heeled shoe)
Leon: ARGH!
Ada: Bit of advice: try wearing a cup next time. Works better for close encounters.
Leon: Ugh... that's MY line...
Ada: (gasps) Leon?
Leon: Ada... damn, you fine! I'd like to do you in the ass.
Ada: ...?
Leon: So... it is true.
Ada: True? About what?
Leon: You. Working for Wesker.
Ada: I see you've been doing your homework.
Leon: Yeah, and the teacher gave me a gold star.
Ada: ...? Okay...
Leon: ...
Ada: ...
Leon: Wanna make out? There's a bed over there.
Ada: (checks watch) Well... I suppose we can have a quickie.
(they make out immediately. Leon removes his pants and pokes Ada in the eye with his wang)
Ada: What the-? LEON!
Leon: Go with it, just go with it.
Ada: What do you mean "just go with it?" I'm outta here! (leaves)
Leon: Dammit! Again!
Merchant: (eyeing Leon's package) Hey, stranger! What you need THAT for? Goin' huntin' an elephant?
Leon: Perv. (pulls up pants and resumes mission)
Next up: Chapter 3-3.