Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of its characters

It's a Small Middle Earth After All…

Frodo is faced by Sauron himself at Mount Doom…

Sauron Choose the Dark Side, Frodo. It is your destiny.

Frodo I'll never give in. You killed my father!

Sauron No Frodo. I am your father!

Frodo (looks terrified) so that means…

Sauron yes, that means…

Frodo NOOOO! GOLLUM CAN'T BE MY HALF-SISTER! NOOOOO-

Sauron Evil laugh! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Frodo -OOOOOOOOOOOO-

Sauron HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Frodo -OOOOOOOOOOO-

Sam MR. FRODO! YOU'RE TURNING BLUE!

Frodo (stops screaming) It can't be truuuuuuuue!

Sauron Did you think you could overlook the family resemblance? Evil laugh!

Frodo (bawls like a baby)

Sam Well, Mr. Frodo, it could be worse. You could be related to Lurtz…

Frodo (sigh) You're right, Sam.

Sauron Did I mention that Lurtz is your cousin?

Frodo (cries)

Sam Well, you could be related to Wormtongue…

Frodo (sigh) phew!
Sauron Wormtongue's your aunt, Frodo.

Sam Cave troll?

Sauron Niece

Sam Balrog?

Sauron Great uncle.

Sam Witch King of Angmar?

Sauron Seventh cousin twice removed.

Sam Shelob?

Sauron Stepmother and Frodo's future wife.

Sam EEEEW! I thought hobbits were bad about incest! (to Frodo) Sorry, Mr. Frodo, I didn't mean to stab your fiancée!

Frodo (cries and gags)

Sam (turns back to Sauron) Okay, what about Saruman, Smarty Pants?

Sauron Grandmother, mother, sister, and Frodo's second wife!

Sam EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!

Frodo (cries harder)

Sauron Evil laugh!

Gollum (comes in) Hi daddy! (sees Frodo) Whatsss wrong with our brothersesssss?

Sam Oh, don't tell me you're his father and brother! Gross!

Sauron (glares) No, I'm just his father

Sam Phew!

Gollum (sees ring) Precioussssssssss! (bites off Frodo's finger)

Frodo Ow.

Sam Eeeew, blood! (barfs)

Gollum (dances around, happy-like)

Sauron Ah, sibling rivalry. (to Gollum) Honey, give Daddy his ring back!

Gollum No! Never! AAAAHHHH! (falls off side of cliff the ring lands near the edge, but Sauron doesn't see that, and thinks it went over)

Sauron NOOO! MY SOURCE OF POWER! Hey, wait a minute….I'm still alive! (does happy eyeball dance) Woohoo! I am invincible!

Random orc (comes in and sees ring) Ooo, shiny! (picks it up, then trips over Frodo laying in the fetal position and goes over the edge, ring still in his hand)

Sauron I will never die! (blows up) Dangit!

Sam Frodo, the ring is destroyed! Frodo?

Frodo Can't….marry…Saruman….

Epilogue: After the above incident, Frodo went completely mental and was carted off to the Grey Havens thinking his pony was his mother-in-law. Okay, so that isn't the happy ending we'd all expect, but the ring was destroyed, Middle Earth was saved, what more do you want? However, if you're a Frodo fangirl, you can visit him at the Grey Havens, the world-famous psych-ward. Just don't wear anything with rings or eyeballs on it, and explain to him first off that you are not related to him in any way, shape, or form. No guarantees that he'll listen though!