Slight spoilers for the season 3 episode 'Chosen Realm'

Chapter 13: Coping Mechanism

A slight breeze played over his skin, causing his conscious mind to rise further into being. As Malcolm's alertness returned, all he was aware of was a completely new sensation. He couldn't ever recall feeling like this. He was content. And yet, as he contemplated opening his eyes, something played at the back of his mind, as if he should remember something, but couldn't.

Finally pulling himself out of his introvert state, Malcolm opened his eyes. He was lying in a soft bed that was situated in the middle of a creamy white room which opened out onto a balcony. He lay there for a while, taking in the silence and listening to the spring breeze swirl around the room languidly.

After a while, he sat up. Again, he felt the odd sensation against his skin. It was as if his brain was telling him that he shouldn't be able to feel the softness of the sheets; that he should be feeling something else. He was far weaker than he had expected, his wrists buckling slightly as he used them to prop himself up. Frowning, Malcolm pulled back the long white sleeve that swallowed half his hand. There was no mark on the skin of his wrist. That was odd. So why did he think he would see something? Lightly, he touched the inside of his wrist, and then pulled back, as if he had been burned. For a split second, he had been sure he had seen something, something bad, something he didn't want to think of ever again.

He sat there for a long while, until he heard the light creak of a door being opened. He lifted his head to see a woman, also dressed in white, enter carrying a tray bearing a pitcher of water and a glass. She smiled, "Good morning Malcolm, I expected you to wake up today. My name is Nai. I have been your doctor these past weeks."

Malcolm watched silently as she placed the tray on a table, and poured the water. "Sorry, but-" He stopped, surprised at how weak and croaky his voice was. She gave him the water, which he sipped before continuing, "Where am I?"

Nai smiled sadly, and sat on the end of his bed, "You are in one of the Sanctum's many monasteries. You were brought to us nigh on two weeks ago now. What do you remember, Malcolm?"

He shook his head, "Nothing."

"What is your last clear memory? Think now, I will not be angry with you whatever you say."

Malcolm frowned. What did he remember? "I don't know," he said slowly, "I know I have memories, but I can't think of one, not one in particular. Shouldn't that scare me?"

Nai smiled gently, "No Malcolm. You have been through a terrible ordeal, and although you physical scars have all been healed, your mind has yet to. It is simply trying to understand slowly."

Once again, Malcolm examined his wrist. He jerked back as his vision was suddenly swallowed by a horrible blackness, and a sensation of falling. Nai reached over and took his hand. "Do not force things. Although we are far more medically advanced due to our predecessors on this planet, we do not work miracles. You must sleep."

Somewhere in Malcolm's being, he felt that he should protest, that he should argue with the doctor, but he was too tired and his eyes slid shut.

Trip leaned against a tree, laughing as he watched Sara pull T'Pol into the lake with Ryan's help. It was a warm spring day, and the geothermal lakes surrounding the monastery were enticing to all. It had been autumn when they had been on this planet last, and now it seemed perfect, suiting its name. However much he tried, though, Trip could not truly enjoy himself. It had been two weeks since they had set foot on the planet. He could still remember that as they landed, Alex was reviving Malcolm's heart for a third time. He shivered, despite the warmth. After the initial hours during which Malcolm's blood had been completely filtered and purified, when he had finally been stabilised, it had been quickly decided that no one would leave until their friend woke up.

A light brush on his arm brought Trip out of his thoughts. Katrina was standing next to him, "Come with me."

Without question, Trip followed her away from the crystal water of the lakes and up the dazzling white marble steps that led to the monastery itself. He followed her into the cooler temperature of the building, where Nai and Laura were waiting. Alarm bells started ringing in his head, "What's going on? What's wrong?"

Nai was quick to placate the man, "Nothing is wrong, Trip. Malcolm woke up this morning."

It took a few moments for the news to sink in, and then Trip let out a huge sigh of relief, slumping against the wall. After a couple of minutes, he gathered his thoughts together enough to ask questions, "How is he?"

"Physically, he has made a full recovery. However, I am slightly concerned at Malcolm's seeming inability to grasp what has happened to him."

Katrina frowned, "What do you mean?"

"He was not able to recall anything particular from his past. He knew general things, such as his name, but could not pinpoint anything. He was also confused - I think his lack of injuries disturbed him. Although he could not remember getting any, his subconscious mind could." She gave them a comforting smile, "However, this is only Malcolm's first day. From what you have told me of him, he is strong. I am confident of him making a full recovery."

Trip prompted her, "You said that him being a, what do you call it, 'Fall Through', might complicate matters?"

Laura nodded, "Malcolm has experienced two completely different lives. On many occasions, we receive an escaped or freed Fall Through at the Sanctum. Often, they have trouble adjusting."

"Can we see him?" Katrina asked.

Nai shook her head, "He is sleeping once more. Perhaps in a few days."

Over the next week, Malcolm gradually began to fall back into his old personality. Most noticeably, his sarcasm was one of the first things to return, especially when dealing with Nai's insistence of rest. His memories had all returned, and, although he was always careful to steer the conversations away from that day, he seemed to be coping with everything very well. He received frequent visitors, and as he became more mobile, an exasperated Nai was soon forced to release him just to get peace.

It had been two weeks since Malcolm's awakening when Archer finally broached the subject of going home. Malcolm had barely reacted, although Trip had noticed a spark of fear in his eyes. It was all set up. Everything was packed, Jamie had made the final touches to the beacon, and the Eclipse's crew was once again split into two; the originals and the Enterprise's. As they stood on the monastery's steps, watching the sun rise and listening to the bells toll, Trip was the one to ask the inevitable question, "So, what will you do?"

Malcolm closed his eyes and sighed. When he opened them, they were full of an intense sorrow, "I can't. I'm so sorry, but I can't go back with you. I'm going to stay on the Eclipse."

No one reacted, all trying to accept his decision - all except Archer. Under original circumstances, he might have tried to understand, but after what Daniels had told him, he had to try, "Malcolm, I can't just leave you here. You belong with us."

Malcolm's eyes darkened with storm clouds, "No, I don't. I should have seen it, as soon as those Raiders sent the message, but I didn't. I didn't stop you, and look where it got me; got us. I can't live with your decisions."

Trip frowned, "Mal, what are you talking about? You couldn't have known."

Malcolm let out a sharp, humourless laugh, "Remember though religious zealots from the Expanse, the ones who tricked us, almost blew up the Enterprise and took it to war? I let that same thing happen again! I don't belong in your galaxy anymore; the old me would have noticed something."

"You don't know that Malcolm…"

"Yes I do."

Archer was worried now. Daniels had said Trip would have to persuade him, but Malcolm wasn't wavering. Pulling out one last ditch effort, he spoke, "Lieutenant Reed, you are still a member of Starfleet and a citizen of Earth. As such, I am ordering you to return with us."

At that point, Katrina almost leapt at Archer to tear his eyes out, and probably would have if Malcolm hadn't stopped her. He looked down coldly on his old captain, "Lieutenant Reed is dead, remember? You made sure of that when you signed the certificate three months in. Goodbye." With that, he turned, and silently walked back up the steps.

Jon flinched as if he had been physically struck. He cleared his throat in defeat, and after a moment, said, "We have to go now. Thank you all - for everything."

Three of the four made to leave, but Trip didn't move, "Wait, Cap'n? I want to talk to him. Please?"

Archer nodded his consent, "We'll meet you by the Linlr."

Malcolm sat on the window ledge of his room, letting the breeze touch his face, washing his emotions away. He smiled, "Hello Trip."

Trip jumped; Malcolm had given no indication that he knew he was there. "You lied back there."

Malcolm didn't turn around; instead he continued to look out over the lakes towards the sunrise. "No I didn't. What I said back there was the truth."

"But not all of it."

Malcolm smiled weakly, "I've figured it out."

Trip frowned, "What are you talking about?"

"This galaxy, and yours, I've figured it out." He turned to face Trip, and his friend was shocked to see the raw emotion in his eyes, "If I go back with you, I'll lose it. I'll lose my grip on reality. If I stay here, it doesn't matter as much."

"Mal, I'm really not following you."

"This galaxy. Everyone here deals with so much crap everyday that things like what I've gone though don't carry as much weight; they get pushed to the side. It's a coping mechanism that allows us to survive. If I went back with you, there is no way I'd be able to deal with life in Starfleet, or on Earth."

Trip bowed his head. He couldn't argue with his friend. When he raised his head, he was smiling, "I'll be seeing you around then, yeah?"

Malcolm smiled in return, "Thanks Trip."

To Be Continued…

Author Notes: Nope, that is definitely not the end! You won't get rid of me that easily. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter.