Writer: Azure K Mello
Title: A Bond Never Dies
Part: 12/?
Words: 679
Warnings: Angst. This is me after all.
Note: go here to hear a male tawny owl's call:
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The Owlery was cold. James' owl wasn't there. He had sent it the day before with a letter to his mother. The letter had been mainly forced pleasantries. What exactly should he have written to the parents that barely recognized he existed? Largely it was about the whether and Quidditch. Now he wished he hadn't sent Quill, the owl, back home. He wanted his bird here. The owl always made him feel calmer. He sat on a ledge, his legs dangling out of the castle, and fed a big tawny owl some bread. The low mournful call the bird hooted told James it was a male. So haunted and miserable the sound made James want to cry. Or maybe because he wanted to cry the hoot sounded sad. He stroked the majestic animal and burst into tears. Finally losing the willpower he had be holding onto all morning. Alone he held himself and wept, he leaned against the window frame for support.
"I fucked up," he told the bird who cocked his head to one side and watched the boy with interest. "I really fucked up. I love him so much and I just ruined our friendship because I can't keep a hold on my stupid teenage hormones. Anyone else would have just kept on loving him silently, at least then he could look at me, I could touch him, I could have him at my side."
He couldn't keep his personal shields up, the ones he had forged to keep the world safe from his power. They were literal, tangible shields and they fell in a wave, crumbling like a broken window. The power instantly found the cracks and surged through his body. A frightened owl, his only companion took a few step away from the boy to avoid the red mist surrounding the boy. James could sense the movement and looked up to the bird. "I'm sorry," he said but the bird started back at the sight of the green tears falling from the boy's face. Ashamed of his lack of control he looked back out at the landscape. The mist made cracking and popping noises. It burned at his skin but he didn't care. "Do you honestly think you can make me hurt? I just wish I could feel all the wounds you're inflicting but I'm in too much pain already."
The owl cooed softly, commiserating with him.
"I can't even control my own freakishness." He laughed bitterly. "Sirius never cared, he didn't care even when I accidentally hurt him. . . I wish Quill was here, he knows about all this stuff: I wouldn't have to explain. But I have to tell you to have you understand. My parents told me it was a gift, that I was *special* but they flinched every time I walked into a room. They said they wanted me to harness my talent. Truth was that they were scared of their own son, the prodigy come failure. And I guess I succeeded kinda. . . I'm the only sixteen year old on the planet that can meditate correctly: not ohm-ing in a corner. I can turn my mind off, and slow down my whole body for days on end. And in this trance state I can understand my power and learn to wield it. But not when it comes to that boy. His very presence breaks me into a thousand pieces and he's the only one who can build me up again. At the touch of his hand I'm fine. But he'll never touch me again, even if he does forgive me. Every touch will be questioned and second guessed, he won't climb into my bed when I have a nightmare after all, I might try to take advantage. Fuck me in the eye with a wand! What was I thinking?" He lolled his head around his shoulders and then let it drop to his chest, he needed to get out of this reality and into his own mind.
"I think," said a soft voice, "you wanted to be loved."
Title: A Bond Never Dies
Part: 12/?
Words: 679
Warnings: Angst. This is me after all.
Note: go here to hear a male tawny owl's call:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Owlery was cold. James' owl wasn't there. He had sent it the day before with a letter to his mother. The letter had been mainly forced pleasantries. What exactly should he have written to the parents that barely recognized he existed? Largely it was about the whether and Quidditch. Now he wished he hadn't sent Quill, the owl, back home. He wanted his bird here. The owl always made him feel calmer. He sat on a ledge, his legs dangling out of the castle, and fed a big tawny owl some bread. The low mournful call the bird hooted told James it was a male. So haunted and miserable the sound made James want to cry. Or maybe because he wanted to cry the hoot sounded sad. He stroked the majestic animal and burst into tears. Finally losing the willpower he had be holding onto all morning. Alone he held himself and wept, he leaned against the window frame for support.
"I fucked up," he told the bird who cocked his head to one side and watched the boy with interest. "I really fucked up. I love him so much and I just ruined our friendship because I can't keep a hold on my stupid teenage hormones. Anyone else would have just kept on loving him silently, at least then he could look at me, I could touch him, I could have him at my side."
He couldn't keep his personal shields up, the ones he had forged to keep the world safe from his power. They were literal, tangible shields and they fell in a wave, crumbling like a broken window. The power instantly found the cracks and surged through his body. A frightened owl, his only companion took a few step away from the boy to avoid the red mist surrounding the boy. James could sense the movement and looked up to the bird. "I'm sorry," he said but the bird started back at the sight of the green tears falling from the boy's face. Ashamed of his lack of control he looked back out at the landscape. The mist made cracking and popping noises. It burned at his skin but he didn't care. "Do you honestly think you can make me hurt? I just wish I could feel all the wounds you're inflicting but I'm in too much pain already."
The owl cooed softly, commiserating with him.
"I can't even control my own freakishness." He laughed bitterly. "Sirius never cared, he didn't care even when I accidentally hurt him. . . I wish Quill was here, he knows about all this stuff: I wouldn't have to explain. But I have to tell you to have you understand. My parents told me it was a gift, that I was *special* but they flinched every time I walked into a room. They said they wanted me to harness my talent. Truth was that they were scared of their own son, the prodigy come failure. And I guess I succeeded kinda. . . I'm the only sixteen year old on the planet that can meditate correctly: not ohm-ing in a corner. I can turn my mind off, and slow down my whole body for days on end. And in this trance state I can understand my power and learn to wield it. But not when it comes to that boy. His very presence breaks me into a thousand pieces and he's the only one who can build me up again. At the touch of his hand I'm fine. But he'll never touch me again, even if he does forgive me. Every touch will be questioned and second guessed, he won't climb into my bed when I have a nightmare after all, I might try to take advantage. Fuck me in the eye with a wand! What was I thinking?" He lolled his head around his shoulders and then let it drop to his chest, he needed to get out of this reality and into his own mind.
"I think," said a soft voice, "you wanted to be loved."